<sigh> ...My brother is destroying his life. And I made it worse.

[Gerrinson]

Tough love is still love. And it is often the only chance you have to get through to entitled fuckwits siblings who don't have a clue what the real world is like.

My brother: He got a $16K payout when my dad went on disability because he was young enough to qualify for child support. I got nothing because I was too old. -.-

A month later, he had a $400 sword, a $2,000 soundsystem in his $1,300 car and a $1,000 laptop to show for it. The rest of the money was 'just gone' and he had no idea how or where. One month, $16,000, gone.

My guess is actually booze and drugs, though he claims to be straight edge. Said claim coming just after he removed the pics on FB of himself smoking from a hooka (sp?), and a bong, chugging beer, etc. So, yeah, he TOTALLY doesn't drink or do drugs...

With my dad & nephew in the car, he tried to get the attention of some random chick stopped next to him at a traffic light. She looked away from him (that bitch!). When the light turned green he slammed on the gas, then cut her off and slammed on the brakes to 'put her in her place for not showing proper respect.' What a great thing to do with your 7 year old son in the back seat, right?

I've tried reasoning with him. The rocks in my yard listen better.

I tried flat out honesty. But that just made him angry because 'I don't understand how hard life is.'

So now, I just don't return his calls, and I don't feel bad for him. He's made his own bed and the longer he lies in it, the more he suffers from his shortcomings. The way he's going, I expect he'll self destruct in the next couple years. Maybe rock bottom will make an impression on him where I failed.

I would say you've done your level best with your brother, Seraph. If he is too spoiled/stupid to listen, then let him reap what he sows. Honestly, it sounds like a lot of it is your father's fault for not setting boundaries. There comes a point at which children need to be cut loose. It sounds like your brother reached that point a long while ago.

[yeahwhatev]

About your brother...

I tried to make this a PM and it did not seem to go through. Some of what I would say has been uttered by others. I do not think certain things have been said completely enough. Your instincts are spot on. Your brother has been given too much and simply does not know how to live without support. There is a limit to how much abuse you can take in a relationship. YOU are the only one who can set this limit.

I come from a loving family. I do not think you can call it a broken home, but I have lived through some trying periods. My parents cared about each other and gave us a stable home. My Father worked long hours and did his best. My Mother was not the greatest communicator or disciplinarian, but she gave a damn.

My sister had an advanced case of Teenage rebellion. She cut school, got drunk, tried drugs and worse. When cornered about her actions, she made some horrible accusations and was taken into foster care.

This hurt all of us. My Brother has been a selfish person all his life. Little things became personal vendettas because they DARED affect him. He stole things he felt he needed, or weren't watched well. He broke things he couldn't have. If he was hungry, he would eat until he wasn't, and damn everyone else.

My brother and I fought constantly. He would throw insults and I would throw fists. I was a year older, so I always held back. Later on I would regret this mercy as the nasty comments and cruel actions continued to get worse and worse.

To make a long story shorter, my brother turned out like yours. His mouth and foul temper cost him his commission at Navy flight school and job after job. My Father bailed him out time and time again. He went to law school on student loans that he defaulted on. My Father gets collection calls to this day.

My point is.. I have contact and a loving relationship with my Sister and not my Brother.

A few years after I returned from the military, my father announced that my Sister would be returning to our lives. I was not pleased, but agreed to listen. To put it simply, she never explained what happened or why. I asked her and she refused to talk about it. I faced a choice, let her go and never talk to her again or give her a chance. I gave her that chance, and I have never regretted it. I told her that she had one chance to not hurt the family again, she took it. I attended her wedding and am an uncle twice over.

My brother never stopped being nasty, negative and selfish. I limited my contact with him and told him why. He flipped and exploded worse each time I cut him off. I held him accountable, but kept some contact to keep peace in the family. When he cursed my wife and the very thought of us having children while under one of his rages, I said enough. I walked away and will never respond to anything he says ever again. I will not attend any gathering he is in. It has been seven years since we have had any contact at all and my life is better for it.

Your brother has a skewed perspective on life. Your father raised him wrong. His views are self-centered and there is no reason for him to change. He thinks he is right, your anger, your logic, your facts... they are all assaults in his eyes. I have met this type of personality in my service, in my Security jobs and in my own family. Nothing you do affects him. His reactions are based on desire and blame shifting. If there is a minute chance he can argue to be right, he will. If he is proven wrong, the situation is unfair, and since you pointed it out, you are the cause!!

Taking blame for "Making him worse" is simple guilt. People like this use it like a scalpel.. My Sister used to do it, my Brother still does it and many, many people I thought were friends did it to me. I can tell from your posts that you are an honest person who takes the blame for your own mistakes, and tries to make them better.

You already know you are right to cut him out of your life. The regret you feel is for the person your brother is SUPPOSED to be. It's hard to face facts, sometimes. The facts are: Your mother is selfish and abusive. Your brother is a user and abusive. Your father played favorites and failed your family. All of these people are making a toxic environment in your home. You need to control the situation.

That is a polite way of saying they need to earn a place in your life. Your brother should be banned from your house. He is a drug dealing leech. Anyone's children would be damaged by interacting with such a person. Your mother allows her personal demons and flaws to ruin family holidays. She should have to earn her way back into the house with good and positive behavior. If you keep allowing her to act this way, you will always lose. Your father does not support you, and he's failed your family. If he allows your brother to act the way he does, he should lose his privileges as well.

I've heard time and time again that children are blameless in these situations. They should not suffer missing a Grandparent or Uncle because of petty disagreements. Only you can judge the balance on that scale. It's my strong opinion and experience that a negative person's presence is far more damaging than their absence.

Stop blaming yourself. You are not the first person to think your family is bad. Saying the truth does not make you evil. Setting limits to bad behavior and protecting your family is your JOB.

I hope my perspective helps. I wish you luck in whatever happens.

[Draper Mel]

Just adding my vote for no apology. If a literal smack upside the head doesn't get through to him, nothing will.

[MoonCat]

It's my strong opinion and experience that a negative person's presence is far more damaging than their absence.

This is so very, very true. I've seen it more than once in my own family. Everyone has limits, Seraph, and you've reached yours.

[Rapscallion]

Ha, you know, same exact words were stated by my husband.

A wise and lucky man.

Rapscallion

[kpzra]

I haven't spoken to my brother in over 3 years. I never really liked him and the final straw was not saying a word when I called to tell them I was pregnant. According to my oldest sister they have never asked about my 2 1/2 old daughter, not even to see what it was. He is a selfish 43 year old boy who has never grown up, never takes responsibility for his own screw ups, only works for temp agency's because they don't require drug tests, and the real kicker...he's mad at my oldest sister for being BORN. That's right, everything wrong is her fault because she was born and he was no longer an only child. As the youngest I didn't bug him that much because his life was already wrecked (actual quote on my 16th birthday).

Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

[Treasure]

Seraph,
there is a difference between Family and Relatives
your brother is currently just a relative....

your Husband,your children, the people you WANT in your life, the people who will come to your aid when all hell breaks loose in your life, they are your family...

and when you've got a good enough Family, you don't need Relatives.. especially when they turn toxic as your brother obviously has -

another way to look at it:
if he weren't Blood - if you were reading your post, as though someone else on the board had written it, say about a boyfriend, what advise would you give?

[Victory Sabre]

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given. All I can say is you, by going off on him, did something really good for him - you gave your brother a reality check. It's now up to him to decide to change his life. If he chooses to continue down his path, then cut him out of your life for your sake, and your kids, and husband.

[Seraph]

another way to look at it:
if he weren't Blood - if you were reading your post, as though someone else on the board had written it, say about a boyfriend, what advise would you give?

...wow, talk about a perspective check there. I'm sorta ashamed now. ><

[Dilorenzo]

I'm assuming ashamed because Seraph knows full well how she would view this if presented by someone else and from a different perspective. Though that's nothing to be ashamed of at all - it's always easier looking in at a situation than looking out from it.

I'm also going to agree that cutting him out of your life until he is willing to take responsibility for what he's made of himself. Until he understands, fully, that the fact that large portions of his life are screwed up, and of your fathers life, rests largely on his shoulders.

I'm saying this from a different perspective than some of the others. I didn't have someone like your brother in my family, I almost very nearly was your brother. Thankfully, I wised up quickly, but having a loving family who took care of me, gave me every opportunity, many of which I squandered, meant that where I was heading over a decade ago was noones fault but my own. It took a lot to realize that, and I can only hope that the slugging you gave him, however bad you may feel about it, might start to wake him up some.

Until then, as Treasure says, he is a relative, not family.

[Talon]

I told his retreating back that I was sorry I hit him, but not sorry for what I'd said, that he needed to know it.

This. Quoted for truth. On a blazing Death-Star-sized holoscreen.

You have made the only apology you need to make. No more, no less.

If you erred at all, it was not calling them out much sooner. Your brother, mother, and father are wretched people, best left behind to suffer the consequences of their own actions.

[Seraph]

I'm assuming ashamed because Seraph knows full well how she would view this if presented by someone else and from a different perspective.

Bingo, right on the nose.

[lordlundar]

There's a term for your "brother" (and I use the term VERY loosely here).

Self destructive emo.

He has had everything handed to him on a silver platter and he STILL not only says his life is shit but proceeded to make it such. This train wreck of his life was of his own making and blaming it on someone else is a cowards way out.

You did not make it worse. You hopefully knocked some sense into him (literally) and if he doesn't take that little less than subtle hint, then he is too far gone and the best thing you and your father can do is walk away. He's made is own life choices and now he has to live with him.

The only thing that feel bad about is that this is the big story and not how your clumsiness caused minor burns.

[taxguykarl]

You have made the only apology you need to make. No more, no less.

If you erred at all, it was not calling them out much sooner. Your brother, mother, and father are wretched people, best left behind to suffer the consequences of their own actions.

Agreed. Keep that piece of work (and your mother, come to think of it) from becoming an influence on your kids--except maybe as a very bad example.
You said what needed to said, as opposed to what he (and possibly your father) wanted to hear.
Sorry your holiday was ruined, but this sort of thing was inevitable and had to happen.
As for your brother: Do no more, do not take or return his call, relegate his e-mails to your spam folder....convince your nephew to move in with him.

[dougall]

There is one good thing about this at least you have got all the family drama over with at once.