CS's Advice Column From HELL!

[Chanlin]

Dear Annoyed,

If you're not man enough to talk your wife into having another child there is always child abuse. Guaranteed to make sure you current kid won't be spoiled. Although you may want to start an investment fund now so you can pay for his therapy later. After all we don't want him becoming some homicidal psycho that will hunt you down after hes all grown up. Of course if that sounds too complicated you could always simply ensure that he doesn't grow up... f you know what I mean.

~SC

Dear Doggone,

You seriously need to write in to ask me about this? God go invest in a gun already and shoot the damn things. I mean seriously, if you are writing to me you must have read this column at least once and you couldn't think of this on your own? On second thought, maybe a knife would be safer, not sure you are smart enough to not blow your own foot off or something.

~SC


Dear SC,

My Girlfriend is obsessed with World of Warcraft and won't stop playing. Shes missed work 3 times this week and to make matters worse she forgot we were supposed to go on a date last night. What should I do?

~ Hopeless Loser.

[Red_Dazes]

Dear SC,

My Girlfriend is obsessed with World of Warcraft and won't stop playing. Shes missed work 3 times this week and to make matters worse she forgot we were supposed to go on a date last night. What should I do?

~ Hopeless Loser.

Dear Hopeless,

Is her best friend cute? Sister? Yes? Go sleep with them. That'll show her.



Dear SC,

I just had a horrible backfire with dying my hair! It was supposed to go platinum in stead it's gone day glow orange! HELP!

~Sunny TOO Bright

[Professional Serf]

Dear Orange,

Buy yourself one of those dollar store do-it-yourself tanning salon in a can products and make up your own instructions. Now that hair looks natural, doesn't it.

Dear SC,

My precious dog Tickles just went to the big doggy door in the sky and I was wondering...should I have his body stuffed or freeze dried? I really want him to look natural.

Tickled to Death

[Kheldarson]

Dear Tickled,

Skin him and then place the fur in front of the fireplace. That is a dog's natural home, of course.



Dear SC,

I'm planning a webcomic, but I'm running out of ideas. What should I do?

Comic Wannabe

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Comic Wannabe:

Skippy the Magical Oral Sex Machine. What Skippy looks like is entirely up to you.

Dear SC:

Due to this bad economy I've been having trouble paying for groceries every week. So a few days ago I killed the family dog, butchered him, and served him to the family in a stroganoff. They all thought it was pretty tasty, but now they're beginning to ask what happened to Fido since they haven't seen him around lately. What do I tell my family?

Recession victim

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Recession victim,

Easy; don't tell them anything. Just kill the lot of them and eat their flesh; it'll be very tasty, you'll save on meat and you won't have a family to feed. Therefore, problem solved.


Dear SC,

My best friend is loads more pretty than I am, so whenever we go out together, all the boys talk to her and not me. I've talked to her about this, but she just laughs; I think she likes the attention. What do I do?

Ugly duckling.

[42_42_42]

Dear SC,

My best friend is loads more pretty than I am, so whenever we go out together, all the boys talk to her and not me. I've talked to her about this, but she just laughs; I think she likes the attention. What do I do?

Ugly duckling.

Dear Ugly duckling,

She's not prettier, she's sluttier. You need to dress sluttier and start putting out. Guys especially like girls who give blow jobs instead of hand shakes.

If that doesn't work, there's always plastic surgery.

Sincerely,
SC





Dear SC,

I am thinking about dropping out of high school to do hard-core bdsme porn. Should I?

Sincerely,
Lolita

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Lolita:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes YESYESYESYESYESYES....

Excuse me. It's hard to type with my erect penis hanging out in the middle of the keyboard.

Dear SC:

I must share my shameful secret with you. For years I couldn't tell the difference between Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw. To this day I am still bothered by this. Do you think I should seek therapy or something?

Don't Get Me Started on Brian Williams

[BookstoreEscapee]

Dear Lolita,

I can't answer that without a sample of your work. I'll need at least 10 videos of at least 20 minutes each to get a real idea of whether this is something you should pursue.




Dear SC,

My kitchen is too small but my landlord won't let me renovate. Something about structural integrity of the building and the neighbors not liking the noise or some bulls---. What should I do?

-cramped chef

[Professional Serf]

Dear Cramped,

Load bearing walls are for sissies...it's a pinko communist "green" conspiracy I tell you! Grab a big ol' sledge hammer and make your dream kitchen a reality...it'll help the economy.

Dear Brian Williams,

Electro shock therapy would work wonders for a case like yours! A couple of electrodes attached on to your genitals is guaran-goddamn-teed to straighten you out...yee haw!

Dear SC,

I met Bruno down at the Hawgs Wallow bar back in ott 03, and it were luv at first site! He smacks me around sum times, and he done broke my jaw last month, but I just noes he's the one fer me. Now my problem is that daddy wont give us his blessin! Now here I am with two kids and a bun in the oven and my jaw wired shut and my daddy wont give the OK. Cant he see we're ment to be? What yall think I otter do?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear :

Wail, I think y'awter elope t' Uncle's Cletus's No Blood Test Required Wedding Chapel And Driveway Sealing.

When Bubba smacks ya 'cross t' face, think of it as "y'all kin kiss t' bride."

Dear SC:

I hate my job, I hate the fact I weigh too much, I have no self esteem, and I drink too much. So I joined a support group. Have you heard of "Al-Qaeda"?

Hey, where did this backpack come from?

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Anon,

Try to stay away from tube stations and high rise blocks. Instead, head for the ugliest building you can find; that way, no-one will mind when it blows up.


Dear SC,

I tried and tried to get my bitch to do anal but she keeps on saying she no wanna do it. How do I get the ho to stop saying no?

Pimp Daddy.

[Chanlin]

Dear Pimp,

Stop asking... nudge nudge... wink wink... aww hell, you're probably too dumb to get the hint. 1 word, RAPE.

~SC

Dear SC,

My boyfriend keeps asking me to do anal, and I don't want to. How do I get him to stop asking?

~ Just Say no to Sodomy

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Just Say No:

Do it already! Jeez, ask a stupid question...

Dear SC:

How do I get people to quit making fun of me? Just because I put all my clothes on backwards, can't do simple arithmetic, and think Fleetwood Mac is a hamburger shaped like a Cadillac doesn't mean I don't have feelings!

Ron, but for some reason everybody calls me Mo.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ron,

Three words; buy a gun. Then everyone will have to respect you.


Dear SC,

I like to dress up in a fursuit at times, but my wife refuses to accept my fetish. She's threatening to tell the world. What can I do to stop her?

Wolfman.