Advice on this, please?

[Caveat Emptor]

Last week our office had a man and a woman visit from our "branch office" in Texas. I found myself attracted to the woman, and would like to contact her and ask if I could get to know her better. The part I'm torn on is how to convey this message in such a manner as not to confuse her, have her misunderstand or unintentionaly mislead her, but on the other hand I don't want to come across as too forceful. Is there a way to middle ground in this manner?

[NightWatch]

First off, we live in a craptacular world nowadays, so review your companies dating/relationship policy and be sure you're not violating any rules.
Then maybe call her at her office and say something like, "Hey, this is Caveat, you were at my office a couple of weeks ago and you seemed very interesting. Would you like to go get coffee/lunch sometime?"

Just to avoid any potential problems for your job, do not say anything about her appearance (ie: I think you're beautiful, or I liked your outfit) and keep the first meeting very low pressure (so coffee or lunch would be perfect).

If she says no for whatever reason, be nice about it and then leave her alone.

But what do you mean about "misunderstanding" and "misleading"? That makes it seem like you have weird intentions (like a one night stand).

[Caveat Emptor]

She lives and works in Texas, so an informal get-together would be a bit problematic. There are occasional visits between the offices. I was hoping to get some kind of communication going that would start us getting to know each other. By misleading, I mean that I want her to know from the start that I wish to develop a romantic relationship so there would be no surprises later on. There would be no problem work-wise; I know several people that have met their SO's while both were working here. I would first email her work address and tell her that I want to discuss something non-work related and ask that she contact my personal email address. She's not a supervisor or someone over me, so that would not be an issue. If she declines, yes, it defintely stops right then and there.

[Aethian]

I seriously would NOT do that. But hey good luck with it if you do. Just remember to really go over that interoffice relationship part in your contract with a fine toothed comb.

[Caveat Emptor]

I seriously would NOT do that. But hey good luck with it if you do. Just remember to really go over that interoffice relationship part in your contract with a fine toothed comb.

Like I said, it would only be a problem / no-no if she was in a senior position that could unduly influence my career. Which is not the case - we're both on the same level in that regard.

[tropicsgoddess]

I would be careful about that sort of thing at work, Caveat. Not to be a pessimist or anything, but if God forbid things went wrong, it can bite you in the ass.

[thegiraffe]

I think I understand where Caveat is coming here. Pretty women typically get hit on quite a bit because they're "hot", and I think that Caveat wants to make his feelings known without putting her on the defensive, and at the same time make it clear that he's interested in HER, not just sex or being a trophy date or whatever. (Was that accurate, Caveat?)

I think the first thing I have to ask is how far away do you live? You mention that she's in Texas...where do you live? I do think that the fact that you guys don't work in the same office IS a good thing so that if things go sour you don't have to look at each other every day.

As far as how to "break the ice" so to speak? I'm the queen of easily offended when it comes to this stuff, so maybe I can offer some practical advice?

Did she say anything interesting while she was there? Maybe made mention of a hobby or last weekend or whatever? Perhaps go from that angle, "I heard you talking about ____ last week, I do that too!" or something of the sort. Showing an interest in a hobby of hers - especially if you genuinely are interested in the same thing - can be a great non-threatening way to kind of break the ice. I would avoid at all costs any comments about her appearance because that's a huge red flag - at least to me. Without many more details, that's about all I can think of. Good luck to ya!!

[Caveat Emptor]

That's completely accurate. While one of the things that got me to notice her *is* the fact that she is extremely attractive, I also saw that she's far more than a "pretty face" - she came across as highly intelligent, well spoken and a very nice person. Put together that's why I want to try and start a relationship with her.

I'm in MD. We can't talk about most things work-related outside of work because the work we do is classified. She is a SGT in the Army and I did overhear her say she only has seven months left, which would be great if she would want to move up here afterwards and work at headquarters where I am. We could use those intervening months to develop a relationship.

I was thinking of handling the initial contact this way: I email her at work and say that I have a non-work issue that I would like to discuss with her, and would (she) please email me at <personal email address> at (her) earliest convenience? When she does, I'll respnd like this: "I was wondering if you were currently in a relationship, and if not, would you be open to the two of us beginning one, starting slowly with us getting to know each other?"

Thoughts on that?

We didn't talk more than once face-to-face where I asked her about something specifically work-related during an office birthday party. The rest of the day she was there, she was working with more senior analysts. It would have been awkward to broach the subject of common interests in that environment.

[NightWatch]

I dunno, unless she felt an attraction to you, that's the sort of email that I (personally) would just delete.
I would try the initial email as something more like, "Hey there, this is so-and-so and we met last week. You struck me as extremely intelligent and I'd like to pick your brain on a personal level. Here's my personal email, I hope we can chat sometime."

Then if she does email you back, just start out talking to her like any other girl you meet. Talk about each other interests and what not, but don't throw the relationship card right on the table. Women, just like men, will run for the hills if you mention commitment stuff too early.
Women are typically attracted to men they can talk and relate too. You don't need to ask her if she is currently single, because if she isn't, it'll come up eventually.

You're stressing yourself out so much about this that you're coming off a little creepy. So relax, act natural. She's far away right now, so you don't need to push for anything because it'll hurt you more then her.

[Caveat Emptor]

What about telling her I was trying to decide on my next vacation with somewhere in Texas as one option, and segwaying into asking what she likes to do / where she likes to go in San Antonio (where she is stationed)?

[NightWatch]

You could tell her after a couple of exchanged emails that you were planning a vacation that happened to be nearby and if she would like to hang out on one of those days that you would love to have her along.

But that is another I wouldn't let drop too quick, lest you find yourself slapped with a stalking injunction.

[Caveat Emptor]

Then if she does email you back, just start out talking to her like any other girl you meet. Talk about each other interests and what not

Wouldn't asking her directly about her interests also throw up a red flag? I'm sorry, but as you may have guessed, I have a bit of a problem with the "breaking the ice" part. More help would be appreciated.

[NightWatch]

You would say something like, "I love to go hiking. I once went on a hike where this really cool thing happened..." (no, it doesn't have to be about hiking, just something you genuinely enjoy. It opens the door for conversation, just throw in some questions about what she likes to do for fun.
If you genuinely care about her interests, that's a good thing. Going on about how totally hawt her bewbs are would be a red flag though.

But seriously, don't get yourself so worked up, it's not going to help you any. Like really, you NEED to relax. If you don't think you can do that, remember that one work thing you asked her about?? Email her about it and ask for clarification or something, after a couple of exchanged work related emails, you'll probably feel a little more comfortable working in your personal email address.

[1756GR2]

I was thinking of handling the initial contact this way: I email her at work and say that I have a non-work issue that I would like to discuss with her, and would (she) please email me at <personal email address> at (her) earliest convenience? When she does, I'll respnd like this: "I was wondering if you were currently in a relationship, and if not, would you be open to the two of us beginning one, starting slowly with us getting to know each other?"

Sorry, hon, that would seriously creep me out. Smacks of false pretenses even though you couched it in "a non-work issue". IMHO it's better to wait till the next time she's in your offices, then ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee at lunchtime or just after work. Maybe with a couple of coworkers. That's assuming, of course, that you have an iron-clad understanding of your workplace rules on that sort of thing.

[Caveat Emptor]

I sent an email asking if I could "pick her brain" on a non-work issue and gave my email address. She said she only had her work and Army email addresses, so I went ahead and told her I was thinking of Texas as one of several options for my next vacation, starting with Houston to try and visit with some old friends and former classmates that live in that area (100% true) and then coming up to San Antonio, and could she recc. places for me to go and restaurants? She replied she would be glad to help and would look into any festivals and other events / places and get back to me. I'm going to take the vacation in early to mid-Oct. I will wait for the info she's looking up, mull it over, and in a couple of weeks I'll tell her I've made up my mind and ask if she'd be interested in joining me on a Sat or Sun at the particular festival? Does that sound good?