Advice and Vent: Hubby BFF

[TawnyMyst]

As a railroader who does the same job as your husband does, he's playing with fire! I can't have even a single drink within twelve hours of a shift, can be randomly piss tested at any moment and may be asked to provide blood for more in depth testing if it's suspected I've had something or there's been an incident. It's considered a safety critical position and under federal rules, FRA in the states and TC in Canada. Also, an industry currently under a microscope. This "gentleman" could not only cost you your house under the lease you signed but your husband his job.

I can tell you right now he won't be hired, part of he hiring process is a full medical, including a blood screening for drug and alcohol testing. If he enjoys the marijuana as you say he does, he won't pass. Based on his testing, if your husband recommended him for the job, they may require your husband to do further tests as well.

[cleorose]

Thank you guys for listening to me vent. I know you have better things to do. Hubby is a machinist. He does not go out on the road, but if there is an incident he would be drug tested. While I would obviously love him to quit smoking or drinking, after 13 years its unlikely to happen. He had a bad time in Iraq. His PTSD which we are still working on getting his VA money for is pretty nasty. He has nightmares still. To him the alcohol allows him to sleep with little to no dreams. Or at the least no memory of said dreams. Most of the sleeping pills OTC or prescription are not allowed by the railroad at all. So he can not take those.

As someone who chooses a sober lifestyle. (No drinking, smoking or drugs) It is hard for me to understand anyone with a family in a tight spot financially would put any money into that junk but its me.

While most of the time our decisions are mutual. This is one of those things I feared hubby would send him the money for the ticket behind my back.

From 2001 to 2005 we had a rough time in our marriage. Hubby was not faithful. And his friends helped make his habits worse. It was not until we got out from under his family and friends, that our marriage improved. We were separated for almost 3 years out of the first 6 years of our marriage. (Two separations and One deployment). Alot of people said we would NOT make it because we met and literally fell in love in a matter of weeks. We had a long engagement but it was long distance. We met in May 2000, Engaged June 2000, Married May 2001.

Hubby is one of those people that does well when he does not have the outside influence from his past. I like his family. Genuinely. His parents call me for everything. They adore our kids. Helped raise our kids. But as for living near them its never been good for us.

Thats why I am grateful to have the 600+ miles between us. Hubby and his friend can not just go to the bar and drink and then drive home or wherever. As they would back in Indiana. Here he will walk to and from the bar if he feels the need to drink. At home in Indiana he will drink 18 beers EASILY. Here he is done at 6. He can not have any hard liquor. And his BFF likes the whiskey and vodka. Those make hubby really really violent. Which is another one of my motives.

As for concern about friend making moves. I am SOOOO not his type. I am not the skinny promiscous bimbo type. I am the fat ugly momma bear of three kids type. And I have a nasty temper. I am more likely to do something to HIM if he came here than him to me. Last nasty encounter I had, I went and got the shotgun. He was gone before I came out with a loaded gun. Me+ BFF = Jail time for one of us.

I think hubby is lonely for friendship. His friends are all far away. And he thinks this is the solution. Its not.

In any case its been put on the back burner. His nephew has asked if we would consider letting him come stay with us. Apparently KS is the new hot spot. The problem is he wants to bring his GF and two little girls with him. And we tried to tell him it would be better to come up here, get a job, get settled and then bring the kids. Its hard to be separated from them, we know. But its the best way.
And thats from experience.

He has to pay off his restitution from his parole or whatever first before he can be cleared to come here so we got a few months. At least with his nephew on the plate, he won't even consider his BFF til we are sure whats gonna happen.

His nephew is a good kid. He has taken the boys trick or treating for me a few times. He helps with housework and chores. Not a smart ass type you want to punch in the mouth. Just one of those kids that had the wrong friends and followed their lead. Him I could tolerate.

Crazy life we got over here.

[Tama]

Slime balls hit on any woman...and I'm sure you're radiant and beautiful. :-)

So his friends aren't around -- that is the issue. Either way you have to make it clear that Slimeball is NOT welcome to live at your place. The landlord's insistence is convenient, and as everyone says...Slimeball plus your house equals you maybe being homeless. As was suggested, please do tip off the landlord if Slimeball is given a positive answer...

It also sounds like he would encourage your husband's vices to no end -- I'm guessing binge drinking may happen. And given that your husband has been unfaithful before, plus the whispering Slimeball does about him needing better...

(And why do I picture if he does hit on you, hubby would believe Slimeball if he said you had done it, and not him?)

[Jester]

I believe the standard for men is no more than 2 drinks in a day, and no more than 7 in a week.

What standard is that? If it's a standard in certain fields of work, I will say no more. If it's a general standard you're referring to that men should adhere to, I will very much disagree with you, for both personal and practical reasons.

Personal: there are many times when I will have more than 7 drinks in a day. Today was such a day. And I'm just fine. And then there are days where I don't drink at all.

Practical: I weigh a hair under 160 lbs. I have a friend who weighs about 320. It's illogical that I and someone twice my weight would or should adhere to the same drinking limitations.

[MoonCat]

Jester, it's what doctors recommend for general health reasons. I'm making no comments about your drinking habits or anything like that...none of my business. Just telling you where that 2 drinks thing comes from.

[Jester]

MoonCat, fair enough. And it does go right along with something I've been saying for a while, actually. My doctor told me it's healthy to have a drink or two a day. Right now, I'm about 15 years ahead of schedule!

[wolfie]

By that analogy, I need to gain about 6 inches in height.

[taxguykarl]

Agreed with keeping BFF out and as far as possible. I agree with mentioning this to landlord. As for friends, I think you may want to help your husband find some new ones in your new neck of the woods.