Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[KatherineB]

Don't even ask me how I came up with that one. <_<

Hey, Irv, how did you come up with that one?

(I'm not good at following directions... )

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Hey, Irv, how did you come up with that one?

(I'm not good at following directions... )

I told you not to ask!

/flails

Anyhow....
the following is not a good idea and we are not to do it:

1. hook up empty domestics bins or flatbed carts to the forklift with tow ropes
2. charge people $10 a ride and take them around the parking lot behind the forklift
3. use the proceeds to buy a Keurig coffeemaker for the breakroom.

I am especially not to mention this if my race car-driver co-worker is anywhere in earshot. He always says "Race car drivers are retards" and then proves it himself almost every day.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When moving Christmas clearance crap around, do not arrange the wreath holders with letters on them to spell "F M L."

I may or may not have done this today. /shifty eyes

[Casino Jockey]

i am not allowed to punch customers when they tell me "Andre Rieu is the best violinist ever!!!" (he is so far from being the best violinist ever - Nigel Kennedy is (IMHO) one of the best

[BeeMused]

i am not allowed to punch customers when they tell me "Andre Rieu is the best violinist ever!!!" (he is so far from being the best violinist ever - Nigel Kennedy is (IMHO) one of the best

Are you allowed to let other customers punch that customer?
Andre Rieu <shudder> Among my faves is young David Garrett.

[Casino Jockey]

Are you allowed to let other customers punch that customer?
Andre Rieu <shudder> Among my faves is young David Garrett.

now i sold the store - go for it

[rapana1]

At Derplands Fabric, I am not allowed to-

-Reply to the question "Is this all the buttons you have?" with, "Actually, we've hidden several tubes of buttons throughout the store. If you can find them all, you win A PRIZE!!"

-Reply to the question "Do you have any invisible thread?" with, "How would I know?"

-Reply to requests for a discount by smiling broadly and offering my hand, then when customer looks puzzled, say, "oh, you don't know the Secret Handshake? Then you must not be part of the Derplands Fabric super-secret discount club!"

-Then tell customer that in order to apply for membership in said club, they need a written reference from at least two other members.

- Reply to the question "How many metres for a dress?!?" with "Eleventy-one."

- Also not allowed to answer with "Pi" or "42."

- ask customers "Do you even lift?" when they ask me to retrieve small easily carried items for them.

- speak entirely in Lolcat.

-speak even partially in Lolcat.

-tell people they can get it from the $2 shop for less.

-Tell people they can get it from Centrederp Fabrics in (central upmarket shopping district) because they are annoying, and it will cost them more there, including paying for parking.

-tell ditherers to "Shit or get off the pot" when I have other customers waiting.

-do the above when I have no other customers waiting.

-charge for browsing.

-tell unruly children to behave or else I will put them thru the rolling machine to flatten them out, and sell them by the metre.

- Yell "Blood for the Blood God!!!" when someone stabs themselves with a pin. (it's usually me.)

-Pull down large roll of polyester wadding from top shelf and use it as a beanbag for most of the day ( Former teenaged CW)

[Kitten in the box]

-Answer with"No, I do not work here when asked if I work here and I am in uniform

-When asked where rubbers (condoms) are kept say "on a guy's weiner or in his wallet."

-

[fireheart]

-I am not allowed to sing alternate words to One Direction, Justin Bieber or other pop songs at the OSHC.
-No teaching kids how to weaponise pumpkins.
-The chairs that the kids sit in are not designed to keep them stimulated by having a scratchy back.
-The bleach is not for the dress-ups.
-The vacuum cleaner actually does not suck (as in literally it has no suction -.-). I am not allowed to say this out loud however.
-I am not allowed to suggest movies for the kids to watch.
-Especially NOT Sweeney Todd, Hairspray or Les Miserables.
-Even though they are musicals.

-The kids are not learning how to conquer the pool.
-No playing Marco Polo during the last five minutes of a class.

[BlaqueKatt]

I work in a microbiology lab:
(some of these I have done, some have been vetoed prior to attempt)

not allowed to start the zombie apocolypse, or attempt to.
Even if I make myself "patient zero"
not allowed to see if the petri plates have a flavor, even if they are pink.
Ditto for the plates growing purple or blue salmonella colonies.
Not allowed to wear my tinfoil wonder woman tiara during audits or client visits.
Not allowed to name bacterial or mold colonies and keep them as pets. Or minions.
Not allowed to hold individual funerals for the billions of bacteria I slaughter daily.
Or group funerals, just run the autoclave.
No the autoclave is not called "Valhalla".
We cannot reenact "lord of the flies" when management is not present, even if I do have an impressive spear made from pipettes. Why do I have a spear made of pipettes?
The autoclave apron is NOT a "superhero cape".
Full autoclave safety gear is not "zombie battle gear."
While micropipettors do shoot tips with distance and accuracy, they are not to be used for "lab warfare", or "target practice".
Cannot bring my cat to work, even if I make her a labcoat.
cannot charge admission to "Club MEDia", and the blacklights are for reading plates, not decoration.
Not allowed to house "sea monkeys" in PCR Tubes, or guppies in the waterbath.
Not allowed to autoclave marshmallows, "for science".
Not allowed to try and convince others to autoclave marshmallows "for science"
Pipettes are not to be used as straws, using them as hairsticks is fine, using them as chopsticks is iffy.
Centipedes are to be released to the outdoors, and not housed in large Erlenmeyer flasks as "mascots", even if you cleaned them(the centipedes) with pro-quat.
Spiders too.
Cannot take bribes to make media.
Cannot offer bribes to not make media.
The peas are for Pe-2 media, not a "test tube garden".
Not allowed to "liberate the spores!"
While "weighing paper" is good for origami, please limit your model making during work hours.
Petri film is not a "trading card game", and please do not try to "collect them all".
the deadblow hammers are for crushing samples, and wielding one does not give me the power of Thor.
I cannot requisition a hammock.

[AnaKhouri]

My husband is a biochemistry postdoc.

He CLAIMS he is not allowed to use lab facilities to clone me a pet eohippus.

I remain suspicious.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Why do I have a spear made of pipettes?

The correct question is "why DON'T you have a spear made of pipettes?"

[pzychobitch]

I am not allowed to attempt to out fart my boss.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

When told to be more careful when stacking TVs because some of them are too high for our 85% female workforce to get at, do not suggest people use stilts to reach them instead.

Or wear stiletto heels.

Especially not five-inch high, clear ones.

[Racket_Man]

When told to be more careful when stacking TVs because some of them are too high for our 85% female workforce to get at, do not suggest people use stilts to reach them instead.

Or wear stiletto heels.

Especially not five-inch high, clear ones.

Been to too many stripper bars lately Irv????