I may get arrested for murder.

[42_42_42]

Jester, you are a good guy and a great uncle, so I know you want to do any and everything to protect your niece. However, sometimes, you have to let those you love make their own mistakes. No matter how big of a douchebag this guy might be, the best thing really is to maintain a good relationship with your niece. That way, if/when things go south, she'll know she can and feel comfortable coming to you for help.

Our family has been dealing with a somewhat similar situation for several years now. My sister (she's 29) has been dating a total asshat and has even had 2 children with him. They have lived together off and on, broken up and gotten back together. As hard as it is on the rest of us, we have learned that the way we can best be there for my sister and her children, is to maintain a good relationship with her. If we hadn't, when sis finally decided she could not live with this guy (but they're still "together") we have no idea what might have happened to her and the kids. As it is, she and the children now live with my parents.

It sounds to me like your niece's boyfriend is pretty immature, despite his age. So it could be that they are a good match. Or she might work through her daddy issues and move on in a few months/years. Whatever happens, it will be much better for her if you are still a part of her life. So, as difficult as it is, do what you need to do to remain on good terms with your niece so you can be there to help pick up the pieces should everything fall apart.

[Jester]

And - i don't see where you say how they met each other.

I didn't, because I'm not all that sure myself. It might have been through her job as a "rose girl," one of those girls that go from bar to bar selling roses for romantic couples and horny guys trying to put the moves on chicks, etc. His bar is one of the bars they ply their flower-selling trade at.

In any case, this is my plan at the moment: tonight when I am done with work, Princess and I are getting together for some drinks and a chat, not just about this, but about a few things we need to discuss. I am going to be very upfront and frank with her. Yes, she is an adult. Yes, she can do what she wants. And since she is an adult, I am going to talk to her like an adult, and lay out the concerns we (me, her mom, Red, probably her grandparents, etc.) all have about this. Not just about the age difference, but about moving in so quickly. Because whatever the age of this guy, it is very quick and very sudden, and just seems way off. I know it probably doesn't to her, but this guy should know better, one would think.

And during this talk with her, I am going to politely ask her to set it up so I can have a chat with HIM. She will probably resist, or say that she has to be there. Which is not going to happen. I want a one on one with him, and I will be asking her out of courtesy. If she refuses to set it up, well, I know where he works and can contact him on my own. I too am an adult and will do what I think is best for those I love, even if it's not what they want me to do. And I'll be damned if this guy and I are not going to have a talk. Her father can't do it, being dead and all, and her mother is a thousand miles away.

I will support her, of course. I don't know what stand I am going to take on this whole thing, and I won't know until I've talked to them both. Based on my first impressions of this guy, though, I am not overly thrilled. And if she wants help moving her stuff to his place....well, on that note I will not be supportive, unless these chats go much differently than I expect. I helped her move down here from her father's place in North Florida this last December, and it was at much expense and inconvenience to me. Because I thought Key West was a better place for her to be (socially, academically, economically, etc.) than Hicksville U.S.A. But since I think this move will be putting her in a worse place than where she is now, I will not help her do it. Fuck no. Not, mind you, that anyone's asked me for that help.

Much is still in flux, and much is yet to be determined, and I am still trying to settle my own damn roommate situation, but I will continue to keep y'all updated on all of it. Thank you for your support and your feedback.

And Squeak, while I appreciate the offer, I hardly need any help in learning how to stare someone down. I do that very well. It's just that at his size and in his position, nothing I do will phase him or intimidate him. So I'm not gonna bother trying.

[Primer]

Jester, you mention that her father is (quotes mine) "no longer in the picture." Might I ask how old she was when this happened? My own father was literally never there. He was always out of state, working, and we never got along, anyway. However, I see your niece pulling some of the same stunts I did. I found out a few years ago, that this is a VERY predictable pattern among young females without a father-figure actually present. As many other people have stated, the best thing you can do for her is to be there for her. Yes, do have the talk with each of them, and let each of them know that you consider her to be your daughter, and that you still lover her, regardless.

BTW, I know a guy in Florida that can get a cannon down to the Keys on short notice, should you need it.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Oh I know you could do it on your own, I was offering cause you offered me a fire wallet. Anyone who trusts me with fire I will help.

[Magpie]

And Squeak, while I appreciate the offer, I hardly need any help in learning how to stare someone down. I do that very well. It's just that at his size and in his position, nothing I do will phase him or intimidate him. So I'm not gonna bother trying.

A lot of men can't intimidate as effectively as women. If you tend to go with physical cues, and he's built like you say, then your methods won't work. Small women (and women in general, because we aren't considered the same kind of threat) are used to being intimidating when size doesn't work.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Jester, you mention that her father is (quotes mine) "no longer in the picture." Might I ask how old she was when this happened?

Since Jester is currently off-line:

as her father who died last year

[Jester]

Jester, you mention that her father is (quotes mine) "no longer in the picture." Might I ask how old she was when this happened?

As has been noted, he died last summer in a freak accident. She had just moved up to northern Florida to live with him and his girlfriend for a time when it happened, and she was the one that found him. At the end of her school semester, I helped her move back here. Before he died, she worshipped him, though he and her mother were divorced and living at opposite ends of the state. She would often visit him up there, so he was definitely not an absentee or deadbeat father. Good guy. I liked him.

BTW, I know a guy in Florida that can get a cannon down to the Keys on short notice, should you need it.

I appreciate it, but I have friends down here who have access to cannons that are already here....among other things.

Oh I know you could do it on your own, I was offering cause you offered me a fire wallet. Anyone who trusts me with fire I will help.

Who said I actually trusted you with fire? I merely offered to sell you a fire wallet. What you do with it once it's yours is your business....and since I figured most of your usage of it would be nowhere near KW, I wasn't worried.

A lot of men can't intimidate as effectively as women. If you tend to go with physical cues, and he's built like you say, then your methods won't work. Small women (and women in general, because we aren't considered the same kind of threat) are used to being intimidating when size doesn't work.

Well then nothing that a woman could teach me about this would be very effective, as I am still going to be a man. No, I will not get a sex change just to change my ability to intimidate, thank you very much!

[ApolloSZ]

Who said I actually trusted you with fire? I merely offered to sell you a fire wallet. What you do with it once it's yours is your business....and since I figured most of your usage of it would be nowhere near KW, I wasn't worried.

Well then nothing that a woman could teach me about this would be very effective, as I am still going to be a man. No, I will not get a sex change just to change my ability to intimidate, thank you very much!

1 - yeah I'm not trusted with fire or sharp objects either....
2 - Jester you spoilt sport :P

I just wanted to say I reckon your going about it the right way Jester. I have a friend who ended up going through a similar experience. Something she did, her whole family was against. They almost made her a total outcast, and drove her to almost suicide. She specifically told me that me being there for her in the fall out simply supporting her and helping her back on her feet stopped her from taking her life.

(My point is the being there for her bit - since I dunno how her Mum etc are reacting, I'm not trying to say they are like that)

Also earnt me the nickname 'teddy'... dammit.... ruins my image being called that

[Jester]

Her mom is concerned and is playing nice, befriending Old Douche on facebook, etc. She knows that alienating Princess at this time would serve no purpose. Normally in such a situation I would then play the heavy, but again, I don't see that working here. So her mom and I are basically working as a team to do what we can, find out what we can, and ultimately make sure that the end result is the best possible situation for Princess.

[iradney]

You might also want to remember the whole rebellious thing that most young adults go through. The more people tell her she CANNOT date this guy, the more she's going to hang all over him...just food for thought. Remember, I was once a 19 year old girl...

[Jester]

I am well aware of the period of life she is in. Which is why when I sit her down tomorrow night, I am going to start out by saying I know she is an adult and that she can do what she wants. (Legally, that is. I don't think she is quite an adult emotionally, but saying this will not help the situation at all.) And I am going to tell her that as an adult, I will speak to her as an adult, including possibly things she may not like. I will explain our concern, which we would have if this guy were 23, let alone 42. And I am going to not talk down to her, not issue ultimatums, not tell her what to do at all. And I will request that she set up a meeting with me and him. And I will respond to her as a calm rational adult, even if she decides to go pouty teenager tantrum on me.

The only thing I have ever told her she Cannot Do since she turned 18 is lie to me. I will NOT stand for that, and that is not an adult-child thing....I don't tolerate that from my friends, either, no matter how old they are.

[Squeaksmyalias]

Aw does that mean I'm still not trusted with matches?

[Zellie Crescent]

I would NOT let her move in with him, Ole Duche has got to go. Too many red flags waving, red lights flashing, and alarms blaring. I really hope Princess wakes up and realizes this relationship is a serious mistake.

[Magpie]

No, I will not get a sex change just to change my ability to intimidate, thank you very much!

I was going to call you a wuss, then I remembered that it's something you need to grow into . Actually what I was implying is that Squeak might have more luck than you did. However, I don't really care for that sort of thing as a means of solving problems. Yes, I will allow Jackdaw to take care of issues for me (like escorting the guy who discovered that we hadn't locked our door out), but he is much less aggressive than I am. If you think being 195/92 is a threat, that's because you're thinking in terms of violence. Not my problem, it's yours.

Aw does that mean I'm still not trusted with matches?

Of course you're trusted. I trust that you know how to play with matches properly. If you don't, come visit me and I'll teach you all the tricks I learned from my mom.

[Jester]

I would NOT let her move in with him, Ole Duche has got to go. Too many red flags waving, red lights flashing, and alarms blaring. I really hope Princess wakes up and realizes this relationship is a serious mistake.

I hope she does too, but what am I going to do? "Princess, I forbid you from doing this!" Yeah, that's going to work. Not only in her mind, but in the eyes of the law, she is a fully legal adult, and as such she can make such decisions for herself, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Nothing, that is, besides sitting her down as an adult, talking to her like an adult, and let her know calmly and rationally that her mother and I care a great deal about her, and that we have some serious concerns and reservations about this whole thing, and explain why. And ask questions about Old Douche.

Which is precisely what I did tonight.

Hopefully in a few days, I will be having a similar sit down with him. I asked her to arrange precisely that, and she said she will. I will wait a few days for it, but I will not wait a few weeks....if she drags her heels, I can contact him myself.

To her credit, she answered all my questions.

To my credit (in her eyes), I wasn't all judgmental and ranting and such. I care about her a great deal, and I let her know this. She and my other two teenage nieces are the closest things I have to daughters, and I let her know this yet again. As I will inform OD of this.

I think I made my points. I know I surprised her. And I know if I had "not let her move in with him," she would have told me to piss off and gotten up and left.

I think tonight was a success. And yet I still feel like something is horribly, horribly wrong.