Need A Diplomatic Way To Say.....

[blas]

I already asked my mom, and she had some decent advice, and not that I don't want to listen to her, but I'd also appreciate some of you guys' input as well.

Right now, my bf has applied for a shift transfer at work so that he can work the same shift as me. We've been on opposite shifts for 6 months, and even though we make it work, it is hard to see each other. However, knowing how he can be, I'm not just assuming, I know that if he gets it, he's going to think that we're going to spend every waking moment together, or at the least, every day off of work together.

And I'm a total creature of habit. I have a routine and I like it. I'm not going to forgo the gym, laundry morning at my parents' house, Sunday dinner at my parents' house, or my errands and running around I like to do, and my beloved cleaning time just to spend more time with him. I'm not refusing to be flexible, but I'm not going to skip out on what I already do just to spend more time with him unless we plan ahead of time and I can still squeeze in my workouts or errands.

Sure, it sounds bitchy, but I like to do what I do when I do it. And I don't want to let my place get messy or stuff go undone because he wants to spend several days together without time for me to clean up or get my routine back in order.

I already know it's going to be hard to approach, because he's the type where if you say something he doesn't want to hear, he shuts down immediately and either ignores you right off or just walks away. We got into it right before Christmas because he was upset that we weren't going to spend that Friday night together because I already had laundry to do (if I DON'T do my laundry, I will NOT have clean clothes for work. I only have so many work clothes) and I had a doctor's appointment, and I had a lot of wrapping gifts to do and stuff to pack to stay at my parents' the rest of the weekend. He got upset that I was "putting the gym and the doctor" before him, in his words.

My mom said not to approach the subject unless he starts with the clinging, because it would just upset him and make it harder on me. Which, she has a great point, but I want him to have ample warning and notice that IF he gets this job, before he accepts it and signs the paperwork, he needs to know that this isn't going to change everything, and this doesn't automatically mean that now we are going to spend every moment together.

So, which is the right way?

[Jester]

Dude sounds like a walking roll of Saran Wrap. The more you tell us about him, the more he sounds like a tool to me.

That aside, you don't strike me as someone who is going to have a problem being straightforward. If, however, you don't want to be as blunt as we all know you can be, I might offer him a variation on this:

I know...he's going to think that we're going to spend every waking moment together, or at the least, every day off of work together.

And I'm a total creature of habit. I have a routine and I like it. I'm not going to forgo the gym, laundry morning at my parents' house, Sunday dinner at my parents' house, or my errands and running around I like to do, and my beloved cleaning time just to spend more time with him. I'm not refusing to be flexible, but I'm not going to skip out on what I already do just to spend more time with him unless we plan ahead of time and I can still squeeze in my workouts or errands.

Sure, it sounds bitchy, but I like to do what I do when I do it. And I don't want to let my place get messy or stuff go undone because he wants to spend several days together without time for me to clean up or get my routine back in order.

I want him to have ample warning and notice that IF he gets this job, before he accepts it and signs the paperwork, he needs to know that this isn't going to change everything, and this doesn't automatically mean that now we are going to spend every moment together.

And whatever you do, even though you know he "gets that way," don't actually SAY "I know you get that way" or anything like that. Don't give him any reason to be on the defensive.

I still think he'll GET defensive and BE a tool, but I'm just suggesting that you don't give him an easy excuse to do so.

[blas]

Oh trust me, mom already advised me of that.

Her suggestion was to take myself out of the equation, and asked "Is he going to be happier in general working your shift instead of his?" and I said "Yes" because I know he will be. He hates his shift and the majority of the people he works with. And I don't blame him. His shift is worse than mine with the childish behavior and the mind games and backstabbing.

So while that was good advice, even though I don't feel personally responsible for making him happy or not, I feel it'd be only fair to warn him because I don't want him thinking things will be a certain way, sign those papers, then realize they aren't.

[Jester]

Based upon what you've told us about him, that is exactly what he will think, so it's best to be forthright about your views on the subject so he is not surprised by it.

[Kittish]

Here's how I would approach it, at least to start: "Dear, you know I love spending time with you, and wish that we could be together all of the time, but I do have responsibilities that I have to tend to. You're welcome to accompany me on some of them, but others, well, you'd just be bored. Besides, I know you need time to tend to your responsibilities as well."

However, sounds like this probably wouldn't work, based on your description of him. So... *hands you a clue by four* This might wind up being your only option. Diplomacy doesn't always work.

As far as him accusing you of putting the gym and doctor ahead of him, an appropriate response might be 'Yes, I am putting my own health ahead of you. You have a problem with that why?'

[Lyse]

I would be up front with him before it becomes an issue, in a non confrontation way. Maybe a "once we are working the same shift, what are your expectations?" type of thing. That lays the groundwork for letting him know your expectations without coming across as 'laying down the law' attitude. When my roommates (and best friend for 15+ years) moved in, it was completely understood beforehand that as much as I love them there would be times that I will spend in my room to get some space. Luckily, they were already well aware of my anxiety/social issues and totally understood.

[Greenday]

Maybe ask him why he's specifically doing it. Is it because he wants to spend every waking moment with his blasywasy? Or is it because he just hates his current shift?

[sms001]

Be sure HE is absolutely clear that he is doing this for himself. From the previous posts, it seems that the "I changed my whole life around for you...." could be a coercion point for him.

[blas]

Well see, if he lived near me, I'd suggest he work out with me, but I know he'd give me that "Are you serious?!" Look. We've gone for plenty of walks when it was more tolerable outside, so it's not like he won't get up and do anything, but there's no way I could get him to lift weights or play ball with me. But we have had some good several mile walks before, granted it was well before this winter shit happened. Even with the mild winter we've had thus far, I still can't tolerate being outdoors longer than to have a smoke or walk to my car.

I kind of want to play up how much he enjoys his video games and stuff he does online, and relate it to my own free time and how I like to spend it exercising, discount shopping, and making food/cleaning. Because I would hate to think he'd want to give up what he enjoys doing when I'm busy at work just because he got the transfer.

[blas]

Oooooh lord, that did not go well.

He immediately asks "Why, did you think I'd be mad about it?!" when I explained how things wouldn't change much, and I said "Yes, I did think you would be." so then of course I get "Gee great, you think I'm psycho!"

I stayed neutral and to the point. Never said you were psycho, just wanted to make sure you didn't get your hopes up. I explained because of how he reacted about Christmas, this was why I felt the need to bring it up before we knew any news.

Of course, he was totally in the right about Christmas because I didn't want to spend "any" time with him, and it hurts him to think that I think he'd be ridiculous to expect that we'd spend every moment together.

The other day, he copped a small attitude about me having plans for this coming Sunday afternoon with family......which I had also explained after his above explosion when I say we can't hang out and you hang your head or get quiet, I know you don't handle that well. He says "Actually I'm RELIEVED now because you've been so rude to me lately!"

Ahh oh well. Give him two or three days. He may talk to me again by then. Until then, suck on that pacifier, baby.

[Becks]

Blas, FFS, what the hell do you see in him? I mean, really.

[trailerparkmedic]

I know you've mentioned that you live in a small town, and he's certainly better than your ex, but really? This is the best guy out there for you? Not to be crass, but if you were my friend I'd be asking if he was really THAT good in bed.

[blas]

I don't live in a small town, actually. Haven't in a few years. I live in a small area (as in, nowhere near like the Metropolitan areas of Minnesota and over on the other side of the state here), but a rather big city.

I don't want to date around. That game is a nightmare. If the Whiner doesn't grow up, I'm staying away from more than friends with the males for a long time. It's such a headache with some people.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Its seriously unlikely he is going to change. No, fuck that. He's not going to change. And just think ...he's actually on his best behavior at this point.
There are grown men out there who are worth a damn, however you are not available.
Something to think about.
With respect, I believe you allow yourself to settle for less than you are worth. Being single has quite a bit of charm.Don't be so quick to be exclusive with someone just because you think you need someone. You don't.

[Treasure]

He says "Actually I'm RELIEVED now because you've been so rude to me lately!"
Ahh oh well. Give him two or three days. He may talk to me again by then. Until then, suck on that pacifier, baby.

Blas Honey, this relationship is already over... when you both are talking/acting/thinking this way the death knell has begun, its only a matter of declaration at this point.

acknowledge it, and walk away; walk away now so that you can hopefully look back and remember the good things about the relationship.

he already has you tiptoeing around on eggshells, which is stressing you out; you can't talk to him without seriously analyzing every possible reaction from him - which stresses you out...

I could go on, but I think the pattern has already established itself - a relationship should bring out the best in you, balance your weaknesses, and help you grow....

at this point I have to agree with TPM - if the sex ain't mind-blowing awesome what are you getting out of the relationship?