Online Dating.

[Plaidman]

So has anyone tried any of those online matching deals?

Or know anyone that did?

What sites have worked, and which ones should you run from?

Major cornerstone of my major depression is my inabilty to attract. Since I can't get a girl to go out with me based on anything I try here, I might as well try online where they can get to know me before doing the laughter or the giving the speech of not in a billion years, or even the pity yes, and then standing me up, and my therapist recemends trying to get a date, though he did say he doubts I'll be able to understand any kind of relationship at my late age of dating and lack of experence. But that only last for the first few dates of various girls, in order to /catch/ up to sorts to having a normal relationship, and I need to keep my chin up. (Great advice to give right before I can no longer afford him, or any therapist, but whatever. I need to do it for my own sanity before my hatred of couples rubbing in their love, or bitching about minor things when the very fact they have love or have someone autcally love them and not just pretending for various reasns, and other factors overwhelms me far worst)

I know my strengths. I also know my many weakeness. But if anyone has had any success, or known any success with online, please tell me what sites if any help. I'll take any advice.

[Dilorenzo]

As far as I understand the larger (ie, more reputable sites), have a good track record. There's a geek dating site (or was it gamer?) that I currently can't remember the name of that's supposed to be great as well, according to a couple of friends of mine who've had luck.

With the 'reputable' sites, one friend met a woman he's been with for over a year now. All he did was post about himself, and bada-bing, it worked. I believe it was e-harmony? I'll check with him and confirm that.

The geek dating site (which I've been trying to remember the name of for a good ten minutes now, since reading this), I don't know much more about. But it's easier to find a partner on that who might share any gaming/geeky interests, since that's what it caters to.

As for me, I got lucky enough to meet my wife of five years in an MMO - Lineage 2. I wouldn't recommend that approach since, well, the game kinda stinks in my opinion, and the community isn't what it once was. That, and it was shear luck that led me to meet her.

[TelephoneAngel]

I mnet my boyfriend online a few years ago.It was in a forum like this one.We just ended up talking to each other on various threads and eventually decided to meet.

*in a cafe in public for the sake of safety*

We've now been living together for two years and are very happy.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My roommate uses Match.com. She's met several people; so far nothing serious, but a couple guys who she dated casually for a while, another she didn't click with but they've since gone out once or twice just as friends.

[Whiskey]

I really, really wouldn't recommend online dating for you and heres why:

Online dating gives the anonymity people need to be exceptionally brutal. Sure you can see their face, their interests, and whatever else, but its still fairly anonymous. Do you know how many messages the average girl gets? I re-registered on one site about.. 2 or 3 days ago and so far I've gotten about... 30 unsolicited messages from guys. Theres a completely different dynamic of online "dating." It allows people to decide, before ever responding, if they want to talk to you. In interpersonal relationships, a person (generally) has to talk to you before deciding they don't like you. This is *not* true online. Some don't go past the photos. Some do, but don't like how/what you wrote so they never message you.

I'm not saying don't do it, any kind of reaching out is a good thing, but its not as easy as people make it out. If you do sign up, I would really recommend posting what you plan to have in your profile up here first so the ladies (and gentlemen) can critique it. People don't often realize how what they say comes across. What you think it satire and hilarious might come off as bitter cynicism to people who have never spoken to you before.


My personal opinions of dating sites:
Plenty of fish is for finding a one night stand
OKCupid is for hipsters to find other hipsters, one night stands and the polyamorous
Match is a pay site; IMO pay sites aren't worth a damn
eHarmony is a religious pay site

I would moreso recommend you get involved in some kind of club or group your passionate about and work from there. In the meantime, research cognitive behavioral therapy and try to implement it to help change the way you think.

[Taboo]

my therapist recemends trying to get a date, though he did say he doubts I'll be able to understand any kind of relationship at my late age of dating and lack of experence

Your therapist sounds like a jerk, honestly. You're not 80 and on your deathbed and unaware of how to use technology. My father has been internet dating since my parents got divorced and he was always crappy with relationships (see: divorced with restraining order), and had very little experience with anyone but my mother, and he's seeing a really nice woman now. So, don't listen to that sort of bullshit.

I am going to have to go on a little side rant here, just because this was my biggest problem when I first started the online dating and you may run into the same thing. You need to tone down some of the self-deprecation, at least in your profile(s). You're a really awesome guy, from what I know of you on here, but people don't look at profiles very long when they're trying to decide whether to respond or not. I can get easily at least 15 mails a day just on one site and if the first thing they see is that your entire profile seems negative, it could feel like a drain. If you let yourself do too much of that on there, then you can prevent people from getting to know how awesome you are.

I'm depressed, but I keep my profile friendly and neutral. I mention the depression pretty early on in-person (maybe 3 dates) so it's not that I'm dishonest about it. It's the fact that with internet dating, people can feel like they have a million choices and why not just move on at the first thing that sounds negative. Yes, it's a stupid attitude, and it's a stupid game to have to play, but honestly girls can get so much mail on those things that it's overwhelming and we literally don't have the time to reply to everyone, so we have to draw a line somewhere. So don't give them that line. Let someone get to know you a little beforehand and it won't be the same instant-ender, because by then they know you a little and know if they're interested enough to work with that sort of thing or not.

As far as actual sites, I've done a lot of this, so I'll give you a few recommendations.

OkCupid is a good free one, especially since you're in a large enough city to take advantage of it. I've found a lot of cool people on there, made some good friends, and two good relationships (both ended because one of us had to move and we became too long-distance to maintain anything). There are a lot of people in our age group just looking to get laid but you'll get less of that from the girls than the guys; I've also found that for a free site, it has a larger proportion of intelligent, well-spoken (typed?) people. You don't have to deal with as much of the "hay wazzup hottie lulz" textspeek crowd, there are quite a few geeky people on it, and the search engine is the best designed.

They do a decent percentage match system; it's no means a guarantee, but it is good at telling you which people are such a poor match that you fundamentally *will not* get along with them, as it matches both your answers about yourself and about what you'd like in a partner.

Plenty of Fish is another free site. I don't recommend it as much as OkCupid for guys. As a girl I get a lot of mail on there and just have to sort through it, but it can be annoying to use their search function and it's rampant with grammar that makes my soul cringe. Since it's free, you could still give it a shot. But it's much less instinctive to use. If you do use it, try to tag your own profile with your interests and then search through those. One nice feature it does have is the ability to drastically reduce who can message you by gender, smoking/drinking preferences, children, age, distance, etc.

SoulGeek is awesome as far as meeting cool people, but it's not very active in my area. I've made some awesome penpals and one friend in NJ an hour away. Your mileage may vary. You can fill out a profile, read people's profiles, reply to emails, and 'wink' at people for free. You can't initiate emails or use the forums or chat unless you're paying for the site. Make a profile, see how many girls in your area have actually logged in recently, and if it looks like it's worth the money, pay for a month or something then. You honestly don't need a longer subscription to that one... it is filled with neat people but they don't get that many new members each month.

There's a lot of other geek dating sites like Geek2Geek and OtakuBooty. I have less experience with them but give them a look.

Smingle is apparently doing 3 months of free trials for new members. I have no idea how active this is either or effective since I just signed up. Basically, you can sit and have a date with someone via an avatar character before deciding if you'd like to meet up with someone in person. I thought it was a little gimmicky but it might be fun to try. Even if there's not interesting people in your area, you could always use the free time on it to basically do trial run dates and just get more used to interacting like that. Not as good as in person for experience, but it might be less stressful.

MeetUp is good for just meeting people. And since they're groups based on your interests, maybe you'll meet someone there that you click with. It's an online way to coordinate but then you just meet people in person. I know they have singles groups too. I would highly recommend this as it might help you with interacting more in general.

Match.com I've heard good things about. I don't really pay for sites since I'm broke and all. Pro: the girls who bother paying for this may be much more serious about dating and less likely to play head games. Con: less used in the under-30s crowd since it's paid, so you'll have less options. I think this site and some similar ones often do a free weekend event, usually over holiday weekends, so maybe look for those and then buy a subscription if it seems worth it.

AVOID "It's Just Lunch" and similar pay systems; they're really expensive and generally don't work. If you do a paid site, then do something with a monthly fee, not a package deal.

My usual advice to everyone: talk first, but not for super long. Otherwise it'll fizzle out. There's no reason to spend months emailing someone if they live close enough to easily meet you - a couple weeks at most, really, aside from life interferences/scheduling issues. Do something low key like a walk or coffee or visiting some weird little shop. People have different chemistry with each other online than they do in person even if they're not trying to, it's just a medium difference; you're really just meeting them for the first time so keep things simple.

Anyway, whew, that was a lot longer than I expected. I hope that some of that may help. If you want to check out someone else's profile or have someone proofread yours, just let me know. I'm happy to help.

[Taboo]

I would moreso recommend you get involved in some kind of club or group your passionate about and work from there. In the meantime, research cognitive behavioral therapy and try to implement it to help change the way you think.

QFT. I did give you a lot of long advice about sites, because you asked for it, and you know what? I don't think it's a bad idea for you to try it. BUT it's not a solution to your problems because while there are cool people on dating sites, there are a lot of crappy ones to try to get through and it IS really difficult to know how you're coming across. And it can eat up a lot of time even trying.

Check out MeetUp. Look up local groups and activities. There's a lot of free or cheap stuff out there. All of this will let you meet more people more quickly and they'll have stuff in common with you. It'll help with the depression some and maybe your self-confidence if you're also working on it outside of just meeting people. I guess the biggest thing is, while online dating CAN work for people, it's not really a simple process, and it's not an instant-fix to what you're looking for. It may in fact make you more upset and isolated if it is all you do because you know what, rejection is a daily thing on them, especially for guys, and it can get frustrating. Don't put yourself in a position where you're depending on that to make things work because it may not. If you do date online, use it as one of many, many tools to become more social in general.

[Whiskey]

Your therapist sounds like a jerk, honestly. You're not 80 and on your deathbed and unaware of how to use technology

I think his therapist meant since he hasn't been able to socialize gradually and regularly because of his medical issues, hes less socially adept than a person should theoretically be at his age. Not that he doesnt know how to use a computer.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I was going to suggets Meetup, too. It's not a "dating" site, per se, so there's less pressure. You're just looking for people who you share interests with, who want to get out and do stuff. Which is a good way to meet someone that might turn into something more.

[Taboo]

I think his therapist meant since he hasn't been able to socialize gradually and regularly because of his medical issues, hes less socially adept than a person should theoretically be at his age. Not that he doesnt know how to use a computer.

Saying that by his age you're NEVER going to be able to understand a relationship, though?

Inexperienced? Yes. Does that make it far more difficult, frustrating, and time consuming to learn how to deal with people? Yes. Does that mean you're somehow doomed to never be able to figure it out? No, not really... most people can eventually, with time and a lot of work. I just find the implication of "well you didn't get used to people early enough in life so now you're screwed forever" to be really offensive.

[TheMike]

My wife and I met online, one of those old MUD RPGs Saturday was our 11th anniversary.

[AdminAssistant]

I had some moderate success on OkCupid and Mingle2 (or whatever it is now). Went on a few dates, dated one guy for a month-ish. You have to wade through a lot of creepers and jerks, but there are good people on those sites.

[Rapscallion]

The differences between dating sites and meeting people in real life are several.

On dating sites, you're going to find people who are actively, for the most part, looking for a relationship. Out in the real world, there are people who will want to paint, or read, or whatever in a group - not necessarily be interested in romance.

Inversely, a dating site is the sort of place where people can be discarded easily, whereas someone who is interacting with others outside of that sort of area can be good for getting past the initial reactions and getting to know the person beneath.

At least, that's how it looks to me. They both have their positive and negative aspects.

Rapscallion

[technical.angel]

I suggest OKCupid. I do NOT suggest PlentyofFish.

I have a profile on Geek to Geek, gk2gk.com, but you have to pay to do just about anything.

[BookstoreEscapee]

By the way, Plaid, I was not in a serious relationship until I was 26. I dated 2 people briefly before then, one between high school and college, and one semi-long distance for a few months when I moved to PA when I was 24/25. When I moved back to NJ a year later a mutual friend passed along my email address to a guy and we dated for several months. I've had 2 serious relationships (1 and 2 years, respectively) since then. Whatever the shrink says, you have not missed your chance because you're too old. Or whatever.