Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Arm]

(I preface this by saying that I am not SPC Schwartz)

When in the Army...

My squadmates, bunkmates, etc. are not pants nazis.

Imitating an enraged Tyrannosaurus is not allowed (hold your hands next to your chest and flail your tiny, useless forearms while screaming "REEEEE!!!!") while on duty.

My rifle is not 'my precccciouuuuuussss'

I may not lick my rifle.

I may not drive 200KPH (roughly 125MPH) on the expressway, even if the locals are doing it.

I may not merge across four lanes of traffic at 200KPH, dodging tractor trailer rigs and local nationals, to make my exit even if that IS customary practice for local nationals and the sergeant did not bring a map and does not know where we would wind up if we missed our exit.

I may not become inspired by Skippy's List, even if people keep sending it to me.

Even if my sergeants send it to me.

Stupid troops are not: Expendable, sniper bait, meat shields, carrying extra ammunition to be retrieved postmortem, a potential food supply.

Stupid troops are not: All of the above, in order.

We do not send our battle buddies through doorways first to check for traps.

I may not consume half a pound of fudge while on duty.

Officers are not 'future frags'.

I should not answer the door naked to make people stop calling me back to the office while I am off-duty.

It doesn't work, anyway. They will only send the lowest-ranking soldier present to fetch me.

Hiding in the dayroom in a different barracks will not prevent them from calling me back to the office.

Even if the barracks belongs to a different unit, and they can't get in without knowing someone in that unit.

Leaving post will only slow them down. They will not have the problem fixed by the time I get back.

Even though they had the same training I did.

In fact, I should not bother trying to escape my fate. The only thing that my co-workers will ever learn is my next hiding spot.

.......but then I eventually got out of the Army!

I've had a few jobs since. They've all been pretty boring. None of them lasted more than a few months, so nobody ever really bothered to tell me I wasn't allowed to do something.

[electrondan]

working in electronics..

1. not allowed to tune all the radios to the local rock station and turn up real loud.
2. not allowed to sigh dramatically and point or snicker when customer asks for cell phone chargers when they are standing right in front of them.
3. or any other item.
4. not allowed to tell co-workers about this forum in front of customers.
5.or in the break room either.
6. not allowed to ride the powered shelves. ( we have a bunch of shelves that run on tracks in the floor kinda like a railroad. its fun)
7. not allowed when customers ask if i work there (even though i have a blue shirt on with the company logo on it and a name badge ) to tell them that no i'm a corporate spy for the other place.

working at a big box hardware/home improvement warehouse....

1. not allowed to give a coworker a bar of soap, a stick of deoderant, and a towel and tell him that there's a water hose in garden center with his name on it.
2. even though you could smell him a mile away. every day
3. not allowed to jump out of display tool shed and scare co-workers.
4. or customers.
5. even though the operations manager thought it was hilarious.
6. and he did it first

[PossJB]

I'm not allowed to set all the watches in the jewelry bay to go off one minute before closing. Or any other time for that matter.

[scroob]

I am not allowed to start a war with rubber bands with my cw...or win one.
Also not allowed to pelt said cw with a super ball I found in the toy section.

[Bagboy]

I'm not allowed to:

-play the game called "Creep Mouse"
-Cannot play in rafters

[fireheart]

I'm not allowed to do the following....

At my first job....(department store over Christmas)

-Read customers minds.
-Tell customers that they can't swear in front of me.
-Move after I accidentally spill a bag of beanbag beans (which are murder to clean up)
-Giggle at customers purchases. This one happened when a customer had a rubber frisbee of an animal. I started giggling because it looked like roadkill (and I will get you pics if you need it )

At my current job...

-Have limited funds in the drawer so we can't do cash out.
-Address a particular customer by ma'am (she's the creepy lady who makes me call her by her name)
-Ask about credit cards when we're required to as our job. (those last three were from customers)

-Start dancing to the music AFTER we're closed.
-Or while we're at the checkouts.
-Do your little happy dance when one of your male colleagues is waiting to relieve you for lunch (said happy dance involves repeated butt wiggling motions along with other moves.)
-Make fart noises (or any other kind of noise) over the PA.
-Play soccer with the leftover stock.
-Throw said stock onto the capping.
-Sing "Elmo's World" when it's stuck in my head!
-Flirt with customers regardless of sexuality and/or gender.
-Flirt with my fellow checkout peons regardless of whether we're on or off the clock.
-Snap at supervisors when you're having a particularly shitty day (although he forgave me after that *hands my wonderful supervisor a cookie*)
-Address supervisors as slaves, minions, proles, evil dictators or just plain evil. (they're required to do overrides for us)
-Ditto for your manager.
-Call my co-workers "Sheep" (hair), "Midget" (height), "Scary (height)", "Creepy (didn't know him at the time)" or "Hot (true)" in front of a customer.
-Or admit the last two plus "cute" in front of those particular people or on facebook.
-Address a particular colleague as "Rover" over the PA...
...even when we're closed. (this one had all of the checkout staff, subject included, cracking up laughing)
-Throw items between checkouts which includes but is not limited to: Spray bottles, fruit, vegetables, pens and paper towels.
-Especially if there is an empty checkout between you and CW.
-Ride on the pallet jacks.
-Flirt with the produce and/or seafood guys....even if they're cute!
-Set up co-workers with the nightfill boys.
-Set up work colleagues full stop.
-Perve on my manager despite him being gay. (or so I think...:S)
-Send messages between the main computer and our checkout screen.
-Smack people with plastic bags of rubbish.
...even if they made you nearly drop 3 very heavy cash drawers.
-Giggle if people screw up closing calls.
-Make magical gestures as if you are commanding the receipt to "rise" out of the machine.
-Swear at the receipt machine when it jams....
....or your register when it decides to not play fair.
-Tell male coworker who you think is cute that one of your fellow checkout peons flirts with anything that has breasts and legs (said coworker then called me talking breasts afterwards because he forgot my name :P)
-Throw things at above coworker when he does it in front of his fellow produce people.
-Act like a seal.
-Swear in any European language.
-Or Japanese.
-Point out creepy customer to my fellow peons when she's right behind me.
-Swear in front of the customers.
...even when you've dropped a can on your foot.
-Refer to one of the registers as "Gilligans Island" or the other one as "The Pits Of Hell." (Gilligans Island came from when the phone on that particular register refused to work for a good period of time, The Pits Of Hell is so aptly named because it's near the freezers and parcel pickup)
-Pull faces at my supervisor when he is attempting to do the closing announcements.
-Answer any calls via the store system with "City Morgue, you stab em, we slab em"
-Even if it's funny.
-I am also not allowed to fondle the fruit. Doesn't matter if I'm on the clock or not, the fruit is not to be fondled.

[lordlundar]

-place explosive devices in the new computer system, even by the user's request.

(he wanted something that's gonna stun him. Please. I'm a computer professional. the only ones I do result in cremation for the user. Anything less is an insult.)

[edible_hat]

We're not allowed to tape the torn off corner of a $10 note underneath a display so people will think there's a whole note under there and try to pull it out. But only because the manager fell for it.

[scroob]

I am not allowed to remind 2 of my cw's 57897354289689 times a day that those idiots sold my bike.
Also not allowed to nickname parts of the store (some funny, some just dirty...)
Not allowed to laugh at AM who had his beef stew stolen from him

[wynjara]

not allowed to tell the boss what a lazy bum his son is.
even if it's true.

not allowed to tell one owner that the other owner is useless and making everything complicated.
even if it's true.
especially when they're related.

[edible_hat]

The non-Muslims at my work (which is almost everybody) aren't allowed to crash the owner's end-of-Ramadan feast. We're also not allowed to convert for a day so we can go to the feast.

[draftermatt]

I'm not allowed to give our QC guy an e-mail account.

I am also not allowed to have a short cut for Microsoft Outlook on the QC guy's desktop.

(Owner is a moron, and thinks if he deletes the shortcut then it gets rid of the program. And he doesn't know how to check to see if there's an e-mail account in the guy's name, ha)

[scroob]

I am not allowed to be distracted for 20 minutes by a kid in a frog costume hopping around and ribbitting (sp?)
Also not allowed to ask a random customer for a noose
especially if I'm not prepared for the answer!

[scroob]

When someone asks what happened to the side of our building (vehicle went through) the correct answer is NOT: really big termites
even though it looks like were being fumigated

[vloglady]

I work in a public library.

We are not allowed to take cell phones away from customers and smash them on the floor. )-:

Susan