Talking over me and not saying thanks

[ShadowBall]

I hope I don't sound too bitchy when I talk about this, but I'd like to ask if anyone has ever experienced such things. I love my boyfriend, but he's got some habits that piss me off so badly. The first one is that he never EVER says 'thank you' for anything...not when I treat us to dinner or a coffee, not when I hand him something he wants from a nearby shelf, not when I get him a gift. Nada. I mentioned this in another thread, but when I bought him a Wii out of the goodness of my heart, he didn't thank me for it. I've bought him several games since I've begun dating him since that's all he ever asks for for his birthday or for Christmas...haven't gotten a thank you yet. Except for one time when I bitched about his rudeness to one of our mutual friends and they made him tell me 'thank you'.

Unless etiquette has changed, I was taught that if someone buys you something - even something you don't like - you thank them for it.

This is why I don't intend to get him a Christmas gift this year - because he'll unwrap it and not say a word because he expects it. I've tried giving him the stink eye and saying, "You're welcome," but it hasn't made a lasting impression. This, I think, is a product of his upbringing. I've seen the way his parents act and they also never say please or thank you - always just "gimme that (item)."

The other shit he does is he talks over me all. the. time. I don't know about anyone else, but to me, this says, "What I have to say is far more important than what you have to say." It often takes me several tries to get a word in edgewise and even when I do, I don't think he hears it half the time. I've pretty much just trained myself to either finish my sentence when he begins talking over me or just say as little as possible. I bitched him out about this last I saw him when we were hanging out with a friend, and he begged me to tell him what I said for about five minutes and I just made something up...he was content with that and not with what I actually was trying to say.

I really fucking hate when he does this shit. I don't know if talking will do anything since, well, I don't know if he'd let me talk since what he says obviously cannot wait until I'm done speaking. Can anyone offer any advice on how to maybe teach him some manners?

[Treasure]

well... my family is bad about not saying please or thank you too (for the little things - 'hand me that" etc)- my boyfriend's family says it all the time - he made me very aware that we don't use them - so i've started making an effort to do so - and if i don't say Please, he gives me the "stink eye" and if i don't say thank you - he won't let go of whatever i've asked for until i do - so if you're already trying these things and they're not working the only other thing i can offer is treat him like we do small children "what do we say?" "what's the magic word?" etc...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Consider this: he's on better behavior with you now than he will be down the line.

Something to consider.

[Aethian]

I wouldn't get him another thing until he starts saying please and thank you.

[Andara Bledin]

For the talking over you part, try, any time he does this, stopping and holding up a hand until he stops. Don't actually respond to whatever he needed to get out (well, unless it was actually something important). Make it so that anything he says to you doesn't happen until he lets you finish. That will only work in one-on-one situations, however.

^-.-^

[Bella_Vixen]

Have you considered a squirt bottle for when he interrupts you?

[Lindsey]

Have you considered a squirt bottle for when he interrupts you

Best advice ever, hands down. The mental image I got is fantastic.

[Zellie Crescent]

Maybe it's just me but he doesn't really seem to respect you much, not saying thank you when he gets gifts and he's constantly talking over you. He sounds like a dick, just my opinion.

[figures]

There is no age at which this is proper. There is no excuse for disrespect. There is no reason to put up with treatment that "drives you crazy"... except if you want to. You are the judge, jury and may I hand you a rifle??

The subject has been danced around. I don't do that. If you have already had serious conversations about this behavior, and it hasn't stopped... it won't. You have to decide if you can live like this. I wouldn't. You shouldn't. Move on and find someone with an adult's outlook and manners.

[ShadowBall]

He's not a bad person or a mean person...just maybe a little dense, and that's okay. The squirt bottle might work, but since he hates seafood, maybe I'll just throw bits of fish at him instead. But really, I will try the hand thing.

I may tell him I don't want to buy him stuff anymore because he never thanks me for it. Maybe once he begins acting more appreciative of gifts, he will get them. The only thing is I don't know if he'd start acting like a child and doing the thing where he rolls his eyes and begrudgingly says thank you because he was put on the spot. I know he's not intentionally being rude, but it doesn't mean it's not rude.

Besides, I think learning to wait your turn to talk and being grateful are things that will go a long way in life in general, not just with a significant other. I don't see it going well if he gets an interview and talks over the interviewer and doesn't thank them for their time, or a friend does him a big favor and he doesn't thank them. I'll ask our other friends and see if he ever thanks them for anything.

Thanks for the tips, folks. Much appreciated hearing from others.

[trailerparkmedic]

I don't know if he'd start acting like a child and doing the thing where he rolls his eyes and begrudgingly says thank you because he was put on the spot. I know he's not intentionally being rude, but it doesn't mean it's not rude.

If he does that, tell him what you just told us. "Rolling your eyes and acting like a child is rude. I consider this disrespectful and will return to not buying you things until you can act like an adult."

In my experience/opinion, a man worth keeping will change for you if the change is something important to you. Change might be slow and it might not always be consistently in the right direction, but he will try. You cannot, however, force him to change.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I don't know if he'd start acting like a child and doing the thing where he rolls his eyes and begrudgingly says thank you because he was put on the spot. I know he's not intentionally being rude, but it doesn't mean it's not rude.

This is a BIG peeve of mine, especially the talking-over thing and not letting you (generic you) get in a word edgewise. This shit happens all the time with me in my family, and believe me, I know that teeth-grinding feeling.

Boyfriend may not be intentionally rude, since you've said that the rest of his family is like this, and it's very true that what we learn in our families we tend to carry on (Which is one big reason why I'm never having kids. I refuse to pass on my family's less-than-pleasing traits). However, some people can be trained, and if you've got the patience and endurance to work on him, he can be taught to express proper manners in appropriate situations.

If boyfriend reacts like the scenario you described above - the childish eyerolling and/or attitude - that's not a good sign, and other people have given some very good advice to consider. Bad habits take a LONG time to eradicate (on average, a bad habit takes about a month to replace with a good one; longer if it's something that's been ingrained for a while), and there are some that just won't die in spite of the best efforts.

You both need to talk about this, and you need to be honest with him that his habits really, really bother you. If boyfriend doesn't seem to care about your feelings on the matter, isn't willing to change, or shows no sign of actively attempting to improve his manners after a reasonable period of time, it's boot-kickin' curbside.

Besides, I think learning to wait your turn to talk and being grateful are things that will go a long way in life in general, not just with a significant other.

They do, oh yes indeedy they do. Employers commonly report that they had favorable impressions of people with good manners, versus the interviewees without. We're talking basic manners here too, simple things like 'please' and 'thank you' and the like. Manners DO matter!

[jnd4rusty]

I definately know how you feel about the talking over and interupting because my man does that often. He may not even realize he does it. My man constantly does this and I don't think he even realizes it. He just starts talking off the top of his head no matter who is talking to him. I have told him to not interupt and that has helped some but I still think he just does not realize what he is doing. Sometimes he will talk and talk and as soon as I think he is done and I start to say something then he will do it again. I will patiently wait until he is finished or if I am irritated I will get a bit snarky and ask if I can say something now, he will then apologize and let me speak. I think it is a lack of social skills because I can listen to people and know when I can jump in without interupting them and vise versa but some people don't seem to have that skill. Good luck with it! I know it is very nerve wracking for sure!!

[shadowpanda]

In my family, we are very loud and at dinner, we are constantly talking over each other. It's a habit I brought into my relationship, but it drives my boyfriend insane. I don't mean anything bad by it, I sometimes try to finish his sentences and when I get it wrong, it drives him absolutely mental. I sometime cut over him to show I am listening by contributing to a story he is telling, but he hates it. We had a huge discussion about how much he hates it, and since that discussion I make the conscious effort to not talk whilst he is. Sometimes I get it wrong, get carried away and he gives me a nudge that I've fallen back into my bad habit.
It's something I still need to work on, but we is willing to ignore it occasionally if I forget and then start talking over him.
My point is, I am trying to not do it, and so it's not a big deal for him if I talk over him occasionally, because he knows I'm trying.

With regards to the please and thank you, I had a friend from another area of the country where you don't tend to say 'please'. The phrase used when you want something is 'Pass us that would ya?' and in that area, it's socially accepted everywhere as the correct way to ask for something.
It caused problems for us in our friendship occassionally, but she did try and say please and thank you more.

My general point is, if he won't even try with these issues that clearly upset you now, what else won't he be prepared to compromise on?

I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with, if not now, then in the future

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, you're not going to change him. Don't think you are. That way lies tears and madness.

So, since you're not going to change him (nor should you try), what you really have to decide is whether or not that's something you can learn to live with.

If the answer is yes, then now you must decide if you can learn to live with it if it's worse. People dont' get on better behavior as relationships progress. He's on his best behavior right now. They tend to let their hair down and get even more sloppy and at ease. If you can deal with this if it's way worse than it is now, then your relationship should be fine. If not, find someone who does not drive you nuts before you spend any more time trying to cram a square peg into a round hole.