My whiny friend snapped.

[Plaidman]

Overwhelming amount says dump him period. No-one says give a chance (Without much trying).

So, any one have tips on how to emontionally do that? I know it be tough for me. He was a big part of my life for past ten years.

But yeah. I don't even know how to broach the subject of it to him that its done.

[Der Cute]

Bud, there isn't a GOOD way to ditch someone.

What I might do:
Take him out for coffee.
Stay in sight of people.
Have phone ready in case he goes wonky again.
Sit him down and say, "You really hurt me the other day. Not just my feelings, man, but my body too. You commited assault, and I'm tired of your behavior."

He'll probably start "omg wtf bbq i'm innocent you provoked me"
You need to "I'm done. Even if you apologize, which I deserve btw, I'm still done. I don't need this treatment in my life."

He'll go "yobber whine whwaaaaa yobber bleh bleh"

You stand up, tell him you had good times and you will miss his friendship...and get up and walk out.

This is the hard part, you need to have a titanium spine and steel plated brass cajones. You also cut off facebook/phone contact with him.

This is called the cut direct. You're telling him he's dead to you. It's hard, I did it with my mother. But I had the choice: go hang out w/ mom and feel miserable, or tell her to stfu and gtfo, where I might not be so miserable. I picked #2.

It's up to you. It's hard, and it's permanent. I dont think you can trust him, even if he did come crawling back on knees and begged forgiveness with lots of chocolate and beer and money and so on and so forth.

Hugs man, and I'm glad you're not neglecting your studies either. Keep up the good work!

Cutenoob

[Mike Taylor]

I'll chime in with this from the RPG angle. "No gaming is better than bad gaming."

This counts as "bad gaming".

[Green_Fairy]

i'm agreeing with cutenoob if that's the road you want to take. if.
i'm gonna retract what i said earlier. it might be worth another go, but only if he's willing to be less of a prat. so sit him down some place public (less likely to give you another smack) and tell him exactly how his actions in the past years have made you felt. tell him why he's important to you. tell him that maybe, just maybe, if he's willing to clean up his act, you'll give him another shot.
but only one.
if he doesn't stop pulling the "i'm better than you" and the "oh why is my life crap when i'm not doing anything about it," cut it off.
i know talking to people about stuff in depth is tough for you, but it is necessary, especially in this situation. i believe people can change if they really want it bad enough. maybe he feels bad for what happened.
so...my vote is give him another chance.
but only one.
don't forget that part. just one chance.

[Fryk]

I'm not really buying the "I was chasing you to get you to hit ME!!!!" argument. If so, then why was he smirking? Also, when you were telling us the good things he does, you didn't mention anything to do with you. No, not judging you for your secrets or making fun of you does NOT count, in my book. That's what you're supposed to do as a human, anyway.

On the other hand, I'm not all for cutting off contact, either, mostly because it seems like he's wherever your other friends would be, too, and to avoid him, you'd have to avoid your other friends. I'm not sure what I'd do at this point.

[Taboo]

As someone whose ex pulled some shit remarkably similar to this...

Here's the thing. If he has mental health issues and they're contributing, then okay, that's sad, but that's still not validation to be abusive towards other people. I know there are a lot of us on these boards who have mentioned some sort of anxiety or depression or other mental health issues, but you haven't heard any of us doing this sort of thing. My biggest concern is that right now, ie after he's calmed down, he's not apologizing. Why? Because it means he thinks that his behavior was acceptable and normal which it obviously was not. Look, if you explain why you're upset and he genuinely apologizes - and not just a "sorry you're magically upset at me for no good reason" bullshit lie - then maybe there's something salvageable there. But if he can't grasp that what he did to you was wrong, then at the very least you should not be alone with him and I would recommend that you cut him out of your life as much as possible. I know he overlaps with your gaming group friends, but having to worry about your safety is not worth it. Try going and leaving early and let your friends know that he should not be leaving early as well and following you out. Yes, it'll suck, but it should be doable.

Maybe he's genuinely doing this because of mental health issues. If so, that's sad -- but it doesn't require you to sit around and just let him. Frankly, cutting off ties might be what he needs to realize that this stuff does not fly and that he needs to work out his stuff better. It's not abandoning him, because as I said, I think that if he seems to admit and understand what he did then give him another shot even if that's a year or two down the road. It's just keeping yourself from being harmed more seriously.

I'd offer to hang out with you if you lived closer. You seem like good people. You really shouldn't have to deal with this sort of thing from people who call themselves friends.

[AnaKhouri]

I agree with Taboo. This guy has serious problems. If you want to continue hanging out with him, there have to some ground rules you lay out very clearly. He has to apologize for his behavior, and nothing like that can ever happen again. If it does, you will cut him off completely. It might help if you can talk it over with your other friends and work out a plan; like if he pulls that shit again you all drop him.

[Magpie]

A My biggest concern is that right now, ie after he's calmed down, he's not apologizing. Why? Because it means he thinks that his behavior was acceptable and normal which it obviously was not. Look, if you explain why you're upset and he genuinely apologizes - and not just a "sorry you're magically upset at me for no good reason" bullshit lie - then maybe there's something salvageable there.

QFT. For a friend who was taking meds to deal with issues like this I would give a lot of leeway. However, apologising is necessary. Failing to do so means that either a) he can't tell that he did something inappropriate - and you gave more than enough cues for him to figure that out, even if you he somehow would have thought his behaviour appropriate otherwise.

I am currently trying to stop emotionally abusive behaviour. When I notice that I'm not letting DH have emotions, I try to stop. I may not apologize well at the time, but I do so later! It's not that hard to do. You can't change unless you want to do so. And no, I still haven't learned to recognize certain behaviours as the problem ones yet. I've, instead, learned to recognize that DH is telling the truth when he says I'm being a problem. If you know that you have issues (which is essential for fixing them) you won't just ridicule people who point out that you're acting those issues out again.

As for how to drop the friendship. Yes, it's good to talk to him about it. However, if it makes you too uncomfortable, don't feel obligated to broach the subject. You don't need to do it in person. Yes, doing this in person would be nice, but so is not getting hit in the back of the head. If you want to broach the subject you can do so by phone or by a letter (letter gives you more time to think about what you want to say, and makes it harder for him to try to give you a guilt trip about you trying to protect yourself). Otherwise, you can just wait until he calls you to arrange something, tell him you're not interested, and why.

[georgie]

friends dont treat you like rubbish then get upset because they've had a hard life.

john deliberately assaulted you then chased you and then had the nerve to blame you !!!!

im another who has trouble making friends but i can tell you that john would be cast aside without a second thought. i would never speak to someone again who actually had the nerve to hit me.


i dont think it would matter (to me) how big the "pro" list is if on the "con" list it had (1) make fun of my mum and (2) assault me

[TheRedHeadOFDoom]

I have dealt with John for years, through Plaidman, and because of Plaidman. Saying John has mental issues far, far understates the truth.

Mind you, I have more issue than I would care to publicly admit. However, what ever issue I may have,doesn't excuse my behavior if it harms another person. On one occassion John even threatened to drive over 25 miles at 3AM to assault me because he misread a text message.

When he dated one of my best friends, and she dumped him for being controling in a whiny, 'pity me', kind of way, he began all but stalking her. To the point where she had to threaten to involve the athorities if he didn't just stop.

In my opinion this is just good riddence to bad rubbish. There are few instances where striking someone is even a civilized answer to a situation. This was not one of them. Furthermore in my own opinion I believe he should be castrated so that he cannot contaminate the gene pool.

[RootedPhoenix]

Plaidman, *offers hugs and chocolate*
Whatever you choose to do, it's awful that this happened at all. Be careful. People care about you a great deal, no matter how you see yourself. You are valuable, Plaid, 'cause you just are.

[telecom_goddess]

Well my first instinct is to say dump him. BUT if you do care about him enough to give him one more chance I will echo what others have said and lay down some ground rules and state very clearly and firmly that if he EVER pulls this shit again that will be IT!!! No exceptions. Tell him he needs to grow up and fly right or else.

And yeah you're cared for here a lot so just stand up and feel the love

[tollbaby]

That is not friendship. That is dependent abusive bull**** that is passing for friendship. You deserve better. You are not desperate for friends. You have friends and you have people who care about you. This guy isn't one of them. This guy? He's scary as hell. He assaulted you out of NOWHERE and for NO justifiable reason. I mean, this was over an argument about a game? And he came at you from behind and started whaling on you? no way.

Friends don't sneak up and beat on each other. Friends don't chase each other and make each other fear for their lives or need to call the police. That's not friendship, my friend. That's some seriously effed up shit and you need to get yourself away from this guy.

And if he ever physically touches you again? Damn straight that you WILL be filing charges. You are worth SO much more than this.

[PepperElf]

*more hugs!*


you know back on my second ship i had to attend a long mandatory class that covered everything from doing a retirement fund, how to treat coworkers, anger management, and the "cycle of abuse".


The cycle of abuse is something to really look at. there's a couple of different versions but here's a good one cycle of abuse


i could be wrong but it sounds like a lot of what you said fits this..

1) Tension building: abuser starts getting angry, minor incidents of abuse, victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm, feels like you're walking on eggshells.

2) abuse: physical, phycological, sexual

3) reconciliation: abuser apologizes, promises it won't happen again, blames the victim for provoking the abuse, denies it happened - or pretends it wasn't that bad as the victim says it was

4) Calm: abuser acts like it never happened, no abuse, might honor some of the promises, victim feels like maybe it's finally over....

... and then back into 1.



but it's not always easy to see it when you're inside the cycle.

i once had a friend i really cared about. he wouldn't abuse me himself - he'd just make sure i couldn't hang out with him unless his friends where there, and his friends did it for him.

i thought it was ok cos... i could remember the times when he really was nice to me.


until the day one of his friends physically hurt me and i called the cops.



i was the "bad guy" of course. I forced him to pick sides. So it was all my fault


It took a long time to heal. Especially since we all worked on the same ship. A good number of people turned against me - friends of his who either felt that I "deserved it" for being "annoying" or those who jsut took his side because they were his friends... (and one of the unspoken rules of his clique is that he's in control).

But I still healed. I ended up having new friends. Some of his friends even started being nice to me again. and i won't say that the ship turned against him but... i think a lot of people outside of his clique lost respect for him.



i guess my point is... you don't need friends who make you feel that way
even if you feel desperate for a friend, there ARE people who will treat you better than that
and that you DESERVE better. Never think that you don't.