My mother. (REALLY Long)

[Whiskey]

Everyone wrote really good responses but I'll just be direct.

Cut her out.

She doesn't respect your wishes, talks poorly about you to other people (what about when your children get old enough? Is she going to tell them you're going to be committed and/or going to hell?). People like that are toxic.

You and me both.

Man, not before work. I can't deal with my mommy issues a half hour before work

[Seshat]

Hubby actually got angry with her because she moved the knives to where the kids could get to them and left cleaning chemicals within the kids reach.

That almost sounds like you're surprised he got angry!

I wouldn't be angry. I would be FURIOUS!

I just wish that it hadn't had to come to this, all I wanted was a decent relationship with a loving mother.

You and me both.

[Becks]

Mishi, that's what children are for.

[Mishi]

Dammit, I was looking forward to those houseboy slaves! :P

[Magpie]

Apparently, in the End Times, Christians will have all non-Christians as slaves... still haven't found that verse and I'm wondering where I pick my slaves up from!

I've got some bad news for you:

- Told me that I'm not a proper Christian

But in all seriousness, I realise that I didn't explicitly say in my earlier post that no, your mother is the one who's out of line. Yes, I know you're biased, but unless you're lying through your teeth, she is exhibiting major problems in her behaviour.

[Mishi]

Today I found out that she had told my sister that:

- My house is so messy that she wanted to call Family and Children's Services (I would post pictures of my home's interior, but that would kind of get rid of my anonymity)

- I apparently have mental issues and need to seek help!

So, now she's all but blocked from my Facebook page (deleting her would cause a hell of a fuss.) and I'm not going to be talking to her for quite some time. Thank God for Caller ID! I just wish that it hadn't had to come to this, all I wanted was a decent relationship with a loving mother.

@Amethyst Hunter - Yup sounds familiar; they were/are also into 'breaking demonic strongholds' and building a network of Christian professionals. Apparently, in the End Times, Christians will have all non-Christians as slaves... still haven't found that verse and I'm wondering where I pick my slaves up from!

[Amethyst Hunter]

Background:
My mother was/is a fanatical 'Christian' intercessor, which means she:
- Homeschooled me until she got sick of arguing with me.
- Attempted to brainwash me with her beliefs (ie. demons are out to get me, Wiccans will try to slaughter me and pagans are worse).
- Fasted and locked herself in her room reading her Bible and praying, leaving me to watch two small children while attempting to get an education.
- Left bruises after 'disciplining' me for talking back (asking valid questions, disagreeing with her views or interpreting the Bible differently.)
- Pop culture is evil.
/Background

Is your mother dominionist? (See www.theocracywatch.org for more information, if you've never heard this term before.)

I ask because many of the red flags you listed are CLASSIC dominionist tactics, particularly the homeschooling, fasting, beatings and crusade against pop culture. (Yes, all hardline religious sects take the view that anything secular is automatically 'satanic' but dominionists take it to a whole 'nother level, to the point where they literally have been creating their own separate culture, complete with dominionist-friendly schools, doctors, churches and businesses, for two reasons: 1) they want to raise kids from birth in this toxic environment (harder to escape it if it's all you've ever known) and 2) prepare these kids to go into secular institutions for the express purpose of taking over and eventually controlling these institutions - school, law, government, etc. This is commonly referred to as "steeplejacking" as a good many dominionists start with churches and work their way up from there.)

Even without the dominionist red-flagging, the manipulativeness and flagrant disregard for your home/kids is very toxic to your family. So in answer to your question...

I have a huge favour to ask all of you: Do you think that it is a good idea for me to cut all non-essential contact with my mother?

HELL. YES. In fact I would even go so far as to say cut her off completely, but that's just me so take that with a huge grain of salt. One of my friends is a walkaway from a dominionist family and to this day only maintains the barest minimum of contact with her family because of their toxicity. She is legally blind in one eye because her mother - a diehard dominionist - refused to see a legitimate doctor since she believes that modern medicine is a Satanic tool. So ask yourself: if your own mother subscribes to a similar train of thought, do you REALLY want to risk your kids' health and well-being with her?

[Magpie]

If it helps: My in-laws are very careful how they interact with their respective fathers. (Yes, both of them. People tend to marry into families with similar levels of emotional health). I have seen my husband's paternal grandfather maybe 5 times. Abusive relatives need to be cut off. Yes, it's good to maintain contact with carefully defined boundaries. But if you can't do that then go for no contact, rather than contact without boundaries. It's for your children's safety. Not only is your Mother a potential danger to them, but if you cut ties you will pick up less of her behaviour.

And I want to ditto what Seshat said, just to put more support behind those.

[taxguykarl]

Mishi, the manipulative behavior your mother is showing is why my fiance and I have cut all contact with his mother to a minimum. We don't even have kids, but she is so toxic and draining we just can't deal with her. We still talk to her (fairly rarely) and she's coming to our wedding but we'll travel to Dallas (4 hours away) for whatever reason, rearrange our schedule to see his dad, and not even tell his mom we've been there. We're relishing the thought of moving to the east coast before we have kids so that she can't easily visit. We don't regret mostly cutting her off at all.

TPM, you could well be talking about my MIL.
I have encouraged Mrs. TGK to keep contact to a minimum for just that reason.
One of the best gifts I ever gave her (and my BIL, come to think of it) was a copy of In Sheeps' Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Dr. Simon has MIL pegged.

This would also be a good read for you, Mishi. FWIW, I too suggest minimizing contact with your mother and no unsupervised visits.

[Exaspera]

You could always draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper and note the pros and cons. Let the list help you to make your decision.

My Mom is an OTR, too. Not that that makes a good or bad Mother, but we get along wonderfully.

[trailerparkmedic]

Mishi, the manipulative behavior your mother is showing is why my fiance and I have cut all contact with his mother to a minimum. We don't even have kids, but she is so toxic and draining we just can't deal with her. We still talk to her (fairly rarely) and she's coming to our wedding but we'll travel to Dallas (4 hours away) for whatever reason, rearrange our schedule to see his dad, and not even tell his mom we've been there. We're relishing the thought of moving to the east coast before we have kids so that she can't easily visit. We don't regret mostly cutting her off at all.

[Mishi]

A little more to add... emailed my sister to find out if my brother was lying to make trouble, my mum made her read it out and dictated an answer! Sister will be filling me in from her boyfriend's place but RARRRGH!!!!

[Soulstealer]

If this was my mother I wouldn't let her have any contact with my kids. She's clearly not a good role model and kids can tell when they're not wanted or considered a nuisance.

Hell, I'd be tempted not to see her again until she's being lowered into the ground. I say this has someone who has cut their mother for this type of thing albeit I think yours sounds more severe. If you want to keep her around you set strong boundaries not to allow her to hurt your kids, mess with your house, and especially not to mess with you. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself.

[r2cagle]

Echoing same advice, Mishi... you know what you have to do. Sorry, it sucks, but it won't ever get better. You can tolerate your mom in small doses, but your children do not have the skills yet to deal with her. If when the kids get older, they want to connect with your mom, then allow them that choice, but right now, it's about protecting your family.

Oh, and tell Hubby, he can handle everything, it doesn't have to be perfect.

[iradney]

Listen to your instincts - they're flashing red emergency lights for a reason. Your Mom doesn't sound like the type of person I would want around my hypothetical children no matter their age, to be honest. The fact that she rearranged your kitchen and made it potentially dangerous for your kids is a big no-no in my book...