How do you guys make friends/relationships

[Kheldarson]

There are other groups like the SCA in Europe. I know Amtgard has some shires over there; there's also groups like Belegarth or Dagorhir. Just look up medieval LARP groups for your local area. While they won't necessarily have the hardcore fighting or lifestyles that SCA can support, you can still meet great people that way. My husband and I actually met through Amtgard.

[Kristev]

I also have difficulties in making friends. But I learned how to play a card game and attend tournaments for it. Slowly, I've been making friends.

[Jarissa]

Your results may vary, of course.

Probably unnecessary background:
When I was a kid we moved every 3 years or maybe more frequently -- I was a military brat, and when Dad retired from the Navy he went to work for a nonmilitary government organization that also requires its people to relocate every three years so there's less chance an inspector will form a sympathetic bias toward the inspectees, so to speak. In 1981, third grade, I got exasperated at the number of friends I had already moved away from. I decided I would stop making friends until I could know I would be able to keep them.

In other words, I was kind of an idiot.

By the time we moved someplace with enough eligible locations in a two-hour-each-way drive that we might be there until I moved out of my folks' house anyway, I had no idea how to make friends any more. So, being the total nerd I am, I started studying my mom, and taking notes.
/End probably unnecessary background

So when you meet a stranger (or ten!), having followed all the most absolutely excellent advice here, this is the stuff my mother instinctively does that I can sometimes emulate:

• Figure out the difference between "busy with my hands AND my brain" and "busy with my hands with rote work". The former have to be left alone, the latter are great candidates for conversation if not already engaged -- for one thing, the thing being done might be a starting talking point. Also, you don't have to maintain constant eye contact if that's uncomfortable for either one of you.
• Go to darned near any advice columnist's archives and sort out a list of Personal Questions One Does Not Ask. (Actually, I think it's covered around here: the list of crap SCs will demand out of the blue.) Then make a second list, based on that, of Entirely Acceptable Starter Questions, always something that is tough to answer with a monosyllable. Mom gets away with "How long have you been involved with GROUPNAME?" every time but I try to stick with "What do you like about GROUPNAME?" instead, as I *will* pick the person who's been with the group "since my entire family dropped dead" or "about twenty minutes, which is why I'm over here cutting up the pie".
• Be interested. Figure out their eye color. Ask followup questions, especially if said followup question leads down a rabbit hole. Mother once started off with "now what kind of pie is this?" and wound up an hour later with "... so that's how a Special Forces Intelligence Officer career leads to a retirement hobby as a purveyor of fine imported-from-Italy panforte!"
• Seriously, cannot stress enough, ask questions and listen in low-key fascination to the answers, showing that you're paying active attention. People walk away with the impression that Mom is a great conversationalist and barely register that she maybe said six things about herself, everything else was about them. Even when they're walking away to get a drink because they've done more talking (storytelling!) than they normally do all day! And the next time they meet Mom, they may not remember her name but they remember having had a nice talk and so they want to chat again and by then they're interested in her.
• I have had some okay results, on a few occasions, by telling a neutral-looking stranger, "I am a total nerd when I get into a crowd and I am scared half to death right now, do you mind chatting with me about something stupid -- like the layout of the building, or the GROUPNAME history you've seen, I dunno -- for maybe ten minutes? If you would be uncomfortable in any way, I understand and apologize for bothering you." And afterward I thank them for the kindness of their time. I do not let myself do this more than four times a year, total. I hate that I'm ever at all needy like that but I also know that making myself faceplant into a conversation is better than withdrawing to isolation against a wall somewhere, because once I put my shield all the way up I am never going to make myself take them down before the event is over. (Plus that person's first impression of me is now "Wow, fragile angsty woman," instead of "hey, talking to what's-her-name-with-the-hair was fun and I shall do it again!")

For Mom, none of this is artificial, none of this is goal-oriented. She is genuinely interested in people, loves to hear a new point of view, loves to learn about places or cultures or experiences completely remote from her own life. Apparently she got into this habit when she was very young and very shy, and wanted to convince the other person to do all the talking so she wouldn't have to think about what to say. When she meets someone who is monosyllabic or a pill, she just figures "eh" and goes on to another person in the room.

Obviously I have been practicing based on my studies and notes for around a quarter of a century. I can't say I'm an expert by any means, but I am finally at a point where I can decide "I am going to make an acquaintance today" when I am out somewhere, and expect decent odds of success. (Not so much on the internet, I'm afraid.)

The nice thing about Dragon*Con is that it is almost always acceptable to say to a stranger, "You look awesome! Did you make the belt yourself?" even if you have no idea what the costume is supposed to be or if, in fact, it is a costume. I suspect a lot of other fandom conventions are like this. Wearing a badge for the convention sort of counts as an icebreaker all by itself, a sign that "this person is not going to think I'm a loser because I malaprop or because I am less than suave".
So, maybe, the same general concept applies (maybe to a lesser degree) in a volunteer work scenario when your question is "You make {$activity} look so {elegant/easy/straightforward}! Is this something you can teach me to do?"

[Jester]

My advice may be slightly suspect, as I am naturally social and have rarely had such issues, but perhaps I can offer a small nugget of wisdom.

Back when I lived in the dorms at college, I would have many guys come up to me and ask me what they should say to a woman, how they should approach them, etc. Not because I was a lady's man...I wasn't. But these guys would see me talking to women all the time, because, well, I did. I talked to everyone.

But these guys were looking for an opening "line." I told them all the same thing every single time. "I start with 'hello,' and go from there." It may sound simplistic, but whether you're talking about romantic relationships or friendships, and in any setting, from gyms to clubs to bars to poker to gamers to video arcades, you have to start somewhere.

I always start with "hello." It's served me rather well.




Okay, but what about after that? After that, it's merely a matter of finding what you may have in common with the other person. As an example, I find myself talking to other people, to strangers in all kinds of settings, about sports, about food, about cooking, about drinks, about music, about history, about books, about various places we may have been, about movies, about bicycling....things that I'm interested in, basically.

Find your common ground, relax a little, and things should flow pretty easily from there.

[RealUnimportant]

My best way to make friends is to do what you've just done - post on websites. I met my wife due to membership on a website, we chatted there & then met at a forum get-together, and the rest is history. 80% of the people on my Facebook are from the same website; I only have one friend from "school days" and we didn't even attend the same school!

It's taken me 3 years to even consider the people I work alongside as more than just people I work alongside; over the last few months I've had an epiphany of some kind & am suddenly much more comfortable talking to them about stuff other than work issues, but why? Sorry, if I could answer that I'd have more friends myself!

The "join a club" idea is a cracker; I joined a classic car club to gain access to spares for one of my motors. It took me 4 months to pluck up the courage to attend a local area meeting, and now I'm working in the club as a point of contact with external organisations! I've still not reached the point where I'd consider any of them friends though, but shared experiences both in and out of the club have led to some meaningful chats.

[Lurking Sockpuppet]

Sorry, I can't help. I trust people too much and am too willing to be helpful. It caused me to be burned really badly last year. And worse yet it hurt my children (It involved their cheer coach). I am now giving up on helping anyone with anything and am just going to quit trying to be friends with anyone outside my family.

[Food Lady]

I don't know what advice to give because it's a mystery to me how or why it happens. I'm the person random strangers strike up conversation with. My friend went shopping with me a few weeks ago and commented on it. "People just start talking to you!" I have no idea why. I know one way to make friends is to make people laugh, which, for whatever reason, I'm good at. I just repeat some of my silly thoughts (think Jack Handey). I use observational humor, too. I just like to see people laugh at the silliness of life. Yet, I can be a loner sometimes. But that's not the true me; it's a function of monthly change in brain chemistry (being female, sigh). But yeah, the random strangers who have no idea yet that I'm funny? I don't know.

[tech_monkey]

Sadly, the SCA does not have locations anywhere in Europe, it sounded interesting. Well, I must continue searching then

Not trying to be pushy, but here is the link for the Kingdom and Principalities in Europe, called collectively Drachenwald.

[Greenday]

The only ways I make friends these days is either through previous friends that I have, through my sister, or at the bar. There always seems to be someone interesting at the bar.

[Canihelpurass]

It's not difficult for me to meet people at bars. I just sit down by myself, and someone comes over to talk. But that usually stays at one night stands. I have been told many times I am attractive... Maybe it's the lone wolf thing going on for my advantage. But it's much more difficult to meet friends because of that

[Sapphire Silk]

Don't try to meet people at bars. A one night stand is all you're likely to get.

There's some good advice out there, and I'll add to it.

Clubs are great; you meet people with like minded interests. I met most of my friends through gaming and computer clubs.

Church is another good one. I've met some great people through my church, and churches tend to have lots of activities and mixers to help members get to know one another. You don't even have to join formally . . . just have an open mind.

Work is another. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just say to someone you work well with, "how about a bunch of us grab dinner at X place?" Spend some time griping about that boss or CW you love to hate, but also talk about other things and find out your common interests.

For example, my friend J from the college/hospice at first glance you'd think we have nothing in common. Not so; we both love antiques.

The biggest barrier is just putting yourself out there. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and have a hard time in social situations. They create a lot of anxiety for me. The first time I went to class at my Tae Kwon Do school, I about had a panic attack. Now several members are good friends. I'm even planning a social event of my own, my confidence is boosted so much.

Put yourself out there. Don't have high expectations. Just be pleasant, and yourself, and enjoy the moment. People will like you, and it will go on from there.

[Greenday]

Don't try to meet people at bars. A one night stand is all you're likely to get.

There's some good advice out there, and I'll add to it.

Clubs are great

I facepalmed when I got this far. Then I realized you meant clubs as in social clubs.

[houdini]

I facepalmed when I got this far. Then I realized you meant clubs as in social clubs.

I've actually had a good run of going to dance clubs with a few people that I know well and some of their friends, and getting to know the friends-of-friends a lot better - however, I've got the get-out clause of my ring, so I can back off anything too relationship-y. It's got to the stage now of meeting the friends-of-friends-of-friends...

I've also found that I got chatting to a few of the random people who turned up, and then added them on Steam and got to know them better through gaming. You don't have to be "normal" in ways of connecting to people - it's not all drinks and dinner dates

[Sapphire Silk]

I facepalmed when I got this far. Then I realized you meant clubs as in social clubs.

Oopps. I can see why you would

[Pixilated]

I'm also very lacking in social skills, so I'll watch this thread for helpful replies which I'm sure will soon be provided

Some great advice here! I spent a decade as a reporter, but that is a 'front' you can put on when necessary, as you go out to ask (sometimes impertinent ...) questions of total strangers. But actually making friends? I'm still the type that tends to sit in a corner with a book and wait for others to approach me. So of course what others see is someone who doesn't want to be disturbed ...

This past year at school was a classic example; most of the other students are young enough to be my kids -- some, my grandkids! I'm not claiming I could've been lifelong buddies with any of 'em, but I could've had a little more social contact than I did, if I'd just worked at it a little. (I did seem to be making friends with a trio of older students ... than all of a sudden it froze. My fault? Theirs? A combination? No idea.)

So I need to remember some of this advice next year when I head off to my pharm. tech. program: I'll probably still be the oldest student in the class, but at least I can try to make some contacts. (When I had to do group work with my fellow students, we seemed to get along fine; I do have a decent sense of humour and do not ever try to use my age as some kind of measure of superiority ... )

i'll have to try something... i am just too nervous right now to follow your great advice.. i guess i just have to try to get myself by the neck

Do you know anybody you could ask to go to something with you? Sometimes that can make it a bit easier.

While not for everyone, if you like camping/medieval reenactment there is The SCA, which would be the place that my fiance met my sister who introduced us. Since i have joined i have made a few new friends, and the local group is very friendly and will be glad to help with garb and tents.
*snip*
There are groups that play all over the world, and the ISS was home to a group for a time.

Thanks for the reminder, tech_monkey! I attended a few SCA events a LONG time ago and loved them.

Your results may vary, of course.

*snip*

So when you meet a stranger (or ten!), having followed all the most absolutely excellent advice here, this is the stuff my mother instinctively does that I can sometimes emulate:
*snip*

[Cutting for space, LOL]
Jarissa, thank you so much for posting this list! The suggestions are excellent. I think one of my problems is that I do tend to tell my own stories too much and don't invite others to talk about themselves. Do this enough and I'm sure I gave the distinct impression that I was thinking out my next witty (in my mind, anyway ) anecdote instead of listening to the other person. It's interesting that I do seem to get along better with people who are talkers, rather than with other introverted people.

I don't know what advice to give because it's a mystery to me how or why it happens. I'm the person random strangers strike up conversation with. My friend went shopping with me a few weeks ago and commented on it. "People just start talking to you!" I have no idea why. I know one way to make friends is to make people laugh, which, for whatever reason, I'm good at. I just repeat some of my silly thoughts (think Jack Handey). I use observational humor, too. I just like to see people laugh at the silliness of life. Yet, I can be a loner sometimes. But that's not the true me; it's a function of monthly change in brain chemistry (being female, sigh). But yeah, the random strangers who have no idea yet that I'm funny? I don't know.

If you ever figure out what it is and bottle it ... put me down for a few cases.

*snip*

Church is another good one. I've met some great people through my church, and churches tend to have lots of activities and mixers to help members get to know one another. You don't even have to join formally . . . just have an open mind.

*snip*

I'd forgotten about church, even though I currently attend one. It has a few welcoming groups that I never participated in because "I don't have time." Now I'm leaving this church and don't know whether I'll find anything similar in Hometown. (Some churches are friendly and welcoming ... others can be very cliquey.)

My brother felt compelled to remind me that my priority when I get to Hometown is to look for work, and he is right ... but I will be living in this city for at least the next 2 years and would like some kind of contact with the community as well. I'm looking at volunteer work and also a local pub has a trivia night ... am debating whether to sign up for it.