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  • #1

    Cold inside

    the kind of cold that seeps into your bones when the memories you have pushed back for so long finally break and seep in....
    And these memories are old...as in several years. Something traumatic that I thought I handled well and moved on yet apparently still stuffed or pushed it aside. I learned how to deal with things, but not what to do when I cannot or do not want to deal and how to be able to get myself in a state or place in my mind to eventually deal with such things.

    It affects me as a mother, how I am either so protective of Lisa that I delayed her crawling or sitting up. Or I will sit in front of the tv and be aware of her yet still zoned out. I hate myself for zoning out.

    It affects me as a person as I can't recall when I was myself since these happened. Just a bundle of emotions wrapped with humor. No wonder DH treads with care around me. f***

    it makes my head hurt as I don't want to relive it I don't want to cry I don't want to deal with it still and I know. talk to my therapist about it. it just means another cry session in some office
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  • #2
    CRYING is GOOD. It means youre hurting which is the first step into dealing with anything traumatic.

    Don't be afraid to cry.
    Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

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    • #3
      i know this. and it would be fine. This is the kind of cry that if I do it will hurt ALL OVER, my heart will hurt it will physically ache even if it was a fresh memory. It radiates throughout and I cannot stand that. As weird or creepy as it sounds. And when its done I am useless. Or worn to the point if there is anything left i pray i can crawl to the bedroom

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      • #4
        Quoth Whiskey View Post
        CRYING is GOOD. It means youre hurting which is the first step into dealing with anything traumatic.

        Don't be afraid to cry.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqFuhCfb3Fk

        I don't go in for ancient wisdom
        I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
        It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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        • #5
          still don't want to
          still a stubborn pain
          makes me wish i was psychic so i could just say here, take the image I don't want to talk about it

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          • #6
            Listen, LF - alot of people call me the 'ice queen' because I seem so detached and unaffected by things. I'm really not - I bottle things up and stuff them down...so when I cry probably twice a year and when it happens, I can COMPLETELY relate to the physical, gut-wrenching pain that comes with it. It's a HORRIBLE feeling, but you do feel somewhat relieved afterward, right?

            Isn't that better than this?
            "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

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            • #7
              Quoth LexiaFira View Post
              i know this. and it would be fine. This is the kind of cry that if I do it will hurt ALL OVER, my heart will hurt it will physically ache even if it was a fresh memory. It radiates throughout and I cannot stand that. As weird or creepy as it sounds. And when its done I am useless. Or worn to the point if there is anything left i pray i can crawl to the bedroom
              thats called grieving. Grieving isnt only for deaths. Its apart of getting better. It has to happen or you will never complete the cycle to get better.

              No one can stand being absolutely WRECKED by grief, but it NEEDS to happen. If you don't let it happen, itll ruin your entire life.

              edit: to cosign on Pepperelfs post, I'm a bottler too. You know what happens? once or twice a year I wreck every good thing in my life. I get rid of my friends, i fail classes, I hurt myself and I hurt others. Why? Because I refuse to deal with my grief. Deal with your grief. Please.
              Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

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              • #8
                Right now, I have no advice or anything to give. I will just give a *hug* instead.
                Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

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                • #9
                  Quoth Whiskey View Post
                  thats called grieving. Grieving isnt only for deaths. Its apart of getting better. It has to happen or you will never complete the cycle to get better.

                  No one can stand being absolutely WRECKED by grief, but it NEEDS to happen. If you don't let it happen, itll ruin your entire life.
                  QFT.

                  It's putting off the inevitable not to grieve. Easier said than done, I know - but it simply has to happen.

                  You know where to find us.
                  "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

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                  • #10
                    thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.

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                    • #11
                      Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                      thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.
                      This is where you're hurting so bad that it's gone beyond pain and into numbness and apathy.

                      PLEASE talk to your therapist.
                      "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

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                      • #12
                        next appointment is this coming tuesday. going to bed will post tomorrow

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                        • #13
                          Quoth LexiaFira View Post
                          thats where it gets worse. sometimes I don't care about that. Sometimes I think let my life be ruined, cause I didn't have one. That should scare me but it doesn't anymore. Thats where I know I should let it go yet as I type this I just cannot seem to care and I want to.
                          You know how I know this isnt the truth? Because if you didnt care you wouldnt post it to a forum of people who you KNOW care about you.

                          You care, but its scary to care. It scary to break down and be vulnerable. It makes you feel weak and exposed which is why there are therapists around to help you through this. Thats why you have friends and supports, real life or internet.

                          I know for a fact we're all here to support you in getting better
                          Thou shalt not take the name of thy goddess Whiskey in vain.

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                          • #14
                            yeah. thats why i posted here, for that help that I won't feel the need to run from even though its from others behind a screen therein lies the safety factor. I wrote all this down (not word for word kind of thing) in the avoidance journal as I was asked to do for therapist so that it can be worked on. The whole avoidance thing.

                            Sleep helped some but not much. What do you want me to say whiskey? I'm aware of whats happening and aware of what I need to or should be doing and this is my first attempt at doing something about it instead of letting it get further worse. not snapping at you just...well i suppose if I were saying this it would be monotone cause i'm still numb. i do have motivation though, every time my daughter smiles

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                            • #15
                              Okay. Here's some other ways to grieve:

                              * Paint. Get poster paints and cheap children's-paintings paper if you like, and just paint whatever you feel. Paint your emotions, if you like. Yes, the paintings are likely to start out dark and horrible - that's FINE. That's grieving.

                              * Music. Especially if you're already a musician. Play whatever your emotions tell you to play. Minor keys, requiems, doesn't matter. Or sing, or dance.

                              * Draw. Sculpt. Any other art form. Heck, sculpt with plasticine or play-dough and squish the results back down when you're done.

                              Your therapist would probably like to see samples of this grieving art, but it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to show him/her.
                              Seshat's self-help guide:
                              1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                              2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                              3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                              4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                              "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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