need advice and need to rant

[Seshat]

I'm now 44.

I agree in part with 'if you want to know what your wife will be like in 20 years, look at her mother'.

I add a phrase: 'Unless she's making an effort to not resemble her mother'.

Oh, I look physically like a thinner version of my mother, with some of my father's family's features thrown in. I have his eyebrows, my paternal aunt's chin, etc.

But I made a conscious effort even as a teen to build much of my personality on my grandmother, and to discover who and what I am. Me, not my upbringing, not my culture, not my heritage. Oh yes, I am a product of all of the above, but they don't have to dictate what I do, say, think and feel.

I catch myself acting like my mother or father sometimes. I stop, lift a hand, say 'sorry, that's what Dad would have said'. Pause, think. Try to figure out what's ME. Sometimes I lower the hand and shrugs 'but it's okay. We can continue.'

Other times, it's '... and it was horrible. I apologise. Give me a moment, if you don't mind.'

My close friends and my chosen-family fully understand. More distant friends may or may not, but it doesn't bother me either way. I try not to do it in front of my genetic family - but I also try not to see them very often at all. Just enough for (what did I call them? Ah yes) Alice and Johnny.

[42_42_42]

Then you get odd-balls like my sister and I. I look like my mom, but my personality is very similar to my father's, which means I'm a geek guy in a woman's body (although I'm also very girly, I guess that makes me a geek princess). My sister looks like our dad's sister, but her personality is almost exactly like our maternal grandmother's, some of which my mom has and some of which my mom's personality was created as a reaction to.

[Pixilated]

Congrats on the wedding! You've been given some really good advise. I wanted to add a page out of my parents' book. They've been married for 47 years.

*snip*

To paraphrase a character in Lynn Johnston's cartoon strip (For Better or For Worse), your family is a class act.

I'm now 44.

I agree in part with 'if you want to know what your wife will be like in 20 years, look at her mother'.

I add a phrase: 'Unless she's making an effort to not resemble her mother'.

*snip*

Exactly. The older I get, the more I resemble my mother. Yay. Not. But I am doing my best NOT to resemble either her OR my father in my personality. Both of them were willing to carry grudges until hell froze over. Who needs that??

[dalesys]

... Both of them were willing to carry grudges until hell froze over. Who needs that??

And then call the taxidermist so they can be set up in the parlor.

[paintballworker]

Hence why I like the fact that maria takes after her grandmother....who was a badass...she was in The Great Patriotic War*(WWII to us in the West) as a sniper, and lived her life like she didn't give a shit. Even I miss her, and I o lay met her a couple of times.

I take after my moms father, down to the love of flight, except I'm not a womanizer nor do I smoke half a dozen cigars a day.

[morgana]

Congratulations, PBW!

Maria sounds like she can avoid turning into her mother. Good for her!

Many happy years to the two of you.


Keep us posted, K?

[Pixilated]

And then call the taxidermist so they can be set up in the parlor.

Or on the front porch at Halloween ...

[MoonCat]

We're all the products of many things: Upbringing, DNA, childhood influences, schooling, friends, enemies, lovers, joy, sorrow, etc. And each of us is unique. We can choose whether to allow these things to dictate every action, good or bad; sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. The important thing is trying to be the best we can be.

IMHO.

[Rock Lobster]

You can't live other people's lives for them. You have to do what you need to in order to survive. Ignore them or move away. Just because they are miserable and grumpy doesn't you need to get mired down in their garbage.

[paintballworker]

You all asked for an update, and your going to get one..

Guess who showed up..at our..at 1 in the morning....first two guesses are wrong.

Yup. The 'rents.

They spend half a hour banging on our door, demanding to be let in so "we can talk some sense into you, and get you away from that terrible man"....the police showed up, called by the parents cause I was kidnapping and threatened them and their daughter.

After spending AN HOUR explaining everything to the cops, and getting the death glare from 'mom', I got to watch one of the cops(large Indian man with a deep Morgan Freeman-like voice) explain to both of them that they were both in a lot of trouble, I didn't see the aftermath since I had to be up early to run a tournament but I gave the cops my cell #.

And Maria is (her exact words) fucking done with those people, if they want war...they will get war. My response was 'sure babe.....zzzzzzzzz'(WHAT? I was tired, I needed sleep). What comes out of this, I will update you.

Also Maria and I thank you and offer you treats and ice cream.

[Ophbalance]

Wow. How do folks ever think that will work?

[Jester]

You've done pretty much what I would have advised. They demanded this and that for the wedding, but they forgot the key detail that it wasn't THEIR wedding, but YOURS. Ditto with any demands they make about religions, children, etc. "Oh, you want a Jewish wedding? Great. Go have one. We, on the other hand, are going to have OUR wedding OUR way." Etc., etc.

As long as you and Maria are in agreement on how you want to do something, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Not her parents, not her family, not your friends, not me, not Monty Hall. There are exactly two people and two people only who should be making decisions about Maria's and your life together: Maria and you. Period, end of story, drive safely, go the fuck home. Assuming both of you are legal, consenting adults, everyone else can kiss your asses.

And if anyone has a problem with that, feel free to give them MY number so that I can explain it to them in my own unfettered way. Because, ya know, I'm very diplomatic and shit.

If you want to know how your wife will turn out in 20 years, look at her mother.

Sometime yes, sometimes no. You can't really make this blanket statement about everyone, because not everyone is the same, nor is every situation identical to yours, n matter how much it may seem so to you.

[Victory Sabre]

You all asked for an update, and your going to get one..

Guess who showed up..at our..at 1 in the morning....first two guesses are wrong.

Holy Cow!

My mom's mom was very unhappy about my mom marring my dad. He wasn't a good German Catholic boy that she wanted my mom to marry.

At least she had the common sense to get over that, and she was stubborn as hell.

Congratulations on getting married, and may you two have a long and happy life together.

[paintballworker]

We're usually on the same page, sometimes I'm a few behind but I catch up.

My aunts were disappointed that I didn't marry a nice Scottish man(but I'm not gay and I've got enough Scots in my family to last). But they treat Maria like their own, much to Maria displeasure and my mirth(when she got dragged shopping, she pleaded with me to stop them). I've spent my entire life trying to say 'no' to them, hasn't worked so far.

The other thing that makes me believe maria has turned out like her grandma, is I found a picture of her grandma back in '45, and maria is a spitting image of her...except for the lack of a sniper rifle and a Red Army uniform. Both braid their hair the same, keep it the same length, and both don't take no crap from anybody.

[Pixilated]

Methinks her parents have been watching way too much cheesy TV ...what on earth made them think that would help??

I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when the cops were explaining to them how much trouble they were in. (I'm going to be blatantly nosy and ask what the outcome was ... they weren't actually hauled off to the slammer, were they?) I'm sure it took quite a while to sink in.