Getting Over Shyness

[Kisa]

Some of you may have read my post about the guy in calculus that I like. Well, I have tried multiple times to walk over to him and talk to him, but I always walk out the door instead. I am physically incapable of talking to him. It's not just him either. I don't have any friends because I'm quiet and people don't talk to me, so I don't talk to them. I want to get over this and be a normal person with friends and a boyfriend, but I can't do it.

This isn't a case of can't=won't or can't=don't want to. I physically can't talk to people. I get nervous and scared and I make myself feel like crap until I convince myself that no one will ever enjoy my company, so why bother. With guys I like, I blush really easily around them and blushing makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I grew up with men in my life making me feel like I'm not good enough, so I believed I wan't good enough. I had a number of people make fun of me for blushing throughout my life, so I'm uncomfortable about that too.

Some people have told me to just go talk to someone, but it's impossible for me. With potentail friends, I worry that they will wonder why I'm talking to them. With potential boyfriends, I'm afraid that I will start blushing and they will laugh at me. I want to be normal, but I don't know what else to do. Any ideas?

[blas]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm as gregarious as they come, and I sound like a complete moron half the time when I'm talking because I can't always find the "right" thing to talk about.....but a lot of people find that amusing and find me interesting to talk to.

Don't focus too hard on the part of finding what to say and how to say it. A simple hello and a natural smile are the best ice breakers.

But, in my case, the best ice breaker is a wallet with a mustache on it.

[Kisa]

Don't focus too hard on the part of finding what to say and how to say it. A simple hello and a natural smile are the best ice breakers.

I can't smile naturally All my smiles are forced, crooked, and awkward. I'd like to be able to say hi to the guy I like, but I can't come withing 5 feet of him and I can't make eye contact. I'm a messed up person...

[Andara Bledin]

You can try to start by talking to people that you don't really care about and will likely not see again, such as clerks and the like.

As I mentioned in that other thread, I can't remember a time when I couldn't find something to talk about (and more than a few where my friends wished that I'd shut up), so I don't really know what it's like to have such an issue.

Another option that would be less stupefying than trying to walk up to a guy you're crushing on would be to join some sort of fan group or the like in your area. You've got a built-in mutual interest, so that takes a lot of the work out of finding things to talk about, so you can practice just walking up to people and saying, "Hi, I'm Kisa," and just letting things go from there.

^-.-^

[Kheldarson]

I had a similar issue growing up myself. Add on top of that a natural inclination to be an introvert, it's amazing I talk to anybody some days.

One, since you're at college, are there any clubs that are focused around something you like? Like for me it was Anime and gaming, so I joined those. In more nerdy clubs, it helps too that introverts/shy kids are kind of a norm, so it'll help with breaking in. The point of this is to help you expand your group of people you're willing to talk to.

What I found was the more I talked, the easier it became to talk.

Course, I'll also say working at a Boy Scout camp worked wonders for shyness too (it's not allowed!) but that's a little extreme.

Basically, start small, and start in an area that's not as emotionally charged as saying hi to the boy you like (that's nerve wracking on its own!). Find other people you can say hi to and practice.

[Gizmo]

I had to pull myself out of my shell when I was a late teen and I did it one way only: I put on a mask and a costume.

No, I didn't go around dressed in a physical costume all the time. I just acted like I WAS wearing a costume of a far more confident me.

It helped me develop a 'skin' which meant that no matter what they said and did to the costume it didn't (or at least shouldn't have) affected me. At the end of the day you take off the 'costume' and restart fresh.

You do end up starting the weirdest conversations some times but it can help to bring you out of your shell.

(Unfortunately I need to rebuild mine - spent too long not using it and now my confidence is rock bottom again. Doesn't mean it didn't help.)

[TheSHAD0W]

I'm going to throw out some advice here that some of you may not like. I'm aware of the problems some people face with this, but when properly used, it is a useful tool.

I would like to suggest you use booze.

Booze is well known for lowering one's inhibitions, and if used properly, can help you break out of your shyness. I would like to mention, however, that booze is a powerful tool, and like a chainsaw, needs to be used properly in order to avoid a catastrophic accident.

Here are some suggestions on how to use booze safely:

(1) If you have any alcoholism in your family, this advice may not be for you. Beware.

(2) Do not operate machinery (including automobiles) while using this tool.

(3) Take a friend, or more than one, if you can.

(4) Potentiate carefully. In the future you may wish to get fubar'd, but for the purpose of simply loosening up you'll want to pick a specific level of intoxication. I recommend reaching a blood alcohol content (BAC) of around 0.05 to 0.06 and maintaining it. Use this chart to help determine how many drinks this will require. Depending on your weight this could be anywhere from one to five drinks. Once you've reached this level, one drink per hour should maintain it.

[MoonCat]

I second the idea of joining a club of some kind. Being in Junior Achievement when I was in HS saved my sanity. I was still shy but it was the first place I'd ever been where people were welcoming and friendly, and some of the other kids were shy, too. If you find a group for something you love, consider joining it. If you're passionate about the subject, you'll find it easier to relax, and you'll have something to share.

I also got over my fear of talking in front of groups of people by realizing that shaking wasn't going to kill me. So here's the thing: Blushing won't hurt you, either, and lots of people think it's cute.

But I'm not saying just jump into a large group of strangers. You do have to find a comfort level and work your way out of it slowly. One way to start is by making yourself focus on someone's eyes when you talk to them. It feels very uncomfortable at first, but it makes the other person feel that you are really paying attention to them (and how rare is that these days, when most people are staring at their phones all the time?). I don't mean a weird, high-intensity stare. Just meet their eyes. It gets easier. And it's flattering. So is asking people a question about themselves. People love to talk about themselves.

[Der Cute]

I think MoonCat's pretty smart about the eye contact. Are you ducking your face to look at the ground when you're with someone? Or stare at something below yourself?
Making eye contact is hard, and hard to discern how long and eye shape and focus. How about when the person/you starts it, eye contact to start the conversation. After it starts, what about looking at their forehead, nose; something close to their eyes ON their face.
When you also look at things, can you "drift" enough to kind of see "through" the item? Relaxed, non focused vision? but still hearing them? Try that.

And say hi to yourself in the mirror. Chat for a bit!

[Akasa]

What I did, because of my social anxiety issues was take acting classes. I didn't go out for any parts in the plays the theater department put on, but it got me more comfortable around groups of people who I KNEW were watching every move, intonation, etc, and evaluating it when I got in front of the class. It REALLY helped. I would have panic attacks when out in public if I was in a crowded area before taking the class. I mean retreat crying and shaking and running away from groups of people. I knew I had to change so used acting class to make those changes.

[sms001]

I just acted like I WAS wearing a costume of a far more confident me.

yep. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a pretty well proven psychological methodology.

[Greenday]

yep. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a pretty well proven psychological methodology.

Worked for me. I just forced myself to be outgoing and after a while, I was no longer forcing it.

[Bardmaiden]

You can try to start by talking to people that you don't really care about and will likely not see again, such as clerks and the like.

I've been really shy most of my life, I didn't talk to anybody but my my sister and tutors at Sixth form college. But with some help I got after getting depression I've been challenging my own behaviours because apparently social skills are useful

I did the talking to clerks and things bit as a suggestion from my counsellor also as I live in a communal block of flats I started saying hi to my neighbours too and sometimes that would be all just a Hi as we passed on the stairs and worked up to Hi how are you? and yes it didn't happen over night I am developing the confidence to go up to people and say hi and it's been a about 6-9 months since I finished with my counsellor but my family say there has been an improvement in me and that I seem more confident in myself.

I literally bounced in the other day at my sister going I talked to people and made a friend! lol I sounded like a kid after the first day at school

[Ghel]

The thing that helped me most to be able to talk to strangers was working with the public, as a bank teller. The conversations, at first, were pretty much scripted, so I knew exactly what I needed to say. Once I got comfortable with that, I was able to vary what I was saying and add things - like asking about a customer's kids, for example.

I still mostly follow a "script" for most of my conversations at work, but I've found it much easier to talk to people outside of work, too. It sometimes help to think about what you want to say, and even practice saying it, before you say it. Just try not to freak out if the conversation goes off script. It's ok, really.

[Dilorenzo]

I would like to suggest you use booze.

I'm going to recommend not doing this. I suffer from severe anxiety in crowded situations. The only time booze has helped with these is when I'm at a bar, where I'm already there to drink. I won't do it otherwise, because, well, it might help, but...

Using booze to get over shyness or anxiety is asking for trouble down the road, regeardless of family history or intent. It'll all too easily become a crutch.