Two pieces of advice requested -- anniversary coming up

[ArcticChicken]

If I've understood what you have to say correctly -

1. You've BOTH agreed not to have any more children
2. She can't use the pill
3. YOU don't like using condoms, and have offered to get a vasectomy
4. SHE is not comfortable with you getting a vasectomy
5. You haven't really talked about it much.

Step one is to talk to her about it. If she's really not comfortable with you getting a vasectomy, I honestly feel like it's her responsibility to at least think about another option. Can she get a non-hormonal IUD, or even a hormonal one?

[NorthernZel]

Chiming in with the others.

There are other alternatives than "the snip" - beads implantations, IUDs (hormonal or not), diaphrams, depot shots etc. I'd say that a non hormonal IUD is the easiest and least invasive procedure (can be done at the PCP and lasts 5 years) but YMMV.

Regarding the babysitting issue, if there are medical reasons behind, could it be a possibility to check out local resources that deal with the diagnosis at hand?

[Ophbalance]

What's the procedure for that actually like? How long does it take, what's the recovery time, and how long do you have to use protection afterward before you're "clean"? I've heard the procedure is simple, and low-pain, and it's one of those where you can resume "normal activity" in a couple of days (though I understand frozen peas may be involved). I've also heard that protection must be used for up to 3 months (I guess this depends on intimate activity), or until 2 clean samples are returned. Does that sound about right? And if you don't mind me asking, what was the cost of it?

It was, fairly embarrassing, and mildly uncomfortable. Although this is highly TMI, I'm highly sensitive "down there". From what I can tell the method used was to numb the area, clamp down the vas deferens, then cut and tie (or cauterize, I cannot recall). It was me, the doc, and his (female) nurse. So... just a bit weird for me.

The longest part was just waiting for the anesthesia to work it's way in. The actual procedure might have lasted 15 minutes.

Now, the pain. Again... sensitive for me down there. It was a radiating ache, but keeping on top of the pain meds and anti-inflammatory really helped. It was no worse than a bad kick to the groin, but OY steps were a bitch those first few days.

The worst of it was over in about a week and the weight lifting restrictions ended around that time as well, if memory serves. But it's going to be black/blue/purple for a good few weeks. I went back in at maybe the month mark to give a sample and was clean. I've not been back for a follow up since, and don't recall it being a requirement.

The cost for me was almost nothing. At the time I had a high deductible plan and had almost met our annual out of pocket max. Typically my family hits the max's for insurance right around the March timeframe... which is sad, really. So lucky for me our insurance covered it as a form of birth control.

[mjr]

When does the kid go to bed?

Usually, he's in bed by 8:30 PM.

Could you find a movie that is special to you both, or make a fancy late-night, child-free dinner?

Well, our tastes in movies overlap a little, and I'm not sure what you mean by "fancy late night dinner".

Or board games/video games, maybe just something you wouldn't do usually?

Well, we don't really have video games at my house, and we do occasionally play board games.

1. You've BOTH agreed not to have any more children

Essentially, yes. We originally wanted 2, but due to complications during the pregnancy, we decided not to have any more. If we would have understood what was going on at the time, she tells me she might have considered a tubal ligation.

2. She can't use the pill

Correct. Though she is basing this on her college days. She assumes that she would experience the same sort of "Side effects" that she got previously.

3. YOU don't like using condoms, and have offered to get a vasectomy

Partially correct. I don't like using the condoms all the time. That is true. Basically, we used them when we were dating, stopped immediately after we got married, and then started using them again after our son was born. So it's basically only been about a year of "unwrapped" intimacy in the almost 10 years we've been married.

As far as the vasectomy, I haven't exactly offered, but I have mentioned it in a way that she knew it was something I was considering (or would consider).

4. SHE is not comfortable with you getting a vasectomy

To my knowledge, this is correct.

5. You haven't really talked about it much.

Correct.

Step one is to talk to her about it. If she's really not comfortable with you getting a vasectomy, I honestly feel like it's her responsibility to at least think about another option. Can she get a non-hormonal IUD, or even a hormonal one?

I don't think she's a fan of IUDs, either. I don't know that she's tried them, but I guess she's read enough that I think an IUD is probably out of the question.

beads implantations

This method intrigues me. I can't really find anything on it. Is it offered in the U.S.? How effective is it? Do the beads feel funny?

The actual procedure might have lasted 15 minutes.

Sorry to pry. Was yours the "no scalpel" kind?

It was no worse than a bad kick to the groin, but OY steps were a bitch those first few days.

Hmmm...how long did the "bad kick to the groin" pain last? I'm usually good about taking any prescribed medications, so that part wouldn't be an issue.

I've not been back for a follow up since, and don't recall it being a requirement.

I've researched places that say they want 2 clean samples, but that's probably a safeguard.

[Ophbalance]

Hmm... I couldn't actually see what was happening (and to be quite honest, had ZERO desire to actually see what was happening), but the incision made was tiny. Enough to pull out the vas deferens, cut & tie, then re-insert. There were no stitches involved, just glue.

The pain was more an ache. A tenderness perhaps would be a better description? It was bad the first few days, and if memory serves I was only given enough strong meds to last a week. I chose to do my surgery on a Friday to give myself the weekend to re-cooperate, and was back to work then that following Monday. My biggest problem was having young kids that like to crawl up on your lap . I would say that you can be up to 90% after the first two weeks and then 100% at the month mark.

[sms001]

I think that now that you are considering it more seriously and in what sounds like a different mindset the talk about you getting the procedure might go differently. Get Junior to bed and have a serious sit down. Make it clear that you are ready willing and able, and that it will benefit you. I could be way off base in your wife's case, but some women view vasectomies as a sacrifice the man is making for them (So that SHE doesn't get pregnant, so that SHE doesn't have to use bc, etc.) and that's a pretty big 'favor' to have hanging over her head. Make it clear that this benefits both of you.

I'm at a loss on the big anniversary thing. I have to assume that you do romantic stuff as possible given your situation and you'd like to go a little above and beyond for this significant number. I like the re-creation ideas. Was there any previous anniversary celebration that seemed to really strike a chord in her? If you had a religious ceremony, maybe you could renew your vows? A really splurgy champagne and high-end dinner at home?

[AnaKhouri]

How whimsical are you guys? You could do a craft! Make holiday decorations, or tie-dye shirts. Learn the Thriller dance together!

By special dinner I meant something you don't normally have. Like, I don't love cooking but for our anniversary this year I made Beef Wellington, which is more complex and time-consuming (and yummy) than what I would do on a normal day. Or just order to go from a fancy restaurant.

[Dentarthurdent]

I find that sex is much more enjoyable now that I'm not freaking out every time my period is an hour late.

Wha...bu...an hour? I guess my thyroid issues mean I wasn't aware there were periods so regular you could set your watch by them. I mean, sure, at one point I could set a calendar by my period...

[mjr]

So I guess now it's just a matter of figuring out when to talk to her. She's a bit under the weather right now, so I don't want to bring it up immediately. I figure, though, that if I get this done sometime in the winter, then by the time May rolls around I should easily be good to go...

I'm just hoping this is either something I can get done locally, or I can get done by myself. My wife really doesn't drive out of town, and I don't know if this is something where I can drive immediately after...

As far as the anniversary, I'm still not sure what to do. I want to make it really, really good.

[Ophbalance]

So I guess now it's just a matter of figuring out when to talk to her. She's a bit under the weather right now, so I don't want to bring it up immediately. I figure, though, that if I get this done sometime in the winter, then by the time May rolls around I should easily be good to go...

I'm just hoping this is either something I can get done locally, or I can get done by myself. My wife really doesn't drive out of town, and I don't know if this is something where I can drive immediately after...

As far as the anniversary, I'm still not sure what to do. I want to make it really, really good.

I had to have a driver. But that seems typical for local anesthesia.

[BroSCFischer]

I am much more able to offer advice on number two, than on number one.

First step would be to check out What hotels are available in the area you are looking to vacation in. Websites like Kayak.com are pretty good for this, as they provide listings for hotels from multiple chains, as well as a general price range.

Next, look up the hotels that meet you price requirements on a review website (like TripAdvisor) to get an idea of what it would be like to stay there. While you are at it, look up the rates they have available for the days you would like to stay on the hotel's webpage, and via Online Travel Agencies like Orbitz, Expedia, etc.

Then, call the individual hotels that both look good, and seem to be priced right to find out what the hotels quoted rate is for the days you are booking. Now is the time to try and negotiate it down based on the information you retrieved online, however, some hotels only offer those rates through those agencies, and thus they may not be available through the hotel directly. Also, check if they have anything special available for anniversaries, as they may offer you a better rate for that.

Do all of this within the next month!

You mentioned your anniversary is in May, and that you live near a city. Chances are there is at least one College or University near you. Their big graduation's are in May. On top of that, this is when business can really start picking up in general for hotels. Also, Mother's Day is in this month, so you may have Husbands trying to do something romantic for their Wives for that. If you book the room NOW, you may be able to get a better deal than if you wait until March/April. If you try to book that in MAY for a weekend, you'll either be a dead duck, or pay through the nose.

Good Luck,

SC

[mjr]

Do all of this within the next month!

You mentioned your anniversary is in May, and that you live near a city.
SC

Well, there's a pretty nice Hotel/Convention Center probably 50 miles from where we live.

We're not really "vacationing". I don't know if that particular hotel/convention center has discounts through the websites/services you mention. I checked on their website, and it seems that their rooms are in the neighborhood of $230-$380 per night...

Staying in a hotel for that night would be nice, but I don't know that it's feasible (see my initial statement about a babysitter).

[BroSCFischer]

I Understand the babysitter could be an issue, but do you have a family member that could watch him for the night? Or does he have a friend that might be willing to let him stay over?

If nothing else, you could bring him along, and make it a family outing, just to get away from it all for a night.

SC

[mjr]

If nothing else, you could bring him along, and make it a family outing, just to get away from it all for a night.

SC

This is actually what I'd consider doing, if we decide to go the hotel route.

I know some hotels offer "anniversary" packages, but I don't know if we could get one of those where we could get a suite with 2 bedrooms.

[mjr]

Update...

I think I'm very, very close to bringing up "the snip". We'd been talking off and on about various birth control methods all day, and topics semi-related to them.

I mentioned "the snip", but not in the context of "I'm thinking of getting 'the snip', what do you think??"

So I think I'm close...