Problems with hubby--LONG

[yeahwhatev]

Stop listening to him about working. Find a job and start saving. If you have to take part time to care for the children you are at least starting. The road you are on is dead end. Start making plans. Your children need you and your husband to provide for them. What you are doing now is merely existing. Nothing will change and it will get worse when the children get bigger.

I do not know your husband or your relationship. From your initial description, I would say it is only a matter of time before he does something stupid. Either he will leave or he will do something unforgivable and be forced out. Stop waiting for that and move forward. You said he won't LET you work, is it a threat of violence or verbal abuse? Either is illegal and you should not take it.

Look for work. Make plans to care for infants while working. Inform spouse of plans. React to objections or threats with "We need the money for the children." and stop arguing. If threats become dangerous, call police and have your father ban him from the property. Saving a failing marriage is a goal. Staying in a losing situation that endangers your children is wrong.

[42_42_42]

As a survivor of domestic abuse myself, your story reminds me so much of how my ex-fiancé acted, only I stuck around long enough for it to get much worse. I was lucky, I finally got out and got help.

If you won't kick him to the curb for yourself, do it for your children. How would you feel if he treated them the way he treats you? Do you want him to be around long enough for that to happen?

[Moogles]

That is definately an abusive relationship. It started off that way when he moved into your parents house and his work situation. He was being financially abusive then (taking advantage of their kindness).

He's being emotionally and physically abusive to you now. I honestly believe he's using the twins to bind you to him, believing you won't leave because of them. Eventually he won't "accidently" hit you with things, and the abuse will NOT be limited to you. He will strike out at your children.

My mother was in an abusive relationship. My father made HER go back to work when I was 6 months old and when my brother was 5 months old. He flitted between jobs. He used to accuse her of making him fat through her cooking, but if dinner wasn't on the table the SECOND he got home he hit her.

When my mom finally left (I was almost 3, my brother just over six months) he tried to stop her by beating her legs with a piece of 2x4 WHILE SHE WAS HOLDING MY BROTHER. She still has issues with her legs because of that.

Trust me, if you don't leave now it will get much much worse. He has the power himself to stop what he's doing. Upbringing or not he can stop it. He just won't. So he can control you.

[Athaelia]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice very much!!!! I'm going to answer the questions some of you asked:

1. My parents would help me with the babies if he left for Ohio (but I know I'll hear about it), and it seems he may be going there soon. He's putting in a transfer at his Big Box Store. But, he wants to stick around to be here for the twins' birthday, the end of next month. Not sure if I can put up with the fighting that long.

2. He is a few months shy of the big 3-0.

3. I have started looking for a job, and put in my resume at a temp agency to hopefully get some office experience while I look for something more permanent. I have a few other places in mind I want to apply to.

4. I am from Clermont, Florida, just west of Orlando.

5. My mother has agreed to help watch the twins when she can. Between her and my sis-in-law I might have it covered.

Again, thank you everyone. Hopefully things will be peaceful until the trip...

[Eevie]

I'm certainly agreeing with everyone here, this is a pretty textbook case of domestic abuse. I'm worried not just for you, but your twins as well. If domestic abuse starts with a spouse, it has a strong chance of the children being victims later on as well. Given his attitude towards his own kids also doesn't fill me with hope for their future with him.

I will say, I'm not close with my father. He never talks with his kids, you have to annoy him enough before he does any favors (So help me it would take him a week to change a lightbulb before I learned how to do it myself), and anything is left out; money, food, etc., is automatically his if he sees it.

And while I'm not close with him, my mother more than makes up for it. She is my best friend, someone who I have tried to model myself after for years. Enough to where her coworkers even comment on how similar we are.

My point is, while my father isn't exactly a poster child for awesome parenting, my mom is amazing enough to be two parents. So please, let your kids see how amazing you are. Let them see the kind of strength it took to get this far and beyond. Let them see the star role model that you are. They don't need a man like your husband in their lives.


Remember, just going through this makes you an inspiration, don't forget that.

[taxguykarl]

Eevie has a great point. Do you really want the kids to think your situation is normal?

Hold on, Athaelia. You are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep your cards on your chest. I fear for what may happen if he sees these posts. Tell me you kept your handle and password secret (i.e. not saved by the OS); also check for keyloggers.

[pzychobitch]

Eevie has a great point. Do you really want the kids to think your situation is normal?

Hold on Athaelia. You are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep your cards on your chest. I fear for what may happen if he sees these posts. Tell me you kept your handle and password secret (i.e. not saved by the OS); also check for keyloggers.

This is a must, my friend (to Athaelia).

I don't think he's thought of the key logger but I don't know him as much as you do. He doesn't seem like the kind of person that would do THAT, but I dont know.

You know you can call me anytime right? If you need my # I can PM it to you.

[Gizmo]

Get him off to Ohio... and then get rid of him out of your life.

Sorry hun, sounds nasty but looking at what you've said this guy is not a good guy to be around and needs to be gone asap.

[Jester]

In my opinion, your parents are putting their views ahead of your and the twins' well-being. If you weren't living with them, I would advise you telling them to go pound sand.

You'd be better off without this raging douchebag in your life. If he wants out, pack his bag and take him to the bus station yourself.

[sms001]

This might sound horrid at first glance but bear with me; it's actually you getting "the easy way out."

I think of some of the horror stories I've heard and witnessed over the years and all I can think of is --- at last, someone is catching some sort of break in getting out of an abusive relationship. Don't get me wrong. It will be tough. It will be exhausting, heartbreaking, emotionally draining, and will make you want to give up. You are almost starting from scratch. But.

You have family. Supportive family. They may not be showering you with roses and throwing a party, but they're there. You're young. Yeah, not twenty, but plenty young enough to find a good direction to go in. No car, but a home. No career, but a brain. No friends, but us internetters. No husband...but no abuser.

As you wind your way through this, I suspect you'll come in contact with women who have none of these things but struggle through (If you haven't already). And when you hear things like 'he took every last dime we had' and 'he beat me and the kids' and 'I don't know what to do - I'm fifty and completely isolated' and 'The restraining orders never bothered him.' I think you're gonna look back and realize that you are indeed at as good a place in this kind of situation as you can get. It's by no means a good place, and I don't wanna say you're lucky, or it's no big deal, but you're starting this long process with good firm steps and that's always a plus.

[Athaelia]

I have recently ( in the past month or 2) changed my handle...and also changed my password as well; it is totally different than my 'usual' passwords. He has no clue that I even post on here...and I never ever save login info or passwords.

You all are great! I can't thank you all enough. And a special thanks to pzycho! (My only IRL friend)

[Seshat]

When your parents start making sure you 'hear all about it', lift a hand, look them in the eye, and say,

"Please stop that. I made a mistake, a bad mistake. I acknowledge it, I regret it, and I am trying to correct it. What we adults need to do now is make the best life possible for the twins - they're the helpless ones.
Yes, I am their mother and it is primarily my responsibility. But you're their grandmother/grandfather, and I would dearly love to have you in their lives, and have your help with them, and with making their lives the best we can.
Will you please help me move forward?"

Obviously, put that in your own words. And you may have to say each element separately - or say assorted bits of it many times.

Finally: I know you say you're under-educated (by the standards of your society), and are thus worried about the type of work and income you can get.

It's never too late to learn.

Some skilled jobs that require formal qualifications will be open to you: there may be government subsidies or charity programs that will provide access to the formal training.

Some skilled jobs don't require formal qualifications, though they do require significant training - usually from a mentor. Ask Jester about how one gets into bartending, if that interests you. Or being a magician, or for other advice about hospitality and entertainment. Heck, we have a LOT of people in the boards who do hospitality and entertainment, and not at the base-pay level. Some have formal qualifications - some don't.

Even in a field like computer work, which seems like 'OMGWTFBBQ of course you must have massive technical qualifications' - there are jobs where the starting requirements are an open mind, a willingness to learn, and that rarest of traits - common sense. Yes, advanced computing work requires a great deal of knowledge; but my father managed to have a 'family study time'. He studied, we did our homework and either quiet reading or study or practicing our hobbies.

(I'm sure Dad's studying got easier once we actually became proficient with music!)

[pzychobitch]

I have recently ( in the past month or 2) changed my handle...and also changed my password as well; it is totally different than my 'usual' passwords. He has no clue that I even post on here...and I never ever save login info or passwords.

You all are great! I can't thank you all enough. And a special thanks to pzycho! (My only IRL friend)

You are very welcome buddy. We are all only here to help.

[MoonCat]

I would like to add, discreetly check and see if there are any services in your town for women seeking to escape abusive relationships. They can help you put together a plan of action. It's probably best not to look via the computer unless you can wipe out any sign that you did. All you need to start is a phone number. You'll feel more confident once you know you have someone who understands (besides us, of course), someplace to go if need be, and a list of things to do to get out successfully.

[pzychobitch]

If you are concerned about keyloggers there are programs out there that will detect the keyloggers (usually free) and those that will actually remove them (those are the ones that cost money) but to me that option would best be done before everything hits the fan, if you know what i mean.