So does anyone else have a twisted view of death?

[Mr Slugger]

Today marked one year since my father passed away. However in all honestly I only know this because I was reminded about it last night. Had I not been reminded the day would have went like every other day. And while my brother and sister were doing things to remember my father I worked a full shift, came home took care of the baby, watched a movie, played some guitar hero, and now I'm doing this before I'm off to bed.

Sure I miss my dad, but at the same time he's dead and that can't be changed. And it's been that way with pretty much everyone that has ever died around me. My sister knows when my grandmother died 10 years ago. I don't even remember what month, same with my grandfather, etc.

Death by old age or sickness really doesn't seem to affect me. I think mentally I process it as it was their time to go. Accidental death can be different though, just haven't had anyone die "by accident" in a long time

Anyone else go a twisted view like this or any I the only one?

[Evil Queen]

I'm morbid. I like death and most aspects thereof. But I'm very much the same way when it comes to natural deaths. My grandfather passed away several years ago now. I think of him often but usually wind up treating the day of his passing as just another day. Because it is. If I dwelled on it, he would be sad.

Accidental deaths, I do not know. I have never known anyone (personally) that has passed on by accident.

[spark]

Personally I don't think that's twisted, I think it's healthy. People who obsess over the dead creep me out. Parents who keep these elaborate shrines to children who died young (or were stillborn even!) particularly make me uncomfortable. Mourning is normal. Missing the person is normal. But constantly going on and on and on about it, especially once a year or two has passed is just... pointless. They're gone, you miss them, they're not coming back, time to get on with life.

[Jester]

While I don't obsess over it, I do usually mark March 5th in some way, either by lighting a candle, reflecting on my life, reflecting on Dad's life, or just chilling out, and generally not working. If you haven't figured it out by now, March 5th was the day my father died in 1981. Quite simply the worst day of my life.

That being said, I do have a bit of a twisted view on things, and have said some things that might have made some people uncomfortable. Jokes, usually. As in, I have referred to Dad on more that one occasion as "worm bait." Sick? Perhaps. But it was said in a joking way in the context of the conversation. And frankly, Dad would probably have laughed himself. After all, who the heck do you think I got my sense of humor from in the first place?

[Dips]

Parents who keep these elaborate shrines to children who died young (or were stillborn even!) particularly make me uncomfortable.

I've lost a young child. He was ten and died after a heart operation. We buried him 5 days before Christmas 2007.

If building shrines makes other people uncomfortable, so be it. The discomfort of others is very minor compared to what they are going through. Being supportive and understanding despite your own discomfort would be a true act of compassion and charity.

There's no right or wrong way to remember someone you've loved and lost: whether it be a husband, a child, a grandparent, a parent, a sibling or a friend.

Taking time on an anniversary to reflect or acting like the day is like any other day. Both are right.

Decorating and visiting a grave or never looking back. Both are right.

Giving your loved one's possessions away or keeping their room just as it was. Both are right.

And grief doesn't follow a timetable. You can't expect that people will switch off the pain after a year or two to avoid making others uncomfortable.

It's different, of course, if the grieving person seems to be completely unable to function normally on a day-to-say basis many years after losing their loved one. That's not healthy and a sign that they might need professional help.

But building a shrine or talking about a loved one many years after they've died isn't anything to worry about as long as the person is also taking care of themselves and their living loved ones.

[Dreamstalker]

Sure I miss my dad, but at the same time he's dead and that can't be changed. And it's been that way with pretty much everyone that has ever died around me.

Death by old age or sickness really doesn't seem to affect me. I think mentally I process it as it was their time to go.

Anyone else go a twisted view like this or any I the only one?

I'm also less affected by it than people think I should be. My shrink has claimed it's due to my "lack of affect"...eh?

I took a thanatology class in college (that prof was awesome, too bad he left the next year) which seemed to cement my views.

Yes, we keep some stuff of my grandfather's around (his state police badge, letters and documents, I found the license tag from his childhood dog and wear it on a collar just cuz I think it's neat) and mark his birthday with his favorite meal (steak and potatoes). He wouldn't want us to dwell on the day of his death; marking that seems weird.

[One-Fang]

I'm with DS. Marking the date of death creeps me out. You wanna remember someone? Remember them on their birthday. Celebrate the life that was. Making a point of 'celebrating' the date that they actually died definitely creeps me out.

I agree with Spark 100% and Dips, I'm sorry for your loss and I understand everyone grieves differently, but yes, you'd make me uncomfortable. I don't think Spark was implying you should not do it if it makes you happy, just that it makes her uncomfortable. I probably would not revisit your home if I found some sort of shrine to a long-dead child. It is certainly your prerogative to do this, just as it is mine to choose not to return.

It also creeps me out with the road markers. Round here we put white crosses on the road when someone dies there. Sometimes you see some that are well attended - always fresh flowers and notes and things. Ick. Remember their life, visit their grave if you want to place flowers for them, but visiting the site where their death happened and 'shrining' it? Sorry, that just seems very morbid and extremely tacky to me.

[AdminAssistant]

A friend of mine was killed in a car wreck, and I still think of him on the anniversary of his death. Very shortly after he died, a stop light was put up at the intersection where he was killed. For a long time, I couldn't drive through it without crying, because it would've saved his life.

However someone wants to grieve...I won't judge them for that. If that means roadside markers, shrines, keeping a child's room as it was....it's not my business, and quite frankly, it's nobody else's business either.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

My mom died on Easter Sunday several years ago. She was very sick, though. And unfortunately, we weren't as close as we could have been. She was always working to make ends meet or sleeping, so my sister and I kind of raised ourselves.

So, I don't even know what I think of death anymore, or if I even believe in an afterlife. I do have issues with Easter, though. Of course, that day gets handled with Easter Bunny Kill, Kill these days.

[CaroPhoenix]

I felt guilty this past December 2008 because it was the first time in 8 years that I had (almost) forgotten my grandmother's death. I have cards and pictures she sent me within the last 2 years before her death. My husband doesn't understand, but as long as they're in a box (which they are) and not cluttering everything around, he's not bothered by it.

I do remember when I was 10 that I decided I wanted to live my life as a hermit because then I wouldn't have any friends and not be affected by anyone's death. I have no clue why I decided this as no one I knew had died/was dead at that time.

[Lace Neil Singer]

My friend died just over a year ago; we marked the anniversary of his death with a rock kareoke night. He loved rock music and singing kareoke; it seemed fitting. However, I prefer to remember him in life rather than in death; I'd sooner remember the guy who hugged like a bear, never washed his motorbike and loved to rock out, than the guy who died in a tragic motorbike accident. That's my take.

[edible_hat]

When my grandmother died age 93, the whole family were more relieved than anything else. Relieved that we didn't she was no longer in pain, we were no longer constantly expecting emergency type phone calls from the manger of her retirement village, we didn't have to be polite to a holocaust denier, etc.

[Mr Slugger]

It also creeps me out with the road markers. Round here we put white crosses on the road when someone dies there. Sometimes you see some that are well attended - always fresh flowers and notes and things. Ick. Remember their life, visit their grave if you want to place flowers for them, but visiting the site where their death happened and 'shrining' it? Sorry, that just seems very morbid and extremely tacky to me.

See I feel at times road markers are a good thing. Not every single one, but where they matter most. Like there was a shrine in front of our store. It was taken down do to lack of upkeep and people throwing stuff into the shrine and making it look bad.

Basically our store's parking lot looks like part of the road if your not paying attention and especially at night. The problem is at the edge of our parking lot is a telephone pole. And a kid last year had too many beers and wrapped his car around the pole. Suffice it to say while he was the only one to ever bee killed because of that pole he's one of a dozen people that had hit it or got into a wreck trying to avoid it. It would be nice if there was a kept up marker there to remind people that this pole killed people.

Same up in New Hampshire there's a stretch of road that has killed alot of people. It's a good reminder of how many have died on that stretch of road.

[Jester]

Everyone has different ways of grieving, commemorating a lost loved one, etc.

When TD died last year, at her memorial (which I organized), I drank nothing but Coors Light. Why? Well, personally I hate the stuff, and thinks it is about as watered down a beer as one can get....but it is what she drank. Amusingly, I know that, had she been there, she would have smacked me upside the head and said, "What the hell are you drinking that for? You and I both know you don't like it! Drink what you enjoy, jackass."

[spark]

I don't think Spark was implying you should not do it if it makes you happy, just that it makes her uncomfortable. I probably would not revisit your home if I found some sort of shrine to a long-dead child. It is certainly your prerogative to do this, just as it is mine to choose not to return.

That's what I meant, yes. Everybody is free to live their life however they want. But I just... can't be comfortable with shrines to people who died years ago, who are mourned as though they passed yesterday, or treated as though they're still alive and just walked out the door. It weirds me out and I don't know how to deal with it. But I would never dream of telling somebody they shouldn't do so! I just can't personally cope with that. I deal with death very differently. I've never celebrated the anniversary of anybody's death, nor really had any sort of memorials to anybody I've known who died. That's just not how I roll.