CS's Advice Column From HELL!

[Kheldarson]

Remove the tooth, duh. It's what the dentist is going to do anyway. And video it for YouTube so I can laugh later.


Dear SC,

I've started having to take some OTC medication to keep my body's iron in balance, but it's thrown my bowels off! What can I do to fix it?

Feeling Sick

[Professional Serf]

Dear Feeling Sick,

Today, for the first time in your life, we're going past the pre-packaged junk food aisle in the store, and heading for the produce aisle. Yes, it is scary with all those green leafy things and all the multi colored round things (those are called "fruit" dear). We're looking for kale, spinich, and collard green. Now I want you to make a salad with these three and eat it all up at least four times a week.


Dear SC,

I've got twenty cats...no wait.....WHERE'S SHNOOKUMS!!! Make that nineteen cats, and a seventeen foot long...no wait...eightteen foot long Burmese python, Lola. I lock all the doors, and close all the windows, and somehow my kitties keep escaping! I've lost seven this month alone! What should I do?

No Pussy in Plattsville

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

You, sir, are a genius. I don't have anything to contribute to this thread right now, but this needed to be noted.

Thank you for noticing.

Back on topic:

Dear No Pussy in Plattsville:

Set your house on fire. I suggest oily rags, smoking in bed and leaving the stove on.

Dear SC:

I've got an awful case of jock itch. What do you suggest to cure it?

Pat McGroin

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Pat McGroin,

The most permanent way to cure jock itch is to cut the damn thing off. There, problem solved.


Dear SC,

Those damn kids next door keep on wailing and screaming all the time when I am trying to relax in my garden. How can I get them to put a sock in it?

Grumpy and Annoyed.

[taxguykarl]

Dear Grumpy and Annoyed:

Two (2) words: DUCT TAPE. Don't worry about the kids breathing, chances are, your idiot neighbor has plenty to spare.

Dear SC:

My crackhead ex-girlfriend keeps calling me at work to hit me up for drug money "for old times sake" so she claims. Any advice on getting her to knock it off?

Never touched that stuff

[Chanlin]

Dear grumpy,

You could always try talking to their parents, but as we all know that isn't going to solve anything. I mean seriously who expects their parents will be able to shut them up if they can't do it already. I only suggest the talking so that when you knee cap them later to give them something to really wail and scream about the parents won't be able to say that you at least didn't try to be civil.

~SC

EDIT:: Leaving my original reply and then replying to the person that beat me :: EDIT

Dear Never,

Right... mmm hmm, I'm sure we believe that signature of yours. After all you only dated a crack head, you never tried it yourself. Well as for my advice I will give you a subtle hint and let you put 2 and 2 together. "Spike the punch"

~SC


Dear SC:

I really like this girl at work, but I'm not sure if shes interested in me. What's a good way for me to break the ice with her?

~Hopeless Romantic

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Hopeless Romantic:

The best way to get a female's attention is to act like a moron. Show up at work wearing baggy pants hanging past your butt, and at least two pairs of boxer shorts in various prints (mix plaid with paisley - girls really go for that.)

It also helps if you let your hair grow out past your shoulders and tease it until it looks like it's an untamed rainforest (use plenty of hair spray and gel/hair putty.)

And if you don't have tattoos, wear plenty. And make sure you cologne smells like a dead moose left out in the road for 3 days or better.

Oh, and practice your speech impediment. Girls dig guys who talk like they have a mouth full of food. Sign language is good to know too . . .nothing says "Future Son-In-Law" like a guy holding his pants leg up with one hand while the other one is hiding the stolen gun under his pants.

If that don't break the ice with your dream girl, nothing will.

Dear SC:

I'm 15 and preggers but don knuh who de daddy be. I've only be with 20 or so guys. How dooh I gets them all tested sos I gets my child support?

Been around the block in Detroit

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear been around the block,

My suggestion is to pick the richest one and tell him he's the daddy and that you'll go to the press if he doesn't give you money not to. Seeing as no guy who's shagged you can be very intelligent, I'm sure this approach will work like a charm. After which, rinse lather and repeat; along with your benefits, you'll have plenty of money to buy your smokes, booze and crack with.


Dear SC,

I just murdered my bastard of a cheating husband as well as the bitch he was seeing. How do I dispose of the bodies so that I won't get caught?

Revenge Is Sweet.

[Professional Serf]

Dear Revenge is Sweet,

Dump them off at any theater showing one of sacha baron cohen's movies where gunshot wounds to the head are common and seen as suicide.

Dear SC,

Does size really matter?

Wee Willy Winky

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Wee Willy Winky,

Sorry, but it does. You have two options here; either surgery, or become a master of oral sex and housework. Both will ensure that your girlf doesn't know or care how small you are down below.


Dear SC,

My fourteen year old daughter wishes to go out dressed like a hooker. How can I stop her from doing this? I do not buy her these clothes, she uses the money she gets from babysitting.

Worried mother.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Worried Mother:

What what WHAT?! DO you hear that? That's the sound of cash registers ringing! Why stop your daughter from dressing like a prostitute and miss out on this AMAZING MONEYMAKING OPPORTUNITY! Pimp your daughter out for extra income!

Hey, in this economy, you gotta do what you gotta do to get by!

Dear SC:

What can I do to make my husband quit farting in bed and throwing the covers up over my head?

Out of the frying pan, into the dutch oven

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Out of the frying pan, into the Dutch Oven . . .

Two words: butt plug.

Dear SC:

I'm having problems with my neighbor's not cleaning up their leaves in the fall and they blow into my yard every . . . single . . .year. What can I do to discourage them from letting this happen again this fall?

Leaf Me Alone in New Jersey

[BookstoreEscapee]

Dear Leaf,

Cut down all their trees. No more leaves, and you get free firewood! Bonus!


Dear SC,

I didn't get what I wanted for my birthday. Should I throw a tantrum or just lay on the guilt trip for next year?

Signed,
Birthday girl

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Birthday Girl,

Neither. Just burn the house down a la Debbie in Addams Family Values and persue a career as a Black Widow. That will ensure you always get what you want; or else. Note; avoid strange moustached babies.


Dear SC,

My wife refuses to have another baby, but we only have one and I don't want him growing up a spoiled only child. What to do?

Yours sincerely,

Annoyed Husband

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Birthday Girl:

Why choose? Do both. Throw a tantrum, then send them packing on a guilt trip - one way. That way, all that drama can be avoided next year.

Dear SC-

What's the best way to stop my neighbor's dogs from running loose through the street?

Doggone Mad in Boston