Christmas depression

[Eireann]

The past couple of days, I have been wondering just why I'm here. So many losses, and hardly any gains. I'm now facing the payment of the rent in a couple of days, and I don't have it. As in, there is no money in my bank account.

I do have some money from working for my friends, but it won't cover the rent. Not to mention the money I've borrowed to pay the rent earlier this year. The depression hit hard. I've been thinking over and over and over about where I am, where I wanted to be, and the enormous distance between the two. I've used so many different approaches to work on myself, and I feel that they've all led to a dead end.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm having very serious thoughts about taking very drastic action.

[Cookie]

First of all You've really been through so much. You've come out of some crazy hard times, including financially. You've beaten it all. That's very hard to see where you are right now, I know. What's also hard to see right now is that you're worth FAR more than the rent money. Yes, it makes things difficult, but you've hung on before. Please feel free to vent the frustration, too. It can be scary. Please keep talking about how your feeling. Having it out there rather than just buried inside will help you.

[Eireann]

I just keep thinking of how often I've been late with the rent, and now I have a utility payment. My landlady already threatened me with eviction a few months ago. When I moved to this country, I had big dreams, none of which have come true. I was going to move back home, but one thing and another kept me here - including my kitty, who is now gone from me. I want to be happy and relaxed and feeling great, and I do have a lot of cause for gratitude - and then the evil little gremlin in my mind speaks up and spews its black despair.

[Redbeard]

It can be scary. Please keep talking about how your feeling. Having it out there rather than just buried inside will help you.

This is very true. Having an outlet means you can put it out there to mull over intellectually as well as emotionally.
That being said, Keep looking for those alternatives. Ask your landlady if there's any extra work you can do to help lower the rent like mucking out drains pipes, shoveling snow if you're in an area that gets the white stuff, painting, etc.
Temp jobs have helped me through some ROUGH times in the past, and you can get anything from security at a convention to a roadside flagger.

Keep at it, and good luck

[MoonCat]

I know what it's like to be behind on bills. I've had some major problems with money. Three years ago I was even having trouble making my mortgage payment. When I called to talk to the mortgage company I burst into tears. The guy on the phone said, "Honey, don't worry so much. You'll get it worked out, even if it takes time." He was right, but boy it was hard to see that at the time. Like Redbeard says, look for alternatives. Don't give up.

Know how you feel about the kitty, too. Five years ago I lost my buddy, my Sylvester, a week before Christmas. I loved that cat so much it hurt (me, not him).

I don't put a lot of emotional investment into Christmas anymore. It's easier just to slide by and keep it low-key.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

I went without Christmas (mostly) for about 9 years as a child/teenager due to my parents' then-fundamentalist church's beliefs, but when I got back into it after becoming an adult I did so with a passion. I loved to decorate, buy gifts, go to parties, listen to the music, everything. Then came 2004, when the daughter who was supposed to be the best Christmas present I ever got was born in August and died in September. I've made some small efforts in the years since, but it just will never be the same. Other things that made the time of year happier seem to have gone by the wayside as well. So, even though I plan to spend Christmas Eve with my inlaws this year and we should have a lot of fun, Christmas Day will probably be a non-event for me.

Today my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas...after he'd been a jerk to me the last couple of days. I said "I want you to stop being an asshole." Without missing a beat he replied, "What else do you want?"

.......

Seriously, I don't want anything for Christmas except peace, and I doubt I'll get that. Eireann, you are not alone. So sorry you lost your cat. Mine will be 20 in April (at least, I hope she will), but next year at this time, who knows. And due to the the above mentioned issues I may be pretty damn poor in a few months myself. I've been there before but it's a hard pill to swallow after 14+ years of marriage. Do whatever YOU want to this Christmas, even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with the holiday. Make yourself happy and the rest of the world be damned.

[Barracuda]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat, although I have until the end of the month. I am desperate to find a job and/or loans to go to school so I can pay rent and basic needs. All I can say is hang in there! Don't take "drastic action." I have been considering that myself as a way out, but it isn't over until it's over. Look into rental assistance in your area. There are government agencies and private organizations that can help with this sort of thing. Dial 211 for information for your area.

[Eireann]

There is no rental assistance here. I'm a foreigner. I went on unemployment earlier this year, and it was a truly pitiful sum. A friend told me that someone she knows (who is Czech) went on unemployment, and though he was living with his parents and not paying rent, he still had to borrow money all the time. That's how things are here.

My therapist thinks I need more help than he can give me, with the state of my mind what it is now. And, of course, the English-speaking medical people here don't take insurance; you have to pay them out of pocket.

When my mom left last year, I kept telling myself that I couldn't take time for myself; I had to keep working to pay the rent and buy food and all that. Now? It's a year and a half later. I have lost two jobs. I quit one job when I thought I had another lined up, only to have that one fall through. I had what I thought was a GREAT deal with one company, started on the project, and they backed out; since we had no contract, I didn't get any money for it.

Working in the thrift store means working with the wonderful owners, who are good friends of mine (and are worried about me, because they know what's going on). I'm chatting with one of them now. It's VERY good to have this support. On the other hand, working here means watching as people come in every day, looking for special things to buy their loved ones for Christmas.

Just so many things. It seems that every time I think things are improving, something happens.

[Eireann]

can't think can hardly breathe can't stop crying don't know what to do.

im sorry

[Seraph]

<hugs Eireann> Just hang in there, hon. Things are always darkest before the dawn. PM me if you need to talk, we're all here for you as well.

[Shpepper]

Just breathe and hang in there sweetness. Talk to your friends and see if they have any ideas for a different living situation. Work towards coming home again. You started a year ago and were getting to almost being able to do it. So focus on that.

[Eireann]

I had a huge crying fit last night. I could hardly breathe. I went online to make contact with anyone I could, and I fell out of my chair and found myself wedged in the corner, unable to work up the strength to sit on the chair again.

I finally got up and seated. I don't know how long I was crying. I sent all kinds of scary messages to people I know. Some haven't been answered at all. I messaged my cousin, and he still hasn't responded.

I keep thinking of home and friends. I wanted to go home earlier, but kitty wouldn't have been able to make the trip, and I couldn't leave her. Now she's gone. Other Kitty would be okay, I think, but she would have to travel in the cabin with me. I was focusing on going home, and then things kept happening, like kitty's illness and the money situation and everything. Then I started seeing a therapist, and I started thinking that I might be able to divide my time between Europe and the States, and travel and all sorts of other things.

But lately, maybe with the time of year and all, everything has come crashing down on me, and I feel like the hugest failure of all time. I wasn't a wanted child - Mom admitted this to me some years ago - and when I was young, I was just another mouth to feed, and the one who kept getting into trouble, to boot. Now, I feel as if I have to justify my existence every day.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of trying one healing method after another. EFT, TAT, theta healing, Reference Point Therapy, hypnotherapy, counseling, gestalt therapy, visualization, mantras, is there anything I haven't tried? The worst thing is that I thought I was doing better, which makes this feeling that much worse.

[Teysa]

*hugs* You do matter. I know it's difficult when you're dealing with money or the lack thereof. However, that is not what determines your worth as a person. From your posts you come across as a good, decent person.

Please don't give up. Kick that depression in the butt and tell it it's not going to beat you.

[Mikkel]

The worst thing is that I thought I was doing better, which makes this feeling that much worse.

You ARE doing better. You must expect ups and downs, getting better isn't an even progress.

[Eireann]

I was supposed to pay the rent yesterday, but I didn't get home until midnight. A friend of mine called me and asked if we could meet, and I jumped on it - by getting home late, I was able not to pay the rent, because my landlady wouldn't want me ringing her bell at that time.

I counted it out. I have more than I thought - and I could SWEAR I didn't have that amount when I checked a few days ago. Furthermore, one of my clients paid me for some articles I wrote, sending me an email showing that the transfer had gone through.

And a good, sweet friend helped me out.

I realized yesterday, and I've been putting more thought into it today, that I've been basing my worth as a person on the amount of money I am. We have very weird attitudes towards money. You're looked down upon if you don't have it, but the same thing happens if you do have it. The rich are lucky; the rich just happened to be in the right place at the right time; they worn born into it; they got it by being ruthless bastards. And just look at all those gloating articles about people who have won the lottery, only to end up broke within a few years.

Anyway.

I'm also very impatient. I wrote out a list of things I want earlier this year. I went into great detail; I've read that this is a very effective way to get what you want. Nothing has happened yet, as far as I can see. And I don't like that; I want results instantly. Every time I have done something towards my goals, I have thought, "Hey, maybe THIS will do it!" I haven't let myself relax enough, or else I've just held on to the idea that I didn't need to do more.

Hell of a way to find out. God, the other night was scary. I sent babbling messages to various people, some of whom haven't responded at all.