Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[JessEm]

Wow, do I wish I'd had the guts to do some of this stuff when I was still working! Here are mine - this is the definitive list for the moment, until I get another job.

While working at the chemist/ drugstore
- After-hours is for store presentation, not a store-wide Hide and Seek contest.
- The wheeled pallets are for moving heavy stock, not staging a real-life version of Mariokart in the delivery bay.
- London is in no danger of a Zombie holocaust, so I must keep my mind on the job and stop creating my contingency plan.
- I am young, white and middle class, so I must stop pretending to be a 90 year old Jamaican woman on the "confidential" store surveys.
- I am not allowed to conduct conversations in animal noises with other colleagues, even if you both understand one another perfectly.
- Wheeling heavily laden trolleys by myself during open hours is against the health and safety rules, so there must always be a person to help me.
- But two people wheeling trolleys is just a bad use of time, so ignore the completely vital Health and Safety act.
- I must not smack my colleague's butt in the store.
- Even if he enjoys it.
- I am an "operations assistant," not a "stock monkey."
- Not allowed to request a change of music at Christmastime.
- Even if we've been playing the same 40 songs on loop for the past three months.
- Even if I did bring a replacement CD, and it's not "Xmas in the 909!" this time.
- Not allowed to file a customer complaint about a superior, especially if it contains grounds for termination.
- Not allowed to speculate on which drug my manager uses to keep her husband married to her.
- I am not allowed to laugh at a customer's name, even if it is "Squirrel Smith."
- "My section is haunted" is not a valid reason for a section transfer.
- Even if it bloody well is!
- Faking stomach flu to get off work results in a written warning.
- Actually having stomach flu and taking the day off work results in a written warning.
- The air conditioning is a Lie.
- My Chemical Romance is not suitable store music. Nor is Muse, Rammstein, lostprophets, AFI, the Doctor Who Soundtrack, or anything else in your music collection. Except Jack Johnson. We'll play him to death.
- Not allowed to yell "Hooocheeeee MAMA!" in any context, at any time.
- Not allowed to write the lyrics to My Chemical Romance's "Blood" on the walls of the pharmacy - "I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. I gave you all that you can drink and it has never been enough..."
- No singing that anywhere near the Pharmacy.

While temping at a small London production company
- No playing "fruit darts" with the display fruit and people walking under the window.
- No dressing scruffier than the managers. This is not usually a problem.
- No snerking at the suits your superiors seem to think look good on them, even if they are blue and pink.

[lordlundar]

Oh! Oh! Just remembered these.

- Not allowed to refer to new hires as "Fresh meat to taint and corrupt."
- Same goes for looking at them and laughing in any form.
- When asked for tips for a new hire in my former department, "Find a small, infrequently visited area and hide." is not acceptable.

All are true. I have fun messing with new hires.

[JustADude]

I am not allowed to use my Evil Laugh™ at work, even on Halloween, because it's "too good" and gives my manager the heebie-jeebies.

[edible_hat]

I'm not allowed to obey the late night radio DJ who wants people to stop what they're doing and dance whenever he plays a particular song.

[Zeeko]

- No cracking bad jokes about killing prostitutes in front of your boss THEN remembering your boss was actually charged and jailed for doing so a decade ago. (3rd day on the job)

- No calling the two bosses Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

[JessEm]

- No cracking bad jokes about killing prostitutes in front of your boss THEN remembering your boss was actually charged and jailed for doing so a decade ago. (3rd day on the job)

I think that would have been my third and last day on the job...

[Zeeko]

I lasted two weeks before telling them to shove their newspaper up their ass.

I was sooo tempted to take things further seeing I had all the remote access codes to their online news site. Maybe im just too nice

[gunsage]

- Respond to incredibly stupid e-mails with "Thank you for contacting X Company. Wrong. - Sage."
- Write down a customer's address and egg their house when I get off work.
- Yell something random like "The British are coming!" and then releasing the call.
- Send whiny customers a bottle of "No More Tears" shampoo. Yes, I love Maddox, btw.
- Throw my shoe at coworkers that won't get off of exercise machines when they're done, but instead decide it's chit chat hour.
- Put myself in idle and beat the hell out of cold transferring agents that have the balls to do so IN THE SAME BUILDING.

That's about it for now.

[Igorina]

-The axes in the greenhouse are for fire emergencies and not for weapons practise.

-I am not allowed to laugh maniacally in front of visitors.

-I am not allowed to introduce myself as 'Queen of the Ant Porn'.

-I am not allowed to instruct the secretaries on the best ways to dispose of a body and destroy the forensic evidence.

[coldcupofjoe]

-Lifts are for raising cars, not racing.
-Lifts are not to be referred to as 'Those-Magical-Car-Picker-Upper-Thingies' in front of customers.
-Floor Jacks are not to be placed on top of the I-beams. Not even if they are holding part of the roof up. Not even if they are held in place by chains.
-The plasma torch is not the proper way to remove bolts that the heads have broken off of.
-The plasma torch is not to be used as a lightsaber.
-Even if you are wearing a Darth Vader mask.
-Darth Vader masks do not qualify as proper eye protection.
-Darth Vader masks are not proper attire for speaking to customers.
-Don't wear Darth Vader masks to work.
-Ever.
-If you spill ATF on yourself, don't run into the customer waiting area screaming 'The car commited seppuku!'
-Don't run over to the dealership next door that services ambulances and hop in one to scare the tech working on it.
-Unless I approve it first.
-Or the guy deserves it. (He should bring back our scan tool when he said he would next time and then maybe I won't have to...)

[Nocmen]

A Small List from the Drugstore, thing's that I've though of:

*Refer to my coworker as "Big Master General" over intercom
*Even if one of my manager's laughs her ass off about it
*Play Jenga with the large boxes of chocolate
*Even if the MOD is cheering us on
*And we get a tower almost seven feet high
*Don't call your coworker you're playing Jenga with over the intercom to say it is his turn.
*Even if it is, and no customers are in the store
*Don't brag about how you defyed Physics with your Jenga tower to customers
*Because they might be related to the DM.
*Do not stock obviously wet damaged goods on the shelf
*Especially if it is pepper spray
*Don't give the pepper spray to the pedophile looking co-worker and say "You know what to do with this, it looks like people use it on you a lot"
*Don't put the stuff you are holding behind the counter for people back on the shelves.
* Even if they are customers that you despise.
* Especially if its already paid for.
*Don't tape random boxes of cigarettes together
*Or leave just one pack in each carton you put on display
*Have a fight with clearance tags
*Say it was the ladder's fault that you broke a hanging sign.

[tropicsgoddess]

Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Work

Play tag with the clearance and "as is" price sticker guns

Race each other in the pallets

Make forts out of the reusable boxes

Force all the SC's that stay after hours or make messes to help with cleaning up the store

[Crosshair]

Do not call the radio station and have them anounce to the listining public that we got in 16 Wii's.

Not allowd to try and sell a rubber mallet to people buying the Remington 710 and 770 rifles as an accesorry.

Even if one does need a mallet to work the bolt on those cheaply made guns.

Not allowed to play "Spot the canadian" whileon the clock.

Even if it is really easy to spot them.

Not allowed to claim salvage rights on abandoned veicles in the parking lot.

Even if they have been there a month and management won't get around to calling a tow truck.

Not allowed to race coworkers across the snow/ice covered parking lot.

Even if I am wearing carbide snow cleats.

Especialy if coworkers don't know that I am wearing carbide snow cleats.

[Saydrah]

Things You Mustn't Do in a Pet Store

Do not throw the snakes at customers.

Even if they asked to hold a snake.

Same goes for tarantulas.

Especially if they just mentioned their arachnophobia.

You still may not throw snakes at customers, even if they just made a rude comment about how snakes are a "man's pet" and asked why a girl is handling the snakes.

Do not ask children how they would feel if you locked them in a box with no air when they ask about getting a goldfish and a bowl- they do not know any better.

Do not ask children's parents if you may lock their children in a box with no air when they ask about getting a goldfish and a bowl- they do not know any better.

You may not wear nice trousers to work and pocket the Red Tailed Boa simply for the purpose of asking customers if they would like to see your trouser snake.

Asking new employees to spend some time socializing the Albino California King Snake is not polite when you know that said snake is the nastiest biter in the store and has been in the store for over a year due to the fact that it is impossible to handle him without very thick gloves.

New employees who run around the store screaming with the Albino California King Snake attached to their thumbs are not to be laughed at- at least, not while they are within hearing range.

When informed by a concerned customer that there is a dead fish in one of the tanks, it is not nice to respond, "FINALLY! I've been waiting all day to take my lunch!"

I am not permitted to hide geckos in my shirt.

The delivery person who drops off small animal shipments is not to be cornered and harangued about his company's poor care of breeding animals.

If I find a leopard gecko in the back stock room, obviously having escaped as a tiny thing and survived on loose crickets for months, if not years, which is now large and likes to bite despite its lack of teeth, the manager's desk drawer is NOT the appropriate habitat for said gecko.

The argument, "but the drawer is nicer than where it WAS living!" holds no water.

Loose crickets are for catching and tossing to the lizards and/or fish, not tossing AT the customers.

Customers who demand that you recount their crickets to make sure they really got 100 are not subject to the dumping of 100 crickets on their heads.

[DarthRetard]

Things You Mustn't Do in a Pet Store
You may not wear nice trousers to work and pocket the Red Tailed Boa simply for the purpose of asking customers if they would like to see your trouser snake.

I am still laughing about that one. Very nice.