Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[fireheart]

-Even though some of the staff do look like it, they are not Oompa-Loompas in our promo shirts.
-I am not to corrupt the new hire.
-Especially the ones going to another store.
-I am not to pump my fists in the air and go "woo-hoo!" at the end of a shift.
-I should also not scream "FREEDOM!" on my way to the locker rooms.
-Pen in the hair is fine. Pen-in-hair-while-wearing-a-hat is NOT fine.
-I cannot colour my hair orange while the promotion is on.
-Even if we were told "you can wear anything orange, but you still need to wear your work uniform."
-I can, however, wear bright orange socks.

[KiaKat]

I am not allowed to make fun of the boss' inability to change a lightbulb.

Even if he did blow out the light switch. And the circuit. Right before a tasting.

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to put signs on the trolleys blocking the unused registers that say "please do not move me, I am broken." (even though they weren't.)

I only did this because it's an easy escape route for thieves and the two operators closest had their backs to the registers in question.

[MelodiousBubbles]

1. Not allowed to sing Augen Auf on the front end.
2. Or deli.
3. Not allowed to sing Gott ist ein Popstar on the front end either.
4. Not allowed to sing songs from Avenue Q on the front end.
5. I shouldn't sing the Imperial March whenever the owner walks through the door.
6. Even if he finds it fucking hilarious.
7. The groceries in produce are NOT plotting my downfall.
8. Even if I got scratched by a sweet potato "How the hell does that HAPPEN, Bubbles?!"
9. I am a shiftleader, not an overlord my badge says so.
10. No, I can't change my badge to say that I AM an overlord.
11. Stop calling the cashiers my vassals.
12. Not allowed to sing anything but what's playing over the intercom anymore.
13. Even Disney songs.
14. Not allowed to sing "Merry Unbirthday" to everyone whenever I get too bored.
15. Even if it makes them laugh.
16. If it's fun, you're probably not allowed to do it.
17. Can't tell Pat she's a cranky old woman who needs to keep her nose out of other peoples' business.
18. The children aren't "crotch goblins", "crib midgets", or "Satan spawn" and it's not nice for me to say they are while their parents can hear.
19. Unborn children aren't parasites, despite their inability to live outside of their host.
20. I shouldn't suggest giving someone a coat hanger for Christmas while on the clock.
21. Even if she's my age (20), on her third kid, and only doing it for the attention
22. Can't tease the new cashiers until they've worked with me at least twice.
23. Ok, make that two weeks.
24. Not allowed to give the sarcastic remarks I think of to customers.
25. Unless they're being a jackass
26. Not allowed to advise the crazy woman who yells at herself all through the store that she should go back on her meds.
27. Talking to peoples' groceries is more than mildly unsettling, so I should avoid it.
28. I need to remember #12, or I won't be able to sing on the front end period.
29. Yes, that includes singing to peoples' groceries.
30. No matter how fun it is, I can't use the trolleys as a skateboard.
31. Even if I've seen the night crew guys do it all the time.

[Zombi]

When someone tells me 'Ooh, we must get you access to PIMS!' (one of our recording systems on the 'puter), I am not allowed to reply 'Yes, you must. Just bring me some ice and leave the bottle'.

[Bella_Vixen]

Not allowed to call the AM a figurehead...at least in front of customers.





(It was funny though. In context.)

[crazylegs]

I must not suggest novel uses for the covert cameras.

[lordlundar]

4. Not allowed to sing songs from Avenue Q on the front end.

You tried to sing "The internet is for porn", didn't you?

[fireheart]

I am not allowed to dance around like an idiot to the musak.

Even though it's hilarious.

I am also not allowed to start singing "Macho Man" over the PA system. (I didn't do this, a friend of a coworker of mine DID and did it with a Jamaican accent.)

[finlayfox]

I am not allowed to ask if someone has had their soul eaten after they have been bitching about every little thing.... especially if they are a sup

[fireheart]

A couple of these came from my boyfriend, who worked in an abbatoir.

-The vibrating thing is not an excuse for him to go and jack off in the bathrooms. (looong story-basically there's this vibrating floor he has to stand on...and well....you know the rest.)
-He cannot take time off for study. (this is what's caused him to resign)

From me:

-I am not allowed to flirt with the new male hire.
-I am also not allowed to randomly shout pirate sayings.
-I cannot read this list at university.
-I am not allowed to tell customers about the Famous Flying Leap, nor the Guns with Carrots story.

[Bella_Vixen]

It's getting to the point where I really can't say anything at all, especially if/when there's customers around. *sigh*

[Triaspia]

I am not aloud to ask customers if they'd like to see the bottom of the fryer
I am not aloud to keep a chainsaw under the counter for problem customers
.... or any form of ballistics/artillery
.... or anything with a blade
.... or any form of a weapon at all
I am not aloud to spend my shift holding reciept paper under the heat lamps... no matter how cool it looks
I am not a chicken chucker and cannot get a badge made that said I am
If a customer asks what's in a burger, any meat besides chicken or bacon should not be mentioned
.... nor should i say a burger contains rooster meat (it confuses some customers)
No matter how tempting it is I am not aloud to slam the grill press shut on my managers hand
.... or a customers
During the middle of lunch/tea rush I cannot climb on the counter and announce competitors specials
Taking my glasses off to do dishes and saying 'blind man coming through' is not a valid reason for me to walk around with my arms at chest height
.... definitely not wen the only male staff in the store are me and the cook
No matter how funny I think it is, I shouldn't startle CW by suddenly "appearing" behind them (I've had several people suggest I wear a bell around my neck because of this)
NO WEAPONS UNDER THE COUNTER
No eating where the customers can see
.... especially food from a competitor
Frozen chicken isn't as funny as I think it is
No suggesting we sacrifice the manager to the fryer gods in an effort to stop the beeping
If the drive through speaker beeps, its telling you a car is at the window and you must go serve, it is not a suggestion
No serving customers is not optional
after spending half an hour putting boxes in the freezer in the middle of winter, it is not a good idea to stick my hands in a fryer to warm them up
I cannot setup a slip'n'slide in the back room in summer
No ice fights.... unless the manager starts it
.... no continuing after the manager quits
.... no using science to make supercold ice water then dipping a cloth in it and placing said freezing cloth on CW's necks
.... no teaching them how to get it so cold either
I am not aloud to know the managers code to give discount to my friends
.... even if a manager tells me hers so she can stay and help drive though
No trying to commit suicide by sticking my head out of drive through window and pressing the close button to get out of serving
.... even if I offer to let thee manager go first
No requesting we close the store at 10:30am
.... even if we havent had a single customer since we opened at 10
No messing with the register computers to try and get internet access
Not aloud to laugh when the manager, whilst setting up the new office computer, forgets to plug the cord from the printer into the computer, and having someone from head office trying to fix the problem via remote access (no matter how good the program is, its not gunna fix the printer if the cable isnt pluged in)
I do not work at Krispy Fried Children and should not answer the phone as such
No answering the phone like one of those automated machines designed to direct calls, customers will press 4 to register a complaint
.... even if the manager thinks I did it well and can tell the difference in key tone to know what the customer pressed
I should not address the managers as:
.... mien fuhrer
.... my liege
.... mummy
.... though there is one who lets us call her sir
I am not aloud to hold customers hostage until they clean up their own rubbish instead of leaving it for me
I am also not aloud to remember said customers and deny them service until they promise to clean up their own tables
No hiring school children to to do my job for me
No trying to impairment a more efficient system to improve anything it wont last more then 3 weeks and is a waste of time
I am not hearing voices in my head, its just the drive through speaker


........ i think thats enough for now

[Ghel]

I am not allowed to tell the president of the bank he should retire.
... even if he is getting senile.
I am not allowed to tell coworker that her desk is a mess, even though it's going to be my desk in a month (when she retires), and it's going to take me another month to get it properly organized.
It probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to tell bosslady that it's her fault that I was reluctant to take over retiring coworker's position.
... even if the previous training I received was "Here's the software. Here's the file. Make your documents match this."
I am not allowed to tell salespeople to "piss off" when they walk in to the bank cold to sell us something we don't need.
... but I am allowed to tell cold sales callers that they're wasting their time and money calling us, and that they're wasting their postage sending us "free" magazines.
I am not allowed to tell AWTH that it's her own fault she's getting so much spam.
... even though she gets more spam than all other employees combined.
I am not allowed to laugh when I look at a customer's credit report.
When a customer says "But so-and-so never charges me!" I may not respond, "Thank you for letting me know. I'll make sure that she gets proper training so that she doesn't lose any more fee income for the bank."
... but if a customer points out that money orders are cheaper at the post office, I am allowed to suggest he go there.
I am not allowed to instruct a customer on how to structure a transaction to avoid reporting requirements. (This is a federal regulation.)
If a customer asks what the threshold is for reporting, I can tell them, but I cannot tell them that even asking about it requires me to do other reporting. (Again, federal regulation)
I am, however, allowed to tell the customer that they're better off making a single deposit or withdrawal than trying to break it up to avoid reporting, since structuring the deposit to avoid reporting requirements is illegal.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

The office supplies are not my minions.
The staple remover is not a Chompy Bulldog Monster.
The Bulldog Monster may not nom on staples.