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I never thought I'd be making this post (LONG)
For those of you familiar, I have a... difficult family life. My father likes to wear the mask of an asshole sometimes, basically.
When my sister moved out for a few days, he seemed to take it as a lesson and started acting better, until Cedar Point happened.
I thought my mother was crazy. Money is tight enough as it is. It doesn't make sense to me that she'd go off on me about gas for college one moment, then decide we have money to go to an amusement park.
But she confided in me she thought it would bring our family together, and I decided to go along.
I was sick from the stomach bug, and stayed in the hotel until we went out to dinner. (Weirdest thing about the stomach bug going around here is the symptoms completely go away if you eat). Both Mom and I are gluten-intolerant, though she gets significantly worse symptoms than I do.
The restaurant seemed to decide gluten free was just a fad diet, so both my mother and I get sick.
I get a mild, persistent headache, and sleep for like, 15 hours a day. Gluten knocks me the hell out. Mom gets migraines.
So, only 2 hours later, I was asleep. I remember vaguely hearing my mother ask for a pillow, and getting it.
Reportedly, here's what happened while I was out:
My sister stayed on her laptop, and was told to go to bed. She asked to stay until 11, and my father kept telling her to put it away. Then slammed it on her hands, and told her to go to bed.
11:45, she gets up and goes outside.
11:55, she comes back in, and my father flips the fuck out.
He tells her Mom has a migraine, and we're all in the same hotel room, and she's being incredibly inconsiderate. I won't argue any of that.
But then he suggested my sister /gave/ my mother her migraine. And, if she didn't go to bed, Mom wouldn't get better. And, if Mom didn't get better, we would just get up and go home, and skip Cedar Point. And he said 'you'll be happy then.'
She started crying.
Him: Yeah, Cry!
I'm kinda:
I'm pretending to be asleep, but my sister comes over and lays on the floor next to the bed we were supposed to be sharing. I drop my body pillow down so she has something to hug and cry into.
Mom sighs and asks why she's doing that.
Sister: It'll make less noise... (the beds were creaky)
Mom: The bed doesn't bother me...
Mom gets up and hugs my sister, trying to console her.
Me: Mom, do you want some of my painkillers? (one of the myriad of linked posts explains I have them for an arthritic ankle.)
Dad: That would have been nice HOURS ago!
Me: I don't think [sister] or I knew the headache was that bad...
Mom: I had a pillow over my head. I only do that if I have a migraine.
I get out two, and give them to Mom. She takes them. Dad gets up for a smoke.
Me: I'm going to take my sister downstairs and calm her down.
Mom: I'm going for a smoke. Do what you have to do.
So I take her downstairs, and figured I was going to stay awake the rest of the night, and let her sleep in the quiet lobby.
Not even five minutes later, the elevator dings, and my father steps out.
Father: GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS NOW
Me: Okay, just let me get my keycard.
Father: NOW!
Me: *fumbles around in purse*
Father: If you don't get up there now, we're going to pack up and go home right now, and waste all that money for Cedar Point!
I find the keycard, get up, and we follow him upstairs.
Father: I wasn't going to sleep until you got back, and when you got back, you'd be waking Mom up again.
My sister and I both got into bed. I hugged her, and held her hand until she went to sleep.
After Cedar Point, my sister asked to go stay at my place so I could help her with her AP English homework.
Dad: I don't think that's what you need to be working on. You need to sleep.
Me: I have a regular sleeping schedule. Down by 10, up by 6. I can make her stick to it too.
Dad: Fine.
She came home, with the stuff she had packed for Cedar Point. I had no bed for her, so she's been sleeping on a reclining chair.
The next part, I can show you exactly, (with some redacted parts) because they were over email:
I wrote:
The conversation continues over IM, with my mother.
My mother sent a request for more pain pills since they knocked her headache out. I told her I was out, but I was going into town tomorrow. My sister joined me into town for two apple pies. (She's easy to bribe XD)
I take ten pills out of my bottle, figuring that will last her until gluten gets out of her system.
I step inside, preparing for battle, and find it rather anticlimactic to find nobody is there. I put the pills on her desk, with a sign stating 'pain pills.'
I decide to take this opportunity to slip into my sister's room and pack up some stuff to last the next few days.
My mother comes in.
Mom: What do you want?
Me: I brought you pain pills.
Mom: I think it's disgusting your sister won't come in here. Is she afraid to face us? Why? We won't hurt her. We haven't even spanked you guys before! (lie)
Me: She didn't know I was grabbing some stuff for her.
Mom: It's like we're not even allowed to be parents. We can't do normal parent things without you guys losing it. Dad just sent me up to see what you wanted.
Me: Well, I delivered pain pills.
I grab the two bags I packed, one full of clothes, and one that has her AP English book, controller, and a few other things she probably wanted or needed.
Me: Have a good day.
I drop the bags in the car, to find my sister had the exact same conversation with my mother about parenting.
My sister and I are preparing for the worst outcome... that Dad just gives up and says I get unofficial custody of my sister. We're both going on a job hunt tomorrow. I need to raise money to cover last year's heating bill before it gets too cold, which I hope on doing by selling an old desktop outfitted with Linux, and a few of my textbooks I don't think I'll use again.
Of course, if I don't get a job it doesn't matter, as I'll get kicked out of the loft (place above my parent's garage) and as my parents won't let me move back in without getting rid of a special-needs rabbit (which is fairly impossible, IMO, seeing as it was so hard to get rid of three healthy babies), I might have to face moving into my car. I have two or three people I might be able to stay with, but one of them I'd be putting in an awful position (as she's a family member), one is just a neighbour with two dogs, and another is a friend who has offered.
And today, my aunt 'randomly' showed up saying she wanted to check in on us because she loves us... and tore into the state of my apartment (in my defence, I started cleaning it yesterday, but gluten is still in my system too, and it zaps everything out of me), and if we didn't clean up our act we'd never get married and we'd be alone for the rest of our lives. Then left.
I have completely no idea how family therapy will go. I literally cannot imagine.
A friend of mine requested I video-tape it, as he expects it to be awesomely terrible, and told me we didn't need a therapist, we needed a fire-fighter.
I should add that the whole incident made my sister stop eating for about a day, and she confided in me she would have self-injured if she could have got away with it.
I have to go back to my parent's house tomorrow, as they have a printer, and we need to print out like, 50 of my sister's resume. So I may have more to add to this post tomorrow, and I certainly will Thursday.
When my sister moved out for a few days, he seemed to take it as a lesson and started acting better, until Cedar Point happened.
I thought my mother was crazy. Money is tight enough as it is. It doesn't make sense to me that she'd go off on me about gas for college one moment, then decide we have money to go to an amusement park.
But she confided in me she thought it would bring our family together, and I decided to go along.
I was sick from the stomach bug, and stayed in the hotel until we went out to dinner. (Weirdest thing about the stomach bug going around here is the symptoms completely go away if you eat). Both Mom and I are gluten-intolerant, though she gets significantly worse symptoms than I do.
The restaurant seemed to decide gluten free was just a fad diet, so both my mother and I get sick.
I get a mild, persistent headache, and sleep for like, 15 hours a day. Gluten knocks me the hell out. Mom gets migraines.
So, only 2 hours later, I was asleep. I remember vaguely hearing my mother ask for a pillow, and getting it.
Reportedly, here's what happened while I was out:
My sister stayed on her laptop, and was told to go to bed. She asked to stay until 11, and my father kept telling her to put it away. Then slammed it on her hands, and told her to go to bed.
11:45, she gets up and goes outside.
11:55, she comes back in, and my father flips the fuck out.
He tells her Mom has a migraine, and we're all in the same hotel room, and she's being incredibly inconsiderate. I won't argue any of that.
But then he suggested my sister /gave/ my mother her migraine. And, if she didn't go to bed, Mom wouldn't get better. And, if Mom didn't get better, we would just get up and go home, and skip Cedar Point. And he said 'you'll be happy then.'
She started crying.
Him: Yeah, Cry!
I'm kinda:
I'm pretending to be asleep, but my sister comes over and lays on the floor next to the bed we were supposed to be sharing. I drop my body pillow down so she has something to hug and cry into.
Mom sighs and asks why she's doing that.
Sister: It'll make less noise... (the beds were creaky)
Mom: The bed doesn't bother me...
Mom gets up and hugs my sister, trying to console her.
Me: Mom, do you want some of my painkillers? (one of the myriad of linked posts explains I have them for an arthritic ankle.)
Dad: That would have been nice HOURS ago!
Me: I don't think [sister] or I knew the headache was that bad...
Mom: I had a pillow over my head. I only do that if I have a migraine.
I get out two, and give them to Mom. She takes them. Dad gets up for a smoke.
Me: I'm going to take my sister downstairs and calm her down.
Mom: I'm going for a smoke. Do what you have to do.
So I take her downstairs, and figured I was going to stay awake the rest of the night, and let her sleep in the quiet lobby.
Not even five minutes later, the elevator dings, and my father steps out.
Father: GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS NOW
Me: Okay, just let me get my keycard.
Father: NOW!
Me: *fumbles around in purse*
Father: If you don't get up there now, we're going to pack up and go home right now, and waste all that money for Cedar Point!
I find the keycard, get up, and we follow him upstairs.
Father: I wasn't going to sleep until you got back, and when you got back, you'd be waking Mom up again.
My sister and I both got into bed. I hugged her, and held her hand until she went to sleep.
After Cedar Point, my sister asked to go stay at my place so I could help her with her AP English homework.
Dad: I don't think that's what you need to be working on. You need to sleep.
Me: I have a regular sleeping schedule. Down by 10, up by 6. I can make her stick to it too.
Dad: Fine.
She came home, with the stuff she had packed for Cedar Point. I had no bed for her, so she's been sleeping on a reclining chair.
The next part, I can show you exactly, (with some redacted parts) because they were over email:
I will go to bed this evening hurt and disappointed. [sister] you showed serious disrespect to me several times last night. In the household I grew up in disrespect and deceit were dealt with in a strict manner. I felt the first time I told you to turn off the computer and go to bed, you should have done it. The 2nd time when I got out of bed and very clearly told you to “put the computer away” that I was extremely clear. Then came the third time on the deck, and the 4th time downstairs. The way I was raised, that level of disrespect would have resulted in never seeing that computer again, period, no discussion. You never apologized and in my opinion you lied about why you are at [Cooper's] right now. You never said thank you for the trip, you did not even bother to say goodbye.
[Cooper] in my opinion when you went downstairs with her to “get her to stop crying” you should have been adult enough and smart enough to tell her not to bring the computer. When you both left, you guaranteed that I still would not be able to go to sleep until you came back. I wonder how you both feel about me but I love you both. There was no way I could fall asleep until you were back. I also figured it guaranteed that Mom would be woke up again when you came back. Then I had to tell both of you 2-3 times to come back on the elevator before either of you moved. Again, disrespect.
I felt my father was too strict. Probably thought about him many times the way you both think about me. I tried to change hopefully for the better in the way I raised my children. But I will say this, I never treated my father nearly as poorly as the way I feel I am treated yesterday and today. I told you I adjusted how I raised you kids based on the way I felt growing up. If you do the same, I hope you do better than I feel I have done.
Good night girls, I love you both.
Dad
[Cooper] in my opinion when you went downstairs with her to “get her to stop crying” you should have been adult enough and smart enough to tell her not to bring the computer. When you both left, you guaranteed that I still would not be able to go to sleep until you came back. I wonder how you both feel about me but I love you both. There was no way I could fall asleep until you were back. I also figured it guaranteed that Mom would be woke up again when you came back. Then I had to tell both of you 2-3 times to come back on the elevator before either of you moved. Again, disrespect.
I felt my father was too strict. Probably thought about him many times the way you both think about me. I tried to change hopefully for the better in the way I raised my children. But I will say this, I never treated my father nearly as poorly as the way I feel I am treated yesterday and today. I told you I adjusted how I raised you kids based on the way I felt growing up. If you do the same, I hope you do better than I feel I have done.
Good night girls, I love you both.
Dad
[sister] is staying here for her emotional health. She needs some distance from the situation. I want to stress I did not invite her. This was not an attempt to drive a wedge between you and her. [He has accused me of this several times before] She asked me to stay, and I have a policy in that I will never reject her request to stay. I made it clear to her the day I moved out, that she was always welcome here. It's up to you guys to get her to come back, or make her come back.
[sister] apologized several times for last night, and felt she was getting dismissed, especially when you belittled her for crying.
I feel some of the things you said were unfair. Neither [sister] nor I were aware Mom's headache was as bad as it was. [sister] claims she didn't hear you the first time. Of course I would have offered Mom a painkiller if I was aware she had a migraine, but it appears I was asleep for most of the signs.
When we went downstairs, the plan was not to return to the room. I figured I had five hours of sleep, which was what I had functioned on the previous day, so I felt I was fine, and I felt [sister] would tire herself out fairly quickly, and she would sleep in the upper lobby, while I would use my computer to kill time until morning. I will admit that I didn't consider you being worried about us.
[Sister] and I weren't aware until the third time you talked about it how bad Mom's headache was. [Sister] says she couldn't hear through her headphones, and I was already drifting in and out of consciousness.
When you get that mad at us, I feel like pulling a rabbit; staying as still as possible. I know it makes you more upset, but I can't help it; it's an instinctual response. I clasped onto the card as an excuse for not moving, I admit.
We do care about you. I admit to having demonized you in the past, so I could handle our sometimes tumultuous relationship. After therapy it was clear what I was doing, and it wasn't necessary anymore anyway.
I really want to discuss this in family therapy. It wasn't an attempt to make guidelines for me moving back in--if I wanted to move back in I wouldn't have put out over a hundred applications. It was an attempt to stop fights like these before they happen, because they aren't good for any of us. We need to be able to discuss things like this in a safe zone with a neutral moderator, and our therapist is good at what he does, and is capable of that.
-[Cooper]
P.S. I put [sister] to bed hours ago. I read the letter just before I was going to go to sleep, and it took me several hours to think of a response. I'm in the bathroom, with the light off, so she hasn't been woken up, and the alarm is still set for a reasonable time--8. Not perfect, but it's getting there.
[sister] apologized several times for last night, and felt she was getting dismissed, especially when you belittled her for crying.
I feel some of the things you said were unfair. Neither [sister] nor I were aware Mom's headache was as bad as it was. [sister] claims she didn't hear you the first time. Of course I would have offered Mom a painkiller if I was aware she had a migraine, but it appears I was asleep for most of the signs.
When we went downstairs, the plan was not to return to the room. I figured I had five hours of sleep, which was what I had functioned on the previous day, so I felt I was fine, and I felt [sister] would tire herself out fairly quickly, and she would sleep in the upper lobby, while I would use my computer to kill time until morning. I will admit that I didn't consider you being worried about us.
[Sister] and I weren't aware until the third time you talked about it how bad Mom's headache was. [Sister] says she couldn't hear through her headphones, and I was already drifting in and out of consciousness.
When you get that mad at us, I feel like pulling a rabbit; staying as still as possible. I know it makes you more upset, but I can't help it; it's an instinctual response. I clasped onto the card as an excuse for not moving, I admit.
We do care about you. I admit to having demonized you in the past, so I could handle our sometimes tumultuous relationship. After therapy it was clear what I was doing, and it wasn't necessary anymore anyway.
I really want to discuss this in family therapy. It wasn't an attempt to make guidelines for me moving back in--if I wanted to move back in I wouldn't have put out over a hundred applications. It was an attempt to stop fights like these before they happen, because they aren't good for any of us. We need to be able to discuss things like this in a safe zone with a neutral moderator, and our therapist is good at what he does, and is capable of that.
-[Cooper]
P.S. I put [sister] to bed hours ago. I read the letter just before I was going to go to sleep, and it took me several hours to think of a response. I'm in the bathroom, with the light off, so she hasn't been woken up, and the alarm is still set for a reasonable time--8. Not perfect, but it's getting there.
From this letter, you are still demonizing me and I am done. [sister] apologized for waking Mom, that is not my point. [sister] did not hear me the first time? That’s a lie because she responded. 10 more minutes, 2nd time, 6 more minutes. [sister] cannot honestly say she did not hear me. Then it was under the covers when I closed her computer. Then on the patio. I was repeatedly clear, heard and ignored. Just as I feel happens over and over. I know, I am a demon and you two are abused. Personally, I feel I am the abused one.
You both show me no respect. If I can’t make her put her computer away, I certainly cannot make her come home. If you are going to therapy, then you need to be honest with yourselves. I hope you two have a good life together.
Dad
You both show me no respect. If I can’t make her put her computer away, I certainly cannot make her come home. If you are going to therapy, then you need to be honest with yourselves. I hope you two have a good life together.
Dad
Mom: Dad is pretty upset and I just don't know what to do from here.
I told him we should go and try the therapy session and he said he would
so, you can set it up. But it has to be like 6:30 or 7 pm so we can make it.
Me: I guess [sister] is staying here until the therapy session, since Dad just sent a wish we had a good life.
Mom: he's mad and frustrated.
We both are kind of feeling like you both don't really care how we feel
you probably feel the same .. but in a family there has to be consideration all around
so I am hoping doing to the therapy will help us all understand each other better
we can't stop being parents because [sister's] feelings got hurt because she wasn't thinking of anyone but herself
your dad was trying to point that out .. and maybe he didn't do a good job at it
she was told several times to shut off the computer .. and isn't there usually consequences when kids disregard their parents?
Me: [sister] was being inconsiderate, and she agrees, and I agree. What he was upset about can't be denied, but he went on to imply that she caused your headache, and if you didn't recover we were going to waste that money and it would be all her fault.
And money has become a sore spot with all of us I think.
Thursday the 29th at 8 is the appointment. The place is [place]. [Directions]
Mom: I know where it is
I didn't agree with that statement from him as I would have sent you all in the park if I wasn't feeling up to it
Me: I know. And we did have fun at the park. Every roller coaster ride we went on was awesome.
Mom: it was great .. and it's too bad all this has dimmed my enjoyment
Me: I agree.
Mom: dad just feels he's being blamed for everything and is lashing out
I do feel he's gotten the raw end of the deal here .. he loves you both but he feels he can't say or do anything any normal parent can do without being made out to be the bad guy
Cooper: I had a much longer letter I decided not to send where I acknowledged your guys's upbringings and how you guys were a lot better than that.
I also acknowledged that [sister's] and my issues ([sister's] aspergers, my depression and anxiety) have colored our perception of everything negatively, where sometimes we create situations where there are none. I worry [sister] is showing up with depression too, especially with how she's reacted after this last fight.
Mom: she has always been extremely sensitive and we know that
but her computer has become way more important than anything else. She doesn't participate in the real world and doesn't really care to
I just don't know what to do .. and I told your dad therapy can't hurt and maybe we'll all understand each other better at least
he's going because I asked him to .. and it's a good first step
we'll just go from there
I told him we should go and try the therapy session and he said he would
so, you can set it up. But it has to be like 6:30 or 7 pm so we can make it.
Me: I guess [sister] is staying here until the therapy session, since Dad just sent a wish we had a good life.
Mom: he's mad and frustrated.
We both are kind of feeling like you both don't really care how we feel
you probably feel the same .. but in a family there has to be consideration all around
so I am hoping doing to the therapy will help us all understand each other better
we can't stop being parents because [sister's] feelings got hurt because she wasn't thinking of anyone but herself
your dad was trying to point that out .. and maybe he didn't do a good job at it
she was told several times to shut off the computer .. and isn't there usually consequences when kids disregard their parents?
Me: [sister] was being inconsiderate, and she agrees, and I agree. What he was upset about can't be denied, but he went on to imply that she caused your headache, and if you didn't recover we were going to waste that money and it would be all her fault.
And money has become a sore spot with all of us I think.
Thursday the 29th at 8 is the appointment. The place is [place]. [Directions]
Mom: I know where it is
I didn't agree with that statement from him as I would have sent you all in the park if I wasn't feeling up to it
Me: I know. And we did have fun at the park. Every roller coaster ride we went on was awesome.
Mom: it was great .. and it's too bad all this has dimmed my enjoyment
Me: I agree.
Mom: dad just feels he's being blamed for everything and is lashing out
I do feel he's gotten the raw end of the deal here .. he loves you both but he feels he can't say or do anything any normal parent can do without being made out to be the bad guy
Cooper: I had a much longer letter I decided not to send where I acknowledged your guys's upbringings and how you guys were a lot better than that.
I also acknowledged that [sister's] and my issues ([sister's] aspergers, my depression and anxiety) have colored our perception of everything negatively, where sometimes we create situations where there are none. I worry [sister] is showing up with depression too, especially with how she's reacted after this last fight.
Mom: she has always been extremely sensitive and we know that
but her computer has become way more important than anything else. She doesn't participate in the real world and doesn't really care to
I just don't know what to do .. and I told your dad therapy can't hurt and maybe we'll all understand each other better at least
he's going because I asked him to .. and it's a good first step
we'll just go from there
I take ten pills out of my bottle, figuring that will last her until gluten gets out of her system.
I step inside, preparing for battle, and find it rather anticlimactic to find nobody is there. I put the pills on her desk, with a sign stating 'pain pills.'
I decide to take this opportunity to slip into my sister's room and pack up some stuff to last the next few days.
My mother comes in.
Mom: What do you want?
Me: I brought you pain pills.
Mom: I think it's disgusting your sister won't come in here. Is she afraid to face us? Why? We won't hurt her. We haven't even spanked you guys before! (lie)
Me: She didn't know I was grabbing some stuff for her.
Mom: It's like we're not even allowed to be parents. We can't do normal parent things without you guys losing it. Dad just sent me up to see what you wanted.
Me: Well, I delivered pain pills.
I grab the two bags I packed, one full of clothes, and one that has her AP English book, controller, and a few other things she probably wanted or needed.
Me: Have a good day.
I drop the bags in the car, to find my sister had the exact same conversation with my mother about parenting.
My sister and I are preparing for the worst outcome... that Dad just gives up and says I get unofficial custody of my sister. We're both going on a job hunt tomorrow. I need to raise money to cover last year's heating bill before it gets too cold, which I hope on doing by selling an old desktop outfitted with Linux, and a few of my textbooks I don't think I'll use again.
Of course, if I don't get a job it doesn't matter, as I'll get kicked out of the loft (place above my parent's garage) and as my parents won't let me move back in without getting rid of a special-needs rabbit (which is fairly impossible, IMO, seeing as it was so hard to get rid of three healthy babies), I might have to face moving into my car. I have two or three people I might be able to stay with, but one of them I'd be putting in an awful position (as she's a family member), one is just a neighbour with two dogs, and another is a friend who has offered.
And today, my aunt 'randomly' showed up saying she wanted to check in on us because she loves us... and tore into the state of my apartment (in my defence, I started cleaning it yesterday, but gluten is still in my system too, and it zaps everything out of me), and if we didn't clean up our act we'd never get married and we'd be alone for the rest of our lives. Then left.
I have completely no idea how family therapy will go. I literally cannot imagine.
A friend of mine requested I video-tape it, as he expects it to be awesomely terrible, and told me we didn't need a therapist, we needed a fire-fighter.
I should add that the whole incident made my sister stop eating for about a day, and she confided in me she would have self-injured if she could have got away with it.
I have to go back to my parent's house tomorrow, as they have a printer, and we need to print out like, 50 of my sister's resume. So I may have more to add to this post tomorrow, and I certainly will Thursday.
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