How do I get this across?

[Lindsey]

Sorry I disappeared from the thread for a few days. I had a bit of a crisis regarding housing, which my boyfriend is beautifully pulling himself together to help me with (see this thread). We had another talk and he did talk to his parents and tell them that he wants to live with me this summer and that we will be working out the details on our own. We're keeping them informed but not asking for their permission. We're looking at apartments and may have found a room in a house with two housemates. We've worked out finance information and will be working together as equal members of the household. That seems like progress to me.

Now I'll try to address every reply -- thank you, I really do appreciate it from all of you.

Also, a twenty year old man does not and SHOULD not be talking to his mom about what's going on between him and his girlfriend sexually. That's straight up creepy and disturbing. He's a grown ass man and he needs to get his mommy's permission to have sex?

I agree with this. I was not happy that she asked, and I was less happy that he lied and said "no we're not" instead of "that's not your business and we're not discussing this."

This is one of the main points I'd make. If I was dating someone and my mom didn't want us sleeping together in her house where I live now, I wouldn't do it. And I wouldn't ask every time my girlfriend is over since the answer isn't going to change and it'd just piss my mom off. Bad days do not make for an excuse to break those rules. Either follow his parents rules or don't stay there.

I should probably clarify that sleeping alone wasn't the main problem here, it was just the catalyst to the conversation about this. I had been dealing with him putting his parents' opinions before my needs for months at this point and his unwillingness to ask his mom if we could make an exception and sleep together for one night pushed it over the edge. It's the cumulative behavior that bothers me, not that I can't sleep with him at his parents' home.

as for the whole "His parents, his place to talk to them".... its BS - especially if you think you could marry the boy.... they will never respect you as long you make it his place to discuss things with them - either the 2 of you need to talk to them... or you need to grow a pair, and talk to them yourself.... remember to be respectful, you don't have to be confrontational

obviously they already have some respect for your opinion, it was you who convinced them to "let" him get a job.... but I still have to echo the sentiments of others, at 20yrs old and no longer living at home with them, he doesn't need their permission for a blessed thing.... does he call his mommy every morning for permission to have pancakes instead of cereal for breakfast?

I'll think about this. I just didn't want to overstep any boundaries. I know his parents are willing to listen to me (and us together), but I feel strange asking his parents' permission for things since they aren't my parents. You have a point, especially since I do want to marry him when we're older.

It's a good thing that your mother has been diagnosed, and is presumably getting help.

Depression is extremely treatable these days. If she and her doctor choose the medication route, it will take time and patience for the pair of them to find and correct drug and dosage.
If they choose the 'mental physiotherapy' route (talking therapies), it will also take time - your mother will need to both learn coping strategies, and work through issues that are causing her problems.
If they choose to do both, then again, obviously, it will take time.

Some people with depression self-harm, because physical pain is more familiar and easier for them to cope with than mental pain. If your mother is doing this, please ask her to make sure her doctor or her talking-therapist knows: they can help her find safe ways to generate the physical pain, and then wean her off that and into an even better coping strategy.
(A common technique is to get the patient to wear a rubber band on their wrist, and sting themselves with the rubber band when they need the pain. No damage done, but it gives them the distraction they need.)

The most worrying case, of course, is if your mother is potentially suicidal. If that's the situation, I won't try to give you advice personally - instead, go to your student medical centre, and ask for a referral to a support group for friends and family of the severely depressed.
However, if your mother is under medical supervision; she should be fine.

I wish you both the best of luck; and that everything turns out well.

Thank you very, very much for this. It's very hard to tell how my mother is doing because I don't live at home - no one even told me she was on medication until a month after the fact when she casually let it slip while texting me. As far as I know, she isn't harming herself, and I know she's seeing the doctor on a regular basis to follow up on her medication dosages/effectiveness because my brother has told me so.

She says she's feeling better and that's a relief. Unfortunately, my mom is the kind of person who goes to the doctor maybe twice in a decade, so I don't even want to think about how bad she must have felt to actually seek help. I'm making it a point to visit my parents and younger siblings more often these days.

- He could just be one of those people who is quiet and shy and HATES arguments. In which case, accept it and work round it.

This. As I mentioned earlier in this post, we talked about it again since making this thread and this is what came out. I'm working with him, because he's worth it to me.

I KNOW that that was a typo, but it is a very telling typo, and it is actually very accurate. His parents changed his mind. This is pretty much spot on, since he has clearly demonstrated no ability to think for himself or make his own decisions.

Oops. Good call.

Here's the deal: if he is the man you think he is, that you think so highly of, he can and--more importantly--WILL change. It IS difficult to change a lifetime of habits, especially something like learning to make your own decisions when they've always been made for you. If this guy truly wants to stand up to his parents, he will. If he truly cares for you, he will see the problem here, and will take steps to improve himself and the situation. For your sake, I sincerely hope that that happens. I hope he grows a spine. I hope he grows testicles. I hope he seizes control of his own life and says, "Mom, thanks for your opinion, but I'm an adult now, and this is how I'm going to be doing things." I hope to all the gods you believe in that this comes to pass, because you seem like a nice girl, and you clearly deserve better than this. I really hope he is the man you think and hope he is.

Thank you, and thanks for all the harsh stuff I didn't quote in this reply, too. We're working on it.

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If it makes you feel better, I'm 25, soon to be moving back to my parents' place, and I'm still not allowed to have boys over.

Of course, this time around, I told my parents that I WILL be spending the night at other people's houses, and I'm not 19 anymore and if that's a problem, I can save money and get a different place to live.

I think it's pretty common, actually... Talking to my college aged friends, most of them seem to have a similar dynamic with their parents. It's not just my boyfriend and it's not just you (although my college friends are a little younger than you -- everyone is 20-22ish). That's reasonable on your part, though. You should absolutely have the freedom to visit other people.

[blas]

I've always felt I was alone in that aspect, so it makes me feel better. Even if you youngins are a tad behind me in age :P

[Jester]

Common, sure. The norm, no.

Blas, you are not alone in this, but it you are also not with the majority. This is not in any way meant to shame you or make you feel bad, but merely to let you and Lindsey know that, while this happens, it is NOT what the way the majority lives.

Blas, this is here more for the benefit of Lindsey than you, as I am pretty sure (at least I hope) that you know this already.

[blas]

I'm aware that backwards parents who refuse to accept how things work nowadays are getting into the minority and not the majority. Probably nowhere near normal that they are still draconian about their kid now in their mid 20s.