Very Very Not Happy....Actually Friggen Pissed

[MoonCat]

"If you are not safe, you do not respond, because your safety is primary."

That is a quote from the blog post link that XCashier gave. And it's right on target.

Please stay away from this guy! Be safe.

[Seshat]

notlovinit, XCashier and ApolloSZ: thank you.

The harassment thread I linked to was actually the combined work of many people - yes, I wrote the initial post out of my own head, but only AFTER I'd seen many, many threads about harassment with input from many people; including both police officers and private security types.

So while I'll take credit for assembling the information into a coherent whole, the info was only partly my own work.


Anyway... that's a side issue. We return to our regularly scheduled thread.

[Kisa]

I talked to my friend and told him what my plans were. He is on my side which I am very thankful for. Today I got more calls, more texts and they are getting even weirder and more worrying. I got 3 while I was at work today:

"Hey beautiful you there?" 6:57pm
"Fucking ignore me then thats fucking cool of you" 7:20pm
"(pic of him shirtless) This guy misses you" 7:49pm

The scariest part to me was the way he so quickly switched gears from sweetie to dickhead back to sweetie. I was considering texting back and telling him I was at work and to please not text me while I was at work but I realized that was what he wanted and shut off my phone. When I got home, Mr Hero sent me a text telling me to read all the replies I got. Now I'm glad I held my ground.... Thank you all for caring and thank you all for your advice and words of concern. I'm so glad I have so many people who care about me.

I don't want to go through and quote all of them so I'lljust comment on them as a whole.
Firstly, I will not go see him. I know it will either end with him trying to get me naked by acting nice or him screaming at me and getting in my face. I've decided, as long as he is staying there, I will not go to my friends house. He will have to come to my house or we will have to go out somewhere.

Second, I have not yet decided if I will send that one text or not but, if I do, I will definetly do it at a police station. I think that's a gread idea.

His probation forbids him from talking to anyone younger than 19, male or female, so he is allowed to talk to me. However, if he came to my house, he would go straight back to jail as he cannot go within 1,000ft of a school/daycare and my house is right behind a school.

I am scared that he will come to my house or do something after I send that text but if he does, he will go back to jail. I recently found out he also has a number of DUI's and gang involvement on his record which worries me more. I'll keep you all updated and I promise I will stay safe.

[Jester]

I was considering texting back and telling him I was at work and to please not text me while I was at work but I realized that was what he wanted and shut off my phone.

Second, I have not yet decided if I will send that one text or not but, if I do, I will definetly do it at a police station. I think that's a gread idea.

Best message you can send him is NONE. Just IGNORE HIM. When he stops getting any sort of replies whatsoever to his juvenile over-testosteroned bullshit, he'll get the message loud and clear. That being that you are done with him, goodbye, don't let the door hit you on the way out, later, aloha, and adios motherfucker.

Don't send him any texts. Don't send him an IMs. Don't send him anything. Don't even acknowledge his very existence.

And whatever you do, don't read the texts he sends you, don't listen to his voice mails, don't even bother with them. Just delete them and move on, treating it as if it was the nothing that it was, pausing just long enough to delete them in the same way you would pause just long enough to scrape the dogshit off your boot.

Just. Fucking. Ignore. Him.

Period.

[XCashier]

Best message you can send him is NONE. Just IGNORE HIM. When he stops getting any sort of replies whatsoever to his juvenile over-testosteroned bullshit, he'll get the message loud and clear.

A normal, decent man would get the message. A normal, decent man would think, "I guess she's not into me."

This guy is neither normal nor decent. Guys like him get their texts ignored and think, "how dare this bitch ignore me! I'll show her!" And they do.

I really think the police should be involved.

[Jester]

He is neither normal nor decent, I agree.

But he will get the message.

I am not saying she should not alert the police about this. I am just saying that she should just not give this idiot any response whatsoever at all. I mean, she's already told him she doesn't want to deal with him anymore. Now she needs to follow through on that. Because every time she responds to him, she is showing him that she was not, in fact, done dealing with him.

The guy is basically a bully. When he no longer has her to bully, he will move along to find someone stupider and more vulnerable to fuck with.

Outside of alerting the police, possibly alerting this douchebag's parole officer, and completely ignoring all attempts at contact he makes with her, I cannot honestly think of anything else she should or could do that would make the message any clearer.

Well, at least not since they outlawed vigilante lynchings.

[Der Cute]

I think we're all right in this; just slightly different ways of going around this stuff.
I'm just concerned that if he texted you, you said go away, he asked why, you would feel compelled to do so.
You don't have to do jack shit. My sister calls me..leaves a message? I don't have to talk to her ever at all never nuthin nada nope.
IMO, report this turd. Text him back (while at the station, yay) say Leave Me Alone I do Not Want To Be Contacted By You EVER. (that's a pretty black and white statement.)
Then if he texts back, record? Save? Somehow get these things in as evidence. The cops will run his name and such making the report. It will get to his PO from just a report. And, even better, since you ARE near a school, he can't come over. He's busted from just that. (that's in your favor).
Don't Engage The Crazy. He deserves no more CPU cycles from you. You get up, have breakfast, go to work, answer IMPORTANT stuff from family, go to police. Then go home.
I can get my phone carrier to block texts. Idea..instead of answering them, just save them. Then if he's repeating his harassment, you go back to the cops and say "Hey. I made a harassment report 2 days ago about Moron Schmucky, and he's still harassing me. I'm starting to be afraid. Has this been passed to his PO? Hmm??HMM?? This needs to stop. Can we get a TRO? Thank you."
Advocate for yourself, we can't do much here (besides guidance and hugs). If you don't want to talk to someone, you don't have to. Even if it is the Pope.
Good luck, be safe, your safety > anything else.

[Mr Hero]

The sad part is if this happened just a couple months ago, he'd be violating his parole by texting you. You missed protection by a couple months.

[It's me]

Kisa,

Lot's of good advice here. But...... I get the sense it is hard for you to completely ignore the text messages. If you do send one response on your own you may find yourself dragged into a conversation you don't want. So, really do go to the police. Talk to someone there. Send the one GTFO message if the police agree. But please don't try to manage this on your own... you are up against an experienced manipulator.

[Kisa]

Kisa,

Lot's of good advice here. But...... I get the sense it is hard for you to completely ignore the text messages. If you do send one response on your own you may find yourself dragged into a conversation you don't want. So, really do go to the police. Talk to someone there. Send the one GTFO message if the police agree. But please don't try to manage this on your own... you are up against an experienced manipulator.

It is difficult to ignore them because I'm an overly nice person who has a difficult time saying no. My friend actually suggested I let him delete my number from JackHole's phones (yes he has multiple phones. 1 to show his P.O., 1 old one he's not supposed to have and 1 new android he's not supposed to have). Today, I agreed because I need help. I wanted to do this myself at first but it's getting worse. Today, he called 7 TIMES IN A ROW and left a nasty message telling me to "answer your fucking phone" because he "just wants to fucking tell you one fucking thing but I can't fucking tell you unless you pick the fuck up". The first few times I let it ring because I dodn't want to hit ignore and let him know I'm ignoring his calls. The I realized, yes that's exactly what I want! So I started to ignore them. I'm considering changing my number...

[FormerCallingCardRep]

I'm considering changing my number...

That is exactly what you need to do.

[Seshat]

but I realized that was what he wanted

He wants to control you. He wants to affect you.

Or more precisely, he wants a woman he can control and affect. It doesn't have to be you, you're just handy.

And you were nice to him. And he can get access to you via your mutual friend. And you're socialised to be Polite and Respond To People and Not Be Cruel, which he can manipulate.

Take a record of all the interactions with him you have recorded (text messages, etc) to the police station. If the officer you're talking with says that the evidence shows that you've told him not to interact with you, then don't respond to him ever again.
If the officer says there needs to be a 'don't talk to me, don't interact with me' message sent, ask if it can be done by the police, on your behalf. If that's legally allowable as the 'leave me alone' message in your particular jurisdiction, do that.
ONLY - and here I agree with Jester - ONLY send that final message yourself if you legally must, to make his harassment legally qualify as harassment.
The police will know what you have to do.

[Kaylyn]

It is difficult to ignore them because I'm an overly nice person who has a difficult time saying no.

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm not the most assertive person either, because from my personal past experience assertive = bitch in most people's minds. And I'm super paranoid about what people think of me, so I tend to let more things slide than most people would, and I let things affect me negatively that I really shouldn't worry about.

That being said, this guy does NOT deserve nice!Kisa. So don't worry about trying to be nice. And don't be a bitch, either, because sounds like he thrives on getting your hackles raised. Just do your best to let it go. Do the police thing, do the one text saying, "Leave me the fuck alone" and then don't read the following messages, or listen to the voicemails. Memorize your skip button on your voicemail. Save them to show the police, because he WILL try to contact you after you've said no, because right now he just hears empty threats and knows he's getting under your skin, which is what he wants. It's definitely a control issue. Ignore what he has to say, just turn it over to the authorities, and don't let him control you just because you want to remain "nice."

[iradney]

You want to be nice? Think of it this way: By getting the police involved and aware of this situation, you are being very nice to yourself and any of his potential future victimes by getting him on the radar. When he does something that results in his arrest, your information given to the police will be very nice for being used to put him away. And it's even nicer because no other woman/girl will have to be harrassed/abused by this idiot again.

And let's face it - that's the best kind of nice.

PS the fact that the terms of his parole dictate age and schools worries me.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

His probation forbids him from talking to anyone younger than 19, male or female, so he is allowed to talk to me. However, if he came to my house, he would go straight back to jail as he cannot go within 1,000ft of a school/daycare and my house is right behind a school.

Ahh, so he's a kiddy diddler. It just gets better and better with him, don't it?