Need A Diplomatic Way To Say.....

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Unless you're having mind blowing sex every waking moment of being together, it doesn't even matter that if the sex is mind blowing or not.

From what you've told us, nobody is that good. NOBODY.

[Jester]

Oooooh lord, that did not go well.

And nobody is really all that surprised by this.

He immediately asks "Why, did you think I'd be mad about it?!" when I explained how things wouldn't change much, and I said "Yes, I did think you would be." so then of course I get "Gee great, you think I'm psycho!"

Maybe because you ARE.

Ahh oh well. Give him two or three days. He may talk to me again by then.

For your sake, I hope not.

Face it, Blas, this dude is walking Saran Wrap. He clings, he whines, he cries, he pouts, he complains, he bitches....hell, I wouldn't be even slightly surprised if you told us he stomped his foot and threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue.

I called him a junior high schooler in previous posts, and I was wrong. Dude's an eight year old.

Walk away now while you still have your dignity and self-respect. Lord knows he'll never have those things himself.

[hornet95]

I'm thinking 'unannounced weekend trip to <insert favorite place 2 hours away here>'. Be gone for a day or two. With the cell phone off or ignoring him. Let him stew.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

You know, since he loves to give the silent treatment, that's an excellent idea. Next time he pulls that, say "I need to talk to you about something." if he persists, blow town and don't take his calls.

When he calls you on it, say "Well, asshole, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

[ArcticChicken]

From what you've told us, nobody is that good. NOBODY.

Speaking as someone who has mind blowing sex on a regular basis, this is the gospel truth. I would not put up with the shit you put up with just for the sex. And, frankly, he sounds far too selfish for the sex to be good, much less mind blowing.

[blas]

As fun and tempting as you guys make it to be, I'm not going to stoop to that level. I'm really trying to make an effort (in general, especially with work) to not let people get to me. I guess I have played a few mind games because with coworkers, I've tried a new approach, where they expect a certain reaction out of me and I react differently, it's already blown a few minds.

I will state for the record I don't believe I've ever tried to CHANGE him, I've been working with him, and not just for my own self, but also because I know that he has a problem in general getting along with others. I mean, sure, ultimately, if he wants to hide in his room the rest of his life and genuinely doesn't want to be around anyone or only one or two people, that's fine, but I also know that if he doesn't try to make a single effort to act a little more grown up and get USED to being around people and the fact that NO ONE is perfect and always says or does the right thing, and that many, many people will say things that don't make sense or don't always sound good, you have to be a big person and swallow hard, learn to accept people as they are, and not write everyone off as "stupid" or "mean" because at one time in the many years you've worked with them, you've been insulted by something they've said or done.

I mean, when I was in my later teens and maybe very early 20s, I USED to analyze everything someone said and find a way to make it an insult or hurtful thing directed at me. I used to memorize things people once said to me and save them for later to hurl it back at them just to make them feel as bad as they "made" me feel at one time, before I got out on my own and after a while realized was being such a fucking immature baby and that not everyone hates me or is against me or wants to hurt me and there is no reason to hold on to things people have said or done that are so petty and minor.

What really makes it hard is some people have come up to me and said "I am so happy you're patient and working with him. He could have a lot more friends and really come out of his shell if he listened to what you tell him."

I was convinced at first his only friends were people he plays online with, but I did meet one once. Apparently, we all went to school together, and I never knew it, but then again, at that time, I was HIM and hated everyone and felt everyone was a threat to me and never took the time to get to know anyone that I didn't feel would "understand" me.

[Jester]

What really makes it hard is some people have come up to me and said "I am so happy you're patient and working with him. He could have a lot more friends and really come out of his shell if he listened to what you tell him."

And that is probably true. Sadly, from all you've told us, he is NOT listening to you, and continues to be a whining petulant pouting child.

Look, we can't make you dump his sorry ass, and we're not going to try. We can only suggest what we think is best for you, since you brought this issue to us. I have made my feelings on the subject, and on him, very well known, so I'm not going to repeat them here.

But I am going to say that sometimes, even quite often, people don't change, despite our best efforts. It's hard to recognize it, of course, but that is the sad and very common truth. Which brings the very obvious question: with all you've done for him, IS he making an effort to change? Or is he still behaving pretty much the same exact way he was before.

And the answer is not one you should be providing to US. This is a question that you need to ask and answer for YOURSELF.

[MoonCat]

I have to second what Jester days, and also point out that while you may not feel you are actively trying to change him, what you're doing in working with him is still in the area of getting him to change. And only he can do that.

From your description, it's clear that you recognized what attitudes were holding you back, and you changed your own way of handling things. You have matured. He has not. He won't, unless he also recognizes that what's causing his unhappiness is largely his own attitude. He must have some good qualities, too, for you to want to be with him. But there is no special formula, no magic words, you can use to make him focus more on those good qualities and less on the bad ones. There are no special words you can say that will make him go "Hey! You're right! I need to change this!" He has to figure that out for himself.

[blas]

I wouldn't say I matured. I was already a lot more mature, but that's because I've been out on my own for quite a while, learned a lot about myself and others, and have dropped a lot of petty things that used to drive me batty and get in the way of healthy friendships/relationships and whatnot. He hasn't had much experience on his own. There's a story behind it, it saddens me, but he stays with his mother because he doesn't want her to lose her house, because if she does, then his young brother will have to live with the kid's father (different dad) and the guy is a toolbag. He helps her pay the mortgage and he gets his own part of the house to himself, which is pretty fair....and while I'm not trying to rip on people living at home (because I have to move back myself this spring because I've been so irresponsible with my shopping problem and "having" to have a brand new car), mixing that still being baby'ed with his refusal to actually interact with others other than me and my family is just odd.

Funny thing is....my parents like him way more than the ex. But, they like quiet people. They already have two obnoxious kids who will never shut the hell up and are opinionated assholes, so bringing in someone who barely speaks and is just pleasant and respectful of them....they enjoy it.

[Jester]

And while all very informative and insightful, not one word of that explains why in the flying hell you are still with such a clingy, whiney, annoying little schoolboy.

[MoonCat]

I've been out on my own for quite a while, learned a lot about myself and others, and have dropped a lot of petty things that used to drive me batty and get in the way of healthy friendships/relationships and whatnot.

Well, that is maturity right there. And that is a quality of yours that your BF would do well to emulate.

[blas]

It took a while to get there, as I'm sure members on this site who have known me for years can attest to.

If I can be an ass myself, I don't think it's the right approach to be name-calling or cursing about someone's boyfriend when, perhaps you wouldn't tolerate it for one moment, doesn't mean others aren't willing to. People on this site get quite preachy over how they'd drop people like hot potatoes for every kind of reason, but I really wonder if they'd actually apply their own preaching if the situation were them, or if it just makes them feel better to provide their two cents.

[Ree]

This is getting a little heated.

blas has already explained her side of things.

I would ask that others remain respectful and constructive when offering advice.

Her question was to find a diplomatic way to approach her boyfriend about a situation that was bothering her.
I don't recall seeing anywhere in her OP where she asked for advice on how to dump the guy.

[Jester]

I for one would like to apologize to Blas if I was one of the ones that seemed overly preachy. Lord knows MY love life has not been a model of perfection in any way (when I had a love life, that is). I never meant to offend you, and if I did, I am sorry.

That being said, when you come on asking advice about a guy and paint the only picture we have of him, and it is not a pretty one, it is a bit difficult to offer that advice without drawing conclusions about the guy in question. I have made my opinions about him more than well known, so I won't do that any more. It is also rather difficult to see someone we care about with someone that at least some of us feel is bringing you down, when we feel you can do better. This applies not only to Blas (who we do clearly care about), but to people in our lives that we care about that we feel could do so much better than the partner they are currently with. This is not a first time thing for me, and sometimes I can get a bit heated about my opinions on such matters, as I have seen it time and time again.

I will, however, point out that in my first post I did offer advice on how to broach this particular subject with him. Which, as I recall, was to be very direct with him about it, rather than beating around the bush. I stand by that advice, based upon what little I know of your situation and his personality.

Other than that, I will say no more on this subject, other than to once again apologize if anything I have said has caused offense.

Jester, bowing gracefully out of this thread.

[protege]

Her question was to find a diplomatic way to approach her boyfriend about a situation that was bothering her.

I'm surprised that nobody mentioned the obvious. What's wrong with simply being honest with the guy?