Having trouble dealing with emotions (warning: long and emotional)

[Seshat]

I agree with cutenoob.

Do whichever you can get started on first - the drugs or the 'talking therapy'. Pick up the second as soon as its available.

Also, try http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/

[KiaKat]

I'll....third? Fourth? Whatever... on the drugs-first advice. Until that chemical imbalance is lessened, you won't be able to deal with the emotional problems.

When I was about 24, around the time that I started to hit *real* adulthood (long story), I started to come out of what appears to have been a nearly-15-year severe depression. Severe enough (and constant enough) that I didn't even recognize that I was in it, I just thought that it was all due to the circumstances I was in. So I kept changing my circumstances. Every six months. Job. Home. Sexual partner. Roommate. It was the most unstable I've ever been. Right around the time I settled into a *real* apartment, I started to recognize that there was something really wrong. Shortly after that, I met the Other Half, and shortly after that, we ended up together. I switched careers a bit after, started talk therapy, and things began to lift a bit, to the point where I could recognize that something had been very wrong.

I self-medicated with alcohol for a couple years, during the worst of the transition. NOT SOMETHING I RECOMMEND. FOR ANYONE. I WAS STUPID. VERY STUPID. It wasn't until I moved from the apartment to my current place, and took a 1 month "rehab" vacation (wasn't rehab, but got me out of the City and away from all my bad habits) before starting my current job that the depression fully lifted, to be replaced with moderate OCD and severe anxiety. With bouts of depression.

Most of my depressive moments sound a bit like yours, especially the abandonment issues. Those really need to be worked through with a professional. You cannot do it on your own, because those are some NASTY ingrained thought processes that permeate everything.

Please get help. Get yourself re-diagnosed, on meds, and into therapy. You'll be amazed at how much it helps.

[technical.angel]

Also, try http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/

THIS.

I can't say enough about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I went through a 4 week session (even though it played merry hell with my work schedule), and it did a work of good. I was able to get through a back to school without a single break down. And anyone who knows me or knows what a back to school is like in the tech world knows what a feat that is.

Please give it a try. It may seem repetitive or hoakey, but it's worth it.

[Der Cute]

PS. Also go to your gen doc and get your thyroid checked, ok?

[Whiskey]

CBT is amazing and you can do it yourself. Also, I'm with everyone else on "meds AND therapy," You need to do both. A lot of what you will overcome will be finding out whats wrong and how to fix it, but you'll need to sort out the imbalance in your brain as well to even entertain the idea that fixing anything is possible. All you need is a little spark in your brain to tell you "this might work.. give it a shot." That little voice will feed on progress. It'll be like the one you usually have that tells you "yep, you chipped a nail. might as well jump off a bridge, you cant even keep your nails in order let alone your LIFE" but better.

When I don't take my meds, I'll throw money anywhere just to be out and spending. To look good. When I'm on them, I can walk away from extravagant things. It takes me a minute. Maybe five or ten. Then I realize, I walked away. I didn't buy it and I don't feel like hell because of it. Even paying my bills on time lets me know I'm doing better. You have to look for the small things. They build, you'll have big accomplishments, but the small accomplishment will get you to the next accomplishment and before you know it, you're functioning better than you ever thought.

edit: This post was brought to you by Pseudo-Schizophrenia. Where every thought is a voice. (i wrote this post in a weird way, but its the best way I can describe it)

also, the best advice I ever got for "downward spiral prevention" was writing a list and handing it to the people you trust. On the list should be reasons they need to personally (physically, in person) intervene. Make plans.

1. If I don't call you for two days, even to check in, call me.
1a. If I don't answer in 2 hours, come to my house and find me.
2. If you notice I'm out shopping more than usual, sit me down.
3. If my facebook statuses get wonky or semi-depressive, let me know.
4. If I miss work/class/church/whatever, and you KNOW i'm not ill, call me or come over.

I don't know what your spiral is like, but everyone should have one of these lists and at LEAST one person should have a copy so they can intervene BEFORE you hit rock bottom and its obvious. The little things are important and they'll save you a lot of headache.

PS. Also go to your gen doc and get your thyroid checked, ok?

This too. Get checked out. A full physical would be better, but at least your thyroid. Theres also Celiac Disease which is a gluten intolerance (or something similar) where one of the non-intestinal symptoms is Depression.

[Seshat]

There's lots of stuff that can have depression as a symptom. It's well worth having a full medical check if you can manage it.

But bringing your mood up with meds and/or therapy, ideally both, will make everything (including getting a medical checkup) easier.

[NiennasMaid]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Things have still been dark lately--had a few manic moments, but they passed pretty quickly. I don't want to start medication right now, because there's every chance I will lose my job soon, and I don't want to have the hassle of trying to figure out treatment while scrambling to find insurance.

I just found out that two MORE of my best friends are moving away this summer. That makes 6 friends overall. NOT HELPING my abandonment issues. At all.

Added to that is the fact that I just don't feel like I'm worth the trouble to fix. I know how tough medication and therapy can be, if taken seriously, and I just think that's making an awfully big investment in something/someone that's not worth it. Like buying a car for $3k and spending $10k in repairs. Sometimes it's just better to run the car into the ground and then get something new.

Even in the best of times, I find it difficult to believe that anyone could want me around--during the dark times, I'm convinced that no-one can stand me, that no-one would ever want me. I had only friend in elementary school/junior high, and none in high school. Never been on a date. Never been kissed. Wonder why I think that no-one wants me?? I've got a lot of solid evidence on my side here...

Sorry, it's just been a really rough week. I'm tired, and I haven't eaten a meal yet today, and my emotions have just been jacked up lately.

I really do appreciate the help and suggestions!

[Der Cute]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Things have still been dark lately--had a few manic moments, but they passed pretty quickly. I don't want to start medication right now, because there's every chance I will lose my job soon, and I don't want to have the hassle of trying to figure out treatment while scrambling to find insurance.

<snip>

Added to that is the fact that I just don't feel like I'm worth the trouble to fix. I know how tough medication and therapy can be, if taken seriously, and I just think that's making an awfully big investment in something/someone that's not worth it. Like buying a car for $3k and spending $10k in repairs. Sometimes it's just better to run the car into the ground and then get something new.

Even in the best of times, I find it difficult to believe that anyone could want me around<snip>

Sorry, it's just been a really rough week. I'm tired, and I haven't eaten a meal yet today, and my emotions have just been jacked up lately.

I really do appreciate the help and suggestions!

First:
If you know you're emo hungry/cranky hungry, EAT! Don't just eat carbs, eat protein, it sits longer, and doesn't f-up your blood sugars.

Second:
I do the same thing about "why fix me now I need insurance first" The problems underlying it all are the ones causing the bumps in life - so whether or not I have a job has no bearing on Do I Need To Fix Me? I've finally said, fuckit, I need to be fixed, I'm so hosed atm it's crazy.

Third:
You are worth something.
A person leaves - they aren't leaving you and running away. They aren't jumping into a black hole. They are moving the location. Yes, there IS a risk of slowly losing contact and drifting apart, but no matter where the people are, this risk is still current. You've got to start reminding yourself that people do care, you are worth more than just your weight, and that you DO make a difference in people's lives.

Fourth:
Go to the damn doctor. Just do it, get it done, and if the doc says Go Start Meds, ask if there's a generic format of that one or another one that's cheaper that does the same job. That's part of your responsibility as a patient.
You cannot fix the issues in yourself without getting stabilized and a bit...higher than you are. Period.

Fifth:
If you're so darn worried about insurance, go check out your welfare office. Ask about Medicaid. Look into the brand new "insurance pools" that just got started by President Obama. (no comments please) Just start looking.

It's hard to drag yourself when you're feeling so dejected and sad and poopy. I've been there and done that. But every time, I get out of the ditch and keep going. I'm a survivor.

Cutenoob

[Exaspera]

Ditto Cutenoob. You've gotten great advice here. Many of us understand what you are going through, and believe me, once you start on the above suggestions things will get better for you. A bunch of us know that, too.

Stop throwing roadblocks. C'mon, it's lovely out here!

[trailerparkmedic]

Getting treatment now (instead of "later when everything else in life is perfect") will:

1) quite possibly help you keep your job longer, as you will spend less time feeling like crap and more time focusing on work
2) allow you to take FMLA if work gets too overwhelming, which from previous posts sounds like it's already happening. You can take intermittent FMLA and take a day or two at a time for those days you just can't get out of bed or when you think you're too manic to work.
3) make it easier to handle things like losing your job and not having insurance
4) make you happier sooner

Life is never "just perfect" for anything--tackling mental illness, losing weight, having kids. If you want to change, you need to take the first step now.

You say medication and therapy is hard. In my experience, a therapist is not going to push you until you break. A good therapist will challenge you but it will make you feel better. Both of my therapists had NOTHING in common with, say, my drill sergeants from basic training. They were closer to my art teacher, who asks us to defend our positions and figure out why we have certain opinions. She challenges us but doesn't push us to the breaking point.

You're miserable. You don't want to feel miserable. Go get some help. Stop making excuses.

[NiennasMaid]

oh yay. Last night I got the news that ANOTHER friend is moving. Across the country. Saturday. That makes SEVEN friends moving between now and August.

Fuck my life.

[Whiskey]

oh yay. Last night I got the news that ANOTHER friend is moving. Across the country. Saturday. That makes SEVEN friends moving between now and August.

Fuck my life.

Or

Hey a reason to travel and go somewhere new.