Am I overreacting?

[Seraph]

Been a rough few months for me and the family recently. Most recent of which was finding out that my grandmother and my husband's grandfather were both diagnosed with cancer within the same week. The prognosis have been steadily worse and worse for both, with each of them being hospital-bound/home-bound, respectively.

However, late last week I got a phone call giving me the wonderful news that my grandmother had some surgery (they didn't originally want to go that route, as she's very frail), survived, and they're 99% sure they got all the cancer. (Yaaaay!)

This next part is where I'm worried I'm making too much of a deal about this. I was talking to my mother about how happy I was about my grandmother, and she segued into telling me how she met up with one of my favorite uncle's sister. I was thrilled, and asked how my uncle was doing, because I loved him to pieces. He was a really great guy, and when we lived in that area, I was always going over to his house to hang out, play Nintendo, and generally talk about video games with him, or his old job as a limo driver in NY. (Some crazy stories there, LOL)

My mother got quiet, and then said "Honey, we didn't tell you this, but your uncle died a few years ago. I'm sorry." I was floored. Nobody TOLD ME. I couldn't even really talk at that point, I was just...shocked speechless. Turns out, nobody wanted to tell me when he passed because, well, I was in a bad place at the time. So I guess they didn't want to add onto the burden by telling me the news. But now I'm finding out that he passed away, and he was only in his early thirties!

I sat down and cried for a while, and my mother got all upset that I was "making such a big deal of this, it was years ago anyways". I had to hang up because I just couldn't really talk at the time of course, and I didn't want to hear any more of "for the love of....he's been dead for years, stop overreacting, you're being a **** drama queen. Sure its sad he died so young, but get over it."

Am I overreacting? I can't believe they didn't tell me, and its just....I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe I didn't even KNOW he was gone! I honestly don't even know how to deal with this. I'm kinda half in shock still, I think. I'm not sure. I really don't even know. But what I do know is that I really can't look at this neutrally, so I'd like a second opinion, but I can't bring it up to my husband, knowing what he's going through right now.

[BroSCFischer]

Are you overreacting? In a word, no.

He may have died "years ago" but to you it is as fresh as if it just happened. You are now going through the grief that they went through already.

Grieve all you want, because you are NOT overreacting.

SC

[TawnyMyst]

No I don't think you're over reacting. To them knowing about, they have had time to process the grief. You have just been told about it, so he may have died a few years ago but to you the grief is as fresh as if he died yesterday and now you need time to grieve. Big hugs to you and know that we are all here for you to talk to if you need it.

[CalyCoRose]

What Tawny and Bro both said. You just found out about it. Everyone else has had time to come to terms with his death. Grieve as long and as much as you want to. We at CS understand and will be here for you. :hugs:

[Raveni]

Are you crying because of your feelings of loss (from your Uncle) or the feelings of shock (from your Mother)? Either way (or both, most likely), those feelings are real, and you have every right to feel that way. It may take a while to work through the process, but I'm sure that you will get there.

I would ask you to reconsider sharing this with your husband. You have both gone through a lot together already, and it really helps to have that extra support. Besides, when would be a good time to tell him? Wait a few years, like your mother did?

[Dilorenzo]

Tell your mother that you wouldn't be being such a "drama queen" if she had bothered to tell you in the first place. You're not overreacting in the least. Suddenly finding out someone you cared about died is bad enough, but finding out no one could be bothered to tell you? That's worthy of some "overreaction."

[morgana]

What DiLorenzo said. Gods, what a shitty thing to do to someone. And then to tell you you're "over-reacting"?!?!?

Not to talk trash about your mom, but she needs a whack with the clue-by-four.

[Jester]

Are you overreacting?

Hell no.

Your mother, however, IS.

Look, the fact is that he did die several years ago, yes. But did you know about it then? No. You just found out. He was your favorite uncle. Of course you're going to be upset. That is normal.

Your mother's reaction to your reaction is callous and cold, not to mention inconsiderate, as she and the rest of your family are the ones that kept this news from you.

From my own life, many many years ago, my mother made the mistake of keeping something like this from me for a few days. I made it abundantly clear, in my own particular way, that when anything like that happens, I want to KNOW, and I want to know NOW. And while I appreciated the idea of her trying to spare me some hurt, I always preferred a painful truth to a comforting lie. That's always how I've lived my life, and after making that very clear to my mother, she has never, ever done that again.

I think you should make it equally clear to your mother that her behavior was completely unacceptable to you, both in the keeping of information from you and her reaction to your grief upon hearing the news of your favorite uncle's death for the first time.

Personally, I find the second part far more disturbing. I can see where they are coming from in keeping such news from you for a time, although several years seems a bit excessive. But then to compound things by scolding you for having the nerve to grieve?

Fuck that. I'd be pissed. Righteously and rightfully pissed.

To be perfectly blunt, anyone, be it your mother or anyone else, who begrudges you your feelings of grief needs to shut the fuck up. They're the ones that "need to get over it."

[Seraph]

Thank you all. I think Raveni is partially correct about part of the hurt also coming from my mother. This is actually not the first time she's done that.

I still remember this from when I was a kid. I came home from my birthday party, and saw her on the phone. She informed me that one of my best friends had killed himself, and she was speaking to his aunt right then. I immediately burst into tears (of course!), and she went so far as to start screaming at me right there. I actually went upstairs to my room, hid in my closet, and cried there, and she hung up, came upstairs, and yelled at me again for being "so overdramatic". I'm pretty sure I just left the house at that point. I don't really remember much. She explained it off later as she was trying to keep the aunt calm...well then...she could've waited until she was OFF THE PHONE.

She also did the same when I lost Kyo. I left a voicemail, sobbing, and she called me back, furious that I left it like that because "she thought something actually serious might have happened."

So you know what, Jester's completely right. I've let her do this to me too many times. I'm going to confront her, and talk to her about just how much this hurts me when she does that.

I would ask you to reconsider sharing this with your husband. You have both gone through a lot together already, and it really helps to have that extra support. Besides, when would be a good time to tell him? Wait a few years, like your mother did?

....Ouch. But a very good point. I'm going to slink away now, because that's a fairly painful realization.....but a very, very good point. ><

[ArcticChicken]

Everyone's covered what I was going to say, so I'll just give you some instead.

[Dilorenzo]

Damn straight you confront her. With the full internet rage of CS behind you

[MaggieTheCat]

Yeah, basically what everyone else has said. You're not over-reacting and your mother is a real piece of work for keeping this from you, AND for scolding you then for being upset about it. Here's some more hugs, and kitty snuggles if you want them.

[RootedPhoenix]

I can't believe she did that to you! No, you're not overreacting, she's just being nasty.

*hughughug*

[Jester]

So you know what, Jester's completely right. I've let her do this to me too many times. I'm going to confront her, and talk to her about just how much this hurts me when she does that.

Uncle Jester's Advice Time:

When you do this, speak firmly, clearly, calmly, and directly. Make clear your points, do not get dramatic or emotional about it, and do not raise your voice. Explain rationally and calmly why you are upset with her about these things, and no matter what happens, even if she yells at you, rants, raves, beats the neighborhood water buffalo with a cricket bat, whatever, do NOT allow yourself to lose your calm and rational demeanor. You can bawl later if you need to, but simply return any theatrics from her with a cool and calm stare, and wait patiently for her to stop talking/ranting so that you can make any rebuttals you feel necessary.

Then, when you are done, and you know your point has been made (even if you are unsure if it's registered), calmly thank her for letting you speak your mind (whether or not she did), and calmly and coolly walk away.

[Seshat]

... and then come online into this thread and rant at us about how awful she was, crying or screaming at the keyboard if necessary. But SHE should never, ever, see that.