Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Dips]

I am not allowed to tell network administrators I'm supporting what their job is. Even if they think network administration at their institution is somehow MY job.

Nor am I allowed to ask them if they got their certification by following a link in a spam email.

Speaking of spammers. Asking Nigerian scammers to convert the millions into gold and mail it to me for safekeeping against the impending collapse of the international banking system and civilization is not work-related and is discouraged.

[Crosshair]

Not allowed to try and "upgrade" the stores FFL to Class 2 SOT status.* (I don't think anyone got it when I asked, but it is still funny to me.)

*For those who don't know. Class 2 SOT = Manufacturer of NFA firearms, including machine guns, suppressors, short barreled shotguns, short barreled rifles, destructive devices, and "any other weapons".

I am sure corporate would have LOVED me. On the other hand, being able to buy and possess Flashbangs and CS (Tear gas) gernades, both classified as destructive devices under the NFA, might come in handy around Black Friday. I'm sure we could get a M242 Bushmaster for those people who park their cars in the fire lane.

[mwolf805]

36 Things I am not allowed to do at work.

This is a list I compiled while working for a Box production company.

I was the company bitch, I brought the presses ink, plates and then removed them and did whatever else I was told.

Anyway, I compiled this list. These are things I did, said, was told, or suggested I do. Seriously.

Enjoy, Some are really out there.


1. My co workers do not speak either terrified or enraged German.

2. Do not ride any machine mo matter how fun it may sound....it will only end in a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and money coming out of your pocket.

3. My official title is: Press Service Attendant, not Ulric the destroyer of worlds, crusher of dreams, and devourer of souls and breakfast cereals.

4. We cannot pillage and raze the Cardboard village (Stock Floor), no matter how much gold they may have.

5. There are no magical pot-smoking leprechauns in the 35" press.

6. And put down that air wand!

7. Thou shalt not throw the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch into any machine, no matter how much of the devil is with it.

8. I am not authorized to operate any vehicle on premises, with the exception of my own. That includes floor trucks, fork lifts, mowers, sweepers, Semi's, train engines, vendor trucks, and the war machine.

9. I'm not allowed to ride the printing plate carousels, no matter how fun it could be.

10. This is not a chemistry lab, I am not to test my theories on the combustibility of corrugated board.

11. No open flame means NO OPEN FLAME!

12. And put that torch down!

13. I am not authorized to perform "repairs" on anything unless it is actually broken and I have been trained to do so.

14. I am not to use any machine or tool for my own personal vendettas or entertainment.

15. We are to run at the maximum possible speed the machine can, No matter how much it hinders production by jamming up the machine.

16. When asked if you will work overtime... It's not a question.

17. You can be assaulted by an inanimate object that is not in the possession of a living being.

18. I did not have to bludgeon the magical leprechauns with a wrench before they kicked my ass, that's just ink.

19. If people want my opinion, they'll ask me.

20. I am not to assume that the machine is okay to go. Recheck it before starting and explosions like this can be avoided.

21. If I spill silicone on the floor I am to clean it or tell someone who can. I am not to create a gambling racket on who will break what bone when they slip and fall.

22. I am not to operate a drug cartel from my locker.

23. You have plenty of time to rest when you die.

24. A black bucket marked with any Mike's Hard flavor is NOT the actual thing...

25. And Stop drinking the ink!

26. My supervisor's name is Shane, not dumbass, hey you, shit head, ass hole or any other term or phrase that is not his given name.

27. The printing plate washer is not the state's largest bidet.

28. I am not to start a knife fight with the helper of a machine because he looked at me funny.

29. I did not see the face of Jesus on that board...or that one....or that one.....or that one...

30. I cannot pay a bum to fill in for me.

31. Gone drinkin' is not a valid excuse for ditching work.

32. God has not damned this place to hell. (as the power fails)

33. The supervisor is not possesed.

34. And put that hose down! It's not even holy water!

35. I am not allowed to tell new people they must drink their own urine for refreshment.

36. I am not to use stock floats as a skateboard, luge or any other method of personal conveyance.

[Tithera]

When working as a newspaper carrier:

1) Am not supposed to throw paper into bush and pedal away like a maniac
2) or throw paper unto porch roof and yell "Score"
3) should not start a pool with other carriers to see how many days the printing press goes with out a problem
4) Am not aloud to say to nasty children to f*ck themselves and throw paper at said child's head
5) nor am I allowed to beat said child with said paper
6) even if their parents encourage it(not joking)
7) do not kick rabid dog in front of its owner
8) when delivering to a buisness, do not set paper on counter, back away slowly and then run out of building shouting "it's gonna blow!" (especially since 9/11)
9) do not call in sick after papers have arrived at your house
10)or call from out of town the day you are out of town
11) when asking a friend to do your route while out of town, don't leave a note saying "Just throw them in the creek, no one will notice" instead of the list of houses
12) do not come up to a customer, hand them their paper and walk away whispering "your time will come."
13)espcially if said person is a friend of your supervisor
14) when asked why you are late, do not respond with " I was turned into a newt!" Then stand there and wait for response.
15)then followed by " I got better." and walk away.
16)do not throw paper into windows, even if that person is a major douche
17)and don't leave your newspaper bag with your name in it behind
18) especially if it still has papers in it.
19)do not type your own articles and draw your own comics and deliver it to your customers
20)even if the elderly ones couldn't tell the difference
21)do not kneel on someone's lawn and raise your arms and shout "By all the powers that be, I command that this house be sacrificed."
22) even if it is your friend's house
23) or exorcising the owner's dog
24) even if it's name really is El Diablo
25)do not tell little girls that their dad was the mailman
26) do not yell at kids who throw snowballs that "the newspaper gods will bring their wrath upon you" and pelt them with extra papers
27)do not use papers as stuffing during winter when you forget your coat
28)when paper falls apart and lands in pieces on the lawn, do not point and laugh like Nelson
29)especially if the owner is standing right there
30)do not carry a random black cat around saying "it's my familar", especiallay to an old lady who is roman catholic or protestant.
31) on halloween
32) your carrier bag does not count as a carry all pouch
33) when delivering to insurance companies, do not knock out windows and yell "your insurance covers that, right?"

At my resturant job:
1) do not call owner/manager crazy, even if he truly is
2) do not act like a walrus with the straws
3) when asked where you worked last on application, do NOT put the 7th layer of hell under Satan herself.
4)when asked about references, it is not a good idea to put your dad as one
5)especially if he has a sense of humor
6)do not spray co-workers with hose when doing dishes
7)espcially if said co-worker is cooking
8) do not throw bosses keys into dumpster
9)espcially when it'garbage day
10)half an inch of snow is not grounds to show up 2 hours late
11) or close 3 hours early, even if no one has come since 10 that morning
12) do not stand up on one of the big tables and sing and dance to the tune of "the knights of the round table"
13) especially if there is customers who don't know the song
14)do not quote monty python's "cheese shop" sketch when asked what kind of cheese they have for omlets
15) same goes for the dead parrot sketch when asked about the roasted chicken
16)do not fill a coffee cup with heated pepsi, advid coffe drinkers can tell the difference
16)when asking a customer regular or decaf and is answered with "what ever you have fresh", do not walk back to where the coffee maker is and return with a hot pot of water and coffe grounds
17) and label it, "instant coffee"
18) when asked what kind of potatos you have, do not reply Mr. and Mrs.
19) do not crawl around the kitchen floor with knife stating "the tendorloins are attacking at noon."
20) when entering the storage room upstairs, do not run around happily and sing "the sond of music" when in open space
21)nor bang pots and pans together and tell patrons later that the place is haunted
22)or ride the dumbbell system just because you didn't fell like taking the stairs.
23) if you're going to smoke upstairs, don't leave a lit cig in the ash tray by the open fire escape
24) because it will live up to its name and will let the fire escape into other parts of the building
25) when in need of ice or paper towels do not go to the minimart next door and ask for "ammunition against the communist pigs"
26) even if the clerk agrees
27)do not ask for a larger tip because you need money for drugs
28) because old people do not appreciate being made fun of
29)when asked what the special is, do not reply with fresh venisin with a side salad
30) unless that deer came through your window is lying next to the customer( actually happened! a pack of deer went through downtown, one of them crashing through the window. Thankfully, that was before I started working there and it was closed at the time. The tabe that the deer struck is still there, with the chunks missing from the top from where the hooves hit it.)
31) or if it is hunting season
32)you can not, under no circumstances, hold a sword fight with the extra knives
33) or play with the napkins while wrapping silverware
34) when a customer says you missed a spot while your mopping up after them, do not respond with "I think you missed a spot too, oh wait that's just your herpes."
35)because old people do not like to be made fun of
36)do not smear redi-whip n your upper lip and yell " hail hitler!" in a room full of ww2 veterans
37) when serving kids, do not say " what would you like to drink and then spill on the floor and cry as I beat you senselessly for dirtiering my newly cleaned floor?"
38) do not answer the phone by saying "1-800-Sexy, how may I service you?"
39)even if your supervisor finds it funny as hell
40)when making pies, do not place any body part in the apple pie, no matter how horny you are

[alexdsoso]

No swapping keyboard cables and turning a classmate's computer into HAL/Eliza.
...unless the instructor has a sense of humor.

Not allowed to tell customers with Vista computers that they've found the new resting place of Zuul/Gozer/Vigo/Cthulhu/Hastur/whichever demon seems appropriate (I have had so many problems supporting Vista boxen)

My Schrodinger's Cat T-shirt has the potential to cause non-geek brains to implode (and has done so to someone I thought was intelligent enough to get it). No longer to be worn casually due to destructive potential. If the customers' brains are frizzled they can't pay me.

I want that shirt!

[Xarthedia]

- No renaming the office space "Hell on Toast" when the new heating unit spontaneously sets the temperature 20 degrees higher than usual.

- No calling the same place "The Frozen Wasteland" when said heating unit does the opposite.

- The A/C is not made up of a large line of pots boiling water. Even if it does sound exactly like that.

- The motor operating the shutters for the windows was not taken from an old fishing boat. Even if it does sound exactly like that.

- No accusing the security team of setting off the alarm in our area "just to see how fast we react".

- Even if the very sound scares the daylights out of me and makes me want to take a wirecutter to the speakers.

- No removing my footwear, dragging my socks over the carpet and zapping my co-workers with static electricity.

- Especially not when they're on the phone with a customer.

- The Southern wall with the funky shade of blue paint is not a portal to another reality. So quit referring to it as such.

- The cargo lift by the Northern stairs is not a toy.

- Nor is the incline below said lift a slide.

- Sliding down the banisters while on the clock is a no-no.

- Same if I'm off the clock.

[DarthRetard]

No more corny jokes. EVER.

No telling customers that phones are expensive because Jesus told me so.

Not allowed to claim anti-theft protection and then demonstrate as per Sprint commercials.

Don't touch that. It's sharp, we know how you are with sharp things.

You're not too sexy for your shirt.....turn the song off and put your shirt on. For humanity's sake.

[Becks]

You're not too sexy for your shirt.....turn the song off and put your shirt on. For humanity's sake.

When I have my own business, you can work with me. I'll let you play the song and strip.

[Mr B Rabbit]

At the school's network centre, I am not allowed to use the BOFH stories as an instruction manual...

...even if it would be much more fun to hook the office door handle to the mains.

[Buglady]

- Not allowed to answer the phone "<workplace name>, please fuck off"

- Even if they called six times in a row and won't believe they STILL have to go to voicemail

- Not allowed to diagnose customers using the DSM-IV - apparently you have to have a psychology degree to do that.

- Even if I'm right

- Not allowed to use the phrase "herding cats" when describing what I do

- Not allowed to put Ritalin in the water cooler

- Not allowed to get radio-tracking collars from old job at national park and put them on the people whose appointments/phone calls I'm responsible for despite the fact that said people keep leaving their offices 2 minutes before said scheduled appointment/phone call thus requiring me to run down hallways after them and herd them back

- Definitely not allowed to get the kind of collars that give a shock when the wearer gets too close to an electronic "fence"

[Food Lady]

ok nevermind, my mistake

[RogueThinker]

Let Us Give Thanks

First, I need to cite the original, the best, the 213 Things Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do in the Army
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

Things I have not been allowed to do at various jobs:
1) Lean
2) Drink liquids other than water while in the store

Short list, huh? OTOH, things I have been allowed to do:
1) not wear shoes
2) pretend to be Inuit/First Nations
3) attempt to wear all the rings in the display case at one time
4) have food delivered
5) offer to sell 1 or 2-tonne artifacts to the public

[El Barto]

When the cashier that was on (who happened to be the store prankster, bad scheduling on my bosses part) and I closed the store Sat we did a few things to mess with the people who opened the next morning (April Fools Day).

Leave an 8ft tall stack of Bounty paper towels blocking the office door.

Move a pallet of Poland Spring so it blocks the overstock room.

Stack all the outside garbage cans on top of each other. (Still there when I came in Sunday afternoon, nobody scheduled in the morning could get the top one down. )

Fill an empty till with empty film containers.

Put garbage bags over all the register screens.

[Jade Pheonix]

I'm not allowed to...

..."rent' a hamster and ball for Derby race.
... give "7th layer of hell" as the store's address.
... run around the parking lot yelling "Freedom!" after my shift.
... let any person wearing lots of jewelry hold a ferret just so I can tell them how good ferrets are a stealing.
... use old english when making annoucments of the PA.
... use a embarrassing nick-names for co-workers when calling them over the PA ( ex. "Susy-wozy, please come to register one.")
... walk around backwards with my uniform on backwards, and a piece of paper with a face drawn on it taped to the back of my head.
... put a coller around my neck and offer the leash to co-workers, beg to be taken to the park.
... throw "Hamster grenades" at SCs.
... challenge co-workers to sword fights using bully-sticks.
... tell customers the bathrooms are out of order then go use the bathroom.
... ride the pallet jack around the store.
... offer rides to customers/co-workers while riding pallet jack and charging them a $5 fare.
... make quacking sounds when our over-paid "celebrity" store vet visits.
... drink a XL cup of expresso before my shift.
... teach the parrots/cockatiels how to say " No, you can't haggle my price."
... tell manager that " a witch" turned a co-worker into a newt and show them one of the store newts as proof.
... act out the "Witch" scene for "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" with co-workers, no matter how funny the customers think it is.
... prank call the guy in the fish room during my break, no matter how much of a jerk he's been.

[B&NGoddess]

at stein mart (like a higher end kmart/dept. store):
1. not allowed to call in crazy
2. not allowed to have scan gun wars with other cashiers
3. not allowed to call direct supervisor a bottle blond bimbo
4. not allowed to fake my own death to get out of work
5. or even joke about it

at waldenbooks:
1. not allowed to walk on my knees and pretend im a midget
2. not allowed to write stories while at the calendar kiosk
3. no matter how boring
4. not allowed to let people use the bathroom unless approved by management
5. not allowed to actually be fired, must notice that im not on the schedule for the next 3 weeks

at kmart:
1. do not encourage your direct supervisor to fake orgasms over the intercom
2. not allowed to throw your vest at the manager and shout "i quit!"
3. do not refer to kmart as "gay-mart", "came-apart", or any other derogatory name.
4. not allowed to go home "sick" on memorial day weekend
5. not allowed to tell customers to get out if they have nothing better to do than bother you

at B&N:
1. cant call the DM grimace
2. no matter how much she looks like him
3. not allowed to shout "fuck you!" to a customer on the phone
4. not allowed to shout anything to a customer on the phone
5. not allowed to tell parents to watch their kids
6. dont call the manager "gay"
7. or "queen"
8. even if he is
9. even if you dont mean anything by it
10. not allowed to joust with the carts and old packing material
11. not allowed to refer to the clientele as white trash
12. or the obese and stinky public
13. or trailer trash
14. or red necks
15. or pack of cletuses
16. not allowed to encourage fellow coworkers to break the rules
17. especially since you're in a position of authority
18. not allowed to call a manager and say "pee lady is fresh"
19. not allowed to call a manager and say "i think i hear tornado sirens" and then call back minutes later and say "oops, my bad"
20. not allowed to call in sleepy
21. not allowed to call in fucked up
22. not allowed to refer to coworker K as "special k"
23. or "shuffles"
24. not on the floor, at least
25. not allowed to shout "every man for himself" during a fire drill
26. not allowed to page "blue wizard to the dungeon"
27. not allowed to say "blue wizard needs food badly" over the pa system
28. dont regale new employees with your stories of battle trauma
29. especially the one about the "mad shitter"
30. not allowed to leave after manager hits you in the eye with a quidditch ball
31. not allowed to tell new employees that story
32. or anyone else for that matter
33. not allowed to later claim PTSD because of it
34. do not take home standees and then claim you have legolas or judge judy in your trunk
35. not allowed to clothesline thieves
36. or fellow coworkers
37. especially not grimace
38. no matter how satisfying it would be
39. seriously, stop asking
40. this is the last time im going to tell you
41. not even with sugar on top
42. or a cherry