Problems with hubby--LONG

[Athaelia]

Hi everyone! I'm more of a lurker than a poster--I thought this might be a good place to get some advice since I can remain somewhat anonymous. Break out the clothesline, cuz I'm about to air my dirty laundry! (semi-anonymously of course)

So, my husband and I have been together for 7 years. He's lived with me (in my family home with my parents and grandma) for almost that long. We got married in 2010, and our beautiful twin boys were born last August. Hubby has never made enough money for us to be on our own. What he does make he doesn't spend wisely; and he really doesn't want me involved with the finances. For the past 7 years we have lived in one room with no money...he has stopped paying my parents rent..and he has quite an anger problem (which I believe is from his upbringing). he doesn't want me to work and I have to watch our twins.

Now hubby works part time at a big box store, he claims he can't find a second job. We are on government programs to help pay for the babies' food and medical care. He thinks his one-man music project is going to make tons of money, so he insists on working on it during the day when I need him to help with the babies. If I ask for his help, he says I'm distracting him from "working" but if I don't ask, he says "why didn't you ask me for help?" He has put the music ahead of me and the boys--we constantly have the same fight over and over. Since I had the babies, he has become very angry, almost violent. He did, on one occasion and put a large shoe against my face, threatening to slap me with it. I was kinda scared--there is a huge size difference between the two of us. He eventually apologized but I don't think he really takes responsibility.

Today was the icing on the cake. I found out he got a speeding ticket, which he said he forgot he received because "he was sleep deprived". I know he lied about it when I asked him why we kept getting mail from traffic schools and stuff addressed to him. I got angry for him lying and I stormed outside, where he followed, and eventually threw a cigarette lighter at me, which hit me right above my ankle and broke the skin. He says he was throwing it at the outside trash can and I "happened to be in the way."

He refuses to go to counseling or get help. (Sometimes he says he will, but never does). He has us living with nothing. No money. My family gives us shelter, or we'd be on the street. He hasn't done anything physical to the babies, but he doesn't play with them and he easily gets annoyed by them...and I have no idea what to do. I don't want to split my family but I can't live like this anymore. I have no job, no education (never finished college), and if he leaves, no car, and no money. He wants to go to Ohio (where his mom's family is) and work there while we take a break to get things straight. One of my parents says he should stay and help with the twins because letting him got to Ohio means he "gets the easy way out." I have no idea what to do. We have barely any friends any more--I'm too embarrassed by our situation to make any!

[bhskittykatt]

Would your parents support you if he left for Ohio? If so, then let him take the easy way out. He sounds like a classic abuser. You should look for an escape route. Don't walk, run.

I'm also going to throw this link up here: http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-ab...eing-abused-2/ Read it. They have more resources and advice than I do.

But your situation does not sound good. I encourage you to get out.

[Aethian]

1. How old is this male child?
2. Basically your not married, imo, your roommates who happen to have a couple kids together.
3. Would you be able to find a job and live without this ass if you could also find child care?

[ArcticChicken]

An absent father is infinitely better than an abusive one. And this bastard is abusive, and it's only going to get worse.

[csquared]

So far you have had women speaking up. Now for the male point of view.

I agree with them. You need to get away from him.

Read that link bhskittykat posted. Good stuff there. Call the hotline. Figure out an escape plan. Get your parents involved. They will need to be a part of it as he lives under their roof.

It is tempting to throw out ideas for your escape. However, that is better left for the professionals.

Once he is out of your life and no longer holding you back, you can start to move forward. You can do it.

[Kittish]

Another vote here for get him out of your life. As you describe things, he's escalating the abusive behavior. That WILL keep happening.

Let him take 'the easy way out.' Your life, and the lives of your children will be better in the long run.

[mathnerd]

I have to agree with all the others. I come from a family that's heavily involved in the foster care/dependency system. I grew up with countless foster siblings. My parents don't just foster and adopt, they are also court officers and guardian ad litems. I've pretty much seen it all. This man is following the classic pattern of escalation of an abuser. The saddest type of situation I see, and I see it all the time, is when kids are removed from their home because one parent did nothing while the other became abusive. Please don't be one of those parents. You've been given some very good advise and good links. Read them. Then do what you have to do to protect you and your babies.

[Arcus]

Help him pack his bags. He's not helping you with the kids and he's there now. Only when he is gone will you be able to make a better life for you and your kids.

And when he calls wanting you to join him in Ohio, a simple no is all he should get.

[Zellie Crescent]

Abuse always starts out small but has has ways of getting big fast, if I were you I'd want him out of my life now. Better to be single and safe than stuck and abused.

[Jester]

Out of curiosity, what part of Florida do you, your parents, your kids, and this knuckle dragger live in?

[shopgirl15]

Let him go to Ohio. Start looking for a job asap - can your parents look after the twins?

[violiavampyr]

Im in agreement with everyone else.
From 2001-2006 I was basically in your situation. Husband that kept himself in low paying jobs and would often spend his paychecks before he had them, usually over drafting in the process. He always HAD to eat out, never tried to bring lunch or eat remotely healthy. Said it was too expensive.
When we fought it almost always turned violent, and he would always always turn it to my fault (I would try to leave when it got heated, he would grab me, I'd try to get him to let go, if he got injured in the process of me trying to leave I was being abusive).
He acted jealous when I gave our child attention. Hell, he acted jealous when I gave my cat attention. Never mind how he acted when I talked to other adult people.
Up until 2006 I had an out. I could have kicked him out and my parents would have backed me (we were living with my dad), but in 2006 I had the great idea that moving to Texas would make things better.
I was even more isolated and it got worse.

"V, you're too fat." "V, the house isn't clean enough" "V, everyone says you're not a good parent." "V, your butt's too big me to have sex with you." (btw, he was easily 300lbs when he made all the comments about me size, and that was 40lbs ago for me!) "V, I can grab you to stop you from leaving, but you can't hit me to make me let ago, if you do I'll call the cops and have you arrested. You'll never see your daughter again."

And that's just the tip. At any point I should have just taken the car, my child, some clothes and left. I should have. And here's the kicker, I knew I should have. I continued doing what I was doing thinking things might improve, but knowing the smart thing to do would be leave. I had family in Ft Worth that would have welcomed me.

All I had to do was get in the car and drive. It would have been 1000 times better than what eventually happened.

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[taxguykarl]

I agree, let him go back to Ohio. It's not like he's contributing much anyway. Also look into online work at home. Will your 'rents help you with the kids?

[iradney]

Here's a question for you to ask yourself:

Say your best friend is in the same situation you are in currently. What would you advise them to do?

Also - do you want your children growing up thinking that your husband is the best example of how a man should act?

Finally - you deserve better. Not a question, but a fact.

[pzychobitch]

Here's a question for you to ask yourself:

Say your best friend is in the same situation you are in currently. What would you advise them to do?

Also - do you want your children growing up thinking that your husband is the best example of how a man should act?

Finally - you deserve better. Not a question, but a fact.

I would quote this and post reply a thousand times if I wouldn't be banned utterly from cs.