Christmas depression

[Cookie]

Eireann, I know you know this, but you can NEVER put a price on what you're worth. You're way too valuable for money to even come near it. I'm really, really glad to see you've been able to identify the thoughts you're having regarding money and your self worth. It's not easy to call it bunk in the moment when you're so far down, but having these thoughts now will hopefully help you down the road through the ups and downs.

[MoonCat]

I think of you as a loving, compassionate person. The love and care you gave your kitty was worth more than all the money in the world. Having money doesn't make you a worthy person; being poor doesn't either. It's how you treat others that counts.

[Eireann]

It seems like I'm always realizing one more thing about my upbringing, one more damaging idea or bad influence. More to work through; more to deal with. One thought came up this morning, and I thought, "Well, there you go - that's where my habit of [doing this] comes from."

My mom was always viewing herself as a failure; no wonder it's instilled in me. We were too close, too dependent on each other, and she never accepted me for the person I was because she was projecting her own personality on me. If I did something "bad", she was the failure. Every. Single. Time.

Now that she's not here, I have to deal with so many things that I hadn't noticed before.

[MoonCat]

It sounds like a lot of stuff is popping up that was hidden way down deep. In a way that's a good thing, because if it has this effect on you, the longer you kept it inside, the worse it would have been. Think of it like lancing a boil.

Also, don't take your mom's issues onto yourself. You are NOT a failure. People have ups and downs, bad things happen, and it hurts. A lot of people on this board are hurting, and we all try to reach out and talk to each other and try to think of ways to help. Let us know when you're upset. There's always someone awake on the board to talk to.

[Eireann]

MoonCat, that's exactly it. I was chatting with a friend about an hour ago, and I mentioned having to deal with past issues in order to get past them.

She tried to argue with me.

Now, I understand if it doesn't work for her, but this is my life and my peace of mind we're talking about here. She's a deeply loving person, but I wish she'd keep certain opinions to herself, especially since she's well aware that I was feeling suicidal. Most of us are raised to believe that we can't point out that our parents are/were human, sometimes doing very bad things to their children's psyches without realizing it. My friend, I think, is firmly rooted in that belief. When I talk about things Mom did, she tells me it's "horrible" and that I shouldn't be looking back. I told her that I have to identify the problems in order to get past them, and she keeps arguing with me.

In my opinion, we should all be free to talk about our parents as people. People with flaws. People who made mistakes. Talking incessantly about your parents ruining your life is counter-productive, but realizing where certain traits or habits or beliefs came from - that, in my view, is good for everyone. Once you ascertain the cause, you can work with it, and work on it.

[Eireann]

I'm so tired.

I've been doing the things my therapist told me and the things I've been reading about making my life better. And I'm tired.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of doing. I'm tired of being.

I'm just too tired.

[MoonCat]

MoonCat, that's exactly it. I was chatting with a friend about an hour ago, and I mentioned having to deal with past issues in order to get past them.

She tried to argue with me.

Now, I understand if it doesn't work for her, but this is my life and my peace of mind we're talking about here. She's a deeply loving person, but I wish she'd keep certain opinions to herself, especially since she's well aware that I was feeling suicidal. Most of us are raised to believe that we can't point out that our parents are/were human, sometimes doing very bad things to their children's psyches without realizing it. My friend, I think, is firmly rooted in that belief. When I talk about things Mom did, she tells me it's "horrible" and that I shouldn't be looking back. I told her that I have to identify the problems in order to get past them, and she keeps arguing with me.

In my opinion, we should all be free to talk about our parents as people. People with flaws. People who made mistakes. Talking incessantly about your parents ruining your life is counter-productive, but realizing where certain traits or habits or beliefs came from - that, in my view, is good for everyone. Once you ascertain the cause, you can work with it, and work on it.

This is true, true, true. We don't pop into existence from nowhere; we are all the product of our genetics AND our upbringing. Parents are usually the strongest influence we have, for good or bad. Once you understand and accept that mom and dad weren't perfect, you can begin to move past that. Accepting it doesn't mean saying it's ok - it just means acknowledging the truth of it. And while you move on, sometimes you'll fall back again. Getting past bad things isn't always a smooth, forward progress. There are bumps.

And you said in your other post that you are tired. That's common with depression. For one thing, you're dealing with some heavy emotional stuff. It tires you out both physically and emotionally.

Did you see Raps' post on depression? There might be a resource there that could help. You can email them. They might have more useful suggestions.

I'm praying for you and hoping that you start to feel better, even if it's just a little bit.

[Eireann]

I don't feel better.

I was working at my friends' store yesterday when one of them gave me a lecture. I had put some items in entirely the wrong place. I told her that the signs had confused me, and she didn't listen; I don't think she even heard. She gave me that lecture I would have hated at any time, but it was particularly bad this time. That lecture about how hard they work, how everything needs to be right, the implications being that I had somehow done this deliberately, plus the WAY she asked me where I had put those items, convinced already that I had screwed up.

Then, when I turned away and said that I should go because I was screwing up, she was telling me to look at her. No. No. No. I will not turn and look someone in the eye when I am in that state. I will not show my vulnerability that much. I will not do it. And don't tell me that I'm "running away" when I don't look at you. Just don't do it. Don't play armchair psychiatrist. Just back off; you don't need to understand me, even if you think you do. Yes, I know that you like me personally. This doesn't make you an effective manager, even if I hadn't been in this emotional state.

Her husband knows how bad it's been for me - well, I don't know if he knows just how bad it's been, but that it's been bad. Very bad. He sent me a very caring email later, telling me to take a couple of days off. He said that I had dealt with a lot of work, and he had been aware that something like this might happen.

It was just the last straw. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm tired of being lectured by people who think that my mistakes are a deliberate attempt to sabotage them. I'm tired of people trying to talk me out of it, or cheer me up. I'm tired of trying to tell myself positive and uplifting things, only to have life prove that I'm lying.

I'm too tired to tell myself anything about life getting better. I have lost all reason to think that it will, or that it might.

[RootedPhoenix]

Eireann...*hugs* Don't go away. You're too important to us.

[Eireann]

I took a looooong walk this evening. Started at 5, well after it got dark. One thing that's good is, it's almost the solstice. Then the days get longer. Good.

I walked around the neighborhood, down streets and byways I'd never explored before. I went to a nearby church and discovered that the attached cemetery had candles lit on various graves. The sign states that the cemetery closes at 5, but the gates were still open. I went inside and looked around a little, but stayed near the gates in case anybody tried to close them while I was still in there.

I sat on a bench, in the cold, outside the cemetery wall. My phone rang. It turned out to be a former coworker, whom I hadn't seen since last year. A member of her family is seriously ill, and she's going back home for the foreseeable future. She asked if I could feed her kitty for about a week. Of course; I've done it before.

She'll pay me. Even better.

Could she buy me dinner, as an extra thank-you?

Certainly; I'd love it.

I also told her that of all the people she could have called, I'm the one who understands the most. She sounded very fragile and lost.

I walked and walked and walked. Down streets, looking at the Christmas lights. Along wooded paths. Back along the streets. Along a bluff overlooking the river, with a magnificent view of the city lights and St. Vitus' Cathedral. A woman walking her dog went past me; the dog ran over and snorfled at my legs briefly.

Eventually, I made a loop and ended up near the church. I caught the bus and went downtown. Went to my friend's restaurant for dinner; it was closed. Went to another one; it was busy. On the way to the second restaurant, I found out where the recently deceased Vaclav Havel is lying in state. The line was immense. It ran down the short street from the church, down a side street, into a square, and down the square. Unbelievable. Wenceslas Square is also full of candles and tributes and mourners. (By the way, the name "Vaclav" is Czech for "Wenceslas", so having a gathering place on Wenceslas Square is doubly appropriate.)

The second restaurant being full, I ended up going to a restaurant where I eat often. I ate. I went to pay the bill. The owner (who knows me; they all do) gave me a small discount. I started picking through my change for a tip, and he interrupted me: "It's okay. Don't worry."

I hope it's okay with the waiter who served me.

I came home and found two presents. One is from a friend, and it's a ring she found recently. The other is a self-help book from an Internet friend.

I also had an email from someone who is in bad straits. The thing is, I can't imagine who this person IS. The email was addressed to me by name, and it's someone who knows how I've been feeling - but who is it? I still don't know. Whoever it is, she's not doing well either.

[Eireann]

I went to see the therapist today, then I went to the store.

The owner's husband was there; she wasn't. I discovered that he had no idea what caused me to freak out. So, well, I told him.

He admitted that she is very organized and has other skills, but she's not a good manager. (I already knew this, of course.) I told him that he, on the other hand, is a great manager, with his background. He still wants me to be a part of their organization, and this is good to know. He said that the two of them often fight about the company and about personal things.

He had been very worried about me for the past couple of days, which I didn't know. This was surprising.

I think we've cleared the air. I don't know what he said to her later, but now she will know what did it (and if she didn't know already, she should).

I photographed some of the tributes left to Havel, at the church where he's lying in state. The church was closed, the street mostly deserted, but people were stopping by to leave flowers and candles and other items.

[MoonCat]

I went to see the therapist today, then I went to the store.

The owner's husband was there; she wasn't. I discovered that he had no idea what caused me to freak out. So, well, I told him.

He admitted that she is very organized and has other skills, but she's not a good manager. (I already knew this, of course.) I told him that he, on the other hand, is a great manager, with his background. He still wants me to be a part of their organization, and this is good to know. He said that the two of them often fight about the company and about personal things.

He had been very worried about me for the past couple of days, which I didn't know. This was surprising.

I think we've cleared the air. I don't know what he said to her later, but now she will know what did it (and if she didn't know already, she should).

I photographed some of the tributes left to Havel, at the church where he's lying in state. The church was closed, the street mostly deserted, but people were stopping by to leave flowers and candles and other items.

I hope she'll be a little more understanding. Glad you were able to talk to the man. Sounds like a decent guy.

I hear the Clintons are coming to Havel's funeral...

[Eireann]

Yes, he's a great guy. We get along very well; we see eye-to-eye on many things. He had a good job in the States when he lived there, with a lot of traveling involved, and he knows about running companies and what constitutes good management.

I worked today, and he came in to take over after a short shift. He doesn't want me to overdo it. He's taking off for a few days, though, so I'll be in charge during that time. I've decided to go ahead and make cookies to share with various people. I may even have a place to go on Christmas Day, which is very good. My sister is sending me an Amazon gift certificate, though she doesn't know when she'll have the cash to buy it. I'll have to make her some earrings, and send a tube of my fabulous lip balm.

And, I've received some freelance work from other sources. One job is a big one, and the company asked if I could do another assignment (I said yes, of course), so there's that much more money coming in.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

My thoughts continue to be with you, Eireann. I also know how it feels to be just plain tired of everything.

[Eireann]

Thank you so much.

It's those "up" moments that make the "down" moments so hard. Maybe this is just my psyche purging itself of all the negativity, like physical detox. A few days ago, I was so fatigued that it was hard to get out of bed. It seems like last week was several weeks ago, rather than seven days.

I'm now in a better mood, and I'm even going to make cookies tomorrow after work. I cleaned the bathroom sink last night; today, I took out the trash and recyclables. My sister is going to call me this weekend. I'm working a long day today, and then I have to go over and feed my friend's kitty (another friend asked me if I could do the same for him, so I'm getting money from two additional sources).

I just want it to last. I know that not all days are great, but they don't have to be black depression, either.