Why don't I just give up?

[Pixilated]

Some people wish they had the courage to take those risks.

I second this, speaking, I'm afraid, as one of these people. I've been alone almost all my adult life and at this point I don't even know how or where I'd go about meeting anyone. I've gotten accustomed to it but sometimes ...

Take a break, Kara, by all means, but don't give up entirely. There is someone out there for you.

[Ghel]

I'm probably not the best one to give relationship advice, but I want to echo many of the things that others have said. Take a break, if you need to. And take your time building a relationship. Don't worry if the next person is going to be "the one." Just enjoy the relationship, and if it works out, great!

I wish you the best, Kara. I've mostly lurked on your threads before, but you seem like an awesome person. I want to see you happy.

[Midnight12]

because you are like me in that even if the idea of giving up comes around we are too stubborn to stop and have to keep trying EVEN if it means more hurt.

hope for the best prepare for the worst and land somewhere in the middle
it will be ok. there is feeling lonely and being alone and you aren't alone as you have us

[Caffienated_Caramel]

I've been lurking in your threads for a long time too and I know you're a strong woman and you can overcome it. We've seen you do it

[Jester]

"From the ashes, born anew..."

That is from YOUR title in this site.

Why? Because you have been to hell and back, and came back far stronger than you or your toxic ex ever expected.

Why don't you just give up? Are you serious? Are you SERIOUS? Just because one person decides you're not right for them, you're gonna just throw in the towel?

Oh, HELL no!

Listen, lady, I have been alone for quite awhile. I have had the love of my life, my ex-fiance, leave me, and nine years later, I still don't know WHY. I have had girlfriends cheat on me, use me, lie to me, step all over me, and I have only emerged stronger and better for the experience. I didn't necessarily LIKE or ENJOY the experience, but I am more than twice the man now as I was then. If I at 42 met the whiny little 20 year old Jester I once was, I would kick his fucking ass. But I'm not him anymore, for I have grown, and improved, and regenerated, and risen from the SHIT I was in to be far better than I ever could have envisioned.

As so too shall you.

This guy wasn't ready for you? Wasn't ready for a commitment? Fuck him, move on. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy, but fuck him. If he wasn't ready for a relationship with you, then a relationship with him was not in the cards for you.

So what?

You have been through shit that *I* could not even imagine, and you have awed me with your strength, your resiliency, and your courage. I have considered it a PRIVILEGE and an HONOR to call you my friend.

So, why don't you just give up? Because I won't let you. And frankly, the woman I know, the Kara I know...she won't let you either.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get ready for the next chapter, because it's only going to get better.

I dare you to tell me I'm wrong. I wasn't last time, and I'm not this time.

Give up? You? Inconceivable!

[houdini]

What Jester said, double ditto'd.

You're strong, you've been through so much crap, nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Although in this case it should be "don't let life grind you down", but my latin has never been that good.

You will find someone, and you'll find someone perfect. No one's been perfect yet, so forget 'em. Keep going: keep trying, keep practising, and you'll get there.

[Jester]

I'm 42, and I'm not striking out with the ladies...I'm not even getting up to bat. They are effectively and completely ignoring me.

Would I like that to be otherwise? Yes. Would I like to find that Perfect Someone and get into a cool relationship? Yes.

Despite neither of those having happened, did I not just have two of the most perfect days of my entire life, without a significant someone to share it with?

Hell fucking yes. And I'm basically a blithering idiot.

Which leave YOU, milady, with no valid reasons or excuses for just giving up.

I repeat...oh HELL no!

[Der Cute]

Kara, I *can* commiserate with you. Totally. (and people, when you're depressed your thoughts are kind of irrational and weird)
I've had to get through accepting 2 chronic illnesses, reasons why shit's been happening in my life, having a kid...etc.
I'm not saying I've had more crap than you. I'm saying that these shit piles in our life, THEY SUCK and I've had my own. Everyone has had their own pile to get through.
Kara, it's strange that I'm not a religious person, but I've told myself that what $Deity gives us makes us stronger. And along the lines that I'm spiritually closer to, we're assigned a list of lessons; what ever we learn we get to cross off our list. (you don't have to complete the damn list, next time 'round you'll get more off that list) You got through some of that crap on your list. But look at yourself. LOOK really deep, if you can right now.
Or list it, as I love lists. Situations you've had to face. You got through them (not I won or I lost, GETTING THROUGH). You'll see that you've had a shit load of stuff you've had to get through, and I think as you get further on that list, your pride will grow a bit. Don't compare yourself to others and their achievements. Just "what have I waded through so far in this life". We (here and others in life) all tell you that you've done so damn much it's amazing. To others outside of you - we're thinking "wtf no fuckin way that's..just..dood. Dood." You're standing there in your life, feeling sorry for yourself (hey, we all do honey) and not realizing how much you've done. We're praising you; we can see the list.
So cry, scream, tell $deity that this fucking sucks donkey balls. Then sit back and look at what you've had to wade through. Then, go through today's stuff. Find me 10 things that you were enjoying or did today. Can be as mundane as seeing some neat clouds; doesn't have to be anything huge. When I'm in a funk, I have to tell myself "hey, self, find 10 positives today". Focusing on that pulls your mind out of sad.

Honey, if you went back in time (like Jester said), how strong were you then. What did life throw at you? Yeah. You're here. You can be sad, mad, angry, frustrated, happy (it's in the mix), amazed, all of that. But how did you GET here?

[dakhur]

You have more strength than I could imagine existing.

Giving up is not an option.

Remember: You don't have to make it to the end of the week. All you have to do, when it hurts that bad, is make it to the next dawn. Day at a time stuff. After the initial shock, the brain kicks back in and you can think about the future. Until then, just concentrate on making it one more day.

[Kara]

Well I suppose it's time to update this thread. A week after our quasi-breakup, my boyfriend called me and we just... talked. I was very confused because NOTHING felt any different. By that point I had wondered if maybe he just needed to take a step back and not think of being in a "relationship," as he also had a pretty bad breakup with his ex and maybe he panicked. But it didn't feel any different so I was hopeful that I was right, that I just needed to wait for him to be ready and then we would resume being "us" again.

Last week, he didn't call me at all. I wasn't sure what to think of that, but when I got up Thursday morning, I decided that if I hadn't heard from him by that night, I'd call him. Then it occurred to me to check my messages on the dating site where I met him. Sometimes he'd still send me a message there. The site is kind of set up similar to a social networking type site, where you can see status updates from people with a high match % to you. So imagine my surprise when I see an update from him as soon as I login. Mr I'm-Just-Not-Ready-For-A-Relationship-Right-Now changed his status to "I'm in a Relationship now!" And right under that, a snippet from his profile info that he changed "I'm currently in a relationship with a very lovely woman and am not seeking any dates, but if you wish to be a platonic friend then..."

So there it was. I went numb. He lied to me. I didn't even know how to process it, I just stared at the screen. There was no question in my mind that he was NOT talking about me, despite the fact that he told me more than once that I am "a very lovely woman." I didn't know what to do, I wanted to call him, yell at him, scream at him and tell him I never wanted to see him again. But I just sent him a text: "Saw your update. Congrats." Then I went to work.

Turned on my phone when I got to my car that night and he had texted me back. He wanted to talk. I went home and had dinner, then I called him. I still had no idea what I was going to say. When he answered he tried to make small talk and I just said NOTHING. And finally he said, "So, I guess you saw my status on the site." I said, "Yeah. I noticed it." He then went on about how he knew he SHOULD have told me but he didn't know how and didn't want to hurt me. I said, "You know, I can handle rejection. The TRUTH would have hurt me so much less than what you did." He said he just didn't have the courage to tell me the truth. I told him that what he did, the way he lied to me, it just reopened old wounds for me. I told him how I'd wasted too much of my life with someone who deceived me and lied by omission and I wasn't going back to that kind of life. He said he still wanted to be friends with me, that my personality was more amazing than anyone he'd ever known, that my outlook on life was simply incredible (gee, all that and I guess I still wasn't good enough for him).

I told him I didn't know if I could be friends. That I can't have people who don't respect me enough to tell me the truth be a part of my life anymore. I said I'd need time before I could make that kind of a decision, that it would take awhile to regain any level of trust. He told me to take all the time I need and that he'd be willing to talk to me any time. He said maybe someday, if I wanted to hear the truth, he'd tell me all of it. I said, "I want to know. I deserve to know the truth."

That stopped him for a moment, obviously he wasn't expecting me to ask this right away. But he said I was right and he told me everything. He said that he met the other woman 3 weeks after he met me. He's been on 2 dates with her so far and they talk all the time and he's sure she is who he wants to be with. Which means the majority of our relationship had been a lie. I think what I said to him next actually opened his eyes to what a colossal asshat he had been about handling this.

I said I'm happy he found someone who makes him happy. I'm not going to cause any drama, I'm not going to get in the way of his happiness. I said we hadn't committed to anything, I was fine with him dating other people until he was sure of who he wanted to pursue. I just figured he'd tell me, and not lie to me, deceive me, and then leave to me to find out on my own that I had been betrayed, and cause me so much pain.

And that was pretty much it. Add another ex to my collection and move on.

SWF seeking someone who can just respect me and be fucking HONEST with me..............

[Jester]

What a miserable fucking coward.

What a MISERABLE fucking coward!

Seriously, this dude's a total shithead. Liars are just pathetic. Cowardly liars are even worse.

You can do what you want to, but I have to wonder why you would even want to be friends with this sperm stain. "Oh, I still want to be friends with you." Really? Really? Or is he just trying to save face after you called him on his utter BULLSHIT?

My advice, as I gave to someone else here recently: Put him in your rearview mirror and don't bother looking back. Move on, Kara. Get this toxic, lying, fuckstick out of your life and move the fuck on.

[42_42_42]

Well, he just proved himself completely unworthy of you, Kara.

You know, I'm sure you've heard this before, but for me it is the honest truth: when I stopped looking and decided to just be okay just being me by myself, that's when life dropped my hubby in my lap.

Just remember that there's a whole lot of people here on this board that love you for you. I know it's not the same, but you're not alone in the universe.

(((hugs)))

[blas]

Oh, Kara, honey....

I've been there, done that, worn that t-shirt till it ripped to shreds and bought a few new ones.

Just imagine how happy you're going to be with someone who truly deserves you when that idiot comes back around all "teehee I'm single now!", so you can say "Sorry bud!"

You inspire so many of us. Please don't give up. I know you're more resilient than this.

[Marmalady]

when I stopped looking and decided to just be okay just being me by myself, that's when life dropped my hubby in my lap

Same here. Had no idea when I joined this site that my gentle giant was waiting for me

He wasn't worthy of you, Kara, but you will find one who is

[Der Cute]

Kara - Yeah he's a jerk, we all agree.
But you were firm, calm, assertive, called him on his bullshit - I applaud you there. You were much more of an adult than he is/was. Instead of yelling and screaming and melting the phone being so angry, you told him "This does not fly with me. Grow up, grow a pair and tell people the truth." Maybe he learned from you. (maybe not). But I applaud YOU for being assertive with him.

And, well, stick a blackberry cane up his butt.