Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[edible_hat]

I will not mention "shock sites" at work, even when there are no customers. Because a co-worker got curious and ignored my warning not to google Tubgirl.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to write signs saying "HELP ME" in pen and receipt roll and display them above the plastic-bag-free lanes.
I am also not allowed to have races with the bins to back dock.
I am not allowed to have my mind in the gutter...
...even though it's funny.

[scroob]

not allowed to suggest tracking devices so the carts could return themselves to the cart area (would be cool and make too much sense.) Also not allowed to suggest pagers/bells to let cashiers know that someone is ready to be rung out.

[edible_hat]

There is to be absolutely no referring to helmet-clad motorcyclists as "the Stig".

[scroob]

Not allowed to complain 7589625094860954738298673 times to coworkers about our terrible music.
Also not allowed to give mean faces to the phone if I am put on hold and have to listen to our terrible music

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to sing any of the "kids" songs from Two and a Half Men. Especially in front of customers.
Even though it's funny.

(For those who are unfamiliar with the songs, a few lyrics are as follows: I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup, I drink from a sippy cup so I'm a big kid now (sung to the tune of Merrily We Roll Along). The other version is "I like boobies, I like boobies, I like boobies so I'm a big kid now...)

[scroob]

I am not allowed to complain when I am bitched to about things that were not my responsibility and were in fact my coworkers!
Also not allowed to call our hated supervisor a "nazi" behind her back-or to her face.
Also not allowed to plead the 5th when asked a question where the answer would be detrimental to my job

[fireheart]

I am no longer allowed to sing, whistle or hum The Lumberjack Song while doing stock duty.
Or in front of customers.
Even though it is funny as hell.
I am also not allowed to sing it while I'm changing from day to work clothes.

[scroob]

I am not allowed to complain to anyone that I am my store's scapegoat for everything (even though I am.) My cw told me "You're job is the most secure here. Without you, who would we have to blame everything on?" Me: "That's the smartest thing you have ever said."

[Overcooked]

1) Not allowed to "season" the SC's remade order with "the floor spice."
2) For that matter, "the grease-trap spice" is also a no no.
3) "Trash can spice" is just right out.
4) Not allowed to take the published uniform rules from the employee's handbook so grossly out of context just so I can wear something that forces me to stick out from the rest of the crew. Yes, that's why it's called "UNI-form."
5) Even though I've been in violation of the hair length rule since before I was hired, and an exception was made anyways without corporate consent
6) Therefore, somehow, I am not allowed to point out other infractions against the corporate policy that occur on an hourly basis (if not more frequently) and abuse this infraction out of context to get someone else in trouble.

(...starting to think I need a new job)

7) Not allowed to show up one evening unable to speak English solely so I can goof off with the Mexican-American dishwashers and prep cooks.
8) This includes responding to servers exclusively with the phrase, "no comprendé" whenever I get a ticket I don't like.
9) 7 and 8 apply double on the grounds that I actually don't speak Spanish. Fat lotta good 4 years of High School German got me in this industry

[Shangri-laschild]

-I am not allowed to pepper spray the students for giving me "the funny eye". Trees and squirrels are fair game though.

[edible_hat]

The hand cart is not a scooter.

[fireheart]

The hand cart is not a scooter.

Neither are trolleys.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

• There shall be henceforth no more playing of the Penis Game in the backroom while unloading a truck (a couple guys got a little too...ummm, competitive not too long ago and customers complained to management).
• No paging Bea O' Problem or Maya Buttreecks to the front of the store.
• Or Pat McGroin
• Or Jacques Strap
• Or I.P. Freleigh (I am still waiting for the day when I slip up and refer to myself as 'Irv' while at work. )
• We are the truck unload team, not the Store Truck Dudes (or Dudettes as the case may be); therefore we are no longer to refer to ourselves as the STDs.

[fireheart]

Penis game? (EDIT: I found out what it involves.)

The closed sign for my checkout is not a toy. Therefore I am not to flap it up and down like a mouth while stating "I'm an extremely powerful fire demon!" (cookies for the reference)

I am also not allowed to go around the store asking customers if they want "coq au vin." (when it's said aloud in an Aussie accent, it sounds naughty)