My mother. (REALLY Long)

[Mishi]

Dammit, I was looking forward to those houseboy slaves! :P

[Becks]

Mishi, that's what children are for.

[Seshat]

Hubby actually got angry with her because she moved the knives to where the kids could get to them and left cleaning chemicals within the kids reach.

That almost sounds like you're surprised he got angry!

I wouldn't be angry. I would be FURIOUS!

I just wish that it hadn't had to come to this, all I wanted was a decent relationship with a loving mother.

You and me both.

[Whiskey]

Everyone wrote really good responses but I'll just be direct.

Cut her out.

She doesn't respect your wishes, talks poorly about you to other people (what about when your children get old enough? Is she going to tell them you're going to be committed and/or going to hell?). People like that are toxic.

You and me both.

Man, not before work. I can't deal with my mommy issues a half hour before work

[Mishi]

That almost sounds like you're surprised he got angry!

I wouldn't be angry. I would be FURIOUS!

Well, he's a fairly easygoing bloke, has a really long fuse and very good control over his temper. He tries to stay out of her way and ignores her for the most part as otherwise he ends up yelling at her and he doesn't want to do that in front of the kids. So yeah, it was a bit surprising because we normally don't argue with each other's family members. Ah well, at least we won't have to put up with her again.

[JustaCashier]

So many others have given great, well-detailed advice, so I'll just say in a nutshell, yes.

It's terrible that you had to grow up in such an environment, and you don't need to have your kids exposed to the same or similar, no matter how little contact they have with her, or as a result from any continued contact you have with her, even if the kids aren't around.

The first several background points on her you brought up, immediately made me think of Piper Laurie's character as the mother in the movie Carrie


Mike

[Gerrinson]

I am solidly in the cut ties department because I've been there and done it. And I don't regret it in the least. It is a hard choice at first, but maybe a trial period of a year just to see how it sits with you?

They say you can't choose your family, but you CAN choose whether you let them make you miserable. Quite frankly, my quality of life is far better without my mother in it. It was a simple choice for me: My mother or my sanity. Only one of those holds any real value for me.

If your mother can't respect you and love you for who you are, then that is her problem. Do not let her problem be your problem.

If you'd like to know why I made my decision, I've listed a summary below.

I grew up with a psychotic mother with a martyr complex who is completely unable to see any situation where she might be in the wrong. Combined with being abusive and telling me everday how 'useless' and 'worthless' I was, etc.

I turned 18 and was out of the house less than a month later. I still had contact with her, though much less. The result is that my hair, which had started going gray at 16, turned back to black due to the reduced stress in my life.

Four years later, however, I moved out of the state. I 'neglected' to give her my new address and phone. Sadly, I lived with my dad who did give her the info so she could contact him. Still, a 600 mile buffer removed her almost completely from my life. I found I liked it that way.

The last time I voluntarily spoke to my mother was in 2003, when I needed to get documentation from her for my Canadian citizenship status. As far as I'm concerned, that's the last thing I needed from her. I have not called or sought her out since.

In fact, I've seen her only three times since: Twice she showed up at my house after I moved back into the area. She found it because she had run into a friend of mine who gave her the address without thinking. My friend did apologize profusely and was forgiven. My mother showed up when other non-family were about so she was extremely nice and gave me a ton of presents, mostly cash & scratch tickets (some of them pre scratched losers she dug out of her purse. Gee, thanks.) She was always concerned about her public image.

I moved in 2006 and saw her only once since, in 2008, when we both were in the same convenience store at the same time. She attempted to follow me home (I was walking, she was driving) but I cut through the woods.

At this point, she keeps begging other people to give her my address and phone so she can 'help me' with money and gifts. But when other people aren't present, it will simply devolve into the tirade of abuse that was partially responsible for me being depressed and suicidal for most of my life.

I've beaten all of that and broken out of the mindset that I am as useless and worthless as she always told me. In fact, I am quite good at the things that I do and I am worth a great deal to the people who actually love me.

As for her? As long as she stays gone, I don't care. No amount of money she may want to give me is worth the abuse that comes with it.

[Whiskey]

If its necessary, and it might be, get a restraining order. If she's telling people you're mentally ill (or unstable if you are mentally ill) and that your house is SO DIRTY shes going to call CPS she might sabotage you and make it look like you are a danger to your kids. Kind of melodramatic, but you never know and she doesn't exactly seem to have a firm grip on her own handle.

[Mishi]

I used to decribe her as like Carrie's mum if my friends were about to meet her for the first time, but she's really good at pretending to be normal. I don't want to go as far as to get a restraining order, as I'm not vindictive enough to ruin her professional life, but I will if necessary.
My mental health is surprisingly stable. My brain went 'click' about 2 weeks before Bubbles was born and the big black cloud went away without meds. I didn't realise how depressed I was until it went away. When I lived with her, I was so sick so often that I thought she may have Munchausen's By Proxy. Changed doctors often too, so I mentioned it to Dad, he told her and from then she called me paranoid. My heath improved dramatically after I moved out, my joint pain went down and I stopped catching every virus that was going around.

Part of the 'bad parenting' is my refusal to tell my kids that homosexuality is evil. According to my sister, she was most upset by JazzyBee making her (female) dolls kiss and saying "Awww look, they love each other!"

[Magpie]

When I lived with her, I was so sick so often that I thought she may have Munchausen's By Proxy. Changed doctors often too, so I mentioned it to Dad, he told her and from then she called me paranoid. My heath improved dramatically after I moved out, my joint pain went down and I stopped catching every virus that was going around.

Part of the 'bad parenting' is my refusal to tell my kids that homosexuality is evil. According to my sister, she was most upset by JazzyBee making her (female) dolls kiss and saying "Awww look, they love each other!"

Stress can make you ill too - joint pain and general lack of energy/low immune system are more likely to be from stress than from sabotage on her part.

And as for the dolls - I don't care how strongly someone raised kids to believe that homosexuality is evil, that's not going to stop a little girl from doing something like that. Little kids really don't get that sort of thing. I love my mommy. I love my daddy. I love my friends. My dolls love each other. (Even if they're kissing. I've been slathered in kisses by friend's kids.)

[Seshat]

In a kid's mind:

Mummy loves me and she kisses me. Daddy loves me and he kisses me. Kisses mean love.

Sex? What's that? Oh that's that stuff they teach in 'science' about where babies come from. That's got nothing to do with kissing and loving each other. Unless you're a grown-up, maybe.

Boy dolls kiss boy dolls or girl dolls because they love them - with sibling-style love. Ditto girl dolls kissing girl or boy dolls. Anyone seeing sexuality of any sort in that is crazy.

(Exception: sexually abused children can demonstrate their experiences in doll play. I pray that one day this will never happen - because I pray that one day no child will ever be abused. But if you DO see this happening, or think you do, contact an expert to help you check with the child.)

[Mishi]

Yup, that's pretty much my reaction to the way JazzyBee plays with dolls, they're always going exploring, mountain climbing, going to school and being friends. It makes me laugh when we're out; she sees any PDA and says "Awww they're so sweet." or "Look Mummy, they love each other!".

To clarify my comment about Munchausen's by proxy: It was weird when she changed from never taking me to the doctor because "You're not really sick/You're attention-seeking/No real Christians get sick because they lay claim to the promises in the Bible" to always taking me to the doctors, getting blood tests, getting the results back with no clear answers, moving to the next doctor and telling all her friends "We're having such a hard time with our eldest daughter, she's ALWAYS sick and sooooooo rebellious!" rather than "She's sick all the time yet she's getting mostly A's and B's at school". Oh, and the badgering of the doctor/s until I received antibiotics for every sniffle or slight cold, then standing over me to make sure that I was taking it along with all the vitamins, herbal supplements and antihistamines she could load me up with.

[Seshat]

Ouch, Mishi. If you weren't genuinely seriously ill, that does sound a lot MbP.

[Zellie Crescent]

The one thing I don't worry about is her getting custody of the kids, it does sound like something she'd try to do though. Hubby got angry with her because she moved the knives to where the kids could get to them and left cleaning chemicals within the kids reach.

It seemed really stupid and careless on her part to do this seeing as she was once a mother (sort of) herself.

Today I found out that she had told my sister that:

- My house is so messy that she wanted to call Family and Children's Services

- I apparently have mental issues and need to seek help!

After reading this, her actions in the quote above seem suspicious and like a set up to prove that you're a bad mother if the kids got hurt.

I don't want to go as far as to get a restraining order, as I'm not vindictive enough to ruin her professional life, but I will if necessary.

After reading this entire thread seeing the red flags that I did, I'm just going to tell you some advice for the second you get better. Kick her the hell out of your house and get a restraining order. I know you don't want to ruin her professional life, but it looks to me that she has no problem at all ruining your personal life.

[Peppergirl]

Do you mean to tell me that this woman actually holds a job and is successful as an occupational therapist?



I'm appalled.

Please - PLEASE get her away from your kids.