So does anyone else have a twisted view of death?

[Dips]

We both took Kyle's birthday and anniversary off and plan to do the same this year.

Last year we spent his birthday (which is in October) driving down to Cape Cod and hiking on the national seashore. It was a lovely day.

His anniversary we had Mass said for him and his loved ones. Mostly for his loved ones; innocents most likely don't need our prayers according to our religion. Then invited the family to the cemetary for a brief gathering followed by a trip to our home for coffee and donuts.

I'd really love to be able to forget his anniversary. It was the worst day of my life and the flashbacks have gotten better but still haunt me.

As far as making others uncomfortable goes. I don't give a flying fig.

If somebody I know offline has been uncomfortable, at least they've been decent about it. They had the good grace not to make it all about them and make a point of sharing those feelings with me.

[Boozy]

If somebody I know offline has been uncomfortable, at least they've been decent about it. They had the good grace not to make it all about them and make a point of sharing those feelings with me.

It makes me glad to know that you have such supportive friends in real life.

The classy thing to do once one has discovered that someone has lost a child is to say "I'm sorry" and to keep all judgmental thoughts about how they are grieving to oneself. There's no need for any more opinions on the subject.

[wchristopher]

I get a little upset when people I know die cause I'll never see them again.


Then I PARTY in remembrence of their life.

[LibraryLady]

Everybody has a different way of dealing with death. So long as that way works for you, it's fine in my book. Here's how we handled it.

My FIL took a turn for the worst while his wife was on a visit to their home country with two DILS. It was touch-and-go but she did get home in time for them to say good-bye and we came to comfort her.

FIL was cremated and there was a nice Memorial Service at a local church. Then there was the problem of how to dispose of the ashes. FIL loved to ski. It's not permitted to strew ashes in this ski area but we worked out a way to do it. FIL was born in July. We'd strew the ashes on his Birthday. In the Summer, the ski area operates the lifts for people who want to hike or see the views.

We took the lift up with FIL's ashes in Hubby's backpack. FIL was a Gonzo skier so we went to the top of the top of a black diamond ski run he loved. I stood a bit away to alert the strewers if anyone was coming up the path.

Mission was accomplished and we went back down to one of FIL's favorite restaurants and ordered his classic meal after a day on the slopes.

It wasn't a traditional way to mark a passing but it was about what FIL loved.

[One-Fang]

I'd really love to be able to forget his anniversary. It was the worst day of my life and the flashbacks have gotten better but still haunt me.

Just to clarify, I don't think a person needs to "forget" it either. Just, personally, if I were remembering the life of someone I loved dearly who was no longer here, I'd probably choose to do it annually on their birthday.

I also wouldn't ever say anything about this to you personally had you invited me into your home. You say things online you wouldn't get into IRL, y'know? Your grief is your business, not mine.

See I feel at times road markers are a good thing.

Road markers, yes. Put the white crosses up, by all means. I passed a long straight stretch of road once that had what seemed like hundreds of them. Must be the most dangerous long straight flat bit of road about.

It's the constant fresh flowers and memorialising/shrining of the marker that I was referring to. All that cost and effort, which could have been put into remembering someone's life, not their death.

Also, frankly, since they mark places of crashes, some of them just aren't safe to get to. People risking their own lives to place flowers at the site where a loved one died every few weeks? That just seems a whole new level of nuts - what are they trying to do - join them?

[Sheldonrs]

My family has a very twisted view of death. When we found out our mom was dying, my sisters and I told her that for Christmas that year, we were giving her a half roll of toilet paper and calling it a life time supply. And that we would enroll her in the "Book of the Minute" club.
She loved that kind of humor. Heck, she taught it to us.

[candyshopgirl]

I for one welcomed death for my poor grandma.I know it sounds sick but toward the end she couldn't even walk ,see,or even make it to the bathroom before using it on herself because of her cancer. She died a month after being told she had cancer. I WILL never forget my grandma saying she was ready to go "home" with GOD.So sometimes death is good

[AdminAssistant]

My grandmother passed away at 92, after a very long and fulfilled life. She broke her hip in August (2004), and we had to put her in a nursing home, and it just broke her heart. She was gone by the end of January. She was ready to go; her husband had passed away in 1970. At her funeral, the preacher mentioned that her and Grandpa were together for the first time in 35 years. That reminds me of the time that we were teasing her about flirting with the little old men at the home, and she stiffened up and said, "My man passed a long time ago, and I ain't seen one as good as him since."

The funny thing happened after the visitation. My family is a big group of eaters, so we all decided to go out to eat afterwards: Mom and Dad, Sis and BIL, both aunts and their husbands, and one of my cousins. We went to Cracker Barrel, sat around laughing, talking about that night, sharing memories, etc. The waiter came up to us and said, "You guys must be having a party!" My aunt replied, "No, our mother just died." The look on that poor guy's face was priceless. We all laughed and told him that it wasn't a sad passing. It's the way she would've wanted it.

However, as one of the church ladies who helped us organize everything reminded us - funerals, memorials, etc. are not for the deceased. They're for those left behind.

[Ree]

So glad I didn't see this thread which just happened to be posted on the 1 year anniversary of my own husband's death.

To those uncomfortable with shrines to the dead...don't come to my house...you'd never visit again. In fact, don't befriend me at all, since my whole life is one big shrine to my soulmate and best friend.

Everyone grieves in their own way.
I grieve how I damn well wish to grieve, and I do what makes me feel comfortable, and I don't give a flying fig if it bothers anybody. By the same token, I let others deal with their own grief in their own way and reserve judgment.
My pain is my pain, and their pain is their pain, and I think it's incredibly crass to inflict one's negative views on how others handle their loss.

[iradney]

Sunday was the 8 year anniversary of my eldest sister passing away. I still remember it, and it still hurts. But not nearly as much as it still hurts for my parents.
It's against the natural order of things for a parent to outlive a child, and if people are "squicked out" by me, or anyone else, remembering a loved one who has shuffled off their mortal coil, then they're welcome to get the hell out of my life.

[Jester]

Well said, Ree. Well said.

[SteverinoNY]

Agree with Ree

I totally agree with you Ree. It's so hard to just forget about how a loved one made your life what it is and the impact that they had on you. They are who they are. And you are right, people grieve how they were meant to do so. It's individual for each person.

For example, when my grandfather passed away back on January 3 of this year, we had a big gathering of the family just the way he would like us to. Yes we were all sad and we miss him a whole hell of a lot, but we lived it up just like he would have wanted us to. All of us who were of age ordered his favorite drink (or 7) and proceeded to enjoy them just like he would have wanted us to. All of his children and his grandchildren have pictures of him all over their houses. We don't have them up because we are memorializing him, but they help us to remember all of the good times he experienced and all of the good times we had with him.

My grandmother recently gave each child a golf club out of my grandfather's golf bag with the number in which they were born (for example, my mom got his three wood because she was the third child that they had) and we play a golf tournament every year, not to memorialize him, but to do the thing that was most important to him. He loved to see his family get together and to have a wonderful time, which was the sole purpose of the tournament.

So, when it comes to mourning, to each their own and there is no right way to do it.

[Mr Slugger]

So glad I didn't see this thread which just happened to be posted on the 1 year anniversary of my own husband's death.

To those uncomfortable with shrines to the dead...don't come to my house...you'd never visit again. In fact, don't befriend me at all, since my whole life is one big shrine to my soulmate and best friend.

Everyone grieves in their own way.
I grieve how I damn well wish to grieve, and I do what makes me feel comfortable, and I don't give a flying fig if it bothers anybody. By the same token, I let others deal with their own grief in their own way and reserve judgment.
My pain is my pain, and their pain is their pain, and I think it's incredibly crass to inflict one's negative views on how others handle their loss.

Ree I'm sorry that posts in this thread have upset you. The original post was only about my reaction to my father's anniversary. Again everyone around me was posting pictures, playing videos, doing things for his anniversary. There was nothing wrong with how they were handling that day, it was more or less was it wrong for me to look at it as any other day of the week.

[Dips]

it was more or less was it wrong for me to look at it as any other day of the week.

If I may step in here...

In my opinion the way you handled it wasn't "wrong." Not at all. Nor was the way your relatives handled it. There is absolutely no right or wrong here.

Grief is like drowning. *How* you keep yourself afloat doesn't matter. What matters is the that you *do* keep yourself afloat.

My condolences to you on the loss of your father and to everyone else here who has lost a loved one.

[Ree]

In my opinion the way you handled it wasn't "wrong." Not at all. Nor was the way your relatives handled it. There is absolutely no right or wrong here

I agree.

For some people, death is a devastating thing. For others, death is just another point on the circle of life.

When my father died very unexpectedly, it was the first major loss in our immediate family. At the time, I didn't think I would ever get over it.
After a few years, though, the date of his death would come and go, and I wouldn't even think about it.

To be honest, I have to stop and think about the date and even the year of my Dad's death, because I don't remember it. (Of course, that could also just be my age. )
On his birthday, I will think, "Oh Dad would have been X years old today." On my parent's wedding anniversary, I will try and remember how many years of marriage they would have been celebrating.

On the whole, though, while I miss my Dad, time has healed and the date of his death has become just another day.

For my husband, however, I don't think I will ever reach a point where the anniversary date will ever go by with me not thinking about what day it is.

I think some people remember the person on the date of their death simply because their death was a traumatic moment. That doesn't mean they don't also remember them on anniversary dates for happy occasions like birthdays, etc.

I don't think the point of this thread was to debate whether roadside memorials and shrines to the dead are appropriate, and I'm sorry it went in that direction.

I think the OP's point was more of a discussion about how people view death and an affirmation that his own nonchalant way of looking at it was "normal".
It is.