Argh!

[Kanalah]

With the way my schedule is, I literally don't have time to do therapy or anything like that. Quilting is my therapy. Really it's the only thing keeping me sane right now.

What pisses me off the most about his additude is that he knows I came from an abusive house. He knows that by the age of 12 I was doing all the household chores including cooking and lawncare. He told me when we got married that he wanted a partner and a friend, not a maid.

I guess now he just wants a maid.

[AnaKhouri]

Geez, I don't have much advice either but here's a hug.

I too do 100% of the housework, 100% of the shopping and cooking and 98% of the yard work (The Scientist mows the lawn), as well as 90% of the child care. It wears on you. But I only have one kid, and my husband works a bare minimum of 60 hours a week (often more, sometimes up to 100 hours a week). You husband does not have that excuse, I'm guessing.

My husband packs his own damned lunch too.

Will your kids sit and watch TV long enough for you to do some quilting/school work? I don't advocate using TV as a babysitter but if it's just little while until your big show, I don't see a problem with it.

[Nyoibo]

With the way my schedule is, I literally don't have time to do therapy or anything like that. Quilting is my therapy. Really it's the only thing keeping me sane right now.

What pisses me off the most about his additude is that he knows I came from an abusive house. He knows that by the age of 12 I was doing all the household chores including cooking and lawncare. He told me when we got married that he wanted a partner and a friend, not a maid.

I guess now he just wants a maid.

Not that sort of therapy. Couples therapy is designed to facilitate communication, it sounds like hubby either doesn't care or doesn't know how you feel or what's going on, open dialogue either led or encouraged by an independant third party may help either in the former resolve things or in the latter maKe him realise, it can be worth it.

[Greenday]

Quilting may be your way of having a mental vacation and there's nothing wrong with that. It's the same with me and listening to music. But it's not going to fix the problem. It's like putting a band aid on an infected wound with no antibiotic cream. Just a temporary fix but won't solve it in the long run.

I know it's tough when you don't have much free time, but if it in the end, gets your husband to help out more and be less demanding of you, wouldn't it be worth it?

I just don't want to see you try to wish the problem away and have it eat at you until you can't take it anymore. The longer you wait to confront it, the worse it will get and solving the issue now can prevent an unhappy marriage that ends prematurely.

At the very least, confronting him more often about issues would help. Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship and is usually where most go wrong.

[ArcticChicken]

I will second Treasure's suggestions of including a "honey do" list with his packed

I don't. Because you SHOULDN'T PACK HIS LUNCH. He is a big boy, he can do it his own goddamn self.

Just a temporary fix but won't solve it in the long run.

QFT.

Look, you've talked to him about it before, and it clearly doesn't work. It's time for more extreme measures. Much as I'd find the whole passive-aggresive stop doing all the damn chores, etc. route satisfying, it could easily do more harm then good.

Ask yourself a question: do you want this marriage to work?

Given what you've posted, I'm assuming the answer is "yes". In that case you need to make time and see a couple's therapist. Drag his ass in there, because your marriage isn't healthy and it needs a doctor. STAT. If he won't go, go alone, maybe your therapist can help you get through to him.

He is taking advantage of you. He expects you to do 3 or 4 times the amount of work he does, and he's telling you to give up what is, as far as I can tell, one of the few activities you enjoy doing. That isn't right.

Look at the household you grew up in. Look at the household you're in now. See any similarities? 'Cause you just told me you did.

He isn't just going to wake up one day and realize what he's doing to you, you need to make him understand. If he does understand, then you need to get rid of him.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

... Good eye, ArcticChicken.
, Kanala.

[Kanalah]

Well firs thing Saturday we went out and bought a new dishwasher. It should be here Wednesday or Thursday.

After the kids went to bed, I sat him down and we had a "come to Jesus" talk. (as we say in the south). It's seemed to help a bit so far. I just think I have to keep on reminding him that I work a lot longer hours then he does, and that I do need help. He's a nice guy, but I think he forgets that I'm the kind of person that just puts my head down and works until there's nothing left to do. I also end up doing all the work that no one else wants to do.

I noticed one good thing that I did want to share. I was working on Friday getting the sewing room cleaned and organized. My son was home with me while daughter was at her school. My son saw me working and came and helped out without me asking him or anything. And he kept at it until all the chores were finished. So at least when he gets married, I know he'll help out.

[Kiwi]

I got lost at "pack my lunch wifey". My BF wouldn't have lasted very long if he ever tried that with me.
It sounds like you need to have a come to jesus talk with him and by jesus I mean "GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND DO SOME FREAKING WORK BUDDY"

[Kanalah]

Yeah that was pretty much it.

Basically he comes home from work, eats dinner, leaves his dishes on the table and goes and plays on the computer. Leaving me to clean up and take care of the kids and put them to bed. Although now that I have school in the evenings, he has to handle dinner and bedtime 2 nights a week.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

I will admit that I forget. I forget days (I also lose them), days of the week, I forgot what month it was one time (when I bump up to year, then there's a problem), I forget food, hygiene, clothes, chores, dates (as in set up meetings and appointments), homework, books, due dates, money, etc. I even forget to go to the bathroom!
So. I can understand why someone would forget about workloads. Once reminded however... I feel really guilty, especially when it's something like "pick me up" or "birthday."
EDIT: :3 yay for child-help. I'm sure you already know to encourage and reward that type of behavior... preferably with desired treats?

[Kanalah]

My son is really awesome. He wants to help out so I do my best to find something for him to help out with. We do keep a supply of "treats" on hand for him. So far his favorite reward is to go to the fabric store with me. (The nice fabric ladies have a tub of toys to play with.)

I get scatterbrained myself which is why I usually don't ask for help. I know that I'll ask like one time and then if it's not done within a reasonable amount of time, I'll just do it. I grew up with far too many lazy slobs to just let stuff go for too long.

I keep alarms set on my phone so I don't forget to eat lunch or watch for daughter's bus, or call hubby and tell him to come home so I won't be late to class.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Re: the asking then doing it yourself: I have issues getting the dishes done. When I was at home, particularly in high school, it was the boogey-chore. Mom would ask, I would respond-- then forget, not do it, whatever. Then she'd ask again. this was a pattern, getting to nagging levels. Sometimes, however (which pleased me to no end, usually) she'd ask-- when I was already doing them! (or had done them). She always made me do them, though-- just so I'd know that it was my chore that week/time. Trying to instill discipline, my guess.
I'm not suggesting this in so much of a term... just something that happened to me.

[Squeaksmyalias]

I get scatterbrained myself which is why I usually don't ask for help. .

Please learn to ask for help, for your own sake and for the sake of your children who need their Mommy to not be so stressed. If your husband just walks off after dinner leave the plates and go do what you need to, on your way past him ask him to put them away since you are moving on to something else and need the help. If he doesn't, ignore it or remind him until he does it. If he wants a picture perfect home he needs to help make it that way.

He could be the nicest sweetest guy,but you are letting him get away with it. You are a hard working loving woman from what I see and asking for help doesn't make you bad or weak or anything. He needs to help and he needs to show his son, who wants to help you what a man does in the house, and that is to help take care of his wife and family. Part of doing that is helping around the house, and making his own gosh darn lunch! Maybe telling him that he needs to show his children that will be a good wake up call, who knows.

No matter what you DESERVE the help, you are a wonderful person, a good Mommy and a good wife. Don't let anything from the past make you think otherwise.

[Kanalah]

You guys are making me cry, I'm not used to being complimented.

I think Hubby is starting to wake up, he and son have been washing dishes together while we wait for the new dishwasher.

He's also agreed to handle the kids this evening so I can tackle some homework. (If the school's online learning website would co-operate, grrr )

[Kogarashi]

Yay progress!