I'm at my wits end...please help :(

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs Kisa*

All I have are screamy rants. Just know you're not the only one who's had this happen.

[Andara Bledin]

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

Just a clarification: I'm the one in CA. Kisa is in MI.

^-.-^

[Seshat]

Window bars are so ugly though. Hurricane shutters can do the same thing - and look nicer! Plus it's impossible to peep through them.

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

There are various security options for windows, at various price points. If you have the money (which Kisa et al probably don't), you can use bulletproof* glass securely attached inside steel or solid hardwood framing, which is itself securely attached to the window frame, which itself gets bolted to the house' framework.
(* or other forms of toughened/secured glass or pseudo-glass.)

Looks like a normal window. Damned hard to get into if it's closed and you don't have the key.

Myself, I like small-paned 'traditional' windows with ironbark or some other incredibly tough hardwood as the framing wood. (ironbark gets its name honestly.)

[Zapper]

Invest in some Mace. I'm not kidding. If he does force his way in and gets violent, that can stun him until the police arrive. It should take the fight right out of him.

[PepperElf]

Window bars are so ugly though. Hurricane shutters can do the same thing - and look nicer! Plus it's impossible to peep through them.

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

[protege]

Locked doors, locked windows. Security screens on doors and windows. (He WILL break a window to come in, if he finds the doors locked to him.)
New keys, of course.

I was just going to say this as well. Get the locks changed. You might want to have a heavy security door fitted. They run about ~$100 to just over $200 from Home Depot or similar stores. Window bars are also available. Depending on the neighborhood, breaking glass tends to draw a lot more attention than having a door kicked in, so if money is tight, I'd beef up the door first.

[Sapphire Silk]

I wouldn't put it past someone like him to try to mentally/physically abuse the child, when he no longer has the ability to do so to the 3 of you.

I don't put it past him to TAKE the kid if the visits are not supervised.

The OP needs a protective order. They can be issued on emergency basis; call a domestic violence or battered women's shelter for help on this.

The suggestion to move out is a good one. The divorce could only escalate things.

Don't buy a gun. Guns are as likely to be used against you if you don't know what you are doing with them.

Jester, Usually your advice is spot on, but if this guy is as nuts as Kisa describes, do you REALLY think THIS is going to work?

SC

Not with just one guy it won't.

Several much larger and scarier guys who are willing to give him a "sample" of what is to come might.

Or might make things worse. Because this fucker doesn't like to lose and doesn't care what he has to do to get his way.

[kansasgal]

Go to a crisis center. Call your local Crisis hotline and get to the shelter and then file a restraining order. Tell your lawyer that you need to have supervised visits or that you need to have him pick the child up at a neutral location. If you go to a shelter, call the police and ask them to drive by your house often because of the harassment. This way if he breaks in they may catch it. If you can't get to a crisis center, go to a local emergency shelter. They have 24/7 people and the doors usually lock at a certain time and don't open until the morning. If he comes on center property, those locations have direct lines to the police and the cops respond QUICK!

[Andara Bledin]

Well, there have only been two times that I've done this, and once was during the day. The other time, the local cop shop happened to be the local county sheriff's dispatch center, which is 24/7. Plus, we were on the phone with the police long before we actually reached their doorstep.

^-.-^

[PepperElf]

In a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know where the local police station is, so that should a violent individual choose to follow, you just drive on into their parking lot. All but the craziest of stalker/psychos will continue the following after that, and those would more likely ram the truck than just follow until they ran out of gas, so it's still a preferred option.

^-.-^

I use to say this too... until I actually tried to get to the local police station after hours. (no emergency just trying to turn in a lost cell). They weren't open. I mean sure there were cops on patrol but the station itself didn't have any open doors and looked kinda deserted.

Plus it turned out to be in part of town that didn't get a lot of traffic.


So... you may be safer going to a 247 store - like walmart - that's well lit and wait for the police inside your vehicle there.

Cos, you're going to be afraid - stressed even - so it'll be easier to run to a place you already know how to get to. And you won't be alone either. You don't even have to get out of the car really. You may in fact be safer in it than out of it.

[Andara Bledin]

I would make sure they got to a safe shelter (even if it meant driving all over the place if the abuser tried to follow me - I had dual tanks in my truck so I was pretty much guaranteed to be able to go further than the idiot following me in their car).

In a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know where the local police station is, so that should a violent individual choose to follow, you just drive on into their parking lot. All but the craziest of stalker/psychos will continue the following after that, and those would more likely ram the truck than just follow until they ran out of gas, so it's still a preferred option.

^-.-^

[PepperElf]

ah CA - yes that does change some of the options around.

I'd recommend checking out self-defense laws as well to find out what you can and cannot do.

[BroSCFischer]

Specifically a male friend to have a nice little discussion with this lunatic. Someone who can politely yet firmly suggest to him that it is in his best interests to stop being a complete and total jackhole.

Jester, Usually your advice is spot on, but if this guy is as nuts as Kisa describes, do you REALLY think THIS is going to work?

SC

[Seshat]

With court ordered supervised visitation, usually a social worker (or other court designated 3rd party) is the supervisor. And most times it occurs at a neutral location so the supervised parent is not in a position to put the child in danger.

SC

I was going to mention that - it's most often a third party, and if a third party isn't the immediate recommendation, your mother can request it. And can request that the third party be a court-ordered one.

Note that the word of a court-ordered third party is also going to carry a lot of weight with a judge or magistrate - if said third party states that he/she witnessed abuse towards your mother or the child, it will be taken seriously.


ALSO:

Any legal adult, or any minor of sufficient age, can take out a restraining order on their own behalf. While your mother should definitely attempt to make out the primary restraining order in this situation, if YOU are being harassed and/or abused by your father, YOU can take out your own RO on your own behalf.

[Jester]

Oh, good lord. Daddy Dearest. I hate guys like this.

First things first; everything starts with your mother. SHE needs to reapply for the restraining order, and before doing so, needs to get advice on how to do so from her lawyer. SHE needs to ask for an emergency hearing with the court to make them realize how serious the situation is, whether she does this through the criminal courts or the family courts, or both. An family law judge CAN issue an order to keep someone from a home if they feel there is danger to the child whose custody is being disputed. And SHE needs to have the fucking locks changed. If she is not willing to do these things, she is enabling this jackass to torture and harass all three of you. I hope for your sake she IS willing to step up and stop letting him push you all around.

Now, that being said, definitely call the cops whenever there is an issue. He's forcing himself into the house? Call the cops. Pushing you around? Call the cops. Making wild accusations? Call the cops. Yes, there are going to be situation where the cops can't legally do anything. But they WILL see that this guy is a fucking lunatic (hopefully shifting their attitudes from neutral and annoyed to sympathetic towards you three), and there will also be documentation of every incident.

Finally, if the cops and courts are not working, it may be time to involve extracurricular help. Specifically a male friend to have a nice little discussion with this lunatic. Someone who can politely yet firmly suggest to him that it is in his best interests to stop being a complete and total jackhole. Hopefully you're getting my point, but if you need a more thoroughly detailed explanation, feel absolutely free to PM me.