HELP!

[Mikkel]

Still planning on abandoning the car, then? To what end, other than walking away from an adult obligation, defaulting on a loan, and ruining your credit for years to come?

That! Sell the car at a loss, if possible (in Denmark the car loans follow the car, which makes it virtually impossible to sell a car with more loans on it than it's worth). At the very least, keep it with you or leave it with your family, who can look after it for you. Don't leave it on a parking lot where you will never get the money for a ticket back. You will have to pay off the car loan anyway.
I'll second the idea that you drive to NY. If you can manage an eight hour job, you can spend eight hours driving. You'll be surprised how far you will get.

[Seshat]

Heck, if my reflexes weren't shot (I'm not safe to drive) I could manage what would be an 8 hour drive for a healthy person.

I'd probably do it in 10 or 12 hours, with rest breaks. But I could do it.

[Jester]

in Denmark the car loans follow the car...

In the U.S., the car loan follows the borrower. You take out the loan, it's on you, not anyone else, even if you sell the car. Unless you get someone to assume the loan, which some people will do to acquire a car. But you have to get it done legally, with paperwork and all that nonsense.

[Sapphire Silk]

I'm in agreement with everyone else that Imogene needs to make a plan and do something.

But going to New York is not it. It's not a good plan.

Imogene, I do not think you will do well there. As Jester said, that city is BRUTAL to the weak.

And you are weak. You are not strong enough for New York yet.

I'm not saying go back to Texas with your tail tucked between your legs. I'm saying don't go to New York.

What's wrong with where you are right now?

Get a job. Find a place to live. Start over right there. It's not as scary as you think. I've done exactly that: gone to a strange part of the country where I knew NO ONE, and started over.

[Peppergirl]

Just seconding all the great advice given here, but I think she's talking about upstate NY somewhere. Not NY, city of.

Still, it's a risky proposition - not to be trifled with or entered into casually.

[Seshat]

In NY city a car is a liability rather than an asset.

In many other places, it's an asset (will help her get & keep a job) rather than a liability. It depends on the quality of public transport, and the city's congestion.

Keep or sell the car will depend on where she ultimately chooses to be.

Edit to add:

Imogene. See item 3 in my sig. I think it's time for you to do a reassessment.

So.

What skills do you have? Even ones you don't consider 'marketable'. We can help you determine what kind of employment would be good for you to seek, both short term and long. That information will help us recommend places to live.
EG: if you're likely to become a good bartender in the long term and might make a good barback right now, we'll send you to a tourist city.
If you're an absolute computer freak like me, Silicon Valley or Silicon Triangle might be good places. You can start as a junior sysadmin or tier 1 help desk and work up from there.

Also, what do you like doing? What would you do even if noone paid you? What DO you do for enjoyment?

[Mikkel]

How are you now? Did you get rid of the car in a financially sound way? Are you in NY or did you go back to your family?

Update, please. I'm sure I'm not the only one who think of you and worry.

[Barracuda]

If you haven't had the car long and it isn't running, you may be entitled to an action under the lemon laws of the state you purchased the vehicle in. I would look into that as an alternative to abandoning the car. If you sue under lemon law, in most states they would have to take the car back and refund your full purchase amount (or in this case, forgive the loan and pay back all the money you have paid them thus far.) It certainly doesn't hurt to check.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

How are you now? Did you get rid of the car in a financially sound way? Are you in NY or did you go back to your family?

Update, please. I'm sure I'm not the only one who think of you and worry.

You aren't, Mikkel. >_>

[iradney]

Imogen has logged in since her last post in this thread. I can't imagine why she hasn't come back to let us know what's going on.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

As long as she's alive and kicking. It is alright to be mad at us/any of us. (at least for my part.)

[Ree]

It is alright to be mad at us/any of us.

Why would she be mad?
She had lots of caring people worried about her and offering advice.
That doesn't seem like a reason to be mad.

Imogene, why not update us?
You obviously know we are worried.

[Imogene]

I hadn't posted because I needed a cool off period, apparently.
After I got that check for the unused vacation time (a story in itself including giving the wrong mailing address because my friend gave me the wrong address back before I decided to leave), I cashed it and drove the rest of the way over the next two days, and arrived in New York (way upstate, by the by, northeast edge of NY) just shy of nine pm that night.
The roomie who let my boyfriend move in got up to go buy cigarettes while the rest of us ate pizza, and commented, "I need like fifty cents," so I dug in my pocket and pulled out a handful of change, and handed it over, then watched him turn toward the door, and I couldn't help it, I blurted out, "Wow, if I'd known it would be that easy to get rid of him..."
He stopped, and turned to me, and said, "Awesome, you have the ways of sarcasm about you as well! You'll fit right in here!"
Our other roomie is a bit of a pothead, and doesn't get most of the subtler jokes... but if you tell her an obvious one, she'll get it.

I got a job working for an outbound call center for surveys. Worked two weeks, then accidentally slipped down the back stairs on a rainy day (third in the house to do so), just after my boyfriend sprained his ankle something fierce coming down the inside stairs, badly enough he had to go to the hospital. Went in to work that Saturday, and just happened to be early, but my side hurt something fierce, so I warned my supervisor for the day that it hurt to sit upright, but I would try to make it through until lunch break at least. And sat there, waiting for my shift to start, the pain growing and growing, so, about a minute before my shift should have started, I got up and told her I wouldn't be able to handle the pain, and went home.
That was... two weeks ago...
I've been applying to other jobs like crazy, because the general concensus in the apartment is working at that call center is akin to asking to go insane by degrees. And I can see why, seeing as I got my first paycheck two weeks late, by mail, and my paycheck for the next pay period was supposed to be direct deposited, but hasn't shown up two weeks later...
In good news, the Price Chopper up the street interviewed me about a week ago, and the guy seemed excited to have me working their version of UScan there, he just needed to talk to the front end manager. I've been trying to get hold of him, but he seems to be very busy recently.

I still have the car, and it works, but it makes weird sounds and vibrations if I drive too fast... pothead's friend is a mechanic, and thinks he's isolated the problem, but I'm kinda low on money right now cause of the call center's fuckery, so I can't buy the replacement part for him.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Juwl!
Glad you got into an apartment/living situation; also glad you have some job-hope. Good to hear from you... I was worried!
Feel better soon (your side).

[Moirae]

Imogene, I've been debating on sharing this story. Its my story, and its like a drama television show. I decided that it might be a good idea. The problem is knowing where to start.

When I was 17, I met my first husband in high school. I'd never been.. well the only word for it is "courted" before. He was sweet and thoughtful, an artist. Now, due to my childhood, I always thought men were very frightening things. Oh, I've always liked men, but they were big, powerful, and my mom and dad had a horrible abusive relationship involving alcohol and mental/physical abuse. Men terrified me.

But this boy was so sweet. And he listened to me when I talked. He waited too long to ask me to prom, so I went with an ex boyfriend I was still friends with (the ex and I never did anything together other than hold hands, I was 14 and he was 13 when we went out). So on prom night that boy chased me around. He seriously would not leave me alone, and I was so flattered.

A month after graduation, I already had his phone number but hadn't called him. He was a total computer geek and I utterly screwed up my computer. I can easily fix it now, but back then, I had no idea what I was doing and my mother was LIVID. So I called him up and asked him to come to over to fix it.

And he did. And while he was fixing it, one day he looked at me and asked me if he could kiss me. I said yes and then we were dating ((in my mothers words, its about time. I was 18 and had never had a boyfriend that my mother knew about). The first couple years were great. He was my first kiss, my first hug with a boy, and my first everything else. And we got engaged.

Three months before the wedding, I found out he cheated on me, and it was like my world shattered into pieces. I literally felt my heart break. We were living together by that time, and we'd been together for so long that I didn't want to leave. But I never trusted him again. And it was after that that it started.

He became manipulative and cruel. Thoughtless and mean. He'd do what he called "redding out" where his vision would go red and he wouldn't remember what he did. He started doing things like making me get in the back seat when his friends got in the car so his friends could sit in the front. He started punching holes in the walls when he was angry. My stepdad asked why he did that once and he said "Its better than punching her in the face isn't it?". He'd tell me I was worthless all the time, that my family was a bad influence on me, and he tried to cut me off from my family and friends.

In the meantime, two of my cousins and nearly my sister were killed in a horrible car crash. I will never forget walking into that emergency room to see my sister covered in blood. She's alive, after serious surgery. She's even had a child, whom I absolutely adore. Then my cat died three months later of kidney failure. Then my uncle died three months after that in a head on collision with a police car in South Africa where he was working building a golf course. All these car crashes were caused by drunk drivers, and none of them was my family.

And I had started to go to University to try to better myself and to try to recover from the lies from the man I loved. But the abuse, and the deaths, I was going over the edge. I even begged him to let me see a counselor and he refused saying that he didn't want people to think his wife was crazy. I went into a massive depression. My second in my lifetime.

And things only got worse. To the point where he wanted to move to another city for work and I stupidly agreed to go with him. Only to find I had no friends, no job, there was no house phone and he had the only cell phone. I was cut off from the world worse than ever.

My only refuge was the internet. A friend of ours saw how depressed I was and offered to run a tabletop game of Vampire The Masquerade. For the first time in years, I found myself interested in something. But he could only run the game for two weeks before he had to go back home. He told me about the companies website where I could go play. And go play I did.

It was an MMO but not like Everquest or WoW. This game didn't have graphics, and it was only a chat. But oh it was fun. And I started meeting people on that game and started to get close to them and talk to them. I met my current husband in the first week on there. More on that later.

These people became my friends, and I even started talking to them on the phone, when my then husband would forget it or something.

Finally, one of them said that he'd send me $300 to come to the US to get away from my husband. I agreed because I knew I had to leave. And it had to be a place where he couldn't get me. I was afraid he'd kill me.

My ex knew I was leaving. I told him I'd be gone for a month. I always knew I wasn't coming back to him, but I was too scared to tell him that. He thought I was staying with one of my internet girl friends. And actually I did for about a month or so.

My family was very angry I did this, and my mother even sent the police to check on me. You see, I did it without telling them I was going to. By this time, I was 24 years old.

I stayed in Iowa for a month and a half. Then I wanted to meet other friends I knew from that chat, and went to stay in Ohio for 4 months with other internet friends.

Never was I asked to do anything by any of these people. Not once. I used to sit on the porch and look at the stars thinking about what I wanted from my life for hours on end. And I used to hike in the hills of Ohio with all the greenery and life all around me. It was peaceful. Serene.

To this day, I credit them with saving my life. My family still thinks what I did was a stupid thing. I don't. I think I'd be dead if I hadn't done it. And it completely changed my life.

You see, through all this time, that wonderful man that I met on the net the first week I was there and I had been talking every single night without exception. For hours and hours and hours on end. One night, it was 14 hours. And where I had fallen out of love with my ex long before I left him, I was falling for him and falling hard.

But I was nearing the end of my stay in the US. At that time, you could come down here to stay for 6 months. After that, you were here illegally and you could get booted. If you were booted, it was ten years before you could cross the border again.

So I came to New Orleans. I got off that bus to meet the love of my life, and the moment I saw him it was like lightning struck. The stories talk about love at first sight, and its incredibly rare but I can tell you now that I know it exists. I involuntarily inhaled when I saw him, whispered his name, and leaped into his arms to kiss him. That was in 2001. We have been together ever since.

Thats not to say it had been easy. You see, I had to come back to Canada. In the intervening years, we almost broke up once because of the distance. We talked every night without exception, and we even went a year and a half once without being in each others presence. Its hard. Oh its so hard to do long distance, especially for a long time. But it can be done.

We missed so much. The death of his aunt and grandfather, the death of my mother, hurricane katrina, and a horrific car accident that I was in that left me badly hurt. I was unconscious in the hospital for a week. I had major surgery and now have a rod and plate in my left leg. I had a spleen injury, and bleeding in my brain in two places. I was j-walking and got hit. I only remembered most of my childhood about three months ago, and I cried when I did. My sense of taste and smell are still hurt. I can walk again, but cannot run or carry anything heavier than ten lbs. Standing for hours on end is out of the question. Because I can't exercise properly, I have gained about 60 lbs. But you see, he did the one thing that cemented the fact that he's the one for me and I was willing to do whatever it took to be with him. He borrowed money from everyone he knew and dropped everything to be by my side for a week in the hospital holding my hand. And my mother? Before she died, she gave us her blessing.

We missed alot of each others lives.

We tried three times to get married (the ex and I divorced in 2002 due to my efforts. I filed). Third times the charm I guess. We finally decided the heck with the big wedding. He came to my home city, and we had a small wedding in a park in 2006. There was maybe 15 people in attendance and none of them were his family. My stepdad was best man. My sister was matron of honor. We were married by the equivalent of a JP in Canada. We went to our favorite restaurant after and everyone was just fine with paying for their own meal. We didn't ask for gifts from anyone, just their time to be there with us. I wore a lace shirt, and pants, and he wore a mandarin collar shirt without a tie. It was simply beautiful.

We had a renewal ceremony in New Orleans after I moved down here. His father presided as he was a Methodist Minister and still has the papers, he's just moved to a different job. It was quite beautiful as well. Imagine Jackson Square in June in New Orleans.

We applied for immigration papers for me after that so I moved to the US in 2008. He was working a much better job back then before the economy crashed.

Sometimes I miss home really badly, but I do know that I made the best decision no matter what other people think. I've been here for three years. And we've been married for five. We even had a belated honeymoon in Canada while we waited for the paperwork the next year around the time of our first anniversary.

And you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love him so much. Canada will always be home, but my husband holds my heart.

I needed to restart my life. I've done it twice, the first time when I was much younger and not my choice after my parents split. I'm a very big advocate that if you are depressed, then you need to change your life. Its hard, and usually painful. But it can be done.

I'm happier than I have ever been because I know one thing for sure. That my husband will always be there and he loves me as much as I love him. We have been through hell and back together. We can both be honest and say that we couldn't do this again because its just too hard and we are too old to do long distance like we did. But we did do it. Its like the grandest most romantic adventure in the world. And as aggravating as every day life at my job can be, or with this house, or anything else, the one thing that has always been constant and the one thing I can always trust is us. Together. We can and will make it work so long as we keep communication open, and remember the importance of each other. I think we've only had a real fight maybe once and that was many many years ago. We do have the occasional argument but its over quick because we have learned how to read and talk to each other very easily. My stepdad said about 5 years ago that my husband and I have better communication than people that have been married ten years. And each and every day together is exciting, and fun, and the greatest adventure life can bring. Even when all we're doing is watching tv and playing games on the computer. Its that way because we have fought so hard for it to be that way.

So you know what? Its not exactly the same, but I can relate. I really do understand. I don't think you did this the right way, but I understand. Take from my story what you will.

It can and will be hard for you. But you can make it work. Just remember that you should not feel ashamed to go back to your parents if you need to. They may drive you crazy but they are your parents and they will be there if you need them. Remember to cherish them. One day, they will be gone, just like my mother who was my best friend until the day she died in spite of all the problems we had when I was younger (long story).

One suggestion though... you are 29 now. You aren't a child anymore. Its time to make plans and work toward them. I'm 35 and I'm starting to feel my age. You will start noticing it soon when you start to realize that there is only a small amount of time left to do certain things and start wondering if you need to act before its too late or if you even want to.

Remember, you are responsible for your life and you need to take responsibility for your choices. Even if it blows up in your face. Don't make other people take care of you, you take care of you. Its your job to take care of yourself.

The childish fantasies and seeking adventure in the way you do when you're in your 20's is over. And you will start to feel it soon. Just think about it.