I never thought I'd be making this post (LONG)

[Cooper]

http://cooper1994.deviantart.com/gallery/44499231 Edit: Note on link, after I started putting up my urbex photos I stripped it of most of my personal information, so it's about as much as it is here, so privacy shouldn't be too big of a concern.

My latest set is undeniably the coolest.

And yes, the closet was another one. Excluding the time I slept in it (I had an airbed in there) which actually helped with the whole axe-murderer fear, the closet door was to be shut at all times.

Yeah, as I was trying to explain to my parents, now that I'm on medication my anxiety is largely about practical things. For example, putting together a decent enough multi-media portfolio to get into the art section of the 4 year I want to go to, for art education.

Of course, I imagine I'll have to re-upload almost all of them soon, as I got a hold of Photoshop CS2, and have been using the more powerful photo-manipulation software (than what I had), and skills I picked up from a book about processing photos digitally, to re-process all of my photos. Some have had amazing results. Others I had to say goodbye to.

And after I get proper urbex tools, I plan on making a trip to Flint, and a trip to Detroit. With Detroit, I have a guide. Flint I'll be doing on my own, and I'll probably do it after Detroit. Because even people in Michigan are kinda scared of Detroit. XP

[Aethian]

Go with more then one person for both Flint and Detroit, both cities have gotten very dangerous lately.

[Seshat]

A partial list of my fears, Cooper, for you to compare with yours.

* Going blind. Actually semi-rational: my right eye has a touch of macular degeneration, and is badly keratoconic. The left eye is mildly keratoconic. And I'm at risk for diabetic retinopathy. BUT: I see a good optometrist regularly, and everything's being monitored.

* Losing the use of my hands.

* Going outside. At all. The sun is not my friend. No weather is my friend. The sky is scary. The world is so bright, and busy, and LOUD. And stinky, and 'taste-y', and things touch me.

* Being so far from home (and relative safety) that it's difficult and painful to get back. Rational fear.
Being so far from home that I can't make it back without help. Also rational.

* People. Saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing. Upsetting them. Or them becoming upset for no reason I can figure out. Being hit or hurt for no reason I can figure out. Being hated so much they want to hurt me or kill me, for no reason I can understand.
Semi-rational to rational: I was the victim of such severe emotional and sometimes physical bullying at school that at one time, a group of year 9 girls tried to drown me in the school pool. I was year 12. The supervising teacher did nothing.

* At home: hurting or upsetting my loves. At all, for any reason.
Injuring myself when there's noone around to help me.
Being unable to move.
Having the house NOT locked. I can't stand it. If we had the money, I'd secure the house so tightly it'd look like Fort Knox.
Too much light.
Too much noise.
Having people come over, even if I know them. But I also want to talk to people; I have enough social-ness in me that I crave interaction. But I'm terrified of it.


* Having someone/something come and hurt me, wherever I am. At home, out and about. Shadows - any shadows - are terrifying. Moving things I haven't identified are scary. Strangers are scary. Even friends and known people can be scary.


It's not that I'm scared of pain. I endure severe pain for the sake of releasing trigger points every week. It's that ... 'hurt', in this sense means more than simple physical pain. There's a deep emotional component to it as well.

[Cooper]

Thankfully Seeshat, I'm not that bad. Though apparently, at the height of my anxiety, locking the doors in my sleep was a thing I did regularly. And my family never locks their doors, so it became quite problematic.

[Cooper]

And another Dad update. He figured out I was mad at him, and we had a bit of a bonding session, so I guess I could say we're back on shaky footing.

[Cooper]

My psych test results are in, and I've had an appointment set for going there and discussing it. My mother is coming along. I don't expect my father to, but she'll pass along the information.

[Cooper]

Things have been quiet here. My parents are already giving up on some of their plans, though I'm giving them a bit of leeway as an 'adaption.' They've been telling us we were going to clean up after dinner. I'm not present for dinner three days a week, and my parents keep going out to eat. But the one time we did have dinner at home, my father said "we should do the 15 minutes of cleaning." He looks around, and finds no evidence of anything.

My sister and I have both decided to permanently stick to our rooms, so we never leave anything in the areas they can see. I only come out when they're gone. I guess I'm still hurting, more than I realize. The next therapy session is in two days. I know I have one thing I want to bring up, but other than that, I don't really know what we'll talk about. (The fact that they can't go off on me about money, then want to go out to eat.)