Sooo what do you do when you don't want to get married? (long)

[Amethyst Hunter]

My .02: DON'T DO IT.

If he proposes and you say yes knowing full well you don't want to go through with most or any of what you've listed here, IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE. Don't do this to yourself.

Be honest, have a full-out discussion of each and every item. Frankly, given what you've said here, I would NOT hitch to this guy. At all, even without a marriage license. It just sounds to me like he expects you to take on certain roles that you aren't interested in, and he doesn't appear to grasp how important some things are to you (like the no-kids deal. That's nonnegotiable in any arrangement - you either want them or you don't. You CANNOT "return" kids you don't want once you have them.). Those are huge honking red flags IMO.

[Solumina]

It sounds like you guys have some communication issues. I don't think he is consciously being dismissive but he just can't understand where you are coming from and that can cause serious problems down the line. You may want to look into couple counseling, it wouldn't necessarily need to be a long term thing but could be a big help in allowing him to empathize with you and for you to get things across more firmly, while still avoiding arguments.

[blas]

I don't want to get married either, and if I do, oh trust me, no sane man would ever agree to what has to be done to marry me.

My rules are:

I will most likely NOT change my last name. Unless yours is easier to spell, or by some chance cooler than mine. Don't like it? Don't ask me to marry you.

I don't want kids. If there's any chance I'll change my mind, it will be much later in the future, as in, not the normal time when people have their first baby. Can't handle it? Don't ask me to marry you.

Pre-Nuptual agreement. Not just for rich and famous people. What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, what we buy together or share, we will legally find a way to give it a name or place. On the offside chance things go wrong, I'm not ending up on the street with just a few boxes of clothes and not a dime to my name.

Speaking of dimes......NO joint banking accounts. My money is my money. I've worked too damn hard in my life to have some guy have access to it. With that, MY own insurance, your own insurance, unless one of us happens to have some fabulous job with amazing benefits (haha, doubt it). Easier and safer this way.

Yeah. I will be an old cat lady. And I'm totally looking forward to it.

Pardon the thread jack. Just know you aren't alone in your thoughts and feelings.

[Der Cute]

If/when (aka do it dammit) you have your Discussion On Issues, do this for him: Make an appointment. Really. "Honey, I need to talk to you about some serious stuff. Can we do that later today, or maybe tomorrow?" This way he's not blindsided and put on the spot.

You COULD give him an idea "Honey, it's about moving, I've got some thoughts on that"

Remember to keep it short, like 30, 45 minutes. People (including you) get overloaded.

Do your best to keep it factual, calm, REAL LISTENING. And there's no requirement to have it hashed out in one session. "Sweety, looks like you're getting overloaded, I'm getting frustrated myself. Should we re-visit this in a day or two?" (now pay attention here. If he says No, we're ok, keep going, yes, do that. If he says No, no more discussion..is he dropping the ball/hiding?)

You could bring some munchies or coffee or something, holding onto an object seems to calm me down. Plus I can't punch him when I'm holding my soda can :P

Decide as you go what you are willing to bend and not bend on (someone else said that, they're right)

This relationship will either get really strong and ironed out or go kaput. That is my opinion, and I really hope it gets ironed out.

[tropicsgoddess]

I know people that have been together for years and even had kids and weren't married or just some that had kids then did the courthouse marriage thing sometime later. I would talk it over with him to be honest.

[Bright_Star]

Just because someone proposes to you doesn't mean that your answer must be yes. You're under no obligation to say yes just because that's what he's expecting you to say. He's a big boy, he'll get over it if you say no...lol.
Take your time & do what's in your best interests even if it conflicts with his intrerests.
Don't get married just to please him or anybody else.

[blas]

Just to be clear, are you certain he'd actually propose to you in public to guilt you into saying yes?

Because if that's not just a worry, more like an actual hunch, wow, I'd be worried if I were you.

[MoonCat]

You love him. That's good. But you do not have accord on what you want out of life. The details are for you to work out, but I would agree that you probably should not marry him while this absence of agreement exists. That doesn't mean you can't stay together, obviously.

One other point: Don't let anyone tell you to compromise unless they understand what it means. It means that BOTH sides give up something, and BOTH sides get something. Too often, I see the word used to mean that one of the parties totally gives in to the other. That's not compromise.

[ShadowBall]

I guess I wasn't sure what to do in the event he proposed because I'd feel silly saying, "Oh, well, no. We have to talk about stuff first" in response to "Will you marry me?" And I don't think he'd propose in public to try and make me say yes, but more like I could see him doing it because showing the whole wide world what he's doing is obviously more romantic.

As it stands, neither of us is in a position to make drastic life changes yet, so it's not an issue this very second. And I don't think we'd be able to afford any kind of counseling (and I hear a LOT of counselors will side with the person who wants children when an issue is "I want kids, s/he doesn't"). I'd rather not spend $200 an hour to have someone sit there and tell me I need therapy because all women want kids and obviously I'm crazy for not wanting them.

Even if I wanted kids, I would likely never have any because I would never be able to afford them. I most likely won't even be able to afford to live myself, let alone having to worry about feeding some child. Sure, a kid would mean a larger welfare check, but still not worth it to have one.

Something else I thought of (and this is a pretty trivial thing): people dance at wedding receptions. I have no idea how to dance and I am not graceful on my feet at all. I think it would look silly if the bride sat out every single dance because she's got nothing but left feet. BF can't dance either.

Thanks again for the advice, everyone. Should the time come to use it, I'm sure it'll be helpful. Also, from now on, I will only be lurking on this site. Any further responses this gets, I promise they will be read, even if I don't say anything.

[shadowpanda]

I am not trying to threadjack, but I feel like I am literally in this situation myself.

My other half 'proposed' about a year ago and we were due to get married April this year. Last weekend I called off the wedding because he is having doubts about the relationship and doesn't know whether they are doubts about getting married, or about the relationship.
I thought he did want to marry me (I want to spend the rest of my life with him, married or not) but the 'proposal' was more of a "shall we get married then?" rather than an "I want to marry you", and now I think back, his heart never seemed to be really in it.
I have now had the week from Hell whilst he tries to figure out what is going on in his head and whether or not he still wants to be with me at all.

We came very close to splitting about 5 months ago when he had a freak out about his/our future. He wants to move south int he near future and felt like he was forcing me (he wasn't - I just took a lot of time to come round to the idea) and he doesn't want kids in the next 5-7 years and he thought I did.

I love him with all my heart and he still loves me. If he doesn't want to marry me, that's fine. I would rather have 50 years with a loving boyfriend than a week with a husband before it all went tits up.

If you really do have such different life goals, I do have to wonder what the future holds for you both children are not something I have found that people can compromise on; one of you will end up unhappy and possibly resenting the other. Similarly with the living arangement, either your career might stumble, making you unhappy, or he moves away from his family which might make him miserable.

A wedding is only one day (well kind of, it's a lot of planning and money and stress) and could maybe be compromised. But children and place to live really can be deal breakers

I wish you luck because I have had this conversation. It is hard, I cried, he cried it sucked! We almost cracked, we gave it another shot and 5 months down the line we have possibly reached breaking point.

I really feel for you, I'm here if you want to talk

[Seshat]

I guess I wasn't sure what to do in the event he proposed because I'd feel silly saying, "Oh, well, no. We have to talk about stuff first" in response to "Will you marry me?"

Far better to feel silly than to end up marrying someone just to avoid feeling silly!

[Kittish]

My own 2 cents here- Absolutely, make an appointment with him for a serious sit down discussion and talk over all the issues you raised here. If he tries to blow it all off, well, that's an answer of sorts, isn't it? If he says he needs time to think it all over, then make another appointment with him for a week later.

Kids- I've never wanted kids, and don't expect to change my mind on that score. My ex-husband, back when we were just dating thought he didn't want any either. It was only after we'd been married for 8 years that he decided that, yes, he did want kids after all. One of the reasons we're divorced now.

Location- I can't really comment on this as it's never been a big deal to me. A roof that doesn't leak, not too drafty, not stuffed to the rafters with lots of junk and I'm happy. In relation to a profession, current or potential, I can see location becoming an issue.

Ceremony- It's possible to plan and execute a wedding ceremony for under a thousand bucks. Mind you, you're not going to get a huge, fancy deal out of it, but it can be done. Wedding dress and tuxedo rental, low cost or even free venue (outdoors can be nice, if the time of year and local weather permit), skip the full on reception in favor of a small party (finger foods and snacks, not a full sit down meal), don't insist on having a bouquet that costs more than a small car... My wedding came in at right at $500, but that was back in the 80s.

[Seshat]

I made my own bouquet and the matching floral bits. Dried flowers are wonderful things, and LAST.

[RayvenQ]

I don't want to get married either, and if I do, oh trust me, no sane man would ever agree to what has to be done to marry me.

My rules are:

I will most likely NOT change my last name. Unless yours is easier to spell, or by some chance cooler than mine. Don't like it? Don't ask me to marry you.

I don't want kids. If there's any chance I'll change my mind, it will be much later in the future, as in, not the normal time when people have their first baby. Can't handle it? Don't ask me to marry you.

Pre-Nuptual agreement. Not just for rich and famous people. What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, what we buy together or share, we will legally find a way to give it a name or place. On the offside chance things go wrong, I'm not ending up on the street with just a few boxes of clothes and not a dime to my name.

Speaking of dimes......NO joint banking accounts. My money is my money. I've worked too damn hard in my life to have some guy have access to it. With that, MY own insurance, your own insurance, unless one of us happens to have some fabulous job with amazing benefits (haha, doubt it). Easier and safer this way.

Yeah. I will be an old cat lady. And I'm totally looking forward to it.

Pardon the thread jack. Just know you aren't alone in your thoughts and feelings.

See, to me, thats entirely sensible and reasonable and I'm sane....mostly

But yeah, I second the sit down and have a talk about it, make him realise that the things he thinks are trivial, aren't to you.

[spark]

I wanted to get married, but didn't want all the to-do. My husband didn't either, but we let our mothers talk us into a wedding with the usual trimmings. I'm still pretty mixed about it. Some bits were nice, but they didn't remotely make up for the stress of doing the rest of it.

So don't let anybody tell you you're missing out on something by just going to the courthouse, it's very possible that afterwards that's what you'll wish you'd done anyway.