Relationship advice ...possibly NSFW

[ArcticChicken]

Every time I ask her if there's anything she would like to try, or if there's anything she's curious about I'm meet with the same response essentially " I don't know...what do you want to do?" So it's up to me to steer this ship.

You might just have to keep steering it for a while. Maybe that's what she wants. As long as you stick to "Are you comfortable if we try X?" you'll probably be OK.

We've tried reading books about the subject and watching porn together. Those did not go well.

Didn't go well how? Just didn't click, or squicked her out?

I've got no advice for the latter, but for the former, have you tried written erotica? Watching porn doesn't often do it for me, but I love to read it. Or maybe sharing fantasies?

[dragon_wings]

You might just have to keep steering it for a while. Maybe that's what she wants. As long as you stick to "Are you comfortable if we try X?" you'll probably be OK.

<snip>

I've got no advice for the latter, but for the former, have you tried written erotica? Watching porn doesn't often do it for me, but I love to read it. Or maybe sharing fantasies?

QTF on both counts.

[Der Cute]

I've had feathers, whole chickens, and vanilla flavored cardboard.
Do you two drink at all? The reason I say this is that I KNOW I am less inhibited when I've got a buzz or light alcohol intake.
Talk about things like - Hey, I've had A-Q. You've had A-M. Have you ever thought about N-Q? No? Does stuff like that scare you? (remember, take about 20 min to 30 min over this, do not over stimulate and pressure). Go over this a few times.
Go get the adult toy dice - technique and body part kind. "leg" "kiss" and go from there. Add alcohol if you want. DO NOT GET DRUNK AND PUSH IT.

She needs to be honest with herself and you - "I don't KNOW about Q, and I kinda feel dirty thinking about it" or "Q? Huh? HOW do you do that?" "I promise I'm not making myself do Q just to make you smile"

Good luck...I couldn't get my vanilla cardboard friend to get any funkier, and the guy with the whole chicken..we're expanding towards a turkey farm !

[Seshat]

With me, I just couldn't imagine what N-Q was like. I had no experience, nothing to base the possibilities off.

So reading about it, watching porn, reading erotica .. well. Imagine if you were given a recipe book filled with ingredients and spices you'd never experienced. If you've never eaten nori, raw seafood, soy sauce, or vinegar-flavoured glutinous rice, sushi just sounds weird.

What you have to do is .. well, serve a small amount. Try a single california roll, the small one that can be eaten in a couple of bites. Let her just nibble at it, experience the flavours, and see if it's something she wants to try.

Translating that to, say, sex in bondage, you would use a soft silk scarf, tied loosely enough that if she concentrates, she can get out of it easily. You have bandage scissors and make sure she can see them easily. The sex itself is something you know she thoroughly enjoys, so the only difference is the soft silk and the illusion of bondage. And, of course, you monitor her mood closely.
Or even just say "okay. grip the bedposts, and we'll play 'you can't move your hands'". See how she finds the experience of that.

To flip it around, give her complete control for a session. You two have sex her way. Whatever she wants, you'll do it. Even if it's a foot massage, or for you to feed her ice cream and run a hot bath.
You never know. She might enjoy it.

[Jester]

The comments I've read here have all been very polite and diplomatic.

My comments won't suffer from that particular problem.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. My girlfriend is some one that would do something that she's uncomfortable with, or doesn't like doing just to not disappoint me. I want to avoid this at all cost since it ruins it for both of us and could cause tension.

You're afraid that she won't want to do something, but you are not giving her the chance to make up her own mind. I'm assuming she's an adult, and if so, LET HER BE AN ADULT. Let her make her own decisions. If she is willing to try stuff, and you seem to be saying that she is, let her try it. She may not like all of it, but you may be surprised--she may actually like some or a lot of it. Giving you guys more common sexual ground than you have now.

Stop underestimating your girlfriend and selling her short. Yes, trying things she doesn't like may cause tension, but not broaching the subject with her is clearly already causing tension.

Stop being so damn overprotective and let your grirlfriend be an adult woman and make her own sexual decisions.

Every time I ask her if there's anything she would like to try, or if there's anything she's curious about I'm meet with the same response essentially " I don't know...what do you want to do?" So it's up to me to steer this ship.

You are asking someone that you have said is inexperienced if there's something she'd like to try. Well, she's inexperienced...she doesn't know what there is out there, as you do. She hasn't been exposed to as much. It would be like me taking an automotive mechanical class and having the instructor asking me what part of the car I would like to explore first. I know dick about cars, and I wouldn't even know where to begin, or even what half the systems ARE.

So stop it. Treat her like a woman, and if she needs guidance, as she clearly does--and is willing to take--then steer the fucking ship. You both may be pleasantly surprised at the waters it takes you into.

We've tried reading books about the subject and watching porn together. Those did not go well.

Oftentimes such things don't. Because one or both people are uncomfortable with it. But keep trying new things, and perhaps even try some things you've tried before again. And not to beat the rotting horse corpse, but stop treating her with kid gloves and let her explore with you. If she is half as smart as I hope she is, she'll stop you if you get into something she really doesn't like or is uncomfortable with.

I realize that my posts might make my girlfriend appear to be a prude.

No, they don't. They make you appear afraid of hurting your girlfriend, which is sweet, but they also make you appear afraid of actually broaching this subject with her. Stop running scared, and meet this head on.

There's a phrase out there that you may have heard, and it applies here:

Shit or get off the pot.

Time to grow up, act like the adult you are, and treat your girlfriend like the adult she is. You guys aren't in junior high anymore. (At least, I hope not.)

[Mytical]

All I can say is, read Jester's post. Says about everything. Open, honest communication is good.

[SuperRTL]

Having been on the less experienced side, I'll just add to Jester's advice.

I didn't know what I didn't know. After being in a relationship that was so vanilla I was bored even when the sex was good, I sought out more experienced partners so I could learn. The ones that asked me if there was anything I wanted to try irritated the heck out of me because, seriously, I DIDN'T KNOW!!

They tried things, introduced me to stuff and I had the ability, which I utilized occasionally, to call it off or change course. And, yes, I did some things that I wasn't comfortable with to please a partner because I liked them and knew that they loved it; while I rarely initiated some of that contact, I got pleasure out of knowing they liked it. It was all about give and take and I made sure I made no bones about asking for what I wanted. What has resulted is a family I love and a phenomenal sex life.

Speak up, lead on and let her know she can call it off but for goodness sake, give her a chance to at least start to experience what you enjoy.

[Der Cute]

http://www.youtube.com/user/DanAndJe...50/aV4jvsT8Wgk

I found this channel, and thought it interesting. Honest, to the point, happy, smiling..not embarrassed. Watch these guys for awhile.

And about adding variety to the bed - lets say you ask a person "want something different?" and they say "Uh I dunno", my bet is that they're asking you what you're thinking/want/idea. Often the more vanilly people aren't educated/experienced/knowledgeable/illuminated/read up on it - how would someone know how to make a house with a bunch of 2x4s and nails? Go and ask me if I want to try something besides missionary - and I will say yes, because I know (and can conceptualize) other things. Plus I trust myself and am able to yell "oh HELL NO" and such when needed. Or even "Oh YEAH that's OOOOOOO HHHHHHHH" When you ask someone "Hey wanna do something" and they have no idea that there are other things/flavors..you have to illustrate, coax, gently demonstrate..get the idea in their head. Whether it be video, books, illustrations, hand in a jar of random positions, chat with other people....they don't know unless you tell them.

Kind of on the same idea. When I was first beginning to be a cashier at a gas station, I knew that people smoked ciggys. That's about as far as my knowledge went on ciggies. They existed. Once I got behind the counter, I was like..."omg THAT MANY?" I had had NO idea that there were that many varieties, differences and ways to make a god damn cigarette. Shit, I thought it was tobacco, shoved into a paper tube with a filtery thing on the end. I had NO clue on how many kinds there could be. And now, 20 years later...there's more.
I started out thinking: Marb Reds, Marb Lights, B&H. Now ...Marb Red, Light, Ultra Light, Menthol, Menthol Ultra Light....Camels.....yeah. The concept was there, just not...knowledge. BTW I have no idea how a ciggy tastes either, I'll never smoke. I'll fuck, just not smoke.

[Mytical]

Some good advice here, all I would add is this. Make sure there is a system in place that if something gets uncomfortable for your partner, that it stops. Safe words, any thing really that lets you know to back off and try something else. That way it may be a tad less awkward.

[Jester]

When I was first beginning to be a cashier at a gas station, I knew that people smoked ciggys. That's about as far as my knowledge went on ciggies. They existed. Once I got behind the counter, I was like..."omg THAT MANY?" I had had NO idea that there were that many varieties, differences and ways to make a god damn cigarette.

Similar to my experiences at my bar. We specialize in rum, and people are often shocked to discover that we have about 160 different rums. A common comment: "I didn't know that there were that many rums in the world!" Which is when I tell them that, in actuality, there are about one thousand rums in the world. They didn't know that, because they thought of rum merely as Bacardi, Captain Morgan's, and Malibu, and maybe a few others.

Sex is no different. (Well, it is, of course, as it is not usually 80 proof, bottled, and labeled.....) There are tons of things out there that many people, myself included, are not aware of. The more you know, the more you realize you don't know.

My guess is that Ms. Girlfriend just doesn't know.

[Pony_Boy]

WOW I forget about this thread for a couple of days and a truck load of advice gets dropped at me feet! You guys rock!!

As it turns out I took the advice and had a great honest and frank talk with the girlfriend ( with a couple of glasses of red wine to help loosen things up) You guys and gals hit the nail on the head, She truly does want to spice things up but she just doesn't know where to start and finds the whole thing overwhelming.

After some discussion where I lead her gently through a couple of scenarios, she admitted that she really likes the idea of being handcuffed or tied up. I mean really really likes the idea

Not quite yathzee but a damn fine start!!!

Thanks again people

[Der Cute]

Pony:
Any sexual/erotic act where someone's got over 50% of the control during a session - THERE MUST BE A SAFEWORD. It's not just for the people who get spread eagled on a rack with chains and belts and noisy things in the room with them. It's for anyone who's going to CONSCIOUSLY give up more than 49% of the control.
So your session with soft ties - yalls still need a safeword or something to mean "Back off Jack NOW". Literally drop what you're doing, back up and stop EVERYTHING going on. I've been reading up on BDSM stuff, and there's a way I liked reading about. It's Green Yellow Red. Same idea as a intersection light. Green means OK I like. Yellow - caution, approaching OD or OW or something...Red as STOP NOW.
This word or command is..sacred. Make it yours, both of yours. (I have a word I used to say to a BF and he'd melt, the memories were so good for him). Make it special for you two.

A FWB and I are exploring whole chickens and going towards turkey farms (upthread) and we've already had this talk. My ex-bf? We were more vanilly, and we both understood that stop meant stop. But how often do you hear the word stop when you're mid-shag? (different contexts!) This is why FWB and I have agreed on another word.

It works. This way, if I'm giving up control and trust, I can still stop things if they're going south.

Go to the adult toy store and get the dice. You two could just have a glass, roll the dice, start with that. And you know she wants ^^. Fine - go SLOWLY. Start super loose on the restraints. Scarves for now, for you both. But I think since she can only see a huge pool of concepts, not techniques...smaller things. Got any books to point fingers at and say "Oh that looks kind of fun" (Position of the day book, get it). Have her read erotica/kinky stuff.

Remember that three is a big number in psych/learning. No more than 3 things per teaching lesson. 3 new things per week..SLOW. (but go past 3 bottles of red if you want hahah lol)

Enjoy

[Mytical]

Der Cute hit the nail on the head. On one hand it takes a lot of trust to give up control, so that means your girl trusts you A LOT. That is a good thing. On the other you have a responsibility now. You have to think of them first, and make sure that they are taken care of. Which definitely means a safe word..and if a gag is involved..a safe gesture (but still check on them from time to time removing the gag).

And as Der Cute says..stop everything if the word or gesture is used..not in a few minutes, not even a few seconds..right then.

[ArcticChicken]

Scarves for now, for you both.

Velcro. When my BF and I were first experimenting with bondage we bought some velcro cuffs. Enough to make things interesting, easy to get out of if you need to.

[Treasure]

consider "roll play"; costumes....

my ex and I one night he started off giving me a massage... that turned into sex; but we kept up a string of commentary (until talking was no longer coherent) about how I was getting a "special massage" and my "husband" couldn't find out about the "special tool" ....... it was silly, I wasn't cheating, but it added that element of "naughty".....

we've also done the professor & student type roll play in the same way, also I've worn some costumes....

consider taking sex out of the bedroom... (if you can) try the living room, or the shower... (I am not going to suggest public places, but if you do it is at your own risk, make sure you know the local laws on that before taking that chance...)

try taking her to an "adult store"; preferably one that is classy, not seedy.... just go in to explore - see what toys etc she looks at, and goes "oh, that could be fun"... etc...