Online dating

[Eireann]

As you know, I've been dealing with a health issue for several months now. I had extensive surgery last month, and chemo just started up again.

Not long after I returned from the hospital following surgery, I got a message on a dating site where I'm a member. This guy has a lot in common with me, and we've been chatting pretty frequently. I'm being careful, of course, and not telling him too much about myself.

He doesn't know about my health issue. We've only been chatting for a few weeks, and I feel it's much too early to tell him about it. My question is, when would be the best time to tell him? After the treatment ends, assuming that we're still chatting? Months after it ends? I haven't been in a relationship (if you can call it that) in ages, and I honestly don't know how to behave with a decent guy. I've been on the shelf for a hell of a long time.

Advice?

[Ironclad Alibi]

I suggest telling him now. A woman I once dated told me about her health problem on our first date. We kept dating and later stopped for other reasons.

But ask yourself this: Do you want him to stop seeing you when you tell him now? Or do you want him to stop seeing you when you tell him 6 months from now when you tell him then? Assuming it will be the reason he stops seeing you.

[Eireann]

We're not seeing each other, unless you count messaging online as "seeing." I don't have much of an emotional investment now. He seems like a genuinely good guy, and I enjoy our correspondence, but we've never spoken. We don't even know each other's names yet. If he stopped messaging me right now, I'd just go on with my life. What I'm wondering is, how much information is too much at this point?

[csquared]

This is one tough question. As I think about this, so many facets keep popping up. Now or later. There are situations where you could win or lose no matter which path you take. Personally, I would want to find out sooner if this is a deal breaker for him.

I the end, I think that you are going to have to throw your dice and accept what you role.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[taxguykarl]

On our first date, Mrs. TGK explained her neuromuscular disorder. Better to get that issue out in the open sooner than later.

[Victory Sabre]

As a post middle aged single guy, who uses online dating, I have to say that I'd rather know about health issues sooner rather than later. A gal, whom I dated for a bit, told me right away she was no longer able to have kids. It didn't turn me off. Honesty, in the long run, is the best policy in my book.

[Eireann]

I told him, and I was surprised by his reaction.

Not only was he very understanding, but he said that he feels closer to me now. And he wants me in his life.

[Kit-Ginevra]

Excellent- I was going to agree with the others that yes I'd tell him-then you wouldn't have to worry that you were hiding something from him and if he had any problems with it then at least you'd know at the start of the relationship. He sounds like a good guy - now the ultimate test-let the CS gang loose on him. If he can survive us, he's a keeper....

[Eireann]

I just don't know. He seemed rather forceful when he said he wanted me in his life. And when I said I was surprised, he thought I didn't want him to continue to correspond with me. Then he said he might have spoken too soon, and he'd like to hear from me. It all seems too ... something.

[csquared]

It could be that he wanted to "give the right answer" and came on too strong. Could be that he had his heart in the right place, brain not fully engaged.

Give him a chance, but keep your eyes open. Abusers look for an excuse to be needed. They want to make you feel indebted. Don't allow him to take care of you too much.

[Eireann]

We don't even live in the same country. All we've done is chat online. So, he's not taking care of me at all. And I wouldn't expect it.

[Eireann]

Now, he has removed his profile from the dating site. So that's that.