Horribly inappropriate, but hilarious things heard at work

[fireheart]

This one requires a bit of background.

My work's resident annoying twit is friends with a friend of mine. The friend mentioned to me once to keep an eye out for him because "he's a skirt chaser who flirts with anything that has breasts and legs."

I went and mentioned this to one of my friends at work the next day. Guess what he calls me?
"Talking breasts."
Our conversations have long since ventured into the risque. He quit about 6 months after we both started, but is now dating one of our supervisors.

[RestaurantDude]

We have a pretty casual attitude towards inappropriate stuff at work, so long as it doesn't cross the line into harassment and such.

Earlier today one of the servers asked me what the soups were. Now, seeing as we always have one creamy soup and one chunky soup, i'd normally reply "Creamy, and chunky!" Decided to mix it up a bit this time tho:

CW: Hey, RestaurantDude, any idea what the soups are today?
ME: "Uh... Mushroom Vegetable and Cream of Sum Yung Gui."
CW: Ok, thanks" *starts to walk to dining room.* *pauses* "Fuck you RestaurantDude"
ME:

[bean]

ME: "Uh... Mushroom Vegetable and Cream of Sum Yung Gui."

I'll take the second, as long as it's at least 21...

That said, we serve 18 soups a day at work... 6 in deli, 8 in meat, 4 in seafood... (hint: meat dept has the best ones, they actually have, you know... meats in them, I HIGHLY recommend the turkey tortilla soup).

I've been told a couple of times "Okay even for you that's way across the line", but it's always forgotten a few minutes later. The asst dept manager is slightly more inappropriate than me (she's the one that came up with the jet fuel powered sex machine line I quoted in my original post)....

[cinema guy]

At one point someone put the wrong liquid soap in the dispensors behind the kiosk. (Perfumed soap for customers, biocidal soap for food handling staff).

So one of the girls was emptying it the only way possible, by dispensing the soap into a cup. It was making SQUELCH, SQUELCH, SQUELCH noises.

Me: "Oh yes! Harder! Faster! Do it to me!"

[fireheart]

At one point someone put the wrong liquid soap in the dispensors behind the kiosk. (Perfumed soap for customers, biocidal soap for food handling staff).

So one of the girls was emptying it the only way possible, by dispensing the soap into a cup. It was making SQUELCH, SQUELCH, SQUELCH noises.

Me: "Oh yes! Harder! Faster! Do it to me!"

That is absolutely hilarious.

And now everyone in the uni library is looking at me funny....

[bean]

At my very first ever job, I was 17 and in a Quiznos...

The manager was showing me how to refill the soap dispensers in the bathroom. I said "Wow that looks like some tasty stuff" sarcastically.

Then I realized it looked a lot like... well, semen.

She gave me a HUGE wtf look and fired me within the hour. She claimed I was "too stupid to work here", I found out later from her brother that she was extremely homophobic.

(this was in the mid 90s)

I didn't cry when that particular franchise filed bankruptcy a few months later. And if someone with an IQ in the mid 140s is too stupid to work in a sandwich shop for minimum wage......

(ironically, today I am openly gay, but wasn't open about it until I was in my mid 20s... her brother knew, she didn't, and very few friends knew back then)

[crashhelmet]

back when I was working as a bench tech for a retail chain, we used to ride each other all day about whatever we could. There were only 2 females in our department (1 tech and 1 logistics) and they were just as bad as the rest of us.

The first one, i don't remember what the conversation was leading up the comment that I made, but I turned to the female tech and said "Have you ever been grabbed like a bowling ball?"

And another time one of our co-workers was out of work having a vasectomy done. While he was gone, we configured his workstation to play "Creep" by Stone Temple Pilots when Windows started up. More specifically, the line "I'm half the man I used to be."

CH

[ArenaBoy]

A few days ago, one of our editors walked into the kitchen and loudly said,

"Why is there foreskin in the kitchen?"

Causing every one in the news room to wonder what the hell was going on. Turns out it was some obscure condiments.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Just last Wednesday, in between checking in vendors (MA was on vacation again) and helping Ma with the price changes, I was also trying to help the p/t girl finish up on the HBA delivery that came in Tuesday.

That afternoon, after the vendors and price changes were done, I grabbed a float full of totes and both of us were working on the last few totes of the delivery when Cheetah (our store manager) came down the aisle and saw that we were almost done.

And, as usual, we never know what's going to come out of his mouth. He jokingly told the p/t girl she was doing awful and he was gonna fire her (a favorite thing of his to say - we pay no attention to him.) P/T girl laughed at him (he's said she was doing pretty good) and continued stocking.

I walked over and gave him a squeezy hug and asked him if I needed to take him outside and rearrange him.

He hurried down the aisle and said "You can't touch me . . . I'm black."

Me and P/T girl were both (our store manager is caucasian)

Me: Did he say what I think he said?

PT: Yep. *loses it and starts laughing her ass off*

Me: OMG . . . *laughing ass off* Somebody needs to get him a mirror.

[Rapscallion]

"So if there's no god, how do you explain jesus's cross on the donkey's back?"

"Photoshop."

Rapscallion

[trunks2k]

She says 'I like my coffee the way I like my men."

COVERED IN BEES!

[Crossbow]

We tend to throw comments could be regarded as harassment around continuously. Hell, one of my co-workers (the most cynical and sarcastic guy in the entire company) has his own pre-printed harassment complaint forms with his name on the "Complaint about" line. He's even forwarded the file to HR.

[lobo94]

When I was in the Army, most of my hitch, I was stationed at Fort McClellan, Alabama, with a combat heavy engineer company. I was in the maintenance platoon, which means I worked in the motor pool.

Out of 100 or so soldiers in my company, a handful were female. One was in my platoon. Our fuel handler/parts supply person. Now, bear in mind, we were mostly guys ranging in age between 19 and mid-thirties. And things could get raw.

This one female soldier, though, was the kind of person who took offense at casual swearing. It did not help matters that she was fraternizing with our company first sergeant. So life was a little tense. Then she left, the first sergeant retired, and things got back to normal.

Then Mitch reported in as her replacement. And we all go, "uh-oh!" And we go back to walking on eggshells.

Sometime later, we were out on field exercises. Back then, I had a reputation for being the company smut peddler. I'd taken some regular books out, as well as a sexy letters magazine. Mitch comes into the platoon tent(there was a separate tent for the female soldiers) and asks if she can look at one of my books.

I say, sure. Then I pulled out a biography of Josef Mengele, and a science-fiction novel.

"No, Lobo94, your sex book."

Every jaw in the tent dropped.

Then Mitch lit into us. Said that we all needed to start acting like ourselves. That she wasn't like her predecessor. That she was thirty-plus years old and not offended easily, and that if she were offended, we'd talk about it. She had picked up on our vibes and asked our platoon sergeant what was going on, and he told the tale.

Needless to say, things relaxed. Mitch even, on later exercises, even insisted on sharing the tent with us. Said that she was a member of the platoon, and that she wanted to be with us. We would just vacate at certain times when she needed to do private things.

Mitch and I ended up becoming buddies. I would have shared a foxhole with her anytime. And I do not mean that in a sleazy way. During my time on active duty and the reserves, I served with female soldiers who were darn good soldiers...I served with male soldiers who were useless.

[cinema guy]

Two from today, both from Dale to Lara.

D: If your brain was the size of your tits, you'd be a genius.



D (on opening a box of Disney/Pixar toys): I haven't got a Woody. There's Buzz Lightyear but no Woody.
D: (To L): Show me your tits and I'll get a woody.

[Rapscallion]

"So, what do you think it would be like at a deaf singles bar? How could someone whisper sweet nothings without someone nearby understanding every word?"

Rapscallion