Help needed: I want to avoid the Friendzone

[SengaKitty]

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and lock the shyness away in a box. Tonight you're confident. Tonight you're going to have fun with a girl you think is cool, who you already know likes you enough to go out with you. No stress, just fun.

[taurinejunkie]

Well. I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but I can probably get a few good breaths of seven-leaf stress relief on the way to the date and she wouldn't mind the red eyes because she uses the same stuff.

[AdminAssistant]

I would say it's not a good idea, but then I'm not really a strong advocate of drug use. I tend to think that on a date you should be, y'know, sober.

[SengaKitty]

I agree. I know that the SLSR is fun and all, but this is a date. You want to show real confidence, not confidence brought on by a drug or alcohol.

[taurinejunkie]

Yeah, that's what's bugging me. Sober and stressed out or relaxed but maybe a bit too giggly?

Also, I'm not stupid enough to get completely baked, I hope this was obvious.

Edit: To heck with Mary Jane, as I'm already seeing Jenn tonight. They get along fine, but after all it would really be smarter to only have MJ show up at the end of the night, if at all.

[Jester]

I would say it's not a good idea, but then I'm not really a strong advocate of drug use. I tend to think that on a date you should be, y'know, sober.

I tend to agree.....but.

In this case I might suggest that he does in fact relax with a little smokeage, if only because he is wound tighter than Metallica's snare drum about this girl, and that leafy stuff might help him chill.

But of course this opinion is moot, as I seem to be way late, and chances are, he is already on or heading to said date.

I hope he can relax, stop putting her on a pedestal, and just chill the hell out. I really do.

[taurinejunkie]

Bad news.

Got a text from her at work (so just a few hours before the date) that she had to go out of town immediately (reason unspecified and I didn't ask, as it might be a sensitive matter like a relative dying), and won't be back until Monday. I texted her back to reschedule for next Wednesday (when we are both off work), no news on that yet.

I know it might be hard for anyone outside the situation to give any opinion, but I'd still like one about which is more likely: that there really is an urgent reason why she couldn't show up, or that she's subtly trying to tell me to forget about it?

[goldaries13]

<snip> that there really is an urgent reason why she couldn't show up, or that she's subtly trying to tell me to forget about it?

Dude, you are reading way too much into this! Relax. If she wanted to tell you forget it, in all likelihood she'd say it.

My husband used to be as nervous as you when we first started dating, and I was and am a pretty straightforward person. He knew this, and yet endlessly analyzed everything I said. How did he stop?

He started looking at himself in the mirror every day and saying the following:

"I am confident in myself and my ability to be around women. I can hold my own in a conversation with a woman and not be a simpering, giggly twit. I am charming, and goddammit, I am a sexual magnet."

Go ahead. Giggle. I did when he first told me this. But you know something? Around the time he says he started doing this, I noticed a change. He became very confident, and he started to act less nervous.

Maybe you should try something like this. It may work, it may not, but it couldn't hurt.

[taurinejunkie]

I'll do my best to get the confidence to a level that hasn't been reached in probably about a decade. Hopefully wednesday will be the night on which I, the peon turned Paladin, will once and for all kill the Hydra of Shyness and rescue the Princess, and have time for a nice dinner in the middle of that because I'm so awesome I can battle the Hydra and eat at the same time.

Yes, I love medieval fantasy.

For those who care about the metaphor, I call my shyness an Hydra because every time in the past I tried to overcome it, something happened that made it grow, like a Hydra would grow multiple heads when one is severed.

[Jester]

I know it might be hard for anyone outside the situation to give any opinion, but I'd still like one about which is more likely: that there really is an urgent reason why she couldn't show up, or that she's subtly trying to tell me to forget about it?

No one outside the situation, including you, can know which it was. She might be blowing you off, or she might have had an emergency.

Stop trying to fucking analyze it, dude. Just....fucking....CHILL. You sent her a text regarding rescheduling. Let her go out of town (or avoid you), and when she is set to be back in town, see if she responds.

If she does, rock on.

If she doesn't, either (a) she is avoiding you (98% chance) or (b) she didn't get your text message (2% chance). At that point, try one more text, and if nothing comes of it, well, play the odds. I.e., she is avoiding you, give up the ghost, move on, try fishing in other parts of the sea, find a hat in another part of Nunavut, etc.

I'll do my best to get the confidence to a level that hasn't been reached in probably about a decade.

Dude, you're TWENTY. A decade back, you were TEN. Most guys are not interested in chicks when they are ten, not overly so. Hell, I was playing with cap guns until I was 14. Maybe 15. Because, you know, they go bang. (And not all chicks do.) But the point is, most of that decade you speak of doesn't mean diddly squat. Nothing. Nada. You have been an adult for two years. I haven't gotten a blow job in two years, and yet I am still all right. Hell, two years ago gas was expensive, Anna Nicole Smith was making headlines while she was still alive, I had just started at The Bar, the housing market in Phoenix was booming, Chrysler and GM were looking at long futures in NASCAR, and Brett Favre was a hero in Green Bay. A lot can change in two years. You are talking about ten, most of which you were, both legally and realistically, a fucking kid.

As I have said repeatedly, CHILL THE FUCK OUT, Dramarama!

Hopefully wednesday will be the night on which I, the peon turned Paladin, will once and for all kill the Hydra of Shyness and rescue the Princess, and have time for a nice dinner in the middle of that because I'm so awesome I can battle the Hydra and eat at the same time.

Yes, I love medieval fantasy.

While I love medieval fantasy as much as anyone--and I do--dude, you really need to step it down a notch. You either are going to have a cool date with her, or you aren't. It won't be the greatest day of your life, with rainbows coming out of unicorns' asses sideways, and it won't be the worst day of your life, with Dick Cheney shooting you in the face. It will either be a good day or a bad day....and...and this is important.....you will move the fuck on. Either way.

[Jester]

Am I the only one that's impatient to find out what happened on the date?

(Yeah, like my own screwy bizarre social life isn't enough for me to think about!)

[SengaKitty]

Nope, I am too, but I was busy all night last night (out with friends), and will be busy all day today.

[taurinejunkie]

Dear Jester, I have a few things to say.

1) I can't very much chill and be relaxed, because this is one of the first times I ever try to get a conventional date (because of the shyness), and the few previous offers had all been refused, so I'm pretty much in unknown territory, and it feels like I'm reading the textbook and taking my final at the same time. Yes, she's just one girl, not The One For Me or anything. I understand that completely. But I'm still in a situation where I have to learn stuff and apply it pretty much on the fly.

Due to a few girls being particularly forward in the past, however, I do have some experience of being a boyfriend, so that if things go that far I'll know what to do and will be chilled as an iceberg. But the path to being a BF I'm taking now is one I'm not too familiar with. I hope what I'm saying makes sense.

2) True, it wasn't a decade, but my self-confidence mostly died at the very beginning of high school and is only starting to come back; so it's been quite a few years; and all my confidence was affected, not only the kind that's useful when it comes to girls.

3) If the date does finally happen and go well, it'll be the first time that ever happens to me, and I'll finally start to catch up with normal people as far as social success goes. And it'll give me something to look back to so that next time I will be able to chill the fuck out because I know I can do that whole thing. Also, who in this world wouldn't be happy to kick one of their main flaws (in my case shyness) in the nads?

If it doesn't go well... Social failure is something I'm used to, so I will definitely get over it.

Again, I hope this all makes sense.

[SengaKitty]

Hon, I know it sounds hard, but chilling out really ISN'T hard. I was shy too. And like someone else said, you just need to do something to build your confidence. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you ARE confident, you ARE a good person, you ARE worth dating. Make a mantra for yourself that you tell yourself every day. I do it. I look myself in the mirror and tell myself "Look at you! You're a beautiful woman, inside and out. You're a good person, you deserve to be loved, you deserve every good thing that can be bestowed upon you. You will succeed, you are confident and beautiful."

I do this every day, some days twice a day. It's helped my confidence levels a LOT. So try it. Make your own mantra that you tell yourself every day, and see how that goes.

[Slytovhand]

And you don't want to be a Paladin.... too arrogant (what?? Did I really say that?? )

Besides, they only do it cos they like to save people - and you don't want to be that one!

Sure, they have nice shiny armour, but that's only cos they don't have enough of a social life cos they keep spending all their spare time polishing it (or their knave )

Just be a standard day to day warrior... you know, the ones who just get the job done, and know how to respect other people - cos they know they're one of those other people...


And good luck!