Dating/Girl Horror Stories....

[Imogene]

Grind his bones to make my pestoBread (points for obscure childhood reference)

Jack and the bean stalk, or why the green giant can't get it on any more...

My mouth has gotten me out of fights that my fists could not have.

You're actually Spider Man, aren't you?

And, er, the big problem with 'my type'? I tend to have to... and this is going to sound horrible, but... I need to know if what they have in their pants matches their mental gender. If same same? No go. If one of these things just doesn't belong here? Fun times for all.

The best date I ever had started out as a regular customer at the Chesterfield realizing from a random snippet of conversation that I was decidedly not straight, and she thought that was awesome, we exchanged emails, and started talking, then flirting, as she and I both worked in the Chesterfield, and she was using her then boyfriend to get hentai. I found that hilarious, personally, and she is intelligent, and fun, and I later found out, genders herself male, and has invisible friends. My kind of crazy!
We dated for a few years, mostly out to movies, or dinner at the Bob Evans, and we'd have random fun 'molestering' each other... grabbing each other's chests, or butts, or whatever.
Then, sadly, I moved away. We still talk online every so often, and I still hold out hope that we'll end up in the same state again someday... but, I have no idea when.

[Whiskey]

Oh dear lord why did I ever join back up on a dating site. Dipping my toe in the water, and I get this

hi babe my name is john.can me you go on date so we can get know each other better.we can go to dinnner or movie.email me back baby

One, I'm really big on literacy. Call me a bitch if you will, but this dude is 25.

i am hasome cute funny i am hard working man .only thing i want in life is good woman to be with .but latey i have been dump for no reason some woman think i am scare which i am not or have some stuip lame crap saying she dose have the time.but if woman out there that care ready to slettle down be with man not give me run around .sorry to say whats on my mine.

First impressions, people. Also, don't call women you dont know "babe" and "baby" its.. weird and creepy.


also, if you do the online thing, don't make a statement and thats it because generally, thats what you get back

him: you seem really cool!
me: Thanks!

boom, end of conversation.

[telecom_goddess]

wow...the sheer ignorance amazes me. Both of them can't type/spell/use grammar/use punctuation for shit and they expect to make a good impression? That right there is a turn off for me. Don't they teach this stuff in school anymore?

[Whiskey]

That right there is a turn off for me. Don't they teach this stuff in school anymore?

Pretty sure they put meth in the city water supply. its why i got a brita pitcher.

[telecom_goddess]

Pretty sure they put meth in the city water supply. its why i got a brita pitcher.

good move there Whiskey

[Rapscallion]

One, I'm really big on literacy. Call me a bitch if you will, but this dude is 25.

Bloody hell. Same here. I'm not a romantic, but for shits and giggles I joined a dating site or two a year or two back. Some of them seemed to boast about their lack of reading and writing comprehension.

Rapscallion

[Whiskey]

Bloody hell. Same here. I'm not a romantic, but for shits and giggles I joined a dating site or two a year or two back. Some of them seemed to boast about their lack of reading and writing comprehension.

Rapscallion

Oh god did I post about "psychadelic research guy"? I should do that if I havent.

[KiaKat]

Oh god did I post about "psychadelic research guy"? I should do that if I havent.

Please do.

Now.

Now?

NOW, WOMAN.

[Mikkel]

"stuip, latey, slettle, hasome"

English isn't an easy language, there are lots of traps but damn...
There isn't any excuse for that butchering of the language. Haven't they heard of spell checkers?
It isn't even a case of 'spelling as the word sounds' if it isn't a dialect I've never heard before.

[Whiskey]

Please do.

Now.

Now?

NOW, WOMAN.

ALRIGHT FINE GOD DAMN. I don't even have beer. How am I supposed to hold Aunt Whiskeys Story Time without beer? Ugh, whatever


Psychedelic Researcher PhD.
Heres a little Whiskey backstory: I'm an arrogant, self-absorbed, narcissistic bitch. I'll wait a few minutes for the shock you're feeling to subside. Ok, we good? Good. Every so often I'll lower my standards and talk to someone I would normally dismiss as "not my type" or "too dumb to ride this ride." It is always a mistake.

Cue Psychedelic Researcher. He messages me and I'm on a low standards day, so I message him back. The thing about my profile at that time was it essentially said "I'm in college, I work, I have my own place. I expect nothing of you that I can't do myself so you should probably have 2 of 3 at the very least" Economic times are hard, so I can forgive not having a job, or even a car. Anyways, he makes it to IMs (I must have been unemployed or drunk or something, I dont recall) and we start chatting. It goes something like this.

Me: so where do you work?
Him: I dont have a job and live with my parents LOL (he seemed.. smug about this).
Me: Oh, do you go to school?
Him: School? School is for losers.
Me: oh.. uh.. well I love school. so what do you do all day?
Him: I research psychedelics!
Me: ^_~ you do drugs all day in your parents house?
Him: NO I RESEARCH
Me: Um.. alright then, I guess
Him: Hey, bitch, at least i'm not A SHEEPLE (he called me a sheeple..) WHO DEDICATES THEIR LIFE TO BEING BRAINWASHED BY SOCIETIES STANDARDS
Me: Yeah i'll make sure to put that on my list of regrets.

I wish I had the original conversation because it was longer and more... out there. Basically I'm a horrible person doomed for misery because I have (had) a car, a job, an apartment and was getting a higher education while he dropped LSD in his parents basement. My obvious superior.

[KiaKat]

Oh.

Oh god.

That is priceless.

Don't do drugs, kids, mmkay?

[superhotelworker]

I have two. Met a friend from Offline, took my friend Jaime with me. (We still had Denny's in Alton if that tells you how long it's been.... it's been closed for years).
He was.. ego. Purely ego. Had one of those stupid loud speaker things for your car.. and Liked to point out that he was sexy. *Gags*
I didn't notice his hand that was around my shoulder, was slowly going lower, til Jaime warned him less he wanted stabbed in forehead with a fork, he'd behave.
Helps that my friend and her brother came in to eat, and the brother (fiercely protective of all the female species around asshat grabby men) told him if he wanted to act like an asshole, he'd be leaving.

Second.. I took the then boyfriend with me to a cast party after the school play. He drove (Stupid me.. I should have rode with friends..) and got mad that I hugged a senior friend. He left. Apparently me hugging someone was 'cheating' but him sleeping around wasn't.. Hmm.. douchebag cheated for two years and dumped me in a text.
Ack, Friend just reminded me:

I went on Date with the douchebag ex (All this before I found out he cheated. *sighs*) and he decided that asking for sex in the middle of the teen club was a good idea. I said no, he swung. He missed. I didn't.
DAMN I'm better off now.

[zombiequeen]

Hi, I would like to say that my husband's idea of a date:
McDonalds.
Yeah......the dates suck but everything else is great.

He had a girlfriend who hated him for being my friend. He ended up telling her exactly why he and his friends were walking through the school with me and spending time with me, and that was because my brother's friend was being a raper and stalking me.
She then decided that meant he was cheating and dumped him. Then tried to start this huge rumor thing about me and it ended up to the point where my mother believed her instead of me. Yeah hubby used to date psychos (maybe he still does)

[Amethyst Hunter]

I'm an arrogant, self-absorbed, narcissistic bitch.

I like you already.

Him: I research psychedelics!

Translation: "I have totally fried what once attempted - and failed - to pass as my brain on meth."

[Whiskey]

Alright guys, heres Whiskey's Guide To Presenting Yourself Appropriately

1. If you are telling the general public that you are looking for someone to "keep you out of trouble", please try your best not to be high in every single photo.

2. By the way, I'm not your mother. You keep yourself in check.

3. "I enjoy philosophy" universally means "I live off my parents" especially in conjunction with #1. (personal note: I've never met a "philosophy major" that wasnt having their tuition paid for by their parents.)

4. Don't post negatives. "I don't have diverse tastes in food" makes you sound like the complete opposite of someone fun. "I absolutely LOVE Italian and Chinese" comes off far better.

4a. Don't message a self-proclaimed foodie with the above clause in your profile. Especially if you hand-wave entire sections of food away.

5. "Why our ancestors insist we were created from star people. Metaphysical stuff. Philosophy, and how I ought to live my life and why." I even dont have a smilie appropriate for this one.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Whiskey, thats kind of mean! some people are spiritual and like philosophy without being parent-dependent douchebags!" Which leads us to #6.

6. Never close with "Trying to find new things to learn about online. Having a few beers or shots and philosophizing. Looking at the stars. "

7. Wash your god damn hair in photos you are going to use to attract a possible mate/girlfriend/one night stand. You look stinky!