I may get arrested for murder.

[Jester]

But only because I may actually commit it.

As many of you know, I have three teenage nieces, and I love them all to death, even when they are horrible people. In the past, I've spoken often about how the eldest, Princess, is probably the most mature and best behaved and least trouble.

Throw that shit out the window with the rest of the trash.

Princess, who is 19, and thus an adult (as she never tires of telling me) has a new boyfriend. They are now official. They've been dating only a few weeks. As far as I know she's known him a month or less. And now, just as they became official, she is moving in with him.

And that is not the punchline. This is:

He's 42.

I remember when she was 17 and dating a 21 year old Marine, and how I freaked. How I yearn for those days.

Now, I know for a fact that there are May-December romances that work. They are rare, but they exist. And in pretty much every one of those that I've seen, it takes an extraordinary maturity on the part of the younger party. While Princess has some traits that are beyond her years, she has many that are way under. When averaged out, she really is a typical 19 year old, for both good and ill. Hell, there are times when I just can't stand to hear her talk, because it is so much teenage bullshit. AND she considers anyone her roommate's age (28) or older to be "old." Naturally I am a fossil to her. And I'm 2 years younger than this dude.

Her roommate is one of my best friends, Little Red. And Red things this guy is pretty much a douchebag. My first impression of him was pretty much the same. Red and I were watching tv in their apartment, when Princess and Ole Douche came in for a few minutes. Now, there is virtually no way he didn't know who I was, because I guarantee you she said something to the effect of, "I have to warn you, my psycho uncle is hanging out with my roommate." Even if for some reason he didn't, when you walk into someone's house and there is someone you don't know, don't you normally introduce yourself? "Hi, I'm Ole Douche, pleasure to meet you." Yeah, people with manners do that. But Ole Douche said not. one. word. to either Red or myself. No, Princess didn't introduce us either, but I kinda know why....she didn't want me embarrassing her. Fine, she has no manners either, but I understand her motivation. But as the only representative of her family here in the Keys, don't you think that Ole Douche might want to make a good impression on me?

Now, herein lies another part of the problem. In almost every case in the past, any boyfriend Princess had I was able to at least partially intimidate, despite them often being larger than me. I'm good like that. This guy is not someone that will be intimidated by me. He's not just larger than me, he's a lot larger than me. You've heard the expression "built like a brick shit house"? Ole Douche is NOT built like a brick shit house. Brick shit houses are built lie him! And he's a bouncer. Wait, no, not just a bouncer. He's the head bouncer at one of the larger bars down here. So my usual psychological warfare is not going to make him shake in his boots. One of my customers today suggested that I employ a gun for intimidation. There are two problems with that. One, I don't own a guy. Two, I have no doubt that he has the training and ability and psychological makeup to take the gun from me and beat me silly with it.

That being said, I told Princess tonight that we need to have a talk. She said "maybe." I told her, look, you may not agree with what I say, but we NEED to have a talk. This is NOT a request.

What is also going to happen is I am going to sit Ole Douche down and have a chat with him. I will be polite by asking Princess to set this up. I have no doubt that she will either refuse or say she will have to be there. Um, no. This is going to be a private chat. And if she refuses? Well, I know where the fucker works. I'll go to the source. Because he and I ARE going to have a chat. And I will ask him, because I am subtle and diplomatic, "What the fuck are you doing dating a 19 year old?" Look, I understand a 42 year old guy wanting to fuck a 191 year old girl. I get that completely. And I wish this guy was just chasing some tail. But to have her move in? That's a relationship, and that I just don't get, because she really is a typical teenager in so many ways.

And one thing I am going to tell him is that, despite the fact that he's much larger than me and could undoubtedly beat me to a pulp, if he strikes her or lays a hand on her violently, I WILL break bones he didn't know he had, and then I will kill him. You. Don't. Hurt. Jester's. Nieces. And. Live.

God, I am so pissed. I am ANGRY. I am going to run a background check on this asshole, and I am so pissed, that I'm willing to pay the $29.95 or whatever fee those sites have to do so. I want him thoroughly vetted. If anyone knows of a good site to use, please let me know. Also, if anyone knows a good hit man, I might need his services. Yes, I'm joking about that last part. I already told you folks, I would kill him myself.

Okay, I'm gonna go find something to hit violently now. Meh.

[Seshat]

I soooo hope this is actually a decent May/December romance.

I so fear that the most likely situation is a sleazy older guy taking advantage of a teenager (and of his size and skills).

If he lays one violent hand on her, I would be honoured to hold your coat while you immobilise him for the police. However, I will pull you off him before you do more than that level of damage - your niece will need you alive, coherent, and OUTSIDE the penal system.

Remember that. When all of this goes wahoonie-shaped, she's going to need Uncle Jester outside jail, okay, and in wise-Uncle-Jester mode. Angry-Uncle-Jester may need to be put on hold for a time.

And THAT is when Mr-probably-sleazy is going to really start pissing his pants when he sees you. Because the subconscious body signals you'll give him will be telling him exactly what you're restraining. And he's skilled enough to read that.

[Mishi]

Work on a creepy smile. You know, a 'Dexter'-like one. It can work miracles, but you have to look like you mean it and I'm not sure how well it would work on an experienced bouncer.
I used it on a family friend's abusive (ex)boyfriend while I was 'talking' to him. I guess it helped that I was chopping carrots at the time and my knife was slicing through them as though they were butter. I'm a short, lightly built female and it's been a few years since I told him how he should be treating her. Yet, when I see him while shopping, he attempts to turn invisible.

[iradney]

Would you still have an issue if they'd been a couple for a year, instead of a few weeks, and were then thinking of moving in?
I have to say, red lights are flashing for me. What is wrong with the guy that he
a) cannot find someone closer to his own age with similar interests
b) feels the need to MOVE IN RIGHT NOW ZOMG with someone that he barely knows
c) doesn't even have the common courtesy to introduce himself to a very important family member???

And no offense to your niece, Jester, but I need to ask the same questions of her....

[Greenday]

First thing that popped in my head when you said she was dating the head bouncer of a bar: she's with him to get into a bar.

Moving in so early seems pretty excessive though.

[Jester]

If he lays one violent hand on her, I would be honoured to hold your coat while you immobilise him for the police.

I should really point out that the people I know who know him have said overall he is a pretty good guy, and at this point there has been no indication that he would be in any way physically abusive towards her.

However, I will pull you off him before you do more than that level of damage

Which is why I would never bring you along to such a situation.

And THAT is when Mr-probably-sleazy is going to really start pissing his pants when he sees you. Because the subconscious body signals you'll give him will be telling him exactly what you're restraining. And he's skilled enough to read that.

Trust me, nothing I do will make this guy his piss pants. I know what I can do and what I can do, and I can intimidate and scare the hell out of some people who are much larger than me. He's not one of them. It's just not the case. I am not going to fool myself into believing otherwise.

Work on a creepy smile. You know, a 'Dexter'-like one. It can work miracles, but you have to look like you mean it and I'm not sure how well it would work on an experienced bouncer.

See my comments above. That aside, I already have such a smile. It comes naturally to me.

Would you still have an issue if they'd been a couple for a year, instead of a few weeks, and were then thinking of moving in?

If they had been a couple for a year, I would know more about him, and if he was a good guy, I would not have as much an issue, though I would still question it. In other words, probably not.

I have to say, red lights are flashing for me. What is wrong with the guy that he
a) cannot find someone closer to his own age with similar interests
b) feels the need to MOVE IN RIGHT NOW ZOMG with someone that he barely knows
c) doesn't even have the common courtesy to introduce himself to a very important family member???

Excellent questions.

And no offense to your niece, Jester, but I need to ask the same questions of her....

Her motivations seem easier to understand for her mother and me.

She is 19. She has never lived with someone before. When she gets involved with someone, she tends to go all in. She obviously has stars in her eyes, and we wonder if the fact that he is the same age as her father who died last year, who she worshipped, has something to do with this. Daddy complex? Yeah, possibly. Her mom brought up an interesting point, wondering if Princess realized that her father would not approve at all of this. I pointed out that not only would he not approve, he would come down here with guns blazing. And I am not speaking metaphorically....I have no doubt that he would have come here with his guns in this situation. I liked her dad. We got along well. And saw eye to eye on a lot of things. I think Princess must be blinding herself to what her father would say here.

But she's 19. She's a teenager, and stupid in ways only teenagers can be. "I'm an adult now," she constantly reminds us. So, yeah, I can understand where her head is. In the clouds of being an "adult" in an "adult" romance. His head? Seems to be up his ass to me.

First thing that popped in my head when you said she was dating the head bouncer of a bar: she's with him to get into a bar.

To his credit, this is not the case. He has made it very clear to her that she still cannot drink in his bar, period, end of story. He may be an ass, but he's no idiot. And I do give him credit for ethics on this one point.

[fireheart]

We can always remember your sig Jester.

However, in this case I'd agree with the others-red flags are flashing BIG time.

The best you can do however, is support HER. Not the relationship. Just her on her own.
If/when she realises that he's a creep, she's going to need support.

[Treasure]

As the young woman who dated a much older man I hope I can shed some light on the situation - granted there was only a 14 yr age difference not 23, but maybe I can still help.

First, I wouldn't discount the "Daddy fill-in" theory - based solely on what you wrote about you and her mom's thoughts on it - seems likely.

Maybe they connect - she feels like she can talk to him w/o being judged; granted this probably indicates a lack of maturity on his part (if that's the case the relationship most likely won't last much more than a year or two - she'll start growing up, and realize that he NEVER has and she'll be done )

As far as the "I'm an adult!" what she's not saying is "and i can do whatever i want" because she has realized that vocalizing that proves that she is still a kid - she's at that age where she can legally do somethings, and as an adult her mom can't stop her, but even she knows that its dumb but "old enough to know better, young enough not to care" is really her mantra right now.

I agree, kuddos to Ole Douche for saying "No, you can't come to my bar, then i would lose my job, and not be able to take care of you"

It started off "just chasing tail" for one of them - getting an older man is kind of a status symbol - says that the girl is "hot" enough that men who should know better want her, and want to take care of her - its no different, nor any better/worse than him having "some young thang" on his arm "I still got it, enough that this pretty, young, and nubile innocent angel wants me"

another thing, that as an uncle you might not want to hear, but its true: sexually they are at opposite ends of the spectrum; she is still on the uphill side, while he has already gone "over the hill" and is leveling out into nothingness - she is still discovering her sexuality and her likes dislikes kinks etc, he however already knows all this about himself; also she is going to be active and interested while he is less so, this will cause conflict - and they will start fighting

Also, she's young, and will want to go out with her girlfriends, they are in your corner even if they don't realize it - they also think he's old and creepy, and was a good idea for a one time thing but to live together - eww! The more she finds herself either making excuses to not go out, not invite him (b/c he makes her girls uncomfortable) or asking permission to go out the less "Fun" the relationship will be.


I hope this helps, just be patient and hope for the best (that she comes to her senses and breaks up with his old douche-baggery @$$ with the quickness) but give her time and space, she has to make that decision for herself.

And also I agree - Talk to Ole Douche - find out what his intentions are - he's old enough to be her dad.... really dude?

[tollbaby]

I can entirely sympathize. A few of my nieces have been less than intelligent in their choices of men in the past (fortunately, two of the five are now happily married to very nice guys of whom Auntie Lynne approves wholeheartedly and have begun producing adorable offspring).

42 and dating a 19 year old? erm... mid-life crisis perhaps? He's a bit young for the urge to hit, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. It's honestly a bit creepy - perhaps he's so immature, women his own age won't touch him.

Definitely a situation to keep an eye on. Cause you know who she's going to come crying to when she gets hurt, right? Uncle Jester

(side note, when I was 18, I dated a guy who was 32, with the maturity level of a 14 year old. It did not end well, and I ended up homeless for a few months as he stole every cent I had when he took off. I'm now 34 and dating a 46 year old, and the age gap is a lot less obvious when BOTH parties are adults - real ones, not "I'm legally a grownup!")

[poofy_puff]

Jester,

This looks like a classic case of "she'll do what she wants no matter what people say, so the less said the better". But I understand that you have to do what you think is right.

And - i don't see where you say how they met each other. If they met doing some common activity that they both enjoy, then there is a chance they are somewhat compatible.

I should also add that when I was 21, I dated a guy who is 19 years older than I am. We met an an open mic/poetry thingy and went together for a year and a half. He dropped me when I went back to college full-time and he met someone closer to his own age. They are no longer together but Jason and I are still good friends (I'm turning 40 at the end of this year so I am now the exact age he was when we met). I had a lot of people say to me "Are you SURE you're not looking for a FATHER figure?" which could not be further from the case because he was nothing at all like my father. This is the most sane and least drama-filled relationship I ever had next to the one I have with my husband. I realize that this is probably the exception, not the rule, in cases like this.

[Gravekeeper]

Oi. That is farked up, honestly.

Way way back in the days of old a good friend of mine did this. She was 18, he was 40. There was no real explanation for it. The guy was also kind of a douche bag. None of us could figure out why the hell in any capacity and the guy was smart enough to not come anywhere around that we might encounter him.

Eventually she broke up with him because another guy her age who she actually liked asked her out. At which point she later admitted she was only in the first relationship to get a rise out of the authority figures in her life. Specifically, in this case she wanted to freak her mom out ( and her dad to a lesser degree ) and piss her off, and sleeping with a 40 year old worked perfectly. Oh, and rub it in her mom's face that she was an "adult" now and no longer had to do what mom or dad said.

Not saying thats the case here, but in my experience, that was ultimately the explanation behind it all. She kept it up for over a year too before breaking up with the guy.

I don't really bat much of an eyelash at age gapes normally, but 19/42 raises the question: "What the fuck is the 42 year old thinking?!".

19 is only old enough to think you're old enough.

[tropicsgoddess]

That's really fast for somebody to move in with their bf/gf, Jester. try www.pipl.com and search this dude for facebook, myspace or any other social networking profiles to get more of a feel of what he's like and his M.O. I agree with the background check too. From what you're telling us, this guy your niece is with seems like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[poofy_puff]

Yea, I forgot to mention that in my post. To be moving in that fast with a new partner of ANY age is not a good idea.

I never lived with the guy who is 19 years older, although he did give me a spare key to his apartment a few weeks into the relationship.

[Exaspera]

If none of the above advice works, be with her for support when it ends and don't say "I told you so."

19 year-olds know everything, until something real happens.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Wow, I gotta say Jester your nieces are lucky they have you. Wish I had family like that.

I agree with talking with him, someday she will realize that you were doing it cause you love her and want to make sure she is safe. Not just the teen thinking of "OMG why is everyone bothering me I'm an adult I know whats best gezz."

If you want I can help, wanna see a 5'5" girl stare down a BIG guy. I've done it, it's fun. I learned things from working with cowboys.