Thoughts and Prayers, please.

[Seraph]

Eek this all happened in my neck of the desert...yes, i will bet that he will be charged with vehicular manslaughter. So sad...

Yep, and worse, and I hope he rots in jail for the rest of his life. What a scumbag.

[wolfie]

They found that bastard who hit Gabriel. And new information released says he was hit by 2 cars. Ultimately, it was the first driver who caused it all. Distracted driving. You son of a bitch. You godsdamned to the bowels of hell whoring son of a whoring bitch. I hope you end up charged with more than just failure to stop and render aid, but for now the fact that you've been found is something.

Not the wolfie mentioned in the OP (that would be xx_wolfie_xx), but I hope that bastard gets charged - with fixed bayonets.

[lupo pazzesco]

So, in the last several days I've made some homemade marinara, 3 dozen meatballs, 3 dozen gyoza, pasta and rice for the appropriate dishes, chai tea concentrate, and last night a double batch of brownies. I'm out of yeast, or I'd bake bread.

Truly ironic? I have NO appetite. Yesterday, I had toast with cheese and some chai for breakfast, and then...nothing until dinner. Not hungry. Wait, take that back. Regional manager stopped by for a visit. She gave me a cookie.


Service is in 2 days. It's a memorial service, as they won't release Gabriel's body until after an autopsy and full criminal investigation have been completed. Funds have been set up for donations to a couple organizations in his name to two of his passions: motorcycle safety and pit bull rescue, as well as a fund for the family, who will no doubt disperse any personal donations to the charities anyway, if I know his wife.

I don't know if I'm going to make it through Friday without breaking down, and part of me is feeling that's incredibly selfish, and I shouldn't, if only to spare the family. My brain has not been my friend these last few days. At all.

And now, off to work again. Who'd've thought I'd actually look forward to dealing with idiot students...?

[csquared]

I don't know if I'm going to make it through Friday without breaking down, and part of me is feeling that's incredibly selfish, and I shouldn't, if only to spare the family.

Nothing selfish about that. You need to grieve. Everyone has their own way. It aways reassuring to see someone being stoic at a time like this. But sooner or later, they have to have their moment.

[Seraph]

Lupo, you've got my phone, call me if you need, hon. I will hold off on setting fires for you, that's how much I care for you. <hugs>

[Der Cute]

One good thing in this current pile of shit: Asshole has been found and is being detained. (He can't go do more bad driving now.)
You've been keeping yourself busy, which helps. I bet your stress has lightened up a wee bit. (nano-bit )
Have you talked to Gabriel by yourself? After my kitty died, sometimes I'd just speak like she was there. That helped a little bit.
Hugs, and I hope that guy's hearing somehow gets delayed. A few times.

[lupo pazzesco]

The service was last night. I'm still floored by the turnout, by everything.

Right now we're out of town, visiting wolfie's dad. Going to try and sit, write out some thoughts. May or may not share them here and on Facebook. We shall see.

[lupo pazzesco]

I just posted this on FB. It turned out longer than I thought it would, and yet it still doesn't seem quite enough.

I’m not a very talkative person when it comes to feelings, emotions, and letting people in on what makes me tick. It’s hard to open up, to expose myself to that kind of thing. I’m anxiety riddled and twitchy. I panic in large crowds, and I have problems being around a lot of high emotions. I tend to shut down and withdraw, which clashes with the driving need I have to nurture and take care of people I love; seeing them hurting, when I can’t do anything to fix it just rips at me. I feel so selfish, so small, because I can’t fix it, and thus I degenerate into a state where I feel I am small, and I am an intruder at a time where family and friends need to be together, for love, for support, and just to be.

The last week, I’ve been staying away from facebook, in what I’ve felt is a show of respect. In the wake of all the tragedy from the week, I feel as though I was the one who lost the least, in a sense. You see, I knew Gabriel for less than a year, and of course I questioned whether I really knew him “enough”. Did I know him enough to qualify to mourn his passing? Or can I only grieve, when I see how much it affected those I love? You see, in my mind, they lost someone important, they were the ones entitled to grieve. My feelings were, - and are, I feel, no matter how incorrect – a far second to what everyone else is going through. I felt, and feel, I have no real place to grieve, or mourn because I am a mere interloper, accepted as an afterthought, simply due to my association with Gabriel’s best friend. I know, logically, this isn’t true, but logic has very little place in emotion. Despite assurances from Gabriel himself in the past that I am welcome and loved, it still feels surreal that I’m so easily accepted as a friend, as family, as important.

Going back to November of last year, I was in the midst of professional turmoil and personal upheaval. My job was going nowhere, and a long distance relationship was causing a strain. The relationship itself stayed strong, but whenever it came time to part, I would go into a state of mild depression and I would mope. Being with someone you love is as vital as oxygen when you realize you don’t have them there beside you. They are always with you, but that physical presence can sometimes do more than a thousand words on paper, phone screen or computer screen, and a video on Skype can only make up for so much, when you can’t simply reach out and grasp a hand.

So, when I was asked if I would quit my job and take the risk of moving to a new city three hours away, I had to think long and hard about it. Could I give up everything I knew, everything I had built as a comfortable safety, my little nest? No matter how much it drained me, sapped the life out of me a little more every day, it was what was familiar to me. It had become my safety net, and my self-imposed prison. I was locked up, going nowhere, but I was safe, and I knew what to expect. Could I really break out of that?

It turns out I could. So, Starting in September of 2011, and spanning the course of several months, we slowly packed up my life. Bits and pieces, here and there, culminating in a final farewell to the place I had spent at least a quarter of my life. To say that caused a panic attack of monumental proportions, would be like saying the Ice Age was just a little snow. I was in a strange new city, and my only possible anchor was the man I loved, and we were embarking on a journey where we had to determine if we could live together, and learn the follies and foibles, personality quirks, and sleeping habits of one another. No pressure there, really, none at all.

And then I met Gabriel.

I would say “On a brisk November evening”, but let’s face it, we’re in Texas, so in reality it was a balmy and humid November night. So, on a balmy and humid November night, Wolfie parks outside of a house, and walks inside without even knocking. I’m tired, bedraggled, stressed, and quietly still freaking out over what I’d just done. I’m afraid I’m going to blurt out something rude, or burst into tears, or have monstrous panic attack and just melt into a stressed puddle in the middle of the floor.

Instead, I got hugged. Gabriel greeted Wolfie, turned to me and said “Hi, I have hamburger meat on my hands, be careful!” And he hugged me. And that was my first official welcome to San Antonio, my first glance at the opening chapter of my life.

Grill smoke. Laughter. Barking dogs. Energetic children. Burgers at the table, and nonstop talking and joking as the night wore on. I wish I could say I quickly grew to be at ease, but I’m not that capable. It does take me a while. But that night, while sitting there, and listening to the conversation around me, I could let a little of that tension go, and I could feel a little of that stress melt.

I was homesick for my family, though, because that would be the first year I’d ever not gone home to spend the holidays. But the cost of moving, and hey, being unemployed tends to hinder any travel plans. Instead, much like Wolfie, I was swooped up, and plopped down in the middle of Gabriel’s large family, to share a Thanksgiving meal. During the meal, Gabriel told me at one point “I know you can’t be with your large family, so you can share mine, that way you won’t be as sad, ok?”

And I wasn’t. Oh, I was as anxiety riddled as ever, being in a large crowd of new people. But I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t homesick. I was surrounded by the love and warmth that only family can provide, and even though it wasn’t mine, Gabriel made sure that I felt accepted, that I belonged. He had that gift, rare as it is, that there are no strangers in life, as long as love flows under it all. That was what I’d slowly come to learn in the short months I knew him. Love flowed under every action, every thought, every word. It didn’t matter, whether it was a raunchy joke or innuendo, or a shoulder to lean on while talking out what was causing fear or stress. Love flowed underneath.

What followed was a whirlwind, for Gabriel was a force to be reckoned with, no matter the situation. Movie nights were always filled with laughter, and everyone was the butt of one joke or another, some off color, some not, because hey, that’s Gabe. He was always full of life, of vitality, of grand ideas and passion. He recruited me to help build a gingerbread Viking longship over Christmas, simply because a mere gingerbread house just seemed so normal. And normal just wouldn’t do. It had to be larger than life. And so we tackled the project, and it was well on its way, though circumstances prevented completion. I am going to complete this. And the ship will be as grand as he imagined, because it just couldn’t be any less.

Like his verve for life, his compassion is staggering. He’s always in to help out where he can. It’s rather off color and sounds horrible, but Gabe was willing to smack Wolfie in the crotch, just so I could be able to order him a gift he really wanted for our first Christmas together as a couple. That’s just the kind of man he was! When I had to surrender the litter of kittens I was fostering, he thought nothing of coming to help me drive them to the shelter, despite apparently having a horrendous drive back into town the night before. He also thought nothing of sitting down with me for breakfast, because he somehow knew I needed some time to be depressed over the fact those little babies I’d raised were now gone, and I wasn’t getting them back. I needed the company, though I didn’t know it, and he simply gave it without a second thought.

I didn’t know him long. Less than a year, and so to feel as though I’ve known him a lifetime seems wrong, seems inaccurate. I feel cheated, that I didn’t know him longer. And because I didn’t know him longer I feel that my feelings are less valid. I know that he would say differently. I’ve heard others say differently, but that’s where it is. That’s where I stand on the matter.

The world is dimmer without him in it. To see the impact he had, the sheer number of people he touched in his short time on Earth is breathtaking, and you can’t help but wonder what he could have accomplished if we were allowed to have him even a few years longer, and that saddens me. Yet, at the same time, I feel hope, because there is the same love flowing underneath that Gabe had in his every word and action. Seeing that love, knowing that it continues means that he continues, and that’s probably the biggest comfort at all. It doesn’t lessen the hurt, but it does make it more bearable. I can only hope that we live up to that, all of us he touched. May we never forget that no matter what, love flows under it all, and if we have that? We have enough. And we always, always will.

[csquared]

After reading that, I miss Gabriel.

To Lupo, xx_wolfie_xx and every one here, I hope you can find a friend like Gabriel.

But more importantly, I hope you can BE a friend like Gabriel.

[KiaKat]

Sometimes there are people who are so bright, so important, they leave an imprint of themselves on the world for long after they are gone. From what Lupo and Wolfie have told me, Gabe was one of those people.

Sweetie, you wrote such a beautiful piece. You captured him so well, and I hope it helped you as much as it made me cry. Which is, to say, quite a bit.

Think about maybe creating a well-formatted printout of both yours and Wolfie's writing, getting it bound, and giving it to his family. Or putting together a Lulu book of both pieces, interspersed with photos. It might be a nice memorial for his family to have around. Heck, see if you can gather writing from all his friends, and create a real book.

[xx_wolfie_xx]

Kia, Gabe's wife has already sled for people's memories of him so thatvshe can put a book togeter for the kids.

[KiaKat]

Coolies. Shoulda guessed she would - she seems wonderfully organized.

[lupo pazzesco]

She is. She's also so strong. It's amazing, really, and I can't help but stand in awe.

[Der Cute]

That writing helped me imagine what Gabe would be like, what he was. That's a damn good piece of writing.
get it to G's Mom, she'll love it.

[lupo pazzesco]

Gabriel's wife saw it, and apparently it's going into a memory book she's compiling for the kids and the family. She's asked everyone over FB to write their memories of Gabe down, when they can, so she can put them together. I'm honored, but that's not why I wrote it. And now I feel all uncomfortable and twitchy for some reason.

Wolfie was asked to speak at his memorial, and he did. He was wonderful up there, I'm so proud of him.