Advice on how to handle MIL, FIL, & Mr. Rum

[Talon]

I second everything RecoveringKinkoid said.

You're expected to pack Mr. Rum's bags? Seriously?? You're his wife, not a live-in maidservant!

Maybe he'd get the hint if you packed some diapers in his bags next time?

As for the parentals-un-law, fuck them. I can't stand willfully ignorant people, if they don't want to understand your kid's needs they have no business around him. And the "too far away" excuse cuts both ways.

[MaggieTheCat]

I third everything that RK said. I also have a question: Are your parents still alive, and do you have a good (or at least, not bad) relationship with them? If so, how far away do they live, and how often do you get to see them? I'm just thinking that if they live as far or further away from you than Mr.Rum's parents do, he has no business whining about wanting to see his family.

[CaroPhoenix]

Unfortunately (or for me, fortunately), my parents live about 5 minutes from our house.

Child Rum loves to go to their house and visit. (My mom has a play room her and her cousin).

I feel like sending Mr. Rum down to his parents' house this weekend and have the house to myself along with Child Rum.

It's becoming that I don't want to go home anymore.

On a side note, I got 2 e-mails from Borders. One was for a BOGO 50% off and the other was to let me know I had until July 31 to use the $5 I had in my Border's Rewards account. I used both and bought 3 of Temple Grandin's books concerning Autism. I can't wait to get them!

[Evil Queen]

I really want to give the In-Laws this book but Mr. Rum has said that if I give it to his parents, I have to give it to my parents.

Difference is your parents may find it humorous or, there is a chance of this, already have their own copy.

(damned spell checker telling me that "humour" is spelled wrong! damn you!!)

[CaroPhoenix]

I told my dad about the book, but my dad said he wasn't a "dummy" so no, they don't have the book.

Also, my mom has said Mr. Rum should spend more time with Child Rum as Child Rum wants to play with the cats (and this morning it ended up with a trip to the eye doctor), but my mom thinks Mr. Rum should pay more attention/play with her so she doesn't hurt the cats/get hurt by the cats.

[MaggieTheCat]

Do you and Mr.Rum ever do things on your own (besides him going to work, and you taking care of ChildRum)? Like, does one of you ever take a weekend trip without the other, or a night out with friends without the other, etc...

It's definitely good to have your own space in a relationship, I think. It would be a great idea for him to go see his parents for a weekend while you stay home, so you can both have a little space on your own.

[Setsunaela]

honestly it seems to me that the non-rum grandparents don't seem to want a relationship with your daughter, truly. From what I've read, they want a relationship with the granddaughter that your daughter unfortunately isn't. They seem to want your child to behave the way their other grandchildren behave, and refuse to accept that it isn't going to happen.

[CaroPhoenix]

Maggie - I've tried to send Mr. Rum out on his own (he's done it a few times, but mainly to go play D&D at The Gaming Store). When I want to go out, he is always chucking Child Rum at me and saying I have to take her with me. I'm not allowed to go out by myself for some reason.

Setsunaela - I think you're right about them wanting Child Rum to be like their other 2 normally developing grandchildren. It's so not going to happen. Child Rum needs as much help as she can get. I'm going to have to sit the 3 of them down (MIL, FIL, and Mr. Rum) and tell them what is going on and if they don't like the way I'm raising Child Rum, then they can go DIAF and GTFO of our lives.

[Setsunaela]

<snip>When I want to go out, he is always chucking Child Rum at me and saying I have to take her with me. <snip>

for the record, Hubby dearest said that, if/when we meet up at Game Parlor/elsewhere, you're incredibly welcome to bring your daughter. He's said a few times he'd like to meet her.

[KiaKat]

Personally, I think she sounds like a charming little girl. All your stories make me think she's probably great to be around (although tiring).

If her grandparents (or father) want her to be something she isn't, what's going to happen as she gets older and starts trying to figure out who she is and what she believes? What is going to happen to her cousins when they stop fitting into the mould of the "perfect grandchild?"

In the end, you are her mother, and her primary caregiver. What you say, goes, and that's that.

[morgana]

First off, for you.

at the whole NotARum family.

As for advice, well, I can only say what I think I'd do in your shoes. Which is tell the whole family (including Mr. Spoiled-Brat-Can't-Bother-To-Care-For-His-Child) to take a long walk off a short pier.

Sorry, easy for me to say. But I know how they *should* be acting. I know a couple with the same problem; their younger boy (younger; he's 15 now) is autistic. To the point of being non-verbal. Eric is as much Oliver's caregiver as Opal is; he's extremely involved in Oliver's life, and schooling, and everything the boy does. He communicates with Oliver at least as well as Opal does.

And he packs his own damn luggage, too.

You don't need this crap. I think you and Child Rum would be better off on your own.

I know; not what you wanted to hear. I'll butt out now. Just know we're here for you.

[CaroPhoenix]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I was thinking of doing the list almost like a letter as I can't seem to get them to understand through the spoken word. Small words in English are still too hard for them.

As for Mr. Rum I am going to have to sit him down and ask him why he thinks I'm the only one responsible for Child Rum as she shares 50% of his genes. I might even start a chart for him to do. (Though lately, he has been getting up with her on the weekends so I can sleep an extra hour or two).

Morgana, I'd leave Mr. Rum (I have asked the age-old Dear Abby Question: "Am I better off with him or without him?") and since I have no support from my parents, as I should be so happy that he lets me stay home and raise Child Rum and that should be enough for me, I have no place to go.

I am sticking by my resolution to mail all Christmas Presents to all the people in Mr. Rum's family (that includes the BILs and their families). If they want to personally hand their presents over to us, they know where we live.

I'm not going through the debacle we went through this past Christmas.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I agree with that, otherwise I'd be with Morganna in suggesting you jettison the extra kid (that would be Mr. Rum). But yeah, at the very least he enables you to be a stay at home mom for your child, which she needs. And she wouldn't understand why daddy's not around anymore, it would just be traumatic for her. He is not much active in her life, but it's better than nothing.

I hate to sound cold, but he's a source of income, and that's definately needed. I'm just being stone cold practical here. If he was actively abusive, I'd say get out, but you haven't said that he is.

But really, if he's not going to be a daddy, or a husband, he should waive his right to make any sort of demand in that department.

[CaroPhoenix]

I'm definitely going to be talking to Mr. Rum this Saturday or Sunday.

Right now, he's running his D&D game. Child Rum is excited to be with the "Game Parlors" as she calls them. I think she's going to be a DM when she grows up.

We really need to be more structured. And we need to get Child Rum to go with the structure.

As far as the NotaRums are concerned, as long as our family life is chaotic, they're a non-issue until either a birthday or major holiday comes around.