On vacation!

[Jester]

Thanks, Dalesys!

Actually, I am here in SLC right now, and about to head off to Crown Burger with the bride and groom (and maybe some of his brothers) for lunch.

After that, I'll be checking into my hotel for my last night here, and will have a free day, I think, here to check out SLC without a whole bunch of wedding stuff. If y'all would like to get together for a drink or whatnot, give me a call. I'll PM you my phone number (as I am not one to post it publicly).

For the rest of y'all, as for the rest of my vacation, I'll be updating y'all later. Things have been very, very interesting. Oh, have they ever!

[Jester]

The end....almost.

I will finish updating my vacation later tonight, when I am less drunk hungover than I am now, and I am done killing dealing with my deadbeat roommate.

Just a note for those who care. All three of you.

[dalesys]

Just a note for those who care. All three gross of us.

Corrected units of measurement.

[Jester]

I said I'd finish the vacation thread, and by golly I intend to. (Some people have actually asked me about this. Scary, scary stuff.....)

I believe I left off with one day left in Phoenix. That was Thursday, which was kind of a free day. I bopped over to downtown Tempe, where I had not been the whole trip, and which, to me, is kind of the Center of the Universe. If I wasn't in Tempe at least for a little while, the whole trip didn't really happen.

Anyway, I checked out he ASU campus, walked around for a bit, checked out the hot Sun Devil women (they never cease to impress me!), then bopped around Mill Avenue (the main drag) for a bit, having a beer here, shopping there, buying even more ASU gear with which to annoy my Wildcat friends. Was getting rather nostalgic, and sat down to enjoy a tasty beer at the Library, which is only one of the greatest bars EVER. Then things got a little weird, as I had to squeeze in seeing a whole bunch of people in a short time, in addition to getting to an adult shop to get some "props" for the impending bachelor party the next day in Utah.

I saw one friend and her nuew husband, and that was kind of weird, because he was not at all what I expected, in ways both good and bad. I saw an old ex-friend who I had not talked to in literally about 14 years, and who (DAMN HER!) looked pretty much exactly the same way she had when last I saw her, with only a touch more crow's feet around the eyes, but still with a killer body despite having abused it with various drugs and partying over the years AND having had four (four?!?!?) kids. I swear, this woman is indestructible. We had a couple cocktails, got caught up on the last million years, including why she pissed so many people off and why we left her one by one, and on new stuff. Sometimes her insight was scarily accurate, and I swear I have no idea how she knew some stuff she knew. Creepy! Anyway, left her to go meet with the Bride's brother, his girlfriend, and another old friend at Neets' restaurant, as scheduled, to discuss bachelor party plans (brother and girlfriend) and catch up some more (old friend).

And after that....I went back to Neets' place, to pack and catch some sleep before I had to fly off to Utah butt ass early in the morning. At least, that was the plan. I did get stuff packed. But as I was on the phone with Nurse Betty for HOURS, I only ended up getting 20 minutes of sleep before Golf Boy woke me up to take me to the airport. Yes, things were definitely taking off. I actually asked Nurse Betty to come to the wedding in Utah, initially as a joke, but then when we saw the really low airfares, it became a real possibility. (I had cleared said invite with the bride, of course.) She said if she could get one shift of hers at the hospital covered, she would wing up to Salt Lake on Saturday, attend the wedding with me, enjoy my free Sunday with me, and return to Phx on Monday when I took off for Florida.

So, flying up to SLC, for the third time out of three planes on this trip, I slept soundly. Not that I had much choice, having been up pretty much all night. My friends picked me up at the airport, and damned if the Bride didn't look just the same as when I last saw her ten years ago! (We have been in constant contact the whole time, but had not actually been in each other's physical presence in all that time.) Kind of got a little weirded out when I saw some of the signs people were holding up, as they were all directed towards "Elder This" or "Elder That." Yeah, Jester, you're in Mormonville now!

So after brief trips to the grocery and liquor stores for the following day's events, we got back to where the Bride and Groom (and I) would be staying, the Groom's aunt's place (she was, apparently, somewhere else). And I took a nice, long nap, till about 4 pm. I NEEDED IT! And, luckily, the B and G didn't need me for anything for a while. While I was snoozing, the Bride's brother and his girlfriend (who were also the Best Man and Maid of Honor) flew in to SLC from Phx. We all went over to the hall to check on a few things, meet the Groom's mother (a SAINT!), had some pizza, got ripped off by a local pizza joint, and then we all got ready for the bachelor party and bachelorette party. I had made some phone calls to decide which bars we would be going to, and to get some info. The original idea was to start together, separate for a while, then come back together, but as it turned out, we just made it one big combined party! First we went off to the Sky Bar (a bar/club on the thirteenth floor of a downtown hotel overlooking a fantastic view of SLC), which was vaguely amusing (I'm not much of a club guy, but even for a club, for a Friday night, the Sky Bar seemed kind of tame). After ordering our first round of drinks, we broke out the props.....you know, the veil for the bachelorette, the inflatable sheep for the groom, etc. And even if everyone around us wanted to be lame, we had fun. I was the MC, and I made sure that everything obnoxious happened. It's what I do. From the Sky Bar, the B and G wanted to go to a strip club, so off we went to Trails, which everyone had told us had the hottest girls. And hot they were, even if they were rather limited in what they could show/do by Utah law. It was fun, though of course living in Florida I am used to far raunchier. The altitude (4200 ft.) and the fatigue of everything got to me, though, and I was kind of dragging ass by last call.

A couple random notes: 1. It is weird (for me) to be somewhere in MAY and see mountains surrounding the town that are covered in SNOW. And it was basically cold and rainy the majority of the three days I was there. Still pretty, though. I have since compared Salt Lake City to a supermodel: gorgeous. but boring! 2. While we were at the Sky Bar, I got a text from Nurse Betty saying she could not get the shift covered, and so would not be coming to SLC. I was actually shocked by how crushed I was by that news. Things were definitely getting bizarre.

Wedding day: We all woke up and converged on the Groom's mother's house for breakfast, which the Groom and I cooked. I really cannot say how awesome his mother was. His brothers were pretty cool too, and I got "assigned" the youngest, an 18 year old dude who pretty much just did whatever I asked him to as we went about setting up. Dude was a rockstar, helping me with the dance floor, decorations, whatever was needed, until it came time to head off and get dressed for the Main Event. Ms. Saint was absolutely awesome, getting everything decorated and ready. All brides should get a mother-in-law this fantastic! (Seriously. It wasn't just me that thought this. The Bride adores Ms. Saint.)

The ceremony was nice, but was marred a bit by the minister, a Mormon bishop they had selected at Ms. Saint's request. The B and G had gone over what they wanted with him, which was a non-religious ceremony, and he had agreed to that, and taken their money.....and then during the ceremony, kept sneaking religion into the service. Not at all the ceremony they agreed to with him, which kind of sucked on his part. I'm sorry, but I don't care what religion you are or espouse, if you agree to deliver a service and deliver something else after being paid, that is called "fraud." The B and G are considering redoing their ceremony in a smaller, more private (and less religious) affair either in Arizona (where they are planning to move to), or here in Key West, on a boat, which I have already found for them (a friend of mine does a great gourmet dinner sunset cruise on his small yacht). After that, the toasts (I gave one, of course!), various other formalities (I missed catching the garter by THAT much!), and on to dinner and dancing. And, worse than the minister was the DJ, who I had been placed in charge of due to my experience in that capacity. Without getting into details, let's just say the dude totally dropped the ball, so much so that the bride wanted (and got) a refund from him. Since she was ready to rip his throat out and feed it to him (she is strung like a tennis racket), once more I had to step in and Get Things Done. And I have to give myself credit here....I tore the guy a new one and got the refund, but did so diplomatically, he was asking me for advice on his future gigs by the end of the dressing down.

Sprinkled in with all the usual stuff was a brief standup comedy routine by the Bride's brother (he was hilarious!), and a short magic routine by yours truly. Since the Bride had not seen me since the start of my magic career, she was just as blown away by the magic as everyone else, and I have to say, despite much red wine in me, I pretty much nailed it.

And then we sent the B and G off to a hotel to enjoy their wedding night (though, with her usual luck in such things, the hotel managed to screw things up too, though I am not sure of the exact details). The Best Man and Maid of Honor and I went off to a sports bar to unwind, and had the Worst Waitress Ever. She made it clear she didn't give a shit, and was slower than molasses running uphill in the Wasatch Mountains. It was reflected in her tip, which was not quite 15%. From me. That should tell you how bad she was. Then I saw those two off (they had a morning flight back to Phoenix), and I returned to the bar where I repositioned myself at the bar itself and got fantastic service from two different bartenders.....and that also was reflected in the tips I left. Then a cab back to the house I was staying at, where I told the cabdriver, "Thanks...now I am going to go inside, call my girl, and pass out."

And then realized I was now referring to Nurse Betty as "my girl."

My last day in SLC, the B and G and his brothers and mom and I all went off to lunch. We were GOING to go to Crown Burger, but apparently they are not open on Sundays, so we ended up at a (nice) chain restaurant. During lunch I did some more magic (the twins had not seen any the day before), and FOR lunch I had a GREAT burger (though not a pastrami one, of course), and had a decent hefeweizen (German style unfiltered wheat beer, for those who are confused). I have to explain that throughout the trip, I had been having Kiltlifters in Phoenix (a great local brew) and trying new and different beers wherever I went. And while I was enjoying said hefeweizen, the Bride got a local amber beer called Evolution. She took one sip, and her eyes went WIDE. Before she even said anything, I knew it had to be pretty awesome. She let me try a sip.....and I immediately turned to our waitress and said, "When I am done with this hefe, bring me one of THESE. The LARGE size, please!"

Beer geek stuff: Yes, most of the beers in SLC are lower alcohol percentage. That sucks. But a lot of them are rather tasty. Wasatch Breweries makes some good stuff. But their amber deserves a special note. Evolution is, quite simply, the greatest amber beer I have ever had, lower alcohol be damned. It is what all other ambers aspire to be. I love a good amber, but this was an eye opener. One of the best beers I have ever had, and as stated above, simply the greatest amber....EVER. If you are a beer fan, and find yourself trapped in visiting Salt Lake City, find yourself a bar that serves Evolution Amber. WOW!!!! (Yes. It's THAT good!)

After that, I said goodbye to the in-laws (I cannot emphasize how awesome they were!), and the B and G dropped me at my hotel, which was, of course, Smileyeagle's place of employment. And, of course, even though he wasn't on shift yet, he managed to make his presence known. As I was checking in, the lovely girl behind the front desk said, "It says here I am supposed to ask you for a magic trick." Nice one, Smiley. Nice touch. So, did some magic for her, got some information, checked in to my room, checked a couple things online, then went to the bar next door to, well, drink. And drink I did. Evolution after Evolution. The good thing about lower alcohol beer is you can drink more of it. Which is great when it is a lovely tasty beverage you are probably not going to have for a long time thereafter.

Went back to the hotel, met Smiley, talked on the phone with Nurse Betty (of course), crashed, woke up, talked some more with Smiley, and then began the trip home: one shuttle bus, one plane, one in-airport train, another plane, another shuttle bus to the parking lot, then my truck for the four hour drive from Lauderdale down to Key West. Where I got in, killed my Deadbeat roommate, disposed of the body, and my friend Little Red took me out to dinner then out drinking.

All in all, pretty much the best vacation EVER. (And I think it would qualify for that even if the whole Nurse Betty thing didn't happen.)

And back to work the very next morning. With one HUGE smile on my face.


EDITED TO ADD: Transportation was a funny thing. In total, I was on five planes, three shuttle buses, one in-airport train, two light rail trains, one cab, and eight cars, trucks, or SUV's, four of which I drove at one point or another. And one waterslide. And yes, a waterslide IS transportation. How else are you going to get from up THERE to down in the POOL?!?!?